I have been so naive for such a long time; I believe people are generally good. I think we want to do the right thing; we want to treat the ones we love right. I still do and that’s probably my biggest mistake.
I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for a long time, it’s been so long so that I have suppressed half of the things that have happened, the calls to the police, and the locking myself in the bathroom. I have justified the drinking and anger. Because he loves me, and I know he does. He actually loves me like no other. I don’t think I will ever be loved like that again.
That’s fine. obviously, my rational side can say that it’s not but the hard shell I have made to protect myself can deal with it. I have this whole right brain, left brain argument going. I did however find out that he saw a prostitute. It broke my heart. It broke what was left of my confidence. How could he? Also is that something people do?
Why do some people do this to others, break them down. I get traumatic childhoods, abuse, but when there in nothing like that to factor in. How can I trust again?

Hey ananotherone,

Welcome and thank you for sharing your story. We are so sorry to hear that you have been in an emotionally abusive relationship. We think you are such a strong person to have been through so much, we are really grateful that you were brave enough to reach out to the forums this evening. Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space and our community is here to support you through this difficult time.

We would strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation and you can contact them anytime on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/

You might also find some ideas in reading the stories of others. Some threads you might be interested in reading include:  

"Emotional abuse.... and struggling to leave"  https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/seeking-support/helping-yourself-and-others/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/emotional-abuse-and-struggling-to-leave

"Trying to end an abusive relationship" https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/seeking-support/helping-yourself-and-others/online-forums/ptsd-trauma/trying-to-end-an-abusive-relationship

"Reset button" https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/ptsd-trauma/reset-button#qwRpXHHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

You are not alone here, and we hope that you keep us updated on how you're going whenever you feel ready.

Dear ananotherone

Hello and welcome to the forum. It takes a lot of strength to tell stories such as yours and you have my heartfelt respect and admiration for doing so. Thank you for telling us your story.

Why are some people abusive towards others is what I hear you saying. The answer? Who knows. I know long term abuse and trauma can have that effect as the person concerned wants some revenge on the world but it is family members to who are on the receiving end and it seems a little unfair when all we have done is try to love and support that person.

I have been in a similar situation and in the end came to the conclusion that if I wanted to be my own person I needed to leave. It was not easy. It's not just the parting that hurts but the ongoing loneliness of being on your own. I know many women leave these situations but return because of this loneliness and their belief they cannot manage on their own. I'm sure you recognise this as the result of living in an abusive relationship. As you said, Why do some people do this to others, break them down.

In my opinion it is a power thing. The person must always be in control even in the smallest matters. And when they feel a loss of control they use all sorts of tactics to regain control and put the partner in their place. I am sorry you have experienced this and hope you can decide on a way out of the situation. Sophie has suggested you contact the 1800 RESPECT people who have much experience in these matters. They will be able to help you with your decision whatever it is. We can also help and support you on this forum if you wish.

Have you looked at the threads Sophie has suggested? Please do. And continue to write in here as often as you wish. We have all been hurt in some way so understand emotional pain no matter the reason for it. No judgments here.

Mary

Thank you for your message

I have actually left or I managed to get him to leave. 2 months it’s been.
The problem is that I still miss him and maybe I want him back.

Again I have a left brain right brain discussion. I know it’s not good for me. I know all of this but I doubt myself constantly.

anyway, thank you again for your kind words and encouragement, I will get there!

Hi Mary,

Thank you for your reply.

I have managed to get him to leave and have intervention order in place.
he has been out for 2 months. Like you wrote, that a lot of women take their partners back. That’s where I am at.

the feelings I have had up until know, the anger, hurt, helplessness, grief. A lot of it has been pushed down and I am stuck with this feeling that maybe I have gone a bit overboard. Maybe it’s just me being dramatic again. Maybe I should just take him back. And the kids will be happy.

I am usually rational, and I see this is not a good idea. In a way it’s the fact that he cheated or more that I found out that is keeping me from getting back with him.

Thank you for your reply,

I have spoken to 1800 respect before but will give them another ring.

Thanks for your reply. Please contact the 1800 respect as I am certain they help you with some therapy to untangle your brain.

By the way, I also struggle with this sort of dilemma. I know without a shadow of doubt that I am worthwhile and I also know, equally without a shadow of doubt that I am not worthwhile. Why do our brains work this way? I think it needs someone with a bit more knowledge to help us see what's happening and how it all works.

One thing I was very clear about to myself was that if I returned life would get worse not better. Instead of constant put-downs that may or may not work my ex would have been able to point to my return and "I told you so" and I feel I would not have had the strength to leave again.

I'm sure it was hard to ask for that intervention order but it's good you were able to do this. I hope you feel safer now.

Mary