Hi Living 57,,
What you describe sound like what my PDr said is
Mine is , when I seem to zone out, not really feeling
connected with the here & now. For
mere moments, or longer, I don’t know, until I see how much time has passed. I barely know what I was thinking. because I wasn’t
really there. I might be on the verge of thinking or recalling something when it
happens, something I don’t want to know.
My memories have had a hold of me, & I couldn't stop
them. I've had them 'replay' involving my senses to the extent I feel as if I
am re-experiencing events. There’s little I can do about it, until something intrusive
comes into my awareness & disrupts them. I haven't been able to cause an
interruption of that type for myself.
I’ve been forced to deal, working through with my PDr,
these memories, associated feelings, past & present. I guess, that's what is meant by ‘processing’
the experiences. Now, it’s not so intense. Mostly. Until I had a bad panic when
I tried wearing a mask last year, & the memories that came were as real as
Things have a way of coming out, either directly or
indirectly. I think that is what happened with the mask problem.
Sometimes, I panic, in reaction to people who have to
perform physical examinations, like when I had to get an ultrasound, which I
have to get again, soon for a different reason, & I am concerned if my PTSD
will be quiet or not. I can't predict it. I was okay, nervous, but okay with
the (another) new GP. I think she is a good GP, so far. But she wants the
tests. I wonder how I will cope
Some dissociation would be handy, when going for tests
like these, but if I did, I would be doing exactly what I did when I was a
child 'escaping' the things happening to me.
That's what dissociation is: a way of coping, dulling the
mind to the unbearable things going on.
Better if I can tell them, "I'm not coping now"
& have them listen & help me. I haven't been able to do that yet. It
feels so bad to let them continue with the exam/test when I feel panicky &
powerless, & like I want to get away, but don't manage to say a thing. I
feel locked in my own head at those times.
& again, history repeats, in that no-one seems to
notice my distress. I thought I couldn't hide my feelings anymore? But maybe I
do? Most of the time. I know no-one sees anything, because most of the time,
things are in the background, but when not, surely people see?
Maybe most people don’t look or listen.