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Topic: Is this wrong?

  1. puzzlegirl
    puzzlegirl avatar
    32 posts
    17 September 2021
    Hello, and apologies for the crass-ness of this post. I am in the middle of a marriage that is completely disintegrated. He doesn't love me, doesn't want me. Recently told me he doesn't want to have sex with me. Then the next day tells me he doesn't think it's wrong for another girl to give him oral sex, and vice versa. We have always been monogamous, and he has said that sex is the line that crosses into an affair. Mind you, the relationship he has had with a woman these last 4 years I already consider an affair. Now with this new relaxed morality I've heard from him, I am questioning whether these two have already crossed that line? I certainly feel that there is nothing sacred left in my marriage, and this makes me feel even more like dirt. Do you think he's crossed the line? Or am I being super moral and should I lower my standards also? He also encouraged me to go out and find a man to give oral sex to. It just makes me feel worthless. I'm just not sure if my view is clouded by my hurts. Thanks for your input.
  2. Miz
    Community Champion
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    Miz avatar
    36 posts
    18 September 2021 in reply to puzzlegirl

    Hi Puzzlegirl,

    Thanks for posting - it sounds like you've been going through a bit of a tough time! To me, this sounds like your husband no longer respects you or your marriage. If you have previously had a loving, monogamous marriage then being with someone else is definitely crossing a line and breaking the marriage. I think he maybe thinks this is now okay and is encouraging you to do the same thing so it doesn't make him look like a bad person. You should not feel pressured into having an affair to even the playing field - he is showing you very little respect by demanding that of you. I think you should think about your boundaries and what you need to feel confident and respected, if your husband is making you feel worthless that is not a good sign.

    Here if you want to talk more.

    Help is always around.

    2 people found this helpful
  3. Ggrand
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    8923 posts
    18 September 2021 in reply to puzzlegirl

    Hello Dear puzzlegirl...

    I am not sure how to reply to you..so I’ll share a bit of my story..with my late husband..

    Ill call him J..He wanted the same as you’re husband does...except he wanted me more then anything else to go out and have sex with other men...I refused....So he started looking for a women to have an affair with...without success...This went on for many many years...He used to bring men home to me...I would lock myself in the bathroom for hours at a time until these men left..then I would pay the consequences when I came out of the room I locked myself into...l

    J then started to drop me off at the beach, with no money to get home...just so I could “pick up” someone...he even dropped me off at those adult video shops and left me there...many times I would sleep under the stars until he picked me up the next day....

    Why did I stay...I had nowhere to go...I was terrified of him...plus back then their wasn’t very many shelters for woman....dv wasn’t a big thing...I made my bed my mum said..so I need to sleep in it...this continued until he passed from cancer 8 years ago....and it’s had a terrible impact on my mental health...because I felt like dirt, unworthy of respect...even though I did nothing with other men....It still all haunts me today...To J sex wasn’t sacred...after J stopped working..he said to me..”What else is their in life except having fun with sex”....and he said I was ugly and boring...

    Why I’m sharing my story..is that.what your husband is saying he wants to do and wants you to do...is showing you he has no respect for you at all....he is only thinking of himself and his needs....Plus in time your husband might want you to do more then he is asking you now...I’m a little concerned that he might also bring men home to you...so please, please do not lower your values or standards for anyone...

    puzzlegirl...You are a beautiful person and it sounds like your husband is trying to manipulate you...No one can tell you what to do..it has to be you to decide...It’s your body and no one has a right to force you to do things you don’t want to do....

    Most important thing to do lovely puzzlegirl...is to look after you...you are important...you need to do what you feel is best for you...not your husband in this circumstance...

    Stay true to yourself....

    My kindest and most caring thoughts lovely lady...

    Grandy....please take care of you puzzlegirl...

    3 people found this helpful
  4. puzzlegirl
    puzzlegirl avatar
    32 posts
    18 September 2021 in reply to Ggrand
    You are both spot on- he certainly doesn't respect me or our marriage. This is obvious in him frequently talking about me as his obligation, and spending time with me is just 'doing what he has to do'. He also often comments about how marriage is a trap, and recently has made remarks asking if some man I mention (like my physio, or colleague who is 20 years older than me) is my 'boyfriend'. My answer is 'no, I'm married, I'm not gonna cheat'. But I can't help but wonder if he provoking this to satisfy his own guilt at having a 'girlfriend' that he refuses to acknowledge as such (though there are clear signs- always out with her, affectionate with her, she is his No. 1 priority). He is mostly low-key rude to me, and if he is kind it is out of obligation. I seriously want to just bust him and her crossing the line, so I have justification for 'why' I feel so shit. Then perhaps it'd make me feel less like I'm worthless, and more like he is the scumbag who couldn't bother respecting his wife of nearly 20 years. It would also make me feel less crazy-I just want peace in my mind. Thanks for your comments.
  5. WaterFront
    WaterFront avatar
    57 posts
    18 September 2021 in reply to puzzlegirl

    Hi puzzlegirl,

    I am sorry to say that yes, I think he has crossed the line. It sounds like he is just trying to find a way to justify his behaviour so that he doesn't have to be the person doing the wrong thing in the situation. (whether the oral sex has occurred or not). I would say that's also why he is encouraging you to do it too. I am so sorry to hear that you are being treated in this way and wonder if you should think about whether you should be allowing him to do so. Of course, that's for you to decide as you are the one in the situation. If someone isn't valuing you, is doing and saying treacherous things and making you question your own sense of worth, it might be time to reconsider the relationship. I know the idea of that is extremely hard and difficult.

    WaterFront

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Petal22
    Community Champion
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    Petal22 avatar
    1127 posts
    18 September 2021 in reply to puzzlegirl

    Hi puzzle girl,

    Sorry to hear this….

    This is absolutely disgusting that he would think that having oral sex is ok with another person out side of his marriage…….. how disrespectful! And for him to tell you to go out and find a man to do this with is horrible…..

    If he has told you he doesn’t love you then puzzle girl I think you deserve a lot better! And you can definitely meet a man who will value you …..

    Know your self and love your self……… you really don’t have to live this life with him…. You can do so much better!

    Here to chat

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Petal22
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    Petal22 avatar
    1127 posts
    18 September 2021 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi Ggrand,

    Sorry to hear you went through this…..

    You are such a beautiful person and I think you deserve the best in life…

    Have a nice day ❤️

    1 person found this helpful
  8. puzzlegirl
    puzzlegirl avatar
    32 posts
    23 September 2021
    So, I thought I'd post an update. Husband has since apologised without my prompting for saying such a hurtful thing. He has since also told me that he has a plan in motion that will see us slowly separating over the next few years. It is official- he is well and truly done with me and though I forgive him for the horrible thing he said about the oral sex, I just think it's an indicator that he actually is looking forward to something/one new and exciting. I am numb. I am finding this new information difficult to process- only a few days ago I thought there was a small glimmer of hope that things could be reconciled, but once he makes a decision he sticks with it. So, out I go. Any tips on how to navigate divorce over a few years while still living together would be great. Because right now it's just freaking awkward.
  9. Harlow88
    Harlow88 avatar
    11 posts
    27 September 2021 in reply to puzzlegirl

    Hi Puzzlegirl,

    it’s my first day here and I had to respond to this.
    Your husband sounds like he doesn’t deserve you at all. It may not seem like it now but this is a blessing.
    You are way too important and special and loving to put up with his immaturity.
    he sounds dodgy as hell.
    you deserve better. And now you can love your life the way you want to and that’s a wonderful thing that in time, you’ll believe too.
    I hope in the last few days you’re feeling better and doing ok.
    sending much love xx

  10. Dadmeister
    Dadmeister avatar
    30 posts
    28 September 2021
    Hi Puzzlegirl, what I see here is a different moral code for each of you. Unless you are both consensual to the same code then it will be very hard to move over. For example I am an old school guy, only ever been with the one girl my whole life since we started dating in 1989. Over the past few years wife has struggled with the fact that she has only ever been with me and started an emotional affair with another man. I do not believe this has turned physical but it took over our life and his marriage has ended as a result and my wife has not spoeken to me for nearly a year when i called her out on it. She would often would pass comments about what is wrong with dating others, what is wrong with threesomes etc. I said it is not for me to judge others but i am only interested in her and my marriage is monogamous and exclusive. My wife admitted her code has changed as she reached menopause but she cant understand why I dont go along with the change. The marriage counsellor agreed with her and said that many women approaching 50 feel they have missed out an want to be free spirits. This is a hard dilemma and took me to a very dark place where I questioned my own existence, but after a heap of therapy I have found joy in myself and with my 3 daughters. My wife and I are living separated under the one roof and i still love her and my anger is gone however she still maintains regular contact with the other guy including packaging and delivering meals to him since his separation. I know that this cant go on forever but for now I know that I am a great father and for the first time in my life am putting myself first. Puzzlegirl learn to love yourself again. I cant stress that enough.
  11. Dadmeister
    Dadmeister avatar
    30 posts
    28 September 2021 in reply to Petal22
    Petal22, I could not agree more. No one should be forced to change their moral compass. Although not religious, I took our church wedding vows very seriously and have loved and honoured my wife through nearly 27 years of marriage. My compass has not deviated while hers has. Puzzlegirl needs to reconnect with herself in order to think clearly about her future path.
  12. Sleepy21
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    Sleepy21 avatar
    4086 posts
    28 September 2021

    Hi puzzle girl,

    I wander if u had more support and validation if it would be easier to separate and even clear roommfor u to find a more fulfilling relationship.

    I was in a very unhealthy situation, not like urs exactly but I was definitely scared to leave and putting myself in a situation that hurt me, it's hard to leave, confusing, and hard to know what's true or real after a while, from my experience. Finding professionals who believed me was a huge aha moment. Be it a dv counsellor at casa , 1800 respect, Lifeline, or someone at the triage or a woman's centre, I thin it makes a difference to have someone believe Ur account of what's happening.

    of course oral sex is cheating!

    Why should u stay faithful to someone who doesn't value Ur loyalty or Loyalty at all.

    I think suggesting u find someone else is very mean. It shows he thinks Ur marriage isn't important and would be happy to jeopardise it. I wander also if he has made preparations for separation ? I hope u are OK.

  13. puzzlegirl
    puzzlegirl avatar
    32 posts
    28 September 2021

    Big thanks to Harlow88, Dadmeister, Petal22, and Sleepy 21 for your recent replies.

    Dadmeister, I'm sorry to hear of your situation- it feels like a betrayal, doesn't it? I feel like for 22 years I have known this person, and suddenly they are a stranger to me. He is wanting to take our marriage places that I am uncomfortable with, and that hurts because I thought he was supposed to care for me and protect me. Instead, he is the one inflicting hurt. Perhaps he was always like this, and that makes me feel stupid for not seeing it earlier, and for wasting so much of my life with him.

    Which brings me to your comment Harlow88- that this is a blessing. I am almost ashamed to admit it, but there is a part of me that is relieved that we are at this point of discovery. Perhaps it is a blessing. I cannot walk this road with him anymore, not without significant hurt to myself/my moral 'code'. I feel it, I almost begin to dream of the future and the possibilities where I can be loved for who I am, and then I find myself on the floor crying because I am grieving so hard.

    And, Dadmeister. You mention your wife had an emotional affair. I 100% believe that this is what my husband is doing. It started 18 months ago, I jerked back hard on it, we fought, and he decided our marriage was over (though took 12 months to tell me so- in that time I thought we were 'working through' stuff). It guts me that he would choose this direction, it almost feels like he is throwing away everything we have built together. I guess he is. And, I guess it's his choice. The bottom line is that he has found someone he loves, and it isn't me. That hurts so profoundly.

    And Sleepy21, yes, he already decided 12 months ago to separate. But only just recently told me. To him, it's over. To me, I am shell shocked and devastated. I have been fighting hard for our marriage, but it's only now that I have given up hope, and no longer put in the effort. I unwanted, unloved by him, and that just is what it is. It's hard though, because with the knowledge that we are over, what is my motivator to keep doing anything for/with him? I guess loyalty, being a decent person. But ironing his clothes makes me feel like I am hugging an enemy. Having sex? Yeah, let's not go there.

    I appreciate everyone who has reminded me that I exist, that I am worthy. I can see how easy it is to get swallowed up by the pain. I feel used. I feel like I've lost 22 years of my life. I feel it's unfair. Maybe one day I'll be loved..

  14. Dadmeister
    Dadmeister avatar
    30 posts
    29 September 2021
    Wow Puzzle Girl what an amazing response. Believe me your response has made me and probably others feel validated. Long term you need to change the mindset of 22 years wasted. Hopefully it wasnt all bad and I am sure there are positives you can look back on. Despite my wife not talking to me for a year now I still look back on all the good times and the 3 beautiful daughters we made. Part of me is so scared to move on despite living in a loveless situation, yet when that day comes I feel prepared. I found that during this I didnt need many friends just a few solid ones whom i could confide with and still maintained respect for me and my wife.
  15. puzzlegirl
    puzzlegirl avatar
    32 posts
    29 September 2021 in reply to Dadmeister
    Thanks Dadmeister. It’s therapeutic as well as painful to acknowledge the truth with written words. To hear yours and others stories also brings validation- I’m not alone.
    You are right- it’s not all been bad. In fact, it’s mostly been good. Or so I thought. He tells me that he has been unhappy for so long, and is immensely relieved and excited that things are ending. I love your strength to acknowledge the good- that’s inspiring. About moving on, some moments I just want out, others I’m wishing I could wake up tomorrow and it was all a bad dream. Mostly, I just want out of the pain of it. I still want the marriage. Curious, what is it that scares you about moving on? And friends… I want to withdraw from everyone. I was friends with the woman he’s in love with but since the confirmation of divorce I’ve decided to close that off. Not rudely, but with a clear boundary because she is the catalyst for this issue. I think the breakdown was inevitable but until I can separate myself from the blame I am assigning to her I think it’s the kinder thing to pull back. At present because of how our life is structured, I’m unable to tell a soul- I guess that’s why I reached out to BB. I’ve been pleasantly surprised at the immense support.
  16. Dadmeister
    Dadmeister avatar
    30 posts
    30 September 2021 in reply to puzzlegirl
    Wow, I can't believe you havent opened up to anyone, Part of me is concerned for you and part of me thinks what a strong person to deal with this on your own. I made the mistake of opening up to too many people and then realised that some people take delight in someone else's misery. However the true friends were impartial and looked at both sides of the issue and did not try and tell me what to do, they were just there to validate and keep me sane. When you ask why I'm scared to move on. Well there are lots of reasons including that I have only been with one girl my whole life, my wife hasnt worked in 20 years so i am concerned about how she will be able to manage and I cant bear to be the one to walk out and away from my kids when I was not the one who had the affair. The other point you raised is that the guy she had the affair with was also a "friend" and I guess I just turned a blind eye as I wanted her happy.
  17. puzzlegirl
    puzzlegirl avatar
    32 posts
    30 September 2021 in reply to Dadmeister

    Wow at you too Dadmeister. I love that underneath it all, you still have a genuine love and care for her- that is a strong and generous person. But you also need to know that your needs and desires are also important. I saw a quote yesterday- 'Change is hard. Growth is hard. But nothing is harder than staying stuck somewhere you don't belong'. Perhaps we both need to hear this. Ouch.

    I haven't opened up to anyone mostly because it would set in motion a chain of events that we are not yet ready for. But a large part too is that I am the typical 'helper' type (it's actually my job) who looks after everyone else's stuff. I'm not good at being vulnerable, put simply. I'll admit that some days I'm not ok on my own, but then I rally the next day. I guess it's just a series of strong and weak moments, which I think is all part and parcel of this messed up grieving process. One day I will get a full circle of support, but for now I just need to weed through the emotions piece by piece at my own pace.

    Ah, the 'friend'. I truly wanted to believe that that's all the relationship is, but it's clearly not. I am certainly the 'third wheel' now, and feel like I've been chewed up and spat out in preference of the next best thing. Yes, it's hurt my self esteem (understatement). He keeps trying to conjure up what my next man might look like/be like, but it just shreds my heart- I cannot conceive of another man when I'm not done grieving this one.

    I hope you find the courage to put yourself first and find someone who values you for you.

  18. Dadmeister
    Dadmeister avatar
    30 posts
    1 October 2021 in reply to puzzlegirl
    Puzzlegirl, hopping onto this forum every now and then gives me inspiration, I try and be mindful that I am not hijacking someone else's post because I think I tend to do that, but I honestly get so much in return from these conversations. I understand the "Staying stuck where you don't belong" theory but honestly as much as I am someone that has craved affection in the past, I have learned that by loving myself and giving to others that I can still be happy. I dedicate my time to my children, one of which has been struggling with a mental illness for a few years now, I have reignited my friendships with mates and I try and constantly talk to them about their own mental health and assist them where possible and of course I take time out for myself be it discovering the outdoors with mates or just walking alone every day. I have started to really appreciate the smaller stuff in life that use to pass me by like nature. Starting another relationship is the furthest thing from my mind and I am content helping myself and others. Thanks again so much for sharing and I hope that the right answers will come to you.
  19. puzzlegirl
    puzzlegirl avatar
    32 posts
    1 October 2021 in reply to Dadmeister
    I like this, it sounds like you have discovered a measure of peace, and carved out for yourself a new path that seems mostly fulfilling. Honestly, once this is all over for me, I am not sure I'll ever have another relationship- it is also the furthest thing from my mind. Perhaps like you, I too will grow beyond the pain of all of this. Right now, it's too fresh and painful. And I guess you have given the key to all of that- loving yourself. Not there yet, a very long way off. I am content to give to others, I wouldn't know what to do if I couldn't, but I have a constant disdain for myself (perhaps feeling like a failure in this marriage...). Don't know. But it's inspiring to see someone further along this journey than myself and it gives me some hope. Thanks.
    1 person found this helpful
  20. Dadmeister
    Dadmeister avatar
    30 posts
    5 October 2021
    Hi Puzzlegirl, just a simple check in to see if you are holding up O.K.? What you are going through is incredibly hard and it is natural to doubt yourself every step of the way. I am also trying to navigate through a separation while living under the same roof and the future scares me. What I have noticed though is that as hard as it is for me it is even harder for my wife. She is torn between the new exciting guy and boring stable old me. All her friends and family seem to side with me and I have told them not to. I have asked them to support her and to respect her through this. So while you need to look after yourself, i also hope that your husband finds his way, whatever that may be.
  21. puzzlegirl
    puzzlegirl avatar
    32 posts
    5 October 2021 in reply to Dadmeister

    Thanks for the check in. Life is really awkward and strange really. There are moments where life feels 'normal' again- talking and sharing a coffee, then the next minute he will remind me of all of the reasons why we shouldn't be together, why he just doesn't like having conversation with me. Hugging in bed, then he will remind me how much he just doesn't want me and that he wants me to move out of the bedroom. It's a pendulum swing, and it's making me dizzy. I see that he is conflicted- we have shared more than half our life together, and I am certain he has his moments where he feels like a jerk. He says he feels sorry for me- but I don't want his pity. If he can't love me as his wife, then I want nothing. But at the same time, I don't really want NOTHING, I want my husband to be my husband. I don't want to start over, like you, the prospect scares me. I think to sum it up, I am just feeling really confused right now. Confused because there is no future, because the next steps are only going to hurt, and at the bottom of all of it I feel like this whole thing isn't fair. I'm ok. I guess it's just a day at a time thing, because I've lost the confidence I had in our relationship, I guess because there isn't one anymore. So every day needs to be taken on it's now merit- with the hurt and grief and the good times too. Sorry, I think this was a bit of a ramble. Appreciate the check in very much. Right now, the BB community is my only space for verbalising my feelings. Thanks.

  22. puzzlegirl
    puzzlegirl avatar
    32 posts
    9 October 2021
    Hello BB friends. I'm hopeful for some more advice... Husband recently told me that he is reconsidering divorce, but the description he gave boils down to him simply feeling pity for me at the moment. I'm not sure that's a reasonable reason to backtrack on such an enormous decision. I'd prefer not to have his pity. Further to that, there are some things that he and his 'friend' are more and more becoming a united front against me about. For example, I really don't like her, and so I am pretty non-committal around her. I'm not rude to her, but she also doesn't have a place in my life. She's kind of a 'nothing' to me. Well, she complained about this to my husband, feeling that I am unpleasant. He's totally sided with her. I have no forum within which I can express my feeling, and have been told to 'man up' and pretty much just be happy all of the time. How can I be? I am broken hearted. Now, sure, I could admit that 'maybe' she's got a point- but she's just destroyed my marriage, so, you know? We don't have to be buddies. I tolerate her at best. But what's got me is that my husband would totally throw away ALL compassion for me, I guess it feels like he's abandoned me and I don't have anyone to fight for me anymore (that used to be him). So I am feeling very alone and abandoned. Add to that, I have no space to have any feelings, just gotta plaster on a fake smile and pretend everything is ok. Gah! Am I over-reacting to this? Do I just need to man up and forget how much it all hurts right now? Thanks so much.
  23. WaterFront
    WaterFront avatar
    57 posts
    9 October 2021 in reply to puzzlegirl

    Hi puzzlegirl,

    I think you are absolutely not over-reacting. How could your husband and his 'friend' possible expect you to be friendly and happy under the circumstances. I applaud the fact that you are even able to tolerate her. It shows strength of character. I understand people have complicated relationships and maybe I'm simplistic in my ideas but I think the level of insensitivity they are displaying is staggering. It might be time to push back and set some of your own boundaries and expectations in relation to how things should be dealt with. You have a right to have your feelings and should be allowed to express them, they are yours.

    WaterFront

    1 person found this helpful
  24. geoff
    Life Member
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    15083 posts
    9 October 2021 in reply to puzzlegirl

    Hello Puzzlegirl, I have read all the many excellent replies sent back to you and am truly sorry that your husband believes this can happen, and because of this your marriage can't survive, your husband can't expect that he can have this type of affair and for the two of you to live under the same roof, the trust has been broken.

    Sometimes the belief of our spouse, on this occasion, breaks the marriage vows in every possible way, and even if he stopped, he can never be trusted again, because every time he looks at another person, the doubt would come into effect, as disappointed as you are.

    I can't tell you what to do, but I can suggest that he should be told to leave and live elsewhere, as much as this hurts you, as there are so many other factors involved here.

    It certainly is heart breaking and you have all my sympathy.

    Geoff.

    3 people found this helpful
  25. puzzlegirl
    puzzlegirl avatar
    32 posts
    9 October 2021 in reply to geoff

    Thanks Geoff and waterfront.
    geoff, your thoughts on the ‘belief of the spouse’- wow! It is THIS that has broken our marriage vows. Because of her, he has become a brand new man, of her making. There’s no coming back from this. After 20 years, I have become his nothing, and she has become his everything. I can’t turn the tide on that. And the more he sides with her, disrespects me, and demonstrates he is done with me, the more I just need to let him go. ‘Be warm and well fed, and enjoy her bed’. Sounds simple. I just guess I need to work through that ‘gap’ where I know what needs to happen practically, and navigate the hurt as it comes. Thanks waterfront, I have been feeling crazy like I’m not entitled to my feelings, I just guess I need to learn to express them respectfully otherwise I’m as bad as they are.

    I look forward to waking up one day and NOT feeling like I’m stepping into a nightmare- every day it’s heavy on me. Maybe this is my biggest indicator that this is well and truly over, despite his ‘maybe we’re not’ approach.

    Thanks so much.

  26. Sleepy21
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    10 October 2021 in reply to puzzlegirl

    Hi puzzle girl,

    It sounds to me like u are interested or open to saving the marriage, and this might be used against you.

    If you were kind to your husbands special friend, that would be really weird. U owe her nothing.

  27. Sleepy21
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    10 October 2021 in reply to puzzlegirl
    Hi puzzlegirl, just reread from the beginning. I think anything Ur husband is saying urgently is not necessarily because of you, or her, or anything. It sounds like he's admitted he's wanted to do something awful to jeopardise Ur relationship over a year ago. Take him at his word on this. He ,as say later that he warned you and told you. Sometimes we want to look away in the hope that our guess or wrost fear may not be true, but when someone makes such a statement, I think they are letting us know who they are. What could your life look like if u left? Where would u live? Who would support t you as friends or a good support system? I think that could be a helpful focus for you now, to prepare to make sure you are safe and OK, if he tries to leave abruptly.
  28. puzzlegirl
    puzzlegirl avatar
    32 posts
    10 October 2021 in reply to Sleepy21
    Oooh so much truth here. You are right, and I think I have been coming to a slow realisation that my husband is this person. I've been blindsided by it, I have known him for almost half my life (22 years). I so much want him to be the person I once knew, or perhaps even the person I blindly still think (or wish?!) he was. But he is this person. He is a stranger to me- no longer intimate with me, but intimate with another woman. That is a freaking big pill to swallow. And I guess I can't change this new person he has become- someone else has already beat me to that. He likes who he is, he likes what he likes, and none of those things include me anymore. It's all about her. Honestly, I do hope that he finds happiness, it sucks to be the one constantly told that I'm the reason he is unhappy. Why not wish another person well? I'm almost at the place where I wish him well with my blessing, because it would also mean freedom from the difficulties experienced by staying with him. Where would I be if we split? A happier person!! I'd be free. I'd be immeasurably heartbroken, but perhaps that's better than living with this toxicity. Still, it is too overwhelming to think about. I still wish I could wake up tomorrow and know that this was all a nightmare and that it's over and that we are back to the good that we once were.
    1 person found this helpful
  29. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    quirkywords avatar
    11928 posts
    10 October 2021 in reply to puzzlegirl

    PUzzlegirl

    I have just read all the posts and all the supportive replies. You have been honest and open in sharing the details of your marriage.

    The only thing I have learnt and that you mentioned too is that you cant change other people you can only change yourself. I was in a relationship once where I changed so much to hopefully see my partner react differently . In the end I became a person I didnt like, always excusing his behaviour .

    It is overwhelming and I have deep respect for you and am sorry fo what you have to go through.

    Only you will know what you want to do and what is best.

    Please be kind to yourself.

    2 people found this helpful
  30. Dadmeister
    Dadmeister avatar
    30 posts
    12 October 2021
    Hey Puzzlegirl, As previously mentioned my situation is pretty much a replica of yours. Its none of my business whether you have kids or not, but I decided to remain calm as possible through my wife's affair as we have 3 amazing daughers together who still need both our love and support. For now since this all unfolded we still live under the same roof and she still sees her new man but when at home we play happy families for the sake of the kids. Over time we will do our best to work out an amicable separation but front of mind is the fact that we will be tied together for the rest of our lives because of our daughters. I am in no rush to rebound or start a relationship so I am happy just being present for my girls and being the best father possible. I really hope you have something in your life whether its children, friends, hobbies, studies etc that can keep you grounded during your upcoming challenges.

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