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Forums / Long term support over the journey / I just feel like i have no chance..

Topic: I just feel like i have no chance..

  1. Quercus
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    18 November 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    They love me. If I choose to op shop they will embrace it. If I say I paid a bill they will make xmas easier by making things instead so I'm not left out. If I want to work as a cleaner they will learn to see that I love it not that I wasted time at uni.

    • They want to see me feel good.
    • How I achieve this is my business.
    • Anyone who doesn't react this way is not helpful to me and not worth my time.

    You know what works for you Mitch. Yes there is an element of being responsible. Finding work. Budgeting. Sacrificing some things. Asking for help. Swallowing pride and being realistic. But it is up to you to help yourself. Go to your psychiatrist... Find one thing that makes you happy now and do it.

    Cliche crap warning... It will get better. It will. But YOU have to take control. This is your life. Noone elses. It is your responsibility to make changes. To work out what will make you feel good. The truth is what other people think is worth fk all. They don't have to live in your skin. You do. If you live by other's standards you're going to end up like me in a heap trying to face it at 32 and realising I have wasted a lot of my life worrying about others and almost no time worrying about what matters to ME.

    You're not alone and we're not going anywhere. You have a safe place here ok.

  2. BballJ
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    19 November 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Sorry for my delay in between posts, I haven't been on the forums this weekend. How did the psych appointment end up going.

    I am sorry you feel this is the lowest you have been, I have a feeling with the graduation of uni, I think all these emotions are taking over your mind and it's allowing them to run rampant, I do hope the psych was able to give you some guidance on what to do next.

    I know the feeling of not having money is really low and honestly I do not want to say something cliché like it will get better etc because its just word fillers if I say that... in reality once you are up to you, you just need to keep applying for jobs and keeping getting your resume out there just to gain any sort of experience, giving up on it is the worst thing to do, I also don't think lending money from your parents is a bad thing but set yourself a goal to pay them back and when you do I reckon you will feel great.

    My best,

    Jay

    1 person found this helpful
  3. james1
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    20 November 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey Mitch,

    How did your psych appointment go?

    I won't add to what Nat and Jay said, but I hope you can see that we also struggle with those issues you've talked about. We may seem like we keep it altogether, but we also have our times when we just don't want to bother.

    You are very critical of yourself. You know this. You also know it's hindering your ability to get better. What would you like to do?

    James

    1 person found this helpful
  4. HamSolo01
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    20 November 2017 in reply to Quercus

    hey nat and james

    thanks again

    i saw my psych on saturday and it helped a bit

    i think i may have elements of borderline personality disorder.. in that i have a particular fear over abandonment and driving people away. It seems that this happened a lot in my life lately. The problem is you cant make people like you. It seems i drive people away and this is basically why i have social based anxiety. Despite the fact i can master the basics its still very much an anxiety i have.

    I guess its good that i feel pretty down today because i gotta go into town to have an assessment for another group therapy program this time for social anxiety..

    in times like this i find that i keep remembering every time a psychologist (bad ones) have told me to basically get a grip and such or else it will "ruin my life"

    thing is i try.. i really do.. but it just doesnt work. So that makes me think i need to change my entire approach to it.

    Its easily the worst and most depressed i have been.. i hate how tragic it has become.

    What really gets me down is seeing people younger than i am doing better. Its a reminder of what im not doing.

    Also found out on saturday i might have some body dismorphia.. because i dont like my physical appearance.

    I guess the BPD goes somewhere in explaining my reluctance to commit to social things or outlets hey?

    i just don't know anymore.. especially now that people are getting older..

    i have a free house this week and im enjoying the peace and quiet because i can do whatever i want

    maybe whats happening these past few weeks is that my outside life (non mind) is declining in line with my mental state.. which is new because in the past my mental state has declined BUT my outside life has remained the same.. small commitments are too large.. are too much of an effort. Case in point: i need to go to the supermarket today to get groceries but i feel too depressed and sad to.. Not going to the gym because i cant handle it. At least not today anyway.

    Anyways that me

    Ive read all of what you have both said btw. nat you are right what you said about figuring it out myself. I agree. I dont need to impress anyone. But i think for now i simply dont care.

    My parents are worried. I could see it when i told them on saturday. But i will keep them informed. You guys too

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  5. james1
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    20 November 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi Mitch,

    I'm sure you've heard this before but self diagnosis is not a good idea. The reason is that when we are in a lot of emotional pain, we want to find a reason for it. But, so far as we know, most mental illnesses are not like diseases in that there is a clear 'thing' causing the issue. Instead, most mental illnesses are a collection of symptoms.

    I 'have' BPD and there are certainly a lot of traits we share. But I also share a lot of 'BPD' traits with my sister and all of my friends. And they don't 'have' BPD.

    Ultimately, none of the therapy I do is to cure BPD because that's impossible. It's not a thing. Instead, we work on helping me reduce the symptoms.

    I noticed you didn't tell us more about your psych appointment. Is that where the BPD came up?

    James

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  6. BballJ
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    20 November 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Interesting that the psychologist said you might have border personality disorder. Are they just discussing it as a possible avenue or are they pretty certain? If it is so, need to come up with ways to help deal with it. It is good you are going to the group therapy session again as well.

    Just remember, every day is new chance to grow and start to regain that happiness that is inside you.

    My best,

    Jay

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  7. HamSolo01
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    21 November 2017 in reply to BballJ

    james, jay and nat

    thanks for dropping in :)

    well the first few days of my free week have been good.. done very little which is good.. just what it should be.

    As for saturdays appointment i told my folks and they didnt really know what it meant. But thats okay because its not actually a diagnosis as such. More like dysthimia (which has a different name now). Basically its very episodic but i also have elements of BPD. It was his opinion/diagnosis. Im not overly shocked by that. Or worried.

    I also saw the lady yesterday for group therapy for social anxiety which was useful. Doesnt start til next year though. But the assessment helped me articulate stuff which was good.

    I think my social anxiety is the bigger part of what i deal with. Its the bigger fish in a smaller pond. I have elements of it along with BPD i dunno.

    For now i am trying to take it easy on myself (so far working alright) and just enjoy the quiet at home. Trying to build up my exp on battlefront 2 lol.

    2 people found this helpful
  8. BballJ
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    21 November 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    I am glad to read that you seem to be feeling a bit better and that your free week has been that, a free week.

    I understand what you said that it isn't an official diagnosis just something bought up which is good, it means they are working and looking at different aspects of mental health which I think is actually great rather than just saying ok you're depressed, actually working through different things and then I imagine will be trying to find solutions to combat it so it doesn't take over the rest of your life. You can continue to beat this mental health like you already are.

    Social anxiety is so hard and we get so many people on these forums who deal with it a lot. It is truly something that needs to be worked on and worked on to help overcome it and be comfortable in situations where there is a lot of people around.

    Keep taking it easy on yourself.

    My best,

    Jay

  9. Quercus
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    21 November 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi Mitch,

    Right well there are a couple of things that have been bugging me lately so rather than let them build until I lecture like the Mum I am I'm just going to put it out there.

    Sorry in advance (sorry to you too Jay) but it needs to be said. My kids call this kind of rant me being angry mummy...

    Sometimes you will have multiple replies and you respond to James and myself and completely ignore Jay. I don't know if you are aware you're doing it but it really does make me feel rubbish so I can't even imagine how Jay feels.

    I wanted you to be aware of this in case you weren't because Jay gives you solid advice and support and if that was me I'd have gotten hurt and stopped responding (or knowing me chewed you out for it).

    Right. That's out of my system. Sorry but you are too smart to be making careless mistakes that push others away.

    As to your post. I'm glad you are in an ok frame of mind. I do worry about you putting your life on hold in search of a diagnosis.

    You do remind me of myself in my 20s. I needed a kick in the ass to realise I am not beneath or less than everyone else. And the only person holding me back was me. Games are good. Relaxing is great. But as long as it is not a distraction from your life. Having applied for three jobs by the end of the week is an even better goal. Then you play.

    Your family are away and are worried about you and to be honest deservedly so. You are ok now. But are you actually doing anything to help yourself? What happens in a weeks time when you look back and start to slump because you haven't done anything to help yourself?

    A diagnosis is not going to transform your life and make it better. That is up to you.

    When you mentioned the useless psychs who said you had to get a grip I think they meant take control of your life. Take action. Help yourself. All those cliches which are irritating but true.

    You are an adult. Part of that is finding purpose and work and becoming independent. Finding a way to manage your MI and function on your own. You are not incapable or useless or worthless. You are fully capable just need the push to try.

    Sorry. I know I am over the line. I wish at your age my parents had been harder on me. Not just saying it will happen and supporting me financially. But turfing me out and saying TRY! Mum rant over now. I do care. Games are good but financial independence is better.

    Take care of yourself please.

    Nat

  10. HamSolo01
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    22 November 2017 in reply to BballJ

    jay, you are right

    "and then I imagine will be trying to find solutions to combat it so it doesn't take over the rest of your life"

    this is what i am really scared and afraid of and if i am perfectly honest i think it has begun already.. all it actually does is remind me of times the psychologists who i have seen in the past have told me that I need to get a grip on it or figure it out or similiar.. it's the worst piece of advice imaginable because if i could i bloody well would right? i honestly don't understand how some psychologists are allowed to practice. Especially the older woman I saw who was linked to my psychiatrist.. she was useless. Didn't even allow me to talk about negative religious experience (which may actually be a reason why i have what i have now, if the assessment for group therapy is anything to go by). That reminds me, i might get them to send the details to my specialist. Just to make sure they are all on the same page. I joked with the lady doing my assessment that they may need to get a new DSM for me, put my condition and experience in there lol.

    also,

    "Social anxiety is so hard and we get so many people on these forums who
    deal with it a lot. It is truly something that needs to be worked on and
    worked on to help overcome it and be comfortable in situations where
    there is a lot of people around."

    Yep. Story of my life. It explains a fair bit in my history actually.

    It explains the aversion to different scenarios, it explains the what i call 'overcompensating' and it explains the reason why i always take exception to the rule for myself.. why i feel different.. why i feel like i have difference.. all these sorts of things. CBT and ACT have helped a bit, but I'm hoping to work on DBT (especially for the symptoms of BPD) which my dad said sounded 'serious'. Which it is.

    Anyway jay thanks again for your reply. I hope nat was suitably impressed lol.

    1 person found this helpful
  11. HamSolo01
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    22 November 2017 in reply to Quercus

    nat I'm going to pretend what you've written comes from a place of concern and worry, not judgement and dismay (even if you wrote it in such a way)

    I appreciate that I remind you of what you went through in your 20s, but I am not you and I really would like it if you stopped using that as a basis for your posts and advice. I can understand if you see similarities and that's great, because it makes me see that people have things in common. But i really wish you wouldn't constantly use it, because i honestly get the impression you are not comfortable with what you did and you seem to reflect that a lot in what you say to me.

    I don't ignore jay. Usually I'm replying on my phone and this means I haven't got access to what everyone has said at once. I reply to the 3 of you in a single post and this means i do read and take on board what you have all said. Just because i don't write someone's name in bold letters or directly reply to them doesn't mean I ignore them. Please stop saying that.

    As for 'needing a kick in the ass' well it isn't that simple. A kick in the ass won't make me attend a job interview (Something i still regret not doing back in June). A kick in the ass won't change my opinion on myself. A kick in the ass won't make me realise that I'm better than what I think. A kick in the ass won't make anything different. You seem to think that the 'tough love' approach is helping. It doesn't. Every single time something bad has happened in my life it is because of this experience. That's not an exaggeration. It's what happened when I changed schools in primary against my will. It's what happened when I went to year 7 camp. It's what happened when I became religious. It's what happened when I lost it. It's what happened with my music experience in high school.. which is why i had to quit the band at uni because it brought up memories of past experience being a bad thing. It's why i left my friend's party early at the start of the year when they all started talking about hooking up etc.


    2 people found this helpful
  12. HamSolo01
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    22 November 2017
    People mustn't be able to reconcile the fact that i communicate in an articulate manner with the fact i struggle IMMENSELY with ANY form of social/communication. Do you know how much of an act it is that I put on? Are you aware of the thought processes that go through my mind on a DAILY basis?
    I still have memories (negative ones) of high school band where the conductor singled me out and told me to get a grip, I still have memories of people saying bad things about me to my face, i still have memories of stupid things i have said and done.. from ages ago. I still recall people's responses to things I have said where I wasn't happy with the way i said it, the sound of my voice or similar.
    Please, never again do the 'tough love' approach. I don't care what you think or how you come to the conclusion that it will 'help' because it never has helped.
    I am doing what I want this week because I can. I don't really care.
    Take this as a bit of advice please nat and not as a criticism. But i really do not like the approach you've adopted lately.
    2 people found this helpful
  13. james1
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    22 November 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey mitch,

    You mentioned above that you're afraid that it's already just taken over your life and you can see a lot of these things in your history as well.

    Let me get back to you on that as when my psychologist started talking to me about BPD, and when I started doing DBT and Schema Therapy, that was something I was afraid of too.

    In the meantime, I'd be interested to hear more about what you mean when you say that you feel different and take exception to the rule for yourself. It strikes a chord with me, but I'm not sure what exactly you mean. If you are not comfortable, please let me know.

    James

  14. HamSolo01
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    22 November 2017 in reply to james1

    hey james

    its not that i feel uncomfortable.. just very defeated, bruised and done with it.

    i got really upset at what nat wrote but it had to be said. I dont care much for beating around the bush. All it does is make it worse when im told to harden up etc. All it does is bring back paranoia over what the religion did to me. Memories of being told to control my sexual urges or thinking otherwise i would go to hell.. because thats what the bible said.. that 'satan' would be in control.. what a nonsense..

    when i say i take exception to the rule for myself? i guess i mean that it homestly seems as if the odds are stacked against me. That people dont take me seriously enough if i dont meet criteria xyz..

    its as if im not allowed to fit in.. as if too different from anyone and everything else.. like its a default reality.

    Anyway. I dunno what else to talk about tbh

  15. Quercus
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    22 November 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi Mitch,

    Thankyou. I really value and appreciate you being blunt and honest. And I will take what you said on board. I need time to think about it.

    I am very sorry for upsetting you. That wasn't my plan. Part of me smiled at your post because it was the most honest post I've ever seen you write and gave more insight into how you really feel than your whole thread so far.

    I will think on what you said. I'm not sure if I have anything to offer you in terms of helping you as much as I want to see you succeed and share in your success vicariously.

    Your last post has made me realise I'm probably doing more harm than good. Probably on more threads than just your own. I'm truly sorry for this.

    Thank you for the honest feedback. I needed it. Is it helpful for you if I keep writing here? If so do you think you can give me some idea of how I can help and support you. Cos I thought I was doing ok.

    Kind thoughts to you. And a heartfelt humble apology for my ego.

    ❤ Nat

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  16. BballJ
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    22 November 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    I have been commenting on your post since you started it many months ago and I enjoy chatting to you because I see a lot of myself in you when I was your age, I relate a lot to how you feel because I have been there too. Quercus is simply trying to help and I understand it isn't the approach you wanted and I think she wrote a genuine response back asking how she can support you better. We aren't here to turn out backs on you, we want to help and give you support.

    Regarding your reply back to me, I appreciate the response, it isn't needed to be broken down like that at all so please don't feel it needs to be done. I think the last thing you said about your dad saying it is serious about the possible BPD, if you feel this is something then keep working on ways to improve it, keep speaking to the psych about it and learning about it if it is something you have to deal with it. I know and appreciate you have been through so much in your life and no one is disputing how you should feel and if you feel different as you said, what we dispute is that this isn't what the rest of your life has to look like, I know it is draining to keep fighting through all of this but you can keep fighting through it, you've come so far since the start of the thread. How has the rest of your free week been?

    Also, if you feel there is another way we can offer our support, please let us know, like I said, we aren't here to turn out backs on you, we just want the best for you.

    My best,

    Jay

    1 person found this helpful
  17. Quercus
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    23 November 2017

    Hi Mitch,

    I don't know what to say. I feel gutted.

    I couldn't sleep. I am worried. Because I forgot your family are away. And I've upset you. And your thread was in the suicidal section once... Like mine.

    I remembered you mention SANE a lot. So I looked. Because I care. I wish I didn't look but I deserved the hurt.

    Bloody absurd. No one cares and no one takes it seriously. THIS IS WHY I WANT TO DIE

    I want you to know I will learn from this.

    I'm not a cruel person. I was trying my best. I got it wrong. And I'm sorry.

    Today has been a horrible day for me too.

    Seeing my words put on a forum I don't read or access was a shock.

    Seeing others who don't know me insult me. That hurt. Even if it made you feel better.

    I was out of line. I own this. And I apologise.

    I'm not comfortable responding here anymore. I'm sorry.

    Nat

    1 person found this helpful
  18. Sophie_M
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    23 November 2017 in reply to HamSolo01
    Hi everyone,
     
    As this discussion has taken an unhelpful turn, we're locking it temporarily until things settle.
     
    We encourage our members to resolve their conflicts in a healthy way through discussion here on the forums.  It's ok to disagree.  It's ok to share your feelings of how something has affected you.  If you don't feel comfortable doing that, then we would encourage you to report the post to our moderators. 
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  19. james1
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    27 November 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi Mitch,

    I thought I'd pop in and see how you are going. I've done a lot of work on my BPD symptoms in the last year, but it really shook me up back then when I first heard and started reading more about it.

    Just thought I'd pop in and see how you are going, as I think there's a lot of unhelpful information and comments on the web about BPD.

    James

  20. HamSolo01
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    28 November 2017 in reply to james1

    Hey james

    i havent been diagnosed with BPD but i honestly think i have it.. it would explain a lot of things in my life is all. I see my psych tomorrow so i guess its his call.

    Were you diagnosed with something else beforehand? All good if you dont wanna talk about that.

    I have started that database i zpoke about on friends cafe thread.. its an excel spreadsheet lol.. took the easy road.

    What sort of symptoms do you resonate with in regards to BPD ? (again your choice to reply to that stuff)

    Hope you are well

  21. james1
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    28 November 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey mitch,

    Neither of my two psychs I've seen gave me a formal diagnosis. To them, it didn't matter because BPD is a collection of symptoms, not a disease. i.e. they couldn't cure BPD, but they could help me manage my symptoms.

    I don't mean to say that like BPD is nothing. I know what it feels like and I really struggle with some of the symptoms. Fear of abandonment, very impulsive, risk-taking, self-harm, no self-identity...there's quite a few.

    I am pretty sure I've spent about 15k on therapy by now. I also lost 10k on gambling over two nights. So when I say BPD is not a real thing, I mean in the biological sense. I'm very well aware of how my actions, influenced by uncontrolled emotions, have impacted my life.

    My 15k in therapy went towards helping me manage my emotions. It's a lifelong skill - like character building - which I know will serve me well.

    What is troubling you about your possible diagnosis and what are your reasons for it being so important to you? I don't want to make any assumptions because I know we've had similar, but different experiences.

    James

  22. HamSolo01
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    28 November 2017 in reply to james1

    hey james

    thats a good point - its more or less a bunch of symptoms and causes. You are spot on.

    this is also a good point too:

    "So when I say BPD is not a real thing, I mean in the biological sense. I'm very well aware of how my actions, influenced by uncontrolled emotions, have impacted my life."

    There is no biological cause AS SUCH for BPD. It's more or less the result of processes in thought. But then there are perhaps biological realities that expose us to being held hostage to such thoughts. This is basically the biological basis for behaviour. Although BPD isn't a strict biological cause, it has an association with it - a lot like depression (in some cases anyway, because genetics and chemistry can be partly to blame for depression)

    What is troubling you about your possible diagnosis and what are your reasons for it being so important to you? I don't want to make any assumptions because I know we've had similar, but different experiences.

    that is a very good question... i think i am afraid of confronting things from the past that i haven't even thought i needed to confront to be honest.. of really going deeper... way down.. into the dark triad (a really interesting thing my psych told me about). I think I need to thought tbh. DBT will hopefully help with that. What has DBT been like for you? (assuming you have done it) because i am curious as to how it would be different to ACT and CBT. At my anxiety support group they also spoke about schema therapy.. which to me sounded like a glorified version of CBT to be honest lol.

    I think the abandonment "part" of the BPD also scares me. I will need to explore those things again. The self-image problems. The whole lot of it really.

    I guess it's not a change in diagnosis. More or less a change in approach hey? THAT is what shocks me but I think it's needed. So it's bittersweet in that regard

  23. BballJ
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    28 November 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Glad to see you're back on the forums. I can't relate about the BPD so I won't pretend I know what I am talking about but I read something you wrote in your last post about maybe going deeper into everything... I know that sounds scary but it may be what is required to make you feel better and get over the mental health hurdle. When I start CBT, I was worried about what we were going to talk about and before I knew it, I was going into all sorts of my past as mine was a lot of unresolved family issues about stuff I never wanted to talk about but I ended up doing it and it helped me a lot.

    My best,

    Jay

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  24. HamSolo01
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    29 November 2017 in reply to BballJ

    fair point Jay

    i think this is something that will help actually, if i do go in depth

    i have purposely avoided going to the gym this morning because i knew it would give me too many endorphins and i would risk not talking about things that need to be spoken about

    its in about 2 hours so i plan on leaving in one and having a coffee before hand at a place nearby

    i honestly feel like i have to convince the psych that i have BPD rather than let him choose.. but i can't help but think that it is something i have

    anyway, time will tell i guess

    thanks again jay

    1 person found this helpful
  25. james1
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    29 November 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey Mitch,

    Thanks for responding so thoughtfully.

    Just to touch on that bit about a biological basis, I definitely agree that genetics has a part to play. From what I've read/heard, people who are more emotional and naturally need more reassurance (I joke that I'm clinically needy) tend to be more susceptible to having issues related to BPD when exposed to certain environmental factors. So I think genetics has a big part to play.

    I've done both Schema Therapy and DBT and they were pretty different.

    DBT is very technique based and focuses on emotion regulation and distress tolerance. So when you feel like crap or have thoughts which are leading you down a worse path, DBT helps to check that and right the ship. A lot of it is acceptance of emotions and thoughts, and finding a way to properly rationalise emotions (wise mind vs emotional/logical mind).

    Schema Therapy is more about developing an understanding and recognition of how we feel and why we feel that way, then identifying ways of reducing the intensity of this through both techniques and understanding. A big part of Schema Therapy is having your therapist act as a parent figure to role model behaviour and thought patterns.

    Depending on what your particular symptoms are, one treatment will be better than the other. Compared to ACT/CBT, they all have similar approaches but slightly different theories that hold them up, so I think it comes down to whichever one appeals to you most.

    I liked Schema Therapy but I really struggled with the parent part. I also hated the homework of DBT and it felt like being in school with all its worksheets and things. I do some kind of Transference Focussed Therapy now which is not as good according to research, but it is better for me.

    Do you want to tell us more about your symptoms which you struggle with most? I've noticed that fear of abandonment is really pervasive for me - it seems to affect almost everything I do.

    James

    1 person found this helpful
  26. BballJ
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    BballJ avatar
    2032 posts
    29 November 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    I'm not sure you need to convince the psychologist that you have BPD, I think it is better if they diagnose you rather then self diagnose, the problem with symptoms of anything that really if you look at most illnesses, you can say you have those symptoms, similar to the reason they say not to google your symptoms because it gives you the worst possible scenario.

    How did the session go anyway?

    My best,

    Jay

    1 person found this helpful
  27. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    1 December 2017 in reply to BballJ

    hi james and jay

    thanks for your thoughts

    its been a wild month and year and i need to start afresh for 2018

    i posted this before elsewhere and i wanted to share all of it with you because it's very personal and very deep but i need to share it off my chest or else it will fester even more.

    It is very long so will take a few posts but it has to be said

    thanks :)

    here goes:

    I actually realised the other day that I haven't actually given much of an explanation about my experience with mental illness on these forums. I guess I never really found it necessary to do so. I think that has changed as I have gotten further along in my journey.
    I was originally diagnosed in 2012, about mid way through the year. I was told I had depression after doing the DAS test/score system. I was put on medication as well.
    I finished school in 2011 and subsequently signed up for a degree in 2012 that I ended up deferring and never going back to because I hated the university and hated the degree.
    For the second part of 2012 I basically did very little.
    I went back to uni in 2013 to do a BA and I am about to finish it in the next month or so.
    throughout the course of the past 5 years I have struggled immensely with my mental health.. I have been suicidal and also been through different therapists and medications and also a few hospital visits whereupon they said i didnt have to be there because i wasn't overly at risk.
    The past month or so has been very interesting to be perfectly honest. I have had to reflect on A LOT of my early childhood experiences and why they have impacted me in a certain way over my life.
    I was bullied as a little kid, made to change schools in year 5 and also made to adjust to my sister's ill health as well. These are 3 experiences that have impacted my growth and development as a human I would say. I think they impacted my ability to see positives and also persevere. I must admit that it is indeed hard to see the bright side on some occassions.
    I am now 24 and take 2 types of medication along with regular visits to my psychologist. I am still coming to terms with my diagnosis and condition. Often I ignore it and try to find another reason as to why I feel the way I do. This is very hard when I try to explain it to people.

  28. BballJ
    Community Champion
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    BballJ avatar
    2032 posts
    3 December 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Thank you for sharing that, you did say it would take a few posts, was there more to come, I do feel I am quite familiar with your story but hearing it from the start like that is always good and helps understand you a little bit better. I don't think anyone can doubt that you have been through so much in your life, but this is all a testament to you as well, you have overcome so much and that is what is amazing, I hope you can reflect on your post and see how far you have come and use it as a big positive.

    My best,

    Jay

    1 person found this helpful
  29. james1
    Multicultural Correspondent
    • Foundation members of our Multicultural Experiences section
    • China
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    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    james1 avatar
    2979 posts
    4 December 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey Mitch,

    I am looking forward to hearing more in your other posts. It sounds like you have had a pretty good think about everything that's been happening.

    James

  30. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    5 December 2017 in reply to james1

    hi james and jay, thanks for checking in :) hope you are both well.

    i have been a bit quiet lately as i haven't had much to say. Nevertheless I will post up the rest of that story that I started the other day.

    I guess I have also experienced stigma as a result of my illness - whether or not it was intended doesn't matter too much tbh. I have withdrawn from people and avoided certain situations (be they social or work related). This also explains why I have struggled to become financially stable. I still don't have a part time job anywhere because of my mental health - not that it impacts my actual ability to perform tasks but because the way i view myself (very badly) holds me back from trying, persevering and implementing strategies to improve my situation. The tough love approach or fake it til i make it exhausts the shit out of me and simply does not work.
    I fimly believe this is a trend that has occurred over the years and has really started to ingrain itself in my life - in many facets.
    I have never had a girlfriend or any romantic relationship and this certainly bothers me. It bothers me for 2 reasons. Firstly, I want to feel accepted and loved in the context of romance because I believe this is something that makes life worthwhile. Secondly, it bothers me because more and more and more people around me (be they family or friends) seem to be able to find partners. I have tried over the years to get somewhere with people but it always ends up going nowhere and I can really only say that this occurs because I must do something, give off some vibe, or say something that turns people away. I probably do it without realising it. The scales are tipped differently for males when it comes to this sort of thing - it is weird or bad if you are a virgin male at the age of 24. Not so if you are female. That is the way that mainstream society and culture operate. It is evident in all aspects. However, the fact I don't fit in with that ISN'T what bothers me. What bothers me is the missing out on genuine connection, the fact that those around seem to be okay and finding their ground in life.

     

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