Online forums

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please complete your profile

Complete your profile

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community.

Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Forums / Long term support over the journey / Surviving: Being in a better place

Topic: Surviving: Being in a better place

  1. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7537 posts
    1 June 2017

    Hi all :)
    Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
    In a better place.

    I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
    The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
    The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
    Have come an incredibly long way so far.
    Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
    SO many good times, happy times between.

    The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

    My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
    You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

    Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
    Rock bottom. The pits.

    I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
    Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
    Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
    That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

    Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
    Great loving good parents lucky

    If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

    BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

    I know that now.

     

    8 people found this helpful
  2. Starwolf
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Starwolf avatar
    2521 posts
    1 June 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Hi Demonblaster,

    Thank you for sharing your story and inspiring thoughts.

    Your post resonated with me. It seems we have a similar attitude towards the notion that mental illness stays with us for as long as we live. Unless genetics are at work, it is an opinion I have always strongly rejected. Besides, I resent hope being taken away. A life sentence is not to be assigned lightly.

    In my view, feelings and emotions that have been raveled into a chaotic mess can eventually be untangled. Different approaches suit different people and it sure takes a lot of hard, ruthless mind work. I don't say it will work for everybody but I don't agree it cannot be done.

    I too ended up in a pit of despair and planned to bow out. A horrific childhood lived in fear, gang rape, leaving narcissistic relationships and drug addiction behind, losing my father to suicide and my adopted family in the Boxing Day tsunami, later being sole carer for a difficult child with acquired brain injury all contributed to PTSD, of course with anxiety and depression attached and DID to begin with.

    But gradually, my stress and depression levels were returned to normal, dissociation done away with. I now live alone in difficult conditions but I feel free from the past. It hasn't disappeared, it is still there in the background were it belongs but emotional contents has been shed. More trauma came my way but it seems I have developed some sort of immunity. Backtracking never happened.

    I am nothing special. My emotions are the same as everyone else's. As a matter of fact I am more sensitive than average.

    You are right, change can happen though not as long as our emotions are still anchored firmly in the past.

    As for your self-esteem being low...it sounds to me like you have plenty reasons to let it soar ! You have been through hell but courageously kept going. You sure deserve a better residence...

    Well done, Demonblaster !

    4 people found this helpful
  3. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7537 posts
    1 June 2017 in reply to Starwolf
    Hey Star :) Thanks for supportive post good on you. What a bloody life you've had but you've beaten/beating the Black dog.

    Did you find time helped get over the PTSD/Mental health workers/or as you've said working on it yourself which I find the best way so far, support from family/friends etc.

    Kudos

    Thx lovely of you to say plenty of reasons for self esteem to soar.

    Since losing my partner, I knew we had good friends/family but WOW, not how good they've been. Amazing friend said that's cause of what I give out, hadn't thought about it that way.
    Support & love are essential I have it in spades but ya don't wanna dump on people.
    I talk a LOT about Bipolar for people to understand & not necessarily fear all mental Illness. The dark ages and still now people were treated abhorrently.
    I'm lucky not to have hallucinations/Grand deur, I tell people I don't think I'm wonder woman...I KNOW i am :)

    Dad yrs ago said you need confidence in life, I asked how but think he was doing something (lost him when I was 18 awesome& Mum too.Sudden, boy shock it sends you sideways) We always continue loving someone that's worthy aye.
    Ooops back to point took yrs to work out how then I realised to get it we need to Like/Love ourselves, so anything that pulls me down, I'm in the process of kicking ALL demons butts. Gunna happen, I plan to die on top although suicide is often an alternative but not gunna happen through recent theories of how we came about and I saw Mum cry I think 3 times in our time, one time was Dad dying the other 2 was cause of me and one them was when she read suicide note. Can't get that outta my head.
    Also Partner & his very loved sister in the same yr both with different conditions fought tooth and nail to live, they never gave up though partner said if I hadn't pushed him to eat, I saved his life for a short time anyway, he had given up but I didn't know till later.

    Thanks for reply :)

    Keep up fantastic work, with our mindset we CAN & Will beat these demons.
    Glad to talk to someone with similar mindset.
    Good point too about possibly genes.
    They say or think (Heard both) that it's chemicals that pull us down. The brains still very perplexing to scientists still.
    Einstein said we use 10% of our brain, think I heard since recently we use a bit more but I find that fascinating.
    Like to know why

    Take it easy, be kind to yourself :)

  4. Starwolf
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Starwolf avatar
    2521 posts
    2 June 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Thank you for your kind words.

    To answer your question, recovery took years of persistent work. This work was based on the fact that mind function depends largely on electro-chemical reactions in the brain. Every thought contributes to/influences this cocktail. Living a decade in Asia taught me something that I had never heard mentioned in the West : the mind can be tamed and controlled. It is like training a feral animal. It is supposed to be OUR mind but in fact, it owns us and drags us where we don't want to go. The way the principle was explained to me made perfect sense. It was reinforced by self-observation (the mind watching itself). So I became wary of the thought process and started working on it. It meant catching every thought as it arose. Before the mind latched on to it and became tangled in its pull. Difficult, as often we only notice thoughts when we are already swept in the current. Either watching them pass like clouds over a clear sky or making a conscious decision to engage the reasonable, logic mind to challenge and reject them, to replace them with something that made more sense. Being stubborn as a mule does help... like all autocrats, the mind will resist relinquishing power.

    There was also befriending some of the demons so they would work with/for me instead of against. I believe healing involves a complex combination of strategies that may vary from one person to the other. It is a journey of self-discovery, of who we really are under the emotional rubble of our shattered inner world.

    Well done for believing it can be done...even if it means being a work in progress for the rest of your life. The journey sure is more important than the destination. Setbacks are part of every long journey, part of the learning curve towards progress, even if they don't feel like it at the time. You have already achieved major victories.

    Your questioning mind and determination are terrific assets. You also have loving support from friends and family, a priceless gift ! I'm sure they wouldn't feel like you're dumping on them and would like to be given more chance to help.

    Thank you for speaking out to eradicate the stigma attached to mental conditions. So many of those affected still do their best to keep it under wraps. It shows your courage. You are a legend !

    4 people found this helpful
  5. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7537 posts
    2 June 2017 in reply to Starwolf
    Starwolf, love the name btw

    Not sure if I said here, quicky scan & can't see it.
    A psychologist showed me once when I said about fighting the beast a piece of strong rope, got me to pull on it and he resisted. Point made, though I don't agree actually with that either though it certainly is what happens but how I see it we either go with the downs or oppose them as you're saying above.

    One of my nephews, incredibly motivated and will succeed in what he wants to do without a doubt, positive, energy + determination, it's all mind set.

    I'm thinking emotions are probably the hardest thing that we ALL in this world need to learn to control, God knows if that was the case there could actually be peace and wayyyy less depression and suffering.

    Yes you said yrs to get where you are, it's taken me several so far but I'm needing to work harder these days but that's ok cause a positive in the BP beast is I'm becoming a stronger person from it. Halleh, need to not be so damned sensitive but one of many demons to tackle, & WILL.

    Interesting what you said about befriending some of the demons and making them work for you, I'll have a good think about that. I'm thinking from that, that every bit of self doubt, every tonne should I say lol, by throwing in a positive as a combat tool & it's not how I want to feel about myself, I'll try and not believe these downer thoughts. That's the problem with low self esteem and confidence although over the yrs big progress there, long way to go, we automatically believe it.

    Fascinates me why though we ALL I think have this in us with/out illnesses/disorders etc. Hopefully not repeating myself here but a theory that's helping me in this journey is though I'm not religious I think maybe let's say there is a God that's good and with Ying and Yang that's evident in many ways there's a devil, so what if as I think we've been created, we were by both, both very powerful. There's evidence of good and evil in life.
    Dunno but I do know for sure it's helping me, because as most of us with depression and crap like this are good people so it's time for the good to take control over the down bad rot.

    A shard post on fb (Facebook) as a lot of stuff there with wisdom, from that nephew was saying basically every thing that enters our minds, is up to us how we process it. GOLD

    Thanks for your support and encouragement :)

    Nice hearing from you :)

    Go easy




  6. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7537 posts
    11 June 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Sigh, I've been lately working on a huge list of ways to deal with the Black dog. It's all making sense & CAN be achieved.

    I'm sooo sick of being down and crying. ENOUGH!!!!

    God I'm a good person, care about people, wanna help, not nasty, try to be tolerant & am nice & mostly well liked/loved. This mongrel of a head though, how much do ya have to take before I break through & beat the mutt.

    Ya get so incredibly tired

    These forums are about opening up.
    I've learnt we have to be honest in ourselves to start working through.

    What's pulling me down atm amongst other stuff, I'm clueless what to do about it.
    I go both ways, (I'm a chooky), seeing some blokes, they don't really give a hoot, not the way people wanna be appreciated & cared about, but I'm not sure but think I might be in love with a chook, very good friend.
    On occassion had reason to think it possibly could be reciprocated but could be wishful thinking.
    Not sure.
    Thinking probs the best thing for me is to step back or out for a while to try & let the bubble burst.
    We're even in the throws of possibly going into business together. We get on very well. My feelings run deeply for her & think her too but not sure exactly how I feel. Wouldn't be worried to say out loud if I knew for sure.
    Buggered if I know.
    I haven't been able to stop thinking about her pretty much since we met a couple yrs ago. Constant. Pretty good sign I guess
    She's in a relationship.

    I'll be ok, till next time, maybe a few more solid nights sleep will make the dif.

    It's happening too bloody often, I've GOTTA get on top of it.

    Sick of this crap.

    Like to say sorry for downer, but needed to vent, no better place than here

    Soonish I'm gunna put up things I'm working out on paper at least for now, how to combat depression

    Thanks listening

  7. Starwolf
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Starwolf avatar
    2521 posts
    12 June 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    You are right, mental illness plays havoc with our emotions.

    It seems your present problem is because those are not clear to you. The more we try to figure a riddle out, the more we tend to overthink, which leads to exhaustion. The exhausted mind cannot think clearly. It is of course impossible to do anything about something unless we know what it is. Have you tried to clarify your feelings to yourself by letting them loose in writing ? It often helps...

    You say this woman has constantly been on your mind over the last 2 years. This sounds to me inconsistent with plain friendship, no matter how strong it may be. The fact that you are concerned enough to post about this when you are getting on fabulously (so no cause for worry) seems to point out something else may be involved. You are obviously not satisfied with the friend zone status. Would it concern you this much if you were happy with it ?

    The fact that she is in a relationship complicates the situation. But if your feelings are reciprocated, she will sooner or later have to make a decision without you stepping in between.

    Meanwhile, you remain in limbo, never a comfortable place to be. What are the chances of an honest, open chat with her ? Do you feel it could compromise what you already have (friendship) in favour of an uncertain future ?

    The decision as to what to do (or not to) must of course be yours. The only thing we can do is is share a neutral perspective and hope it will help you find some measure of clarity.

    2 people found this helpful
  8. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7537 posts
    12 June 2017 in reply to Starwolf
    Star thankyou for response with so many very good points. Very appreciated. Very constructive. Thanks again :)

    Yeah I have talked to her about it, one of the things I love (I do love her as a great friend, with/out being in love) about her is she's a great listener, gives everyone the time to say their bit, I too try but need to work harder on that but do also listen. It's important to people, I get excited esp in BP but yeah do listen too.

    Her alone first then partner came round today (not long gone) and talked to her a bit more, the thing is if I was clearly in love with her I'd have no issue being up front about it all. I believe in that, makes life easier to know where we all stand I reckon.
    She just listened, she's so lovely, a beautiful soul.

    I said to her when I figure it out, I'll just have to deal with it and settle for a great growing friendship, that's definately reciprocated.

    Yeah pretty much a classic symptom of love is constant thoughts, doesn't drive me nuts but I've said to her at times, "get outta my head" lol.

    We get on so well, communicate well and have a lot of good same traits, honor, communicative, go deep, think about stuff, converse well with people, like/lovable etc

    I started off today feeling sooooo down again, but as the days eventuated, contact with various friends has helped no end.
    Also been thinking about positives, like my art, I'm for the first time in life actually sticking with it and getting on, instead of in/out. have a goal now, believed for yrs I can make it a household name, at last hooking in.
    I figure maybe with BP when the motivation & ideas flood, if I can balance it all out in non BP cycles it may ease severity, time will tell.

    Thanks again Star, you're appreciated :)

    How are you going?
    1 person found this helpful
  9. Starwolf
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Starwolf avatar
    2521 posts
    14 June 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Hey Demonblaster,

    Well done for using the highs of bipolar to put your art out there. A terrific way to befriend the enemy. The roller coaster character of mental conditions often makes following goals through difficult. You are doing well. May I ask what form of art you are into ?

    As for figuring out what sort of love you are feeling, the most important atm is that there is love in your life. And of course the emotional intimacy that goes with it. A priceless gift. Going along with it, nurturing it will eventually reveal its nature. Where the heart is concerned, time always does tell. Until then, I guess it will be a matter of enjoying what you know you have without worrying too much about what else could be.

    Thank you for asking how I am...I'm OK. Whenever Life seems intent on dragging me down, I remind myself of where I started from and all the crap I've been through and out the other end. It never fails to lift my spirit.

    Enjoy the day.

    2 people found this helpful
  10. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7537 posts
    14 June 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Guess I'm contradicting thread title but a bit of space I can vent, slowly working on head & Paper (PC) how to combat depression need to put it into practice first, post later.
    Also in the process of learning how to hack this I can refer to these posts.

    Vent: I'll be ok don't wanna give up like in the past but it gets mighty scary at times.
    Feeling I'm sliding downhill these days, fast. Good times too, not all bad, moreso when alone dangerous times when the mind gets into self destruct mode.

    Recap: BP (Bipolar) type 1 & 2 no hallucinations, grand deur fortunately.

    Main prob atm is amongst life throwing nasties the cycles are slamming, 8/10+ yr. Most have 1 or 2 every 1 or 2 yrs.(Psychiatrist said).

    I sincerely mean this not just words, but ya get desparate, need to talk to someone professional. The few times I've rang lifeline or here, there's not enough time, that's not a fault of anyone's sooo grateful for the service & time we do get & understand there's so many others needing more help. Not complaining, it's how it is but they can't take notes either for future reference, so going through the story so often is time consuming too for both parties.

    I do tho don't wanna be dumping constantly on friends who luckily I have a lot of, but the ones that love me, don't need this crap & worry. I'm usually happy go lucky type, often not underneath.

    Sick of hurting, crying, being down.
    People usually stimulate me so jump a bus, chat, or just be around them, or visit, fb, call, text helps temporarily but better than no break.
    Distraction we need doesn't solve problems just deters them for a bit but at least a break

    While I was with partner suicide again never entered my mind, & God the places ya go are beyond hell, deep pits, still often but since, ....... pffftttt....it's an option which I need to delete permanently. Partner & his sister both passed same yr within mths both fought like hell for life, wouldn't be right to take mine willingly.

    Sorry reiterating a bit.

    Mostly I don't know I'm in a cycle till later on. They can sneak up. Used to be 2/3 days before whoopy sleep waking b4 birdies fart not so much now.

    Anyway, pretty sure this isn't BP downs, hoping when I catch up sleep things be brighter, usually are.

    I DO believe we can beat this. Helps to believe aye.

    Thanks listening :)


    1 person found this helpful
  11. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7537 posts
    14 June 2017 in reply to Starwolf
    Thanks Star, you're very supportive & very appreciated :)

    Yes I'm starting to learn to look back same as you in a positive way rather than negative & say to myself I've survived several suicide attempts, darkest of dark and had much happiness between the rot.
    It is worth the effort esp when we've seen the darkest sides aye.

    Art is hard to explain, I reluctantly say abstract cause I've seen some horrors with it lol, (yeah yeah beauty in the eye of beholder, not this eye :) & I wouldn't give 2 cents for Mona Lisa, well yeah I would for monetary value lol but some have I think accurately described it as tribal art. Maybe similar to Celtic, they're designs, I KNOW I can make it big (sounds Bipolary I know but truth). Goal to be a household name.
    This friend I'm talking about believes in it too and we're in throws of going into it together. May not eventuate with her though I think it might but time will tell, I'll find another way but for now the great thing is I HAVE a goal & working towards it. Actually starting to enjoy it, mainly it's monetary value not love of art, but am starting to appreciate the satisfaction of creating something really nice.
    I really like Calligraphy (latern for beautiful writing) but seems I do have art skills which is a good. Did a little art at employment agency while back and surprised myself, & the bloke was an art teacher, seems I have some natural talent. Helps

    Good on you getting to the point of stopping it before it consumes you.
    Takes a lot of strength and perseverence doesn't it.
    Hope you pat yourself on the back regularly :)

    Cya around here, think I'll stick here more often than not now. It's nice to be able to hopefully help others & support. We all know what it's like here.

    Vital, thanks everyone involved :)

    Hope your days good Star
    1 person found this helpful
  12. Starwolf
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Starwolf avatar
    2521 posts
    16 June 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    You've hit the nail on the head. Creativity is the best antidote against negativity. Having a talent to go with it is a gift. Self-belief is also a terrific asset. It may or may not be sometimes fueled by BP highs but what if it is ? There again, a good way to put personal demons to good use. Kudos for having a goal and working towards it. And yeah, enjoyment sure takes the edge off hard work !

    Your reference to Mona Lisa made me smile. Pretty much everyone who has seen the painting"face to face" has felt let down (me included). As usual, the public grabs hold of whatever (anything) and runs with it. Before you know it, it acquires mythical proportions. Same as the stories running through all communities, big or small. The media has it easy...Creating myths is a human basic need, isn't it ?

    I agree that distraction is a temporary strategy but it can be renewed. It gives some measure of control, the freedom to manipulate the mind instead of being manipulated by it. I think everyone of us is to a large extent enslaved by the mind. Personality is the product of past experiences and our reactions to them. Mental conditions sure aggravate the issue.

    Enough philosophying...enjoy the day.

    2 people found this helpful
  13. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7537 posts
    16 June 2017 in reply to Starwolf
    LOVE depth & philosophying Star :)

    Thanks for reply and encouragement

    Just read an article shared on fb (Facebook) interesting about mindfulness.
    Try & remember what they were saying, was to do with meditation activating a section of the brain that lessened the Thalmus? (?Sp) activity that recongnizes pain mentally & pyhsically.
    They had 3 groups. They heated skin on people to 120% F so that'd be approx 40 degrees Celsius I think Closeish)
    One group did placebo meditation, another group had controlled (unsure what they meant, maybe pain relief) & the other had ? normal type of meditation, the normal meditation group had 40+ % less depression from the pain and 25+ % less feeling of physical pain.

    Our minds are extremely powerful, we've just gotta learn how to use them in our favour.

    Jeez I know I can get there but Woesie it's so damned heavy & hard to turn it around. But is achievable I know it.

    I think one of the keys are in the between times, to work on coping strategies.
    When we're down our minds are too chokka with heavies.
    Think working on changing our thinking, how we feel about ourselves is vital.
    Good starting point

    have great day Star
    1 person found this helpful
  14. Starwolf
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Starwolf avatar
    2521 posts
    16 June 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Just in case you haven't caught up with it, there's a thread about mindfulness in the Staying well section (Mindfulness : What is it ?...).

    I credit mindfulness with saving my life. As you have noticed, it is very difficult for the western mind to get into. Though it has become a way of life for me, something automatic, it was not always that way !!! So much of Life passes us by while we're busy concocting unlikely/useless scenarios in our mind... Living alone in the wilderness and working with animals keeps me anchored in the moment. The natural world is a fascinating masterpiece of engineering.

    2 people found this helpful
  15. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7537 posts
    16 June 2017 in reply to Starwolf
    Ok thx Star

    I'll be interested in having a gander, not sure when though

    Yes it sure is a masterpiece of engineering, I don't think it's an accident or miracle we're here. Maybe hope there's more to meet up with love we've had/have but reasons like water, food for different species of life, all here provided.
    Amazing world we live in, & the mystery of what's it all about.

    We're part of the universe

    God hear ya about the scenarios, I'm pretty happy that I seem mostly to have got somehow that under control, not always & plenty other stuff to work through but that was a huge down, frustrating.

    Star is it you that copes untold better through Ayurveda? Western world thinking made me think it may be you.
    I have looked into that a little, liked the bits I saw on video online with Deepak Chopra stuff he was saying.

    If it's not you I'll stumble on the post one day & direct you, you may be interested too
  16. Starwolf
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Starwolf avatar
    2521 posts
    17 June 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    I like the way Deepak Chopra incorporates Ayurveda principles into his branch of modern medicine. While living a decade in Asia, I looked into Ayurveda and a lot of it made sense to me. There again, so do elements of traditional Chinese medicine and much else, from shamanism to mysticism. I always had an inquisitive mind and traveled a lot. So my approach to life is eclectic. I have adopted and rejected elements of various cultures, religions and philosophies. Learning as I go...

    I agree that the mind is powerful and that we use little of it. But this power can also play against us....and does regularly. The fact that it depends on a cocktail of electro-chemical reactions, that it has autonomy and rulership over us, that much of it is a product of the past, gradually led me to consider it as an entity outside my real self. With that came detachment. I stopped associating with the BS it regularly got me tangled in. I guess I began treating it very much as one of the rogue animals I have been working on/with all my life (I'm a remedial trainer). This approach worked for me...though teaching it to "sit and stay" didn't come easy. These days, it walks at heel a lot better, even when off leash. Whenever it strays, it will heed recall. Cooperation Vs all out war :-)

    I'm 100% with you. Knowing it can be done is a first but huge step forward. Well done for taking that leap.

    1 person found this helpful
  17. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7537 posts
    17 June 2017 in reply to Starwolf
    Thanks Star

    Yeah I wanna read more about him and Ayurveda, probs won't go that way, will eventually eat way better more regularly but interested cause the chooky here has successfully beaten the downs with that science I guess or better word belief maybe.....Haaa eeeelp plz :)

    Good on you travelling a lot, know of a lot of people that have that thirst to explore and see the world.

    Couple of ?'s I know I could look em up but often explanations from dictionary's leave ya completely bamboozled more so than originally.
    Eclectic ? Heard it before but not sure of meaning
    Remedial trainer (with dogs I'm assuming) Scared of em until know any animal for that matter isn't gunna chomp at me (Shaking/mouth & eyes wide emote)

    Not sure if it was you I said my theory about why we all have bad points and part of our brains pull us down when every human wants happiness.
    Controversial yes, I think we've been created for several reasons but let's say there's a God involved which is good, what about along the Ying & Yang lines which is evident in so many aspects of our lives and on earth, we were also created by the devil explaining why part of us constantly tries to pull us down. We ALL, well nearly, have good & bad to us.

    I heard that chemicals were the reason for downs, mood swings, ups etc, but then also heard not long ago, maybe not, they don't know for sure yet so dunno.
    Just heard other day sorry if repeating, about the electro magnetic biz that comes from the sun & works in our heads. Interesting you saying about that soon after hearing about it.
    Wanna ask him more about that. Very knowledgeable man, either 90 or 91, all faculties, remarkable man, walking talking, seems a real gentleman. Had great convo on bus other day with him, knew him before from bussing. Meet a lot of people, some have become good friends, some in process.
    Always loved p.transporting, your around peeps even if don't get into chats.

    Good for you holding it at bay, quite a major accomplishment, we all know how heavy the burden is.

    Phew I'm just starting to come good after a mth intermittent wicked downs. Was extremely tired which plays a huge part. Gets frightening how low ya go. Get desparate, fear of going under the line
  18. Starwolf
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Starwolf avatar
    2521 posts
    17 June 2017 in reply to Starwolf

    Good to know you are feeling a little more at peace. A month in hell feels like eternity, doesn't it ? You are right, something as simple as long-term lack of sleep stops us firing on all cylinders, physically, mentally and emotionally. Sleep deprivation has often been used as a form of torture. Exhaustion on all levels also makes brainwashing a lot easier...so it is easier for the mind to drag us where we don't want to go.

    By eclectic I mean I have picked up and experimented with a lot of different schools of thought. Adopted what made sense and worked, rejected the rest. Heaps of bits and pieces from here and there. I don't subscribe to any ism...way too dogmatic, limiting.

    Remedial trainer ? I "rehab" (deprogram/reprogram) animals who have been deemed unrehomable, and unworkable. Mostly dogs and horses. Most of them with homicidal tendencies due to human misunderstanding, mishandling, cruelty and neglect (so suffering from an animal version of PTSD !).

    If you are interested in the mechanics of the brain, I'd suggest you google NIMH-Brain basics. It is explained in everyday language. If I remember right, there is a section on the way electro-chemical reactions play a part in mental conditions. Also how the "wrong" part of the brain kicks in to cause anxiety (the fight/flight reflex) etc... The scientific approach in lay terms, no gobbledygook. A good starting point to extend research further if you are so inclined. Getting familiar with the mechanical side of the story can help take it less personally.

    Wishing you a peaceful, restful evening.

    1 person found this helpful
  19. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7537 posts
    18 June 2017 in reply to Starwolf

    Hey Star

    Yes the downs are so hard to get through, thought I was on the up (not mania) yesterday, felt a LOT better but woke up again pretty average.I can handle this though, hard but not deep like usual rot.
    Need to pin point reasons & go from there.
    Being around people helps. Good distraction usually happy around them, its the alone times which most could probs relate the brain does it's best work.
    I'm sure I can win over this, just gotta learn how. Got a few clues need to learn putting them into practice.
    Walking a few hills will give a boost & getting stuck into the card for friends (passed recently) Mum will help. Distractions good but doesnt get to the core of probs. Over it. See psych next wk she comes this way from Canberra every 6 wks, haven't seen for an age so got some ear bashing to do, poor thing lol.

    Thx explaining stuff, so eclectic taking info outta few resources?

    Wow! you're a brave person taking on disturbed animals. Good on you, have no doubt they go wild through lack of human compassion & love. What some people do to animals is pure evil. Mongrels. Good on you.
    I'd need a few changes of undies putting it mildly.
    Had some hairy times with dogs protecting their properties (fair enough) door to door over the yrs. Being scared doesn't help an iota, pretty sure they sense my fear 2 hrs before I land at their place. Phew never been bitten but the heart attacks made up for that lol.

    Thanks I might have a squiz one day at the brain stuff.

    So are you majority of the time ok now, I know you said about the shadow close by but sounds like you keep the beast at bay. Congrats. It IS possible to get control isn't it, that I DO believe. It's our thinking that allows us to continue feeling down, I think it's down to rewiring our thinking.
    Opened my mind recently to different & lateral thinking, helped temporarily maybe a touch of mania stepping in, didn't last long must try & tap into it again.

    Yes in wars sleep deprivation used, maybe today too as a form of torture. It's powerful, we're at our weakest when tired,exhausted. For mind & body it's a need to function fully. We're at our strongest with enough sleep.

    Hope your days good Star :)






  20. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7537 posts
    19 June 2017 in reply to demonblaster
    Approx the past mth I've been majority of the time very low, Up & down, which can be consistent with mixed episodes of BP (Bipolar) but usually I sit either up in the highs & very low in the downs.

    Reason I've had ups amongst the downs is through listening to people here & thinking stuff through, (Constantly doing that) so forced myself through & against that part of the mind insisting to stay put & be miserable to go to table tennis, as well as went to a family/friend Cancer cuppa day which both lifted me no end & other stuff too.
    For me, not everyone I realise, people stimulate me, not necessarily in a good way but most are good.
    This worked till I was alone again but at least it was a break from going deeper that's always a fear as most would know. It's been a doozy at times amongst pretty rough times, they usually are extreme.

    Point: Distractions useful if only to give us a break from our heads.

    I try not to be blagghhh amongst people but do find talking to them about how it is though probs a downer which I don't wanna do to people at least it gives them an understanding (hopefully) & many don't know what we go through unless we explain. Education from the horses mouth. (Nayyyy)
    There's so many mental issues that many have, most people if not themselves know of someone that does, so it can be beneficial too, cause of hearing different ways of coping, ideas, support etc.

    I started over a few days on PC jotting down what I've worked out so far but haven't put a lot to practice yet, it takes time, gotta be in the right mindset, not tired, strong (at our best with enough sleep) & often it's over yrs we've had a certain mindset, letting the downs down us. I'm learning & repeat, I'm going to beat this, or worst scenario, get control over it, so WIN WIN either way.
    The list got bigger & bigger so over time I'll keep going here.
    Hopefully will help others too.

    Hold on people, it's worth the battle for freedom & happiness.

    I believe we can all get there, just gotta work out how.

  21. Starwolf
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Starwolf avatar
    2521 posts
    19 June 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Thank you for sharing your remarkable insight. Your positive mindset is inspiring so it definitely needs to be spread around. You have much to offer so... good on you for navigating the forums and connecting with other members. I'm sure your contribution will be appreciated.

    I agree that distraction is a soothing (if temporary) balm. A useful strategy. I also think that talking to people while keeping the blerk feeling at bay helps somehow distance ourselves from the emotional contents. At least while in their presence. As you say, good for everyone concerned. But this practice can be extended to those dreaded alone times. That's where mindfulness came to my rescue (the mind dispassionately watching itself).

    To answer your question, I consider myself healed and DAS tests (depression, anxiety, stress) confirm this. I'm in the low to normal in all 3. Have been so for many years in spite of the curves that were thrown at me during that time. Dissociation has been reintegrated, no longer an outside personality taking control.

    Where PTSD is concerned, it always made sense to me that something which had been subconsciously programmed could also be consciously reconfigured. Eventually. It was more logical thinking than just belief. It is self-belief that regularly let me down...not feeling up to unraveling the tangles. Not only alone but up against the general consensus which considered my condition terminal ! I acknowledge it could have been, almost was. Self-image and confidence are the main resources abuse takes away from its victims. Luckily, the victim status didn't go down well with me...

    We're all different, facing different issues and reacting to them differently. Recovery is a personal journey of self-discovery. Whether it will happen or not depends on a variety of complex conditions. As is often said, the journey is way more important than the destination. It is true that a lot is out of our hands and cannot be changed. But adopting a different perspective is always possible. This in itself can change everything !

    1 person found this helpful
  22. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7537 posts
    19 June 2017 in reply to Starwolf
    Thanks for your support Star & chatting too, bit empty when you're talking to yourself :) but I'm staying cause it's helping get there & hopefully helping others same time. It is therapeutic writing stuff. (not for everyone probs)

    Glad you said some about yourself cause I was going to ask more, entirely your choice of course to talk.

    True bout the journey of self discovery, we need to understand & believe in ourselves for strength & survival.
    Also to be honest about our shortcomings, why we're feeling a certain way which often is hard cause it's not how we want to be so change is needed aye.

    You've really come a long way well done. Heavy duty stuff to be dealing with.

    Is disociation similar or same as Schizophrenia? (?sp) or separate condition.

    Yip self image & confidence depression squashes, it does everything to us that hurts us.

    Tiredness brings on stress on top of stress which creates all sorts of rot.
    One of the majors we need to learn is emotional control, everyone. Dealing with stress, it's massive on the mind & body.

    I haven't fully yet racked off suicide as an option, not planning on it or anything, just sits at back of mind, just need to keep reiterating reasons on post up there somewhere why not to.
    One of the best fb posts I've seen said
    "Suicide doesn't take the pain away"
    "It leaves it"
    So true. I don't like hurting people and it would, a LOT of so just gotta work at dismissing it full stop.

    The thing is the BP cycles are so stuffin often & harsh as, ya wonder how much you can take aye before saying enough, but gotta change that thinking too.
    Having lot of struggle getting outta this properly but have to. It's all part of growing & learning.
    On the better side, it's backing off slowly, pretty sure cause of getting more quality sleep. Usually get exhausted or close to with BP, I didn't realise how tired I was over the past mth. Some self inflicted :) other the mind saying no no stay up, you're half dead but let's play more :D

    Gotta believe aye

    catch ya :)
    1 person found this helpful
  23. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7537 posts
    19 June 2017 in reply to Starwolf
    Star been thinking untold bout chooky I talked about.
    Trying to figure if it's love, yes in friendship definately but in love dunno. As you said sounds more than friendship. Been thinking about what you said so well too.

    Told her other day first time she's been around here without prompting in the couple of yrs, she needed to talk rare for her usually holds it in. Happy to be here for her. Had a good time. Partied hard. I know she's happy when we bum around.
    said I don't know if I'm in love with her bla bla, later told her about teen yrs met a bloke, drop dead yum, that I introduced to a besty who he fell in love with. Yeah too much fun, I was instantly infatuated, friend was a domineering chook, still love her deeply but god she hurt me a lot over our time, she had it all going for her & rarely made me feel good about myself which was lowest of low self esteem anyway I'd say no I don't wanna go out with yaz, so I could remove from pain but her being domineering mostly I went out with them, it ripped. Not to say I didn't have fun too but hurt like hell. Said to chooky I don't wanna go back there.
    Maybe that's what's going on, could be the blocker that I can't figure out if it's love or not.

    Been thinking of things I don't like about her, nothing major, few bits, but compared to what I REALLY love about her, no majors except one time not yelling match but got very hurt by her reaction, dropped her, bit later we ended up friends again, when I told her I'd dropped her I could hear in her voice she was very hurt. We've made a kinda pledge that if we argue to sort it asap and move on, life's too friggen short esp this friend recently suddenly passing.

    I'm thinking the best thing for me is to take a big step back avoid being around her try like hell to get her outta my head. Doesn''t drive me nuts but constant thoughts of her. It'll be hard on her esp that I'd like to but not sure if I'm goin to say anything but think I should dahhhh, dunno.

    If I knew for sure she didn't have any feelings that way at all then it'd be ouch but easier to hack, dunno if I'm ready for more rejection though, esp not these days & there's been a couple of possibles but really don't know. Gotta weigh up if it's just wishful thinking.

    This for me is my biggest down atm, crying. It seems like there's 100 demons to slay.
    I AM making progress at least but it has to be sooner than later
    You said about time will tell, truth
    Can't see alternatives

    Thx listening
  24. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7537 posts
    21 June 2017 in reply to demonblaster
    FINALLY getting through a long drawn out intermittent low, WOW soooo good to be on the I hope normal & not sliding into another BP cycle but either ither both good.

    Ok so I think, not saying I'm right but the first thing we have to work on is like/loving ourselves. If we do I think that's where we get confidence. (a shield)

    How:... We all have good points, For many... mental issues happen to good people.
    Think about them, keep reminding ourselves until we finally realise & believe we're worthy.

    The person we spend our entire being with is US, every second of our lives. If we don't like ourselves there's untold hard work, pain, anguish, anxiety, depression, the list goes on....

    I'm pretty sure a starting point for happiness would be to like ourselves.

    That'll do for a starter, eyes nearly falling on keyboard

    Night night, hope yous sleep well, all the rot makes it hard aye.

    Believe


  25. Starwolf
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Starwolf avatar
    2521 posts
    23 June 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Sorry I haven't been around. Inuring my back means I am able to do little else than lie on the floor in front of the heater.

    You are right about self esteem. Nothing like emotionally abusive relationships to destroy it. And yes, it sure sets a pattern that compels us to fall back into similar associations. I think you are also right to be wary and cautious.

    It took a couple of emotionally abusive relationships for me to realize that the pattern established during childhood was a hard one to shake...and that the only antidotes were self-esteem and confidence. Of course all relationships start on a high. By the time we figure our subconscious has been at work behind the scene, we are hooked.

    You have already done a lot of courageous work on yourself and you know where you want to go...all good reasons to give yourself the pat on the back you so much deserve. Heroism is often thought of as a single spur-of-the-moment act. I think those who are battling the odds (like any illness for example) day after day over the years are more deserving of praise.

    2 people found this helpful
  26. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7537 posts
    23 June 2017 in reply to Starwolf
    Bumma Star bout your back yeah full empathy, when mine goes out next which usually is in a big way I'll be in hospital, live in fear of it going out the pains unimaginable even with strong pain relief, barely can walk sometimes not at all.
    So is it better now or bearable?

    Good to see you too btw :)

    Yeah she's respectful & really nice but I thought maybe I could get her outta my head by looking for faults, so far not much I don't like but just odd bits that don't really bother me as with everyone there's some things, be the same for her about me too no doubt. Our friendship is definately growing stronger & we don't see that much of eachother either. Gotta work hard on working out what the frigs going on. Then I can move on and be happy with a good friendship only.

    The worst emotional abuse comes from my own head towards myself as many here & others too would be able to relate.

    Thought I was coming outta the long down but seems it's still hanging on but going out tonight to see a good band & tear the dance floor up. Better around people.

    Haven't seen original psychologist for months, she's very good, saw another that lives here couple times lovely etc but didn't really feel she's right fit for me & going through whole story over and over can be average, so gunna go back to this one but she only comes this way from another state every 6 wks but better than nothing.

    Also got another organisation which took a few mths to get into programme, not their fault just the way it is & probs down to funding too so happy bout that cause as we all know at times ya get desparate & need to talk to someone, I simply CAN"T afford to go under that line again, & with the depression atm there's a good chance if BP comes in hard again that it'll happen.

    Thanks Star for talking to me here, looks like just us, I am very grateful to you.

    Apart from your back how are you doing?
  27. Starwolf
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Starwolf avatar
    2521 posts
    27 June 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Your empathy goes to my heart...thank you.

    I smiled when you mentioned tearing up the dance floor (by far a favourite mindfulness exercise). Dance always played a huge part in my life so I'm totally with you re its therapeutic value. Great coordination for body, mind and soul.

    It is a shame that finding the right therapist to connect and work with long-term often proves so difficult. Kudos for acknowledging the need to spill it all out...regardless. Better coping strategy than bottling it all up. You are right, the last thing you need is another implosion. Terrific insight into your mental/emotional states should keep you out of harm. Nothing like being in tune with your moods to give you a handle on them.

    Perhaps mentioning this thread around the forums would lead to more interaction. Surely I am not the only one to find it a great place to visit...Knowing where to find you will help.

    Sending love and warm thoughts your way.

    1 person found this helpful
  28. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7537 posts
    27 June 2017 in reply to Starwolf

    Thankyou Star :)

    how are you, how's your back now?

  29. Just Sara
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Just Sara avatar
    3397 posts
    28 June 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Hey Chooky!

    Thought I'd drop in and say "Hey there" :)

    I just found this thread; sorry I didn't know you had one going lovely. I haven't read thru...my bad. I'm trying to find new posters atm who've gone under the radar and let them know they're heard. I see you've been doing a bit of that yourself...kudos and thankyou.

    I might pop in again later in the day or this evening to chat more in depth if you like. Would be nice to get to know you better and support if I can.

    Looking forward to it...

    Warm thoughts;

    Sara x

    1 person found this helpful
  30. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7537 posts
    28 June 2017 in reply to Just Sara

    Hey chooky thanks darl yeah been doing it hard lately, just posted elsewhere too, need to talk.

    Feel like I've caught up sleep finally, trying to get this card done, (recently friend died suddenly, for her Mum & in honor of her with my art but can't get it happening, not happy no matter what I do & feeling pressured to get it done.
    Can't shake this depression, ok around others but not. Nearly every day lately crying, (going for it now here) sad, scared when the next BP comes on that it's gunna compound. Have a lot of people contact usually which is good and lot of love but ya can't keep downing them.

    As much as I believe this can be controlled, tbh I'm not sure, just don't know how much more I'm willing to take, is why I HAVE to work it out NOW not later. I'm usually happy between cycles, this batch is going on for wks, usually able to get out once I catch up properly with sleep within 2/3 wks.

    Lost my life partner nearly 2 & half yrs ago, hell with BP slamming on top, nearly took me back to attempts, I live in fear of going under the line again, tried 4 times & other contemplating in teens. Contemplating through grieving too, although over worst of, missing him sooo much. We loved eachother, haven't got that anymore.

    Yeah I too as you noticed don't wanna see people not responded too. We sound similar :) chooky

    Thanks again girl for caring and listening xx
    How are you doin

    I wanted to put a BP thread up which there's already one and a diary so I can vent in there but cause there's already one I can't. This isn't the right one to be venting in but haven't got anywhere else here.




    1 person found this helpful

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up