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Forums / Relationship and family issues / Expressing Likeness for Women Results in Negative Responses

Topic: Expressing Likeness for Women Results in Negative Responses

16 posts, 0 answered
  1. adamc
    adamc avatar
    71 posts
    15 September 2021

    Let me fully explain myself. I have never been considered good looking and over the years, whenever I have expressed a friendly liking for someone, they always respond like I make them weak to the stomach.

    In High School, I opened my heart to a girl thinking she liked me only for her to tell her friends everything I said.

    Another girl, when we worked as office monitors for the day, she asked me who in our class I liked and when I pointed at her, she responded with "Eewww!!"

    Another girl who i thought was the prettiest girl in the whole school, I wrote a letter expressing my liking for her, she responded by making prank calls to my home.

    When I gave Xmas cards to some female shop assistants in JB Hi-Fi who were always friendly and cheerful to me, they left about a week later.

    A couple of Chinese women I was talking to online a couple of years who I expressed a liking for, turned out be only interested in how much money I'd spend on them.

    My Dad had a lovely and friendly podiatrist who quite often fell down ill. I gave her a "Get Well Soon" card with a little message saying how nice she is and if I ever needed to see a podiatrist, I'd love to be treated by her. Dad never saw her again.

    And now, recently I joined eHarmony as a small part of me would like to end up with a nice woman while the other half wanted to see who would express an interest in me. I send smiles and ice-breakers to show my interest and they instantly delete their profiles.

    I just can't understand why.

  2. Petal22
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    15 September 2021 in reply to adamc

    Hi adamc,

    I believe those people just weren’t the right people for you…., one day you will meet the right person and they will love you fiercely….

    You sound like such a wonderful caring person the right person is out there 😊 Don’t give up ..

    1 person found this helpful
  3. white knight
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    white knight avatar
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    15 September 2021 in reply to adamc

    Hi Adamc

    Welcome,

    Agree with Petal, never give up. That might sound easy but in time you can improve your confidence by a number of methods-

    • Attending motivational speeches
    • Talking to yourself giving yourself praise
    • Staying away from the people that will hurt you.

    At a young age we are middling among people that are immature and bully others. Rather than trying to get close to girls in a sort of romantic way, better to become friends with them, friends enough that you end up messaging each other each day or two. Eventually you will grow some trust and that has been what has been missing up till now. These newer closer friendships might drift away, (eg they might get boyfriends) but then they might break up with the guy and ring you to discuss what happened and your friendship blossoms again. Soon you'll have many girls that will be just friends and one day it could happen- that one of them admires that friendship and begins to like you for it. Anything could happen then. My best friend for 25 years while we were both married was a female. Then we both were divorced and we dated and she has been my wife for 10 years. The best romantic relationship is one where you are best friends believe me.

    Putting messages in writing isnt a good idea because it can be spread around. As a rule I always try to talk to others via phone. First I message them "can I phone you now or soon"? Then you know they will be alone and free to talk. Keep such chats fairly brief say 20 minutes but sign off by saying "I really enjoy us talking and if you have any problems or just want to talk I'm here for you ok?" One day one will ring and tell you of a problem they have and you can support them, that will mean a lot to them and the friendship gets stronger.

    There is a saying "keep you cards close to your chest". Meaning, you dont have to reveal your feelings. When asked "who do you like" as one girl asked, you can be evasive "well I'd rather not say because, well, she might not like me". Try to get the girl to say "I like you" first. Anbother answer could be "well there is a couple of girls that I like but none of them give me any indication they like me so I wont take it further" Then she might say "well I like you a little bit"...then you know it is SAFE to take it a little further. Remember slow bird gets the worm - another saying.

    Good luck and remember- it isnt you, its the people around you, their age and immaturity.

    TonyWK

    2 people found this helpful
  4. adamc
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    71 posts
    15 September 2021 in reply to white knight
    Thanks.
    1 person found this helpful
  5. jaz28
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    15 September 2021 in reply to adamc

    Hi adamc,

    You sound like a great person who is just seeking what we all want - love and friendship.

    I don't know why you have had these experiences - but I can suggest to never give up and that one day someone will come along who loves you for you. Don't waste your energy on those who don't.

    Jaz.

  6. adamc
    adamc avatar
    71 posts
    15 September 2021 in reply to jaz28

    The problem is, when I express a liking for a girl (at school) or a woman, they react with "YUCK!!" When they've expressed a liking for me, I think "Nice" only to find out they're just having fun.

    There was a girl I like back in Year 7 with nice red hair and there were a few times where she asked if I would me keeping her company in another room while she did theory; it was Tech Studies class. I said "OK".

    We went into another room and ended up writing notes to each other where I opened my heart to her and when it got to the point where I thought she really liked me, I turned her head toward mine and kissed her. At the end of the class, she back into the class room, went up to her friends and told them everything I wrote down.

    I also called her home wanting to talk to her and when she found out, next day at school she said "Why did you do that? I don't like you."

    Also, can't tell you how many times I got a group of girls come up to me and say:

    GIRL 1: Excuse me, but my friend here likes you.

    GIRL 2: No I don't.

  7. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    5585 posts
    15 September 2021 in reply to adamc

    hello adamc.

    I am aware of the impact of negative statements can have on us. Secondly when those statements are made often enough it is easy enough to believe in them.

    For example, I was never smart enough, or try hard enough. Both those statements are false. Even though I am much older now and I can logical argue that is not the case, there is the little bit inside of me that tell me "see, I am right".

    So when you allude to the thoughts of not being likeable... they are thoughts, based on your experiences and do not define you. I would go so far as to say it says more about the other person who did that stuff to you.

    tell me, are you in school? uni? working? what are some of your interests? hobbies?

  8. Juliet_84
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    15 September 2021 in reply to adamc

    Hi Adam,

    I’m so sorry to hear that this has happened to you. It must have been incredibly painful to open up and put yourself out there to be shot down in such a hurtful way. Looks may be one aspect of the equation, but personality, the ability to make someone laugh, kindness, reliability, considerate, these are all the things that make a great partner. Looks fade as they say. But I think in this instance you may be expressing your interest too soon, before they have had a chance to develop a proper connection with you. I don’t even think you need to express your interest straight away, take some time getting to know people and establish a friendship or rapport and then ask them if they want to go for a coffee sometime. That way you are making them feel less awkward or on the spot, it sounds to me as though they were a bit shocked and I think that was the reason, it was perhaps a bit too forward and made them feel uncomfortable. And if you ask if they’d like to go for a coffee you then provide them with an option if they aren’t interested. Women get asked out a lot so we’re just used to having to say no a lot, but if someone actually takes the time to get to know us, it makes us feel less like this is just some guy who’s trying his luck and asking out everyone. That’s my perspective anyway

  9. adamc
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    71 posts
    16 September 2021 in reply to smallwolf

    smallwolf, thanks for your kind comments.

    In answer to your questions, I'm not at school or doing studying of any kind. I don't work as never really knew what I wanted to do and plus my parents have never provided or given me any support or encouragement to pursue my interests.

    I love using my imagination to come up with story ideas for fantasy-genre tales and reciting dialogue from movies and mimicking the characters voices.

  10. Sleepy21
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    16 September 2021 in reply to adamc

    hi adam c, u dont have to answer but would it be fair to say you're a young person, and looking for a girlfriend?
    In the high school I went to , kids were bullied for being different at all, ppl used racial slurs, fat-shamed, slut-shamed and many other horrible things. Kids can be cruel.

    It can take a lifetime to heal from those wounds, but it is possible, and i think if you have confidence and love for yourself, the hurtful words can be more easily "tossed aside" - but if you believe them to be true, it can help to work on ur own self-esteem.

    Re sending a card to the podiatrist, tbh that's a little inappropriate, professinals shouldn't be sent personal cards saying that you like them in any way.

    There may be ways to approach ppl that are safer and dont put them on the spot as much. Maybe just saying hi and asking someone how thy're going, before delcaring interest, might help.

    I agree with Tony, its great to be kind and welcoming to women you are interested in, but it can be wise not to wear your heart on your sleeve, which can feel pressuring to women and also put you in a vulnerable position - they may not be worthy of your love and attention, and may use it against you.

    YOu didn't deserve to be bullied and shunned and its not your fault. I hope u find the right girl soon.

  11. adamc
    adamc avatar
    71 posts
    16 September 2021 in reply to Sleepy21

    Hi. I'm 38-years old.

    With the card to the Podiatrist, it was simply a "Get Well Soon" card.

    With the eHarmony site, I created a profile and if you find someone interesting, you can either give them a smile or compliment their photo. Since I created my profile earlier in the week, women have only viewed it and that's all. Six women that I sent smiles to simply left a message saying "Goodbye". I emailed the site asking what it meant and they said it means they've cancelled all further contact.

    With girls/women that seemed interested in me over the years, it seems it was always either for fun or to see how much money I'd spend on them.

  12. Sleepy21
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    16 September 2021

    That's okay, just in the context, were the cards attempts to date? It just seemed like u were disappointed by the response, in a way that sounded romantic or like u felt rejected.

    I've given cards to workers before but there was no expectation, just that they'd enjoy it.

    Dating apps are a pretty cruel space, I totally agree. I'm too scared to use them at all. Have you ever had a female friend? It sounds like u go between putting women on a dedestal for being pretty to feeling they are duplicitous. Women are just ppl, moody, insecure, Kind, pretty , unpretty, insecure, happy and sad. Some are nice some not so much. Hope there's someone sweet in Ur life soon.

  13. tranzcrybe
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    17 September 2021 in reply to adamc
    Right now, you are selling yourself short - wanting too much to be liked, and grabbing any morsels of attention as if its the beginnings of something wonderful.
    In this sense, you are overlaying perception of something that may not (or never had been) there - building your house from the roof down, so to speak. A relationship will rarely sprout merely from what someone says or gleans from appearances, and clearly you have been traumatised during your formative years to make you question yourself and the motives of others.
    I feel you would benefit from taking a more objective approach to read between the lines and assess people's qualities on a deeper, and less personally oriented level.
    The same also applies to you, where your sense of self is very much premised on how others see you. Many of your experiences may have had no correlation to what followed, with the emotional distress/feelings of rejection arising solely from the reasons stated above.
    Unfortunately, life rarely mimics the movies, and sometimes the plot can be far too complex to follow. But of all the people who pass you by, there will still be opportunity with no rhyme or reason if you can keep an open mind and enjoy people for who they are in their own right - independently of whether they even like you or not.
  14. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    5585 posts
    18 September 2021 in reply to adamc

    Hello. Without knowing the context of what happened before the smilies.... While I have not used any of those services before if you have limited space to describe yourself and images there is perhaps little to get a good idea of what the other person is like.

    Secondly, not all relationships happen like we might see on tv. Some require growth. Some require persistence. When the other person says goodbye you don't really know what sort of mood they are in.

    At the same time it is easy to think there is something wrong with us

  15. Sleepy21
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    18 September 2021 in reply to adamc

    A lot of ppl gets rejected or hurt a lot in high school

    Bullying is rampant. It does affect us in later years, but it is important not to stereotype a whole gender

    Ie women only care about money, or are mean to ppl they don't find attractive

    Who knows what happened to those women to leave the dating sight...

    I Read once about an 3xcercise to help ppl overcome resentment

    If u don't know the reason someone did something and assume the worst..., u could write Ur own story for why, make it up

    Eg imagine that woman's partner left her that morning, she was so upset she joined a dating site to feel better and see if she was ready to date.....then she closed down the app , deciding she wasn't ready ....

  16. JulieS101
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    7 posts
    23 September 2021 in reply to adamc

    Hey, I am so sorry that you are going through this. You sound like a great guy who deserves a great girl. I am saying this in the nicest way possible to give you some potential perspective however i don’t know your situation , you could quite simply be dealing with horrible girls. As a woman when a man comes of even slightly creepy i block him or stop talking. I am not saying you have bad intentions but maybe the women you interact with see you in that manner. For the podiatrist situation i can see where she is coming from, what you did was sweet and obviously came from a good place, however she may have had experience with stalkers and what not and may have taken it like that. In a world where we are constantly in danger women need to be hyper vigilant and if anyone even slightly creeps us out we usually distance ourselves. Maybe if you have any platonic female friends ask them what red flags they see in some guys and try to reflect on that in regards to your interactions with women. once again i am not saying you are a creep or anything jusy good for thought

    1 person found this helpful

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