Online forums

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please complete your profile

Complete your profile

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community.

Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Topic: What do I do?

  1. Night
    Night avatar
    49 posts
    23 August 2016

    This is my first post, so excuse me if I make any mistakes.

    I hardly know where to start when discussing my sotuation. For just over a year I've been extremely stressed with family issues. I can't cope but I don't feel comfortable telling anyone. I lack trust as it seems every time I trust someone, they lose my trust almost as quickly. From things I've read on beyondblue and the Internet in general, I believe I have social phobia and depression. I helped care for a friend who suffers depression and it's been great to see him recover from the suicidal slump he was in. The only problem is now I've found myself in the same hole he was in. I don't know anyone who wouldn't judge me or react in some negative way if I told them I was suicidal. I tried to tell some friends about my mental state. At the time I was still unsure if I wanted them to know or not, so I double encrypted a message. It was devastating to see how quickly it was shrugged off as 'just some random letters to get attention'. Tonight I took the 'K10' test and scored 39. Last week I had possibly the scariest moment in my life. I was researching different suicide methods when my parents came in. I'm still unsure if they saw or not, but ever since they've been acting strange. I also have two school assignments coming up with very large weightings. Both are speeches- something I'm not looking forward to in the slightest. I don't know what to do. I know I need help, but I'm unsure if I want it.

    Sorry if I rambled a lot in different directions, but I'm just so confused.

    Thanks,

    Night

  2. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    11264 posts
    24 August 2016 in reply to Night

    Hello Night

    Welcome to the forums and thanks for posting too!

    You havent rambled in any way. You actually have great strength by posting.

    You mentioned that you have some family issues that may be having a detrimental effect on your health. If you are comfortable letting us know whats happening at home we may get a better idea of what you are going through.

    I dont blame you for researching mental health on the internet but it can sometimes make our situation seem worse than what it is. Dr Google is fine with a basic health enquiry but as depression is such a broad illness you might be self diagnosing using information which is inaccurate.

    I can see that you are in a dark place right now and the first step towards healing yourself is seeing your GP. They have better training on depression compared to when I had it years ago. You will find relief by doing so Night :-)

    It is good to to speak to friends about our health and good on you for trying. People having little knowledge about suicide or depression usually are stuck for what to say through ignorance. You had the courage to try though and good on you.

    Seeing a school counselor or a GP would be a great start. You will feel better.

    If you get stuck BB also have qualified counselors that are really kind and non judgemental too 1300 22 4636

    There are also many super kind here on the forums if you want to have a chat or vent too as well :-)

    I hope you can stick around Night. Please let us know your thoughts if you wish

    My kindest thoughts

    Paul

  3. Starwolf
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Starwolf avatar
    2521 posts
    24 August 2016 in reply to Night

    Hello Night, a warm welcome to you.

    I know this has been difficult for you so thank you for sharing your thoughts and concerns with us. You have come to the right place.

    I agree with Paul...mental illness is too complex to be investigated via Google. I suggest you scroll down to the bottom of this page and check the "Facts" section. You will also find there a depression/anxiety checklist, accurate and useful guidelines.

    Mental conditions are difficult to understand and come to terms with for sufferers, even more so for those looking in from the outside. It doesn't mean they don't care, they're just out of their depth so end up saying/doing unhelpful things, withdrawing or shrugging it off. They're an illness, just like diabetes, high blood pressure etc...and require the same professional attention. They're not caused by you or due to some flaw of character. With the right help and support, they can be managed.

    Your safety is a priority so please take good care of yourself. If thoughts of self-harm become overwhelming, please do not hesitate to call the helpline. It is there to help those in need over a rough patch. Whoever answers the call will know exactly what you are talking about and how you feel about it. Sometimes, we all need to let steam off and have a chat with someone who understands.

    I feel your apprehension re your school assignments. You are articulate and intelligent, you may have no problem at all. However, it is no big drama if you cannot cope on those days. Your health and well being are more important right now. Perhaps time has come to focus on that. Studies can always be interrupted and resumed later, when you feel more up to it. My daughter ended up with acquired brain injury, had to quit at the end of year 11 and became a mature age student a few years later to finish off where she left. An option to consider should the need arise.

    A visit to a GP would be a wise first step. You could then be referred to someone who can help regain control and peace of mind. Your parents should be informed at some stage as this is more easily done if you have family support. Written info can be ordered free of charge from BB (see the end of Get Support at the bottom of this page. Information is better accepted/taken seriously if it comes from a professional outsider.

    Meanwhile, these forums are a safe place to vent and connect with others in similar situations. Great to have you on board.

  4. Night
    Night avatar
    49 posts
    24 August 2016 in reply to blondguy

    Thank you so much Paul.

    The family issue I am talking about is a rather long story, so I may accidentally miss some details or get things in the wrong order. I also may have been mis-informed about some.

    A little over a year ago, my Granddad (an alcoholic who suffers with depression) grew frustrated with his wife for limiting his drinking. He attempted suicide, but failed. She made him sign documents whilst he was still in hospital under medication, freezing his bank account for 'his own protection'. Once he recovered, he began living with my family and I. I didn't mind this, though he had never really been present in my life. One thing that none of us knew was how annoying he is to live with. Constantly grumbling and groaning at things, getting annoyed at us for not doing something, while he sits on the couch watching seemingly the same news headlines all day every day. Whilst I could rant about the many reasons he is frustrating, I won't. He and my younger sister didn't get along. They would constantly be rude to one another or ignore each other or more. Though I didn't like him being here, I didn't express it. I acted happy to see him when I got home from school and listened when he told the same story for the 50th time. Months passed and his money still hadn't been unfrozen. My granddad's ex-wife (they are now divorced) was constantly delaying. One time she decided to go on a no notice, 6 week cruise. Even over this time, I still put on an act just so that my granddad has a friend. If I didn't, I would likely send him over the edge and make him commit suicide again (maybe the 6th attempt while he is living with us? I've lost count). Despite this, my parents treat my sister like she's the queen and me like trash. I could go on, but I am running out of characters.

    Whilst this is likely a large contributing factor to my mental state, I believe there are others. Bullied at school for as long as I can remember. The only friend I thought I had (the one I helped through his depression) has grown more and more distant. When we used to Skype daily- playing online video games, he is now rare to catch once a month. The friends I tried to reach out to have basically disappeared to. Whilst they are happy to add me to group chats etc, the contents of the chat are inside jokes that no one will explain. I feel isolated even there.

    Thank you again so much. In the one post you have sent me, you are already one of the kindest person I know.

  5. Night
    Night avatar
    49 posts
    24 August 2016 in reply to Starwolf

    Hi Starwolf,

    Thank you so much for your post, it means a lot to me.

    Whilst I appreciate your concern for my safety, sadly self harm has become a daily habit. Though it is one I am trying to break, I am having little success.

    In regards to my upcoming assignments, it is not the understanding of the content etc that is worrying. Many people at school are awed by my ability to achieve high marks in most subjects without studying. While learning has come easy to me, socialising has not. I believe I could write an essay or a report on the topic and achieve a good result, it is the speech part that is frightening. It has almost become a joke how quickly my face turns bright red when I am embarrassed or nervous, which happens pretty regularly.

    I feel that if I were to try to talk to someone, either my parents or a GP, I wouldn't know what to say, or wouldn't be able to say it.

    Whilst I have grown to enjoy solitude, I can see a need for socialising. I just haven't found people I am comfortable around.

    Thanks again.

  6. Starwolf
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Starwolf avatar
    2521 posts
    25 August 2016 in reply to Night

    Hey Night,

    Thank you for shedding more light on your personal story. No wonder you are feeling stressed...My heart goes out to you.

    Nothing like bullying to pull the carpet from under the feet and make self esteem and confidence take a nose dive. It is a shame you are misunderstood and-I feel- underestimated. Your attitude towards your grandfather shows you are caring and compassionate. It should never be a young person's role and responsibility to look after an adult. I think you're a legend...

    I understand that talking with people is an issue but you express yourself very well in writing. Why not use this ability to write about your feelings in letter form, to be handed over to family members ? Many others, equally reluctant to talk to family, a GP or counselor have found this a much easier option. A letter can be edited as many times as necessary, it can be read and re-read at leisure. No dreaded face to face confrontation so no emotional outbursts.. Putting thoughts in writing also helps clarify them to yourself. I hope you will give this alternative a thought as I would really like you to find help and support. You deserve so much better than more of the same...You are already reaching out and opening up in these forums already, a courageous and wise decision. No need to struggle alone when assistance is available. You could just copy your posts and hand them over to a GP...and your parents.

    Please extend to yourself the care and compassion you so readily offer to those around you.

    My thoughts are with you.

  7. Night
    Night avatar
    49 posts
    26 August 2016 in reply to Starwolf

    Hi Starwolf.

    Thanks again for your kind words- possibly the kindest anyone has ever been to me.

    I appreciate your suggestion of writing to parents or a GP etc, but the fact of the matter is, I would always have to talk to them at some stage. I will always remember a quote an old friend told me. 'Someone can only be helped as much as they are willing to be'. I wish I could explain why I feel this way, but everything bad that happens to me just seems normal at this stage, so it is hard to pick out specifics. The bullying I mentioned is not the physical kind typically associated with bullying, but the demeaning verbal form. I so badly wish I could come home from a day with bruises and black eyes. At least then I someone would notice the effect someone's actions had. Or better yet I could put up a fight. But alas I am stuck going to bed at night and waking up the next day in a constant nightmare.

    A group of 'friends' and I are going to the movies tomorrow night. I am more or less being forced to by my parents because they want me to get out of the house. This kind of thing happens every now and again. It's always the case where they talk amongst themselves and enjoy themselves, while I'm there seemingly for no reason, alone and isolated as always.

    I'm so tired of my life, but too scared to seek change. I wish my life would improve, but I know it won't change. I wish my life would end but I know I'd manage to mess even that up.

  8. Night
    Night avatar
    49 posts
    26 August 2016 in reply to Starwolf

    Sorry- One thing I think I forgot.

    I also don't want my parents to know how I'm feeling because I know that if they did they'd think that it's because my granddad is here, so kicking him out would fix the problem. Doing that would then likely result in his suicide or attempted suicide, which would then be my fault- another thing I wouldn't be able to handle.

    It just seems like I have to act strong enough to hold up the weak around me, with no regard for myself. Then again, I guess I'm used to it.

  9. Starwolf
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Starwolf avatar
    2521 posts
    27 August 2016 in reply to Night

    First of all, your grandfather may be emotionally fragile, but he is an adult. Sure, you are doing a great, selfless job of supporting him but ultimately, you cannot be made responsible for his choices or actions. The quote you cited can also apply to you and him. Your well being is your priority. It is what will enable you to keep going and caring for those around you.

    Not being able to talk to your parents is one thing. But I still think you should write down your thoughts and concerns and hand them over the reception desk at your chosen medical clinic. This would be passed on to a GP who would read it before seeing you. If you are over 16, your parents don't need to know. I know it takes courage but there's nothing to lose and everything to be gained. The effort will be well worthwhile in the long run. GPs understand both physical and mental conditions. Judgment doesn't come into it. It would be like blaming someone for having diabetes...It's not going to happen. You would be safe and in good hands.

    I agree with you that emotional bullying can be worse than its physical equivalent. It is more insidious. Its wounds and scars are on the inside. I grew up with it, though both kinds were part of my daily life. Add sexual abuse to the equation too. I know the damage done and what it takes to repair it. As mentioned before, it can be done but struggling alone is no solution. It is also unnecessary.

    Your life can improve but a few decisions must be made that no one else can make for you. You deserve TLC and if no one around you can deliver, then it is up to you. You owe it to yourself. It would be a shame if this big heart of yours was allowed to remain broken and go to waste.

    I know you are much stronger than you think. Bullying, particularly during childhood, erodes self confidence and self esteem. These can be restored, one baby step after the other. Slow and steady does it. Tiny achievements accumulate over time into major victories. There's no valid reason to let those who hurt you win.

    I hope you enjoy the movie tomorrow and also the company. A bit of light entertainment never goes astray.

    Here for you.

  10. topsy_
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    topsy_ avatar
    1091 posts
    27 August 2016 in reply to Starwolf

    Hello Night,

    You have received some excellent advice above.

    Like you I did well at school but I could not give oral presentations. Same problem as you - a scorchingly red face & it was like my brain just froze. It couldn't - wouldn't - think.

    I'm if you could present your oral assignments in a slightly different way by using technology? I'm thinking of PowerPoint which you could have prepared & ready to go ahead of time. You probably can think of lots of different ways/methods.

    Once I entered a talent quest as a single singer. My coach told me that when I reached my stool on the stage to move it. Even if it was in exactly the right position, move it anyway. He said it would distract myself from my nervousness.

    Also my daughter who was experiencing social anxiety was told to always take a bottle of water with her - as a comfort prop. I'm sure you'll be able to think up something along the same lines that will work for you.

    I wish you well Night. Cheers, Lyn.

  11. Night
    Night avatar
    49 posts
    27 August 2016 in reply to Starwolf

    Sorry, but this one might be a bit of a rant.

    I hate caring. I always seem to care for those who don't deserve it. Those who would back stab me or leave me to die in a heartbeat. The saying goes 'do to others as you'd have others do to you'. No matter how kind I seem to be, I always get alienated. Tonight at the movies, a 'friend' (still lying to myself that these people are my friends) hadn't brought enough money for his ticket. I instantly volunteered to cover the difference. Later, the group split into different sub categories, talking about different things. I wasn't included in any, just left alone, excluded as always. I even tried to start a conversation, just to be instantly shrugged off. I knew this kind of thing would happen. I knew it would be me myself and I, but I still went. It always happen and it always will. People are just so frustrating. Sitting alone in my room all day every day seems more and more desirable. I just don't know what to do.

    I got home and my granddad can barely string a sentence together. Who knows how many bottles of red wine he's had today. His friend passed away today, and I guess this is his form of relief, like mine is self harm.

    I would hand hand a letter in to a GP like you said, but in a few years time when I'm 16. My parents just aren't understanding enough, and would either try too hard to help or tell me to toughen up. I'm sorry to hear about your past. It sounds like you had a really tough time.

    I'm so tired. I just want to go to sleep...

    thanks again

  12. Night
    Night avatar
    49 posts
    27 August 2016 in reply to topsy_

    Hi Lyn,

    Thank you for those suggestions. Sadly, we have already been told that we are not allowed any technology (PowerPoint etc) or any props. We do have to have palm cards, but they are being marked and have to be concise etc, so I can't just write my whole speech out. I guess I just have to do lots of research and not get too embarrassed when I forget everything as I walk to the front of the classroom :(

    Thanks again,

    Night

  13. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    11264 posts
    28 August 2016 in reply to Night

    Hello Night

    Your thread has really grown and has some great heartfelt support too. I am really sorry to hear about everything you have been going through especially at such a young age.

    Sometimes we just cant help all of the people all of the time. Your heart is kind and true Night. Even with what happened at the movies you can go to bed at night and know that you have helped someone (even though you ended up alienated)

    Starwolf is spot on Night....you have a huge heart which you cant let go to waste by letting it remain broken.

    I am really happy that you have found us here on the forums Night. I find the way you express yourself way beyond your years...You may have a lot on your plate right now but you also have a great deal to offer others too

    You have actually achieved a great deal since the 25th by even posting on here. You dont have an issue with expressing yourself Night, and good on you :-)

    Is there a teacher at school you get along with? Starwolf has mentioned writing down your problems. Is there any chance of you doing this with a teacher or the school counselor? (they are usually really kind people Night)

    With your speech coming up, and seeing how intelligent and well articulated you are I really dont foresee any problems. I have a strong 'gut' feeling that you will do very well Night :-)

    If we didnt have people like yourself on the BB Forums there would be no forums. I really appreciated your super kind compliment too Night

    Be'gentle' to yourself today Night, tomorrow will take care of itself...My kindest thoughts for you. Paul

  14. Night
    Night avatar
    49 posts
    28 August 2016 in reply to blondguy

    Hi Paul

    Thanks for your post.

    I have read a lot of different threads on the forums and can see how easy I really have things. I feel pathetic that I feel so bad about such minor things. I don't feel comfortable letting anyone I know that I am suicidal, and this realisation has reaffirmed this. I still want to die, but I could barely tell you why, and if I did it would sound stupid. I don't know what I thought would happen by initially posting on these forums. That I'd magically lose my suicidal thoughts? That I'd suddenly get on with people really well? Without the ability to tell someone that I'm depressed (and about nothing important too), I'm not going to get better, and I guess I accept that. The only things I enjoy in life, I get told are bad for me and are unhealthy etc, even though I could point you to a hundred places with research proving the opposite. It seems like people work so they can make money to live so that they can work more. The experiences and friendships they make along the way make things worthwhile. I don't have friendships, and I don't enjoy anything. That's my problem- a lack of enjoyment, rather than a negative life experience. Being rather mathematical, I'll put it this way. If 10 is a really positive life and -10 is a really awful life, 0 is in between, not good or bad. I'm at a 0. If I could die without harming the people around me, there would be no second thought. Even people who have hurt me don't deserve someone they know to die. I can tell I'm ranting again, so I guess I'll cut it short.

    Thanks again,

    Night

  15. Starwolf
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Starwolf avatar
    2521 posts
    29 August 2016 in reply to Night

    Hello Night and thank you so much for continuing to talk with us.

    Your obvious maturity is belying your young age. It had me fooled. I'm very impressed by your courage but still very concerned about you.

    I disagree with you...the desire to die, particularly in one so young is no trivial matter. Not having support with this distress is no minor thing either. You are quite right, thoughts of self harm cannot magically disappear without their root cause being attended to.

    I understand that seeing a GP without your parents' consent may be out of the question right now. But I suggest you speak with a school counselor, stressing that sharing your concerns with your family is not an option. There again, face to face confrontation is no obligation, a written statement will serve the purpose. This would help find practical solutions to concerns re your studies and offer much needed support. This is what school counselors are for.

    If you scroll back up to the top of this page, you will see that there is also the opportunity of "Chat online" (top right). A good way to connect with someone qualified to address your concerns. These concerns are important, because you are important.

    My thoughts are with you.

  16. Starwolf
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Starwolf avatar
    2521 posts
    29 August 2016 in reply to Starwolf

    A thought just crossed my mind...have you checked the Young People section of the forums ?

    A good place to connect with young people (12 to 25) who are experiencing similar difficulties to yours. There are terrific youngsters there who are understanding and very supportive. They will know for sure what you are talking about and how you feel. They would welcome you with open heart.

  17. Night
    Night avatar
    49 posts
    29 August 2016 in reply to Starwolf

    Hi Starwolf.

    Thanks for continuing to car for someone who probably doesn't deserve it.

    While I say I would talk to a GP when I turn 16 (March 2018), it probably isn't true. I have so little trust for anyone as people constantly break it. The same is true in the case of a school councillor- I don't feel comfortable sharing my feelings with anyone. I guess this forum is different due to its anonymous nature.

    It's sad- I feel as if anything I say or do will be used against me (as it has in the past). If I ask someone to stop something, I am weak. If I ask someone why they are doing something I'm stupid. People will do anything to gain an advantage over me. I cannot express emotion without being mad fun of, and when I don't express emotion, I am heartless or stupid etc. People are horrible aren't they (or at least just the ones I've met).

    Tonight I had a heated argument with my parents. I hate people taking pictures of me. Due to my past of having people judge me, no matter how I react to something, I see photos as a way of someone capturing a part of me I am unhappy with. I am unhappy with myself because I have been made to feel less than others my entire life. Someone having a photo of me is like giving someone the ability to judge , make fun of, critique, etc me at any time. This also isn't helped with the modern day's simplicity of photo manipulation and sharing. Two years ago, I was accidentally added to a group chat with my friends- people I trusted. They had been sharing pictures of me (without my consent) and had edited them disgustingly with the intent of putting them on my locker for my birthday. One of them even had the caption 'Birthday girl' (not sure if I have previously mentioned this, but I am male). After a few days of being unsure what to do, I told my parents, who then informed the school, shutting down the attack before they could get to my locker. Tonight, I asked my parents to delete a picture of me. I received a huge lecture as to how 'they are memories' and 'the majority of people are happy with it, so why can't you be', along with a 'just grow up'.

    I have lost all faith in humanity and don't know what I can do. It is painful that the only place I feel comfortable is hiding behind my computer screen, talking to complete strangers.

    Thank you again so much for everything :)

  18. Kazzl
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Kazzl avatar
    1873 posts
    29 August 2016 in reply to Night

    Hello Night, I've been reading your thread and wanted to say hi to you. You are a most impressive young man. Your insight, deep thinking and your ability to express yourself in writing is extraordinary for your age mate. I'm so sad that you are living in such difficult circumstances at the moment, but may I say I see so much potential in you that I truly believe you have a much better future ahead.

    May I ask you to do something? Think ahead a few years to when you are out of school and old enough for uni and/or a career. What would you like to do? Don't factor in how things are now, just imagine what and where you might be. I'd love to know. Often with depression we don't think about a future. But if we make ourselves really think about our talents, our qualities as people and the dreams we barely acknowledge, we can start to see a way through. I hope you'll try Night. I really am impressed by you mate.

    Another thing you might consider is checking out Headspace, that's a service just for young people. You can call them if you're able to talk or chat online or see if they have a centre near you. Just google Headspace and you'll find them.

    And please keep talking to us. Not only can you help yourself this way but you can also help and connect with others. Do take a look at our young people forum, I think you'll find others who have their own difficult experiences.

    Hope to talk again soon

    Kaz

  19. Starwolf
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Starwolf avatar
    2521 posts
    30 August 2016 in reply to Night

    Hey Night,

    Kazz has it nailed...things like depression, anxiety etc...keep us anchored in the past. When this past has been negative, it keeps the mind stuck in negativity. It stops us from seeing the positive side of everything, may it be inside or outside of us.

    Obviously, those around you do not get you. This lack of understanding and support makes it more difficult for you. I hope that connecting with other forum members will help you realise that not everybody is out to take advantage of your wonderful sensitivity. Caring, understanding people do exist and not only in the virtual world. All of us are part of the outside world too.

    You are going through a rough patch because you are entirely dependent on a family that doesn't get you and a school environment you cannot leave yet. This will change and you will then be freed from imposed circumstances and able to make your own choices.

    I once was in your situation. My family was dysfunctional to say the least. I grew up at the mercy of controlling, abusive people and had no one to turn to. My only motivation was to be able to high tail it out of home and school ASAP. I'm glad I did and never looked back. I am nothing special. If I could find a way through this mess, so can you. You are smart, courageous, articulate and much stronger than you think. You do have great potential. It's just that right now, this potential is held in check, unable to fulfill itself. It will not always be the case.

    So please hang in there. The world is waiting for people just like you to become available. I have a feeling that you may well end up making a valuable contribution and a positive difference.

  20. biscotti81
    biscotti81 avatar
    17 posts
    30 August 2016 in reply to Night

    Hi Night,

    I have experienced where you are at the moment. I have suffered from social anxiety at different levels all my life.

    Although it may not feel so at the moment, things can and will get better, but you will need to take the first step and reach out to the right people.

    As others have suggested, this forum, along with speaking to your G.P and then a qualified therapist will be the first step in helping you overcome your depression.

    You are smart and have every potential to overcome and manage this black hole

  21. james1
    Multicultural Correspondent
    • Foundation members of our Multicultural Experiences section
    • China
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    james1 avatar
    2972 posts
    30 August 2016 in reply to Night

    Hey Night,

    I haven't poked my head in here yet but I've been following your thread. The others have given you some really great advice which I also want to be able to follow.

    I don't feel like I have any more useful advice to provide, but here's a little bit about me and hopefully you can feel less alone in this long struggle.

    My mini autobiography:

    - I'm a 24 year old male

    - I have a sister who I care about (even if she is/was the overachieving favourite).

    - I did well at school (even if it doesn't matter so much to me)

    - I care for other people's feelings (even if it hurts me)

    - I'm trying to connect with people (even if it's hard to find people)

    - I'm trying to connect with family (even if they're not receptive)

    - I'm posting here today (even if I'm not convinced I'll get better)

    A lot of these things I've read in your own posts and, forgive me if I'm putting words in your mouth, I think are some similarities we share.

    Notice as well that I've put caveats on each one. Those are the thoughts of my little demons and devils. They're the thoughts that bring me down.

    So what would my little autobiography look like without the bracketed sections?

    It looks like you without the cloud around your mind (and just aged a little bit :p)

    Importantly, it looks like someone I'd want to be friends with.

    My point is:

    I see the positives in your posts. Starwolf, Paul, Lyn and Kazzl also see the positives in you.

    But I won't tell you to get up and feel better just because we can see you're an amazing young man. The truth is you'll feel bad for a while. And that's okay.

    Just hang in there. I hope you don't mind if I hop in this hole with you. No need to sit in different holes. We may as well try to climb out with each other's help. I'll give you a boost, and you can pull me up later.

    James

    1 person found this helpful
  22. Night
    Night avatar
    49 posts
    30 August 2016

    Hi all,

    I am so overwhelmed by all the support you have given me. I wish I'd met people like all of you earlier in my life. It's amazing the difference this short period of posting has made. Rather than self harming daily because I thought things were awful, now I'm just posting them here. I hope I can keep this up :)

    I still don't understand why people (or at least the ones I've met at school etc) act the ways they do. It seems almost every day I am wondering this. Today when someone was doing everything he could do annoy and harass me (at it was working), I asked him why he was (and has been) doing so. He simply laughed at me. I asked what he had to gain from my loss. Perhaps my over-analytical mind can't see the answer as they do, but honestly, how can you not only function, but thrive off someone else's suffering? Is there an obvious answer I am missing?

    I have been considering asking a teacher I trust to either read or pass on a letter to the school counsellor, but I can't bring myself to do it. Whether it be my parents being informed, 'friends' at school finding out, or just speculating as to why I am either seeing a counsellor/ being taken out of class, I can't bring myself to do it. While not a trait I like, I hold others' opinions of myself higher than my own.

    Something completely off topic that I thought I'd bring up is my family's desire to purchase a pet. My dad band sister want a cat and my mum would like a dog. I don't want a pet for one main reason. I do not want to go out of my way to form an emotional attachment to something that is going to die. I know this may sound stupid, but it's true. Am I being unreasonable here?? Whilst it may bring happiness, I believe that the death of a pet would far out way this.

    You have all provided some amazing advice, and thank you. I will be responding to each of your messages individually so that I can be more specific in my responses (this 2500 character limit is annoying, but I suppose it's a necessary evil)

  23. Night
    Night avatar
    49 posts
    30 August 2016 in reply to Kazzl

    Hi Kaz,

    Thank you for your advice.

    Until you mentioned it, I hadn't really thought about the future. I am so unsure as to what I want to do with my life in the long run. I don't really enjoy anything, aside from computers. Perhaps a job in programming or graphic design (the latter may be a bit hard seeing as I am partially colour blind :P) I have already started some graphic designing and have really enjoyed it. I have even made a small amount of money off it. The thing I love most though is gaming. There is a lot of misconceptions about gaming that I figured I'd clear up. The first is that gamers are anti-social. I completely disagree with this statement. I find myself more social online than I am in real life. Not having to talk to people face to face is amazing and something I wish were more common in the world. The second is that games are 'mind numbing' Again I disagree. The intense strategies and teamwork required in competitive play are phenomenal. To do well, you always have to be outsmarting your oponent, predicting what they might do next. The last point I will cover is perhaps the most important. 'You can't get a job out of gaming' While this is, for the majority, true, it is not always the case. As far as playing games is concerned, playing professionally is the best way to make a living. As we speak, there is a video game tournament going on with a $20 million prize pool, shared among the top 16 teams in the world. If we are talking dream jobs, this would be mine. As far as practicality goes, perhaps something in game design or coding. I am not very creative though, so this may be an issue.

    Enough with my rant on gaming- thank you again. I will have a look at headspace and see if that would be a good resource for me.

    Thanks,

    -Night

  24. Night
    Night avatar
    49 posts
    30 August 2016 in reply to Starwolf

    Thank you again Starwolf.

    While I see what you are saying with regards to getting stuck in the past with negativity, I find it hard to see hope when I have not had much positivity in my life. I suppose I look back and see a past I hate, with seemingly no way to change it for the future.

    I hope I've just been incredibly unlucky with the people I have met in the real world, and people like you are just around the corner.

    You mentioned being freed from being being forced to go to school and live with my family. But what really changes? Rather than school all day, it's work. Everything in life seems to be about work. We go to school so we can get a job so we can pay bills so we can live. I know I've mentioned this before, but what is the point? Why bother with a meaningless task to elongate our lives, when cutting them short seems so much easier?

    I'm sorry, but right now I don't see a point in living.

    Thanks again for all your help :)

    -Night

  25. Night
    Night avatar
    49 posts
    30 August 2016 in reply to biscotti81

    Hi Biscotti,

    Thanks for your reassuring words. As someone who suffered from social anxiety, how did you find reaching out to people about your situation? I am finding it very hard to talk to people about it as I don't know how they would react. Any suggestions?

    Thanks again,

    Night

  26. Night
    Night avatar
    49 posts
    30 August 2016 in reply to james1

    Hi James,

    Thank you for your kind reassurance. Like you mentioned, aside from the age difference (and some other minor details), the aspects you mentioned seem very similar between the two of us. The only other person I've found similarities with left when I needed him most. You've shown up when I needed someone most, so thank you.

    I still don't see many things as positive, but now I'm no longer looking for some alone :)

  27. Kazzl
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Kazzl avatar
    1873 posts
    30 August 2016 in reply to Night

    Hi Night, thank you so much for your response mate. Again, my young friend, I must say your intelligence and analytical thinking just shine for me. You are amazing and I'm so glad to have met you.

    I'm also glad you've started to look ahead. And I'm not going to criticise your love of gaming - quite the opposite. A young man I know did a tertiary course in game design when he left school. It involved both the technical programming and creative aspects. While he hasn't made a career of it specifically, he has gone into programming and IT generally as a career and formed a good social life with others who enjoy creative use of technical skills (making robots and such I think). So, I reckon for you, think laterally about your skills and how you might use them in the future.

    And well done you for questioning that bully! He might just laugh it off now, but it will stay with him. You have sown a seed. He will remember that when he's older and probably feel ashamed. Your gentle challenge and appeal to reason is an excellent response, I hope you can keep doing that.

    Keep thinking about confiding in a teacher you trust. If you can bring yourself to do it I think it would be a good move. But only you know the people and what they're like.

    Do have a look at headspace, and let us know your thoughts. And hey, will you think about something else for me? A lot of young people (and older people!) turn to booze or drugs to self-medicate or to 'fit in'. Don't do it. I did mate and now I've been sober a long time I can tell you honestly it doesn't work and it is not worth it. The temptation will be there as you get older, but please think about all the good things about yourself (and there are many, I can see them!) and don't destroy them. Hope you don't mind me saying all that, but, well, I'm old and care about young people not making the mistakes that so many of us have made.

    Hope you keep talking to us Night, I'm enjoying your company.

    Kaz

  28. Starwolf
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Starwolf avatar
    2521 posts
    31 August 2016 in reply to Night

    Hi Night,

    I'm so glad to see so many good people reaching out in support...

    The big difference between going to school and going to work is that you can choose an area of work that appeals to you. There is something fulfilling and rewarding about working at something you believe in. Going to school is the best way to find a job that is meaningful to you. I am a dog trainer, specialised in rehab for traumatised rescue dogs and also advanced stuff like security, assistance and tracking. I often blend both areas together and find K9 rejects a job that is meaningful to them. Being able to make a difference and see talents and natural inclinations fulfilled helps give meaning and fulfillment to my own life.

    This is what I meant by being able to make choices. In my school days, I had no idea I was going to end up where I am now. Finding your own slot can take time, trying different things...and a fair bit of soul searching.

    When our emotional world is in chaos, judgment becomes clouded and we easily lose track of Life's meaning. Everything seems pointless. With help, support and persistence, those clouds can be parted to reveal a clear sky. And endless possibilities.

  29. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    11264 posts
    31 August 2016 in reply to Night

    Hi Night

    I seem to have a lot of social anxiety too. I find it difficult to socialise and seem scared of it as well. I may have to work on that some more...for me that is...Its a pain

    If I can ask you Night....if you had to make a list....what are the thoughts (worries) that concern you the most?

    My kindest thoughts for you Night (sorry about the question....just trying to help) :-)

    Paul

  30. Night
    Night avatar
    49 posts
    1 September 2016 in reply to Kazzl

    Hi Kaz,

    Thanks for your reassurance in my passion for IT. Yesterday we received results for our subject selection, and I got into computer science and graphic design :)

    It seems as though nothing I ever say or do gets through to some people. The person I questioned always think that anything he does to me is ok and however I react is a joke. I just don't know how to approach it. As I have mentioned previously, if I ask him to stop, I'm hilarious; I get angry, I'm unnecessarily violent and again, funny; I tell someone (rare), I'm pathetic. It seems as though he just doesn't feel empathy or emotion.

    I still don't want to tell anyone because I don't know what would happen. I suppose it's a fear of the unknown.

    I also thought I'd reassure you that drugs/ alcohol are last on my list of solutions for my current predicaments. Aside from the obvious illegal aspect, I've seen first hand what alcohol does to people. My grandad who I have mentioned previously is an alcoholic. When something isn't going his way, he drinks. He drinks like there's no tomorrow. I don't want to be loud and obnoxious, muttering and barely able to string a sentence together. After seeing him, even when I turn 18 I don't think I'll drink. It just seems like a waste.

    Thanks again :)

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up