Hiya cm , and thanks very much for that.

I'm really sorry about your situation , the reasons and things happening might be totally different l know but some how unfortunately the outcomes are looking pretty similar to ours. And your right , it's not bc of me or us that she's going this way , it's the outcome that will control it all and that she's just scared shytless now of and all negative about , that she feels has all the control of our destiny and hers. Added to the way she's living up there and all the legals and pressures flooding in , perfect storm mentally sadly.

l wish she could remember or see things we've talked about and planned, things l found and mentioned up there before. lt was a good plan that we had and def' the best solution . ironically though the very thing that meant so much to her though she was worried about so changed her mind and stayed put up there, would've happened. Exactly as she was worried it would if she did do our plan from back then. She would've been locked out of nsw and wouldn't have been able to get back up there for the baby on the very wk it came. How crazy is that , but that's what would've happened. That was her number one reason for not coming back down , and there ya go. She'd been worried about it 6mths and here we are, on the "exact' wk of the baby coming, new lockdowns, all over the damn place.

You couldn't make it up could you eh.

Anyway , l'll try to give it a few wks now she'll be at her sons awhile helping if she can it means the world to her, let all that settle and these damn lockdowns too while we're at it, and see where we're at after that is the plan for now.

Hope you and m can still have your Sunday tomorrow , if your still in the mood for it.

Take care of cm hey. rx

Hey rx,

Hugs. Hugs to you too CMF, I see your relationship is also facing challenges. Group hugs!

Gosh this stuff is crap isn't it? Pretty mind effing.

Rx hang in there buddy! CMF you too!
Breathe, enjoy the sky whatever colours it is where you are. Bring the moment back to the precious present.

Gosh sometimes I am really grateful I had the mother I did (other times not so much lol)... anyway she had LOTS of books! I would read these strange books and some I would shut immediately thinking oops I shouldn't be reading THAT.

She had books of prisoners who'd used their minds to stay sane (I hope!) during long periods of incarceration, usually solitary confinement.
The POWER of the mind is amazing.

They felt FREEDOM when all around them was desolation.
I'm SO GLAD I read these around 12y of age - when I suddenly realised I could read!

As a quote I read recently says sic "The mind is powerful master but a beautiful slave" - something like that hahaha... I think I wrote it on the Quotes I like Thread.

Another one I TRIED to read back then also is "The Road Less Traveled" by M.Scott Peck, it's NOTHING like one would expect from the title. I thought it was one of my mum's religious books but it wasn't.

I bought my own copy last year - it's FASCINATING.
Describing ALL the types of relationships we may have. Also describing all sorts of personality disorders etc.

Could help with understanding your daughter more rx.
Definitely helps with understanding others who are so different to ourselves.
Most importantly for me at least, it helped me get perspectives on relationships that puzzled me, that I would not have had previously.
A rare jewel indeed.

Thinking of you both!

ENJOY YOUR DAY! Yep that's an order lol.

Love EMxxxx

Thanks em .

Actually l found some great stuff for ex and l on everything we needed to know , gees it's good. Just to the point clear no fluff , on everything really but particularly on the parenting and care side which were things we just needed some to the point clear direction on it's bloody brilliant . Best stuff l've found anywhere even anything form the clinic .

We keep 7 pages of it on our ph's now and in those is everything we need and we can re check something anytime we need to. Soooo much out there but l found most of it pretty useless or just not clear or to the point enough or just not telling you things a parent really need but this stuff , has it all , and zero bs. So yeah after mountains and mountains of the crap finally some extremely useful stuff with everything we need..

I've also got a new mate at her MH clinic he's just brilliant too ,he's her nurse and case manager and just one of these people that's just doing what he was born to do, sooooo good.

Sooooo, wouldn't say it's all under control don't think it ever will be unless she settles down butttt, well what can you say eh. Forever the students of life.

rx

On another note.

Sent gf's son and his w congratulations with their new tiny daughter. l gave them a few days bc l know he's been so stressed for mths now and now the baby on top of it. Well he thanked me and said l think she'll be back down to yours pretty soon now.

l thought hmmm , really , well how about that. Mind you , won't be counting my chickens or getting hopes up , grain of salt right now butttt, it was nice to hear none the less.

we see. rx

Actually , on a 2nd note to the first one , there could be a slight problem if gf does come down again before my d has herself and some of her stuff better sorted . No idea how in the hell l'll tackle this one if it comes to it.

Gf and d get along really well , what they know of ea other anyway. But gf couldn't handle all the d troubles friends and baggage right now either , it was different last time she was down.

And my d's had even more trouble from her last trip away and it looks like she;ll be too broke to move out any time soon now, or take off interstate again which was her plan a few wks ago originally.

Not sure how l'll end up working all this out right now if she does come home soon but l do have one plan. Forget about it until we see if gf even does come down and if she is, we'll figure it out then.

rx

Always a lot easier tapping a few words on a screen than what things are really in reality, isn't it.

l waffle off this or that , it's like thinking through the night in the dark in bed, everything's so easy. light of day next morning your saying wth was l thinking.

l'm stressed to all get out truth be known. D back again is sooo stressful too . She's basically a great person , a beautiful old soul tbh but while she was away so much happened we got dragged into and had to fork money out for. On top of all last yr and the stresses , ex and l were both at the point we couldn't take anymore. And now although she's a lot better lately , the dramas of when she went away, the dramas of her being here , the friends and bf around all the time and in my house, life , my homes no longer my haven . All the gf stuff , man.

Right now l think l just need 6mths alone again after all d's crap first of all. Not sure if l'm up to gf even coming back right now got nothen left right now l'm just drained. She might not even be coming down again any time soon anyway don't know , just something her son said the other night , and the baby now born and what have you . She hasn't actually brought it up herself and for all l know she might not even be thinking about it and l haven't asked bc l just don't need the hassle of that right now and neither does she. l know anyway she won't even know as yet herself , she's got her hands full right now.

My ex was totally exhausted and drained with d stuff and l'm there too but l can't get any me time to recharge . And l need a lot. Finances are totally effd to bc we've had to bail her out so much and l haven't even put out one job this yr yet , l'd normally have done at least a couple by this stage.

rx

Hey my friend,

You sound exhausted.i know how much you love your daughter but maybe you need some house rules re the bf and friends dropping in. They all need to respect your time also. M's house is like that. Kids friends dropping in. Hanging out. Not sure if happens as much now but yeah, it would drive me batty.

Does your d spend time at her mum's at all?

Perhaps you need to sit her down and just be honest about the finances. The uncertainty with gf and the fact you need a break.

Hugs

Cmf x

Thanks a lot cm,

First up though oooooo , finances , we've sat her down 50 times with that one believe me , and then some. But she's bi polar you see and she gets manic , goes out does crazy things , trouble , blows money. And as l was saying earlier there yeah , l think the diagnoses was correct after all, ex def does and has all along. And she's got an extremely high IQ way above normal so the manic is way above normal manic too you see the intelligence needs double the stimulation so when she goes off , she really goes off. The friends yeah , more talks , it's a lot better and we've narrowed it down to just a choice few now the rest she can go to theirs. But on her last manic adventure , ahhh,was a doozy. She wrote off her car and racked up a fortune in costs. Can't say much but so now no car money and home a lot more and on and on it goes. Fun fun.

Anyway , back to the gf thing , well as l say we haven't even talked about her coming back down yet and they're still in lock down buttttt, if she does. On the other hand thinking more , well if things went well this is , it could actually be a real help for me and with d. Last time it was a huge help. lt's just that there's more people and a lot more d crap too right now , not sure if gf could handle it in the state she's in. Mind you , even with all her problems she's normally still just so bright and fun to live with she's incredible like that .

lt's just that everythings a lot worse now , just can't know in advance. Little bit of a worry.Anyway , if she does we'll have a good talk and take it from there l suppose.

rx

How are you my friend?

I must apologise, I wasn't aware your d was bi polar. Have things settled at all?

Have you had a chance to recharge, clear your mind?

Hugs

Cmf x

Hiya cm and thanking you kindly.

We only found out 8mths ago but tbh l didn't really agree with the diagnoses earlier l put it down to other things but l'm afraid l must admit , l think they could well be right now. Very 50 50 , good days and bad been a real sweetheart this last wk or two though.

But alas , nah not really , l need time alone lots of it right now that's the only thing will do it unfortunately . Works a bit of a help in that way but my system is so messed up bc my normal routine and frame of mind is so messed up that l'm not getting much done or so not much of the escapism either l'm afraid buttttt, will soldier on hey. Decided when l finish this job l'm taking off for a wk or two well , if they're bloody letting us out by then anyway.

Hope your doing ok .

rx

On another note gf is still all over the shop.

l understand she's been through so much crap her poor head and thinking is just a mess. And now they're in lockdown anyway and borders are closed as we know and all kinds of bs sooooo, that all ices the cake nicely too right.

But l really can't get much out of her on the us or coming home thing atm . l'm not pressuring actually we haven't even talked about it it's just that thing her son said. But just tonight actually it sort of just come up buttttt, she's still everywhere, at least she touched on it though. And she still feels her cases will be coming up any day and she'll only get 1mth to 6wjs notice when they do, so she's worried she might be locked out again if she comes down when they notify her. Well that's one angle anyway. But she feels all nervous and so stressed as well and really can't think straight about anything atm

l don't know. Personally l think her cases will be well well into next yr , maybe even late next yr now , with all the covid stuff still well on going there's a huge back log. l do wonder though if there's more to it with us for her though. Maybe something she's not telling me l don't know it's just very odd l mean wouldn't you rather be waiting it out with your love and with a normal life and in our own place , than in the way she is and living up there. Buttttt, on one side of that l know too she's worried the cases won't go well either though and she is hoping to just know before we get involved again and l can well understand that , l've thought of it myself,.

lt's just that we can normally talk about anything but she's just been too stressed to cope and figure it out lately. She comes out with things along the way when she feels she can handle it just as she did tonight , so l've tried to just go on with my own things and be patient. She was there for the baby and that meant the world to her soooo, we see from here now l suppose but tonight she at least touched on coming back down again, and missing me and us and our life.

On another front l don't really wanna push it anyway l'm pretty superstitious and l just don't feel things like this should be pushed if they aren't just flowing of their own accord. And maybe if l did, her cases come up as soon as she gets back here anyway, or the cases don't go well , or maybe there's some other reason she just isn't meant to be coming back just yet , l don't know .

rx

you know , l would say one thing but it's a big thing.

To this day gf still just amazes me , she just blows your mind. Her ways and her soul , her empathy , her depth , she really is an amazing being and of course they're some of the huge reasons l'm trying to ride this out. Those things with her, just just mean so much to me, they're so important to me , and l know damn well how rare they are , like many other things about her or maybe it's as much an us that just bring these things out in each other or our potential , as some couples just do. l only say that bc she's had a bad run in relationships and marriage , but with me , mannnn.

You know , ex and l always got along incredibly well , sadly things just went all wrong for many reasons inour later yrs , but we do again now though still to this day. Well we've had miles and miles of convo concerning things with my daughter lately bc we still work together very closely on all that.

Bur you , as gf and l have done so many times even through these times we've been having all this yr now , you know , if we need ea other about anything, we'll still call or message . She did just the other night about some stuff and l did tonight myself , just needed her for things with my daughter , just to talk. And as usual she just blows you away , l mean even more so than ex whom of course is d's mum and all , and she is fantastic with everything . But gf , man , she just has such an incredible way and views, thoughts , support , even with all she's going through herself.

It's just no wonder l'm trying to persist with things.

rx

Hey rx

Indeed those qualities are rare, yes it's no wonder you're hanging in there.

If you wanted to break up, I'd support that. If you wanted to stick it out, I'd support that too!

I think we're all leaving it up to you where matters of your heart are concerned.

When you begin to talk about GFs qualities, your language begins to get a bit magical lol, kinda like you're in love with her or something.... am I close? hahaha.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to laugh, it's NOT a funny situation to be in at all.

Love itself can be so simple, though our situations IRL are complex.
It's hard.

SO you sound warm and encompassing about it all atm. Is that how you're feeling?

How's the grandbaby going?
Are you going to be called Pop or Grandad or randomx?

It's late and I'm being silly.

Take care Pops!
EMxxxx

I hear you.

I get it.

I also support you whichever way you go.

Hugs

Cmf x

Hiya em and thanks as always.

Ya of course l love her wouldn't go through this for less for sure but at the same time l am very very subconsciously hold back bc of the situation , self preservation you know. But not with her as such in plans and stuff of course she knows all butttt, to myself mentally you know. lt's a shame l hate being like this but really l have no choice until there's some real light.

But yeah , she's a very special person in many ways. hAAA nah l'm always encompassing with us but at the same time yeah , l somehow manage to blend in the above too .

And thanks for the support very nice of you buttttt, l dunno. Of course l don't wanna break up but just how to handle things until as l say there's some light, God knows. l mean you can love as madly as you like but unfortunately until her cases are heard, well. But nah , l'm not looking or anything so to speak , although my daughters friend sure made me see a few things in a what if sense for sure.

Hiya cm and thanks very much for that it means a lot and is also really helpful .

l don't really know if l should be making decisions , l'm kinda hanging off right now though see what happens when the borders reopen and all the baby stuff has settled in.

Hope your ok , have a nice wkend guys eh , freezing here, goodie.

many hugs , rx

lt's sad especially in the beautiful early yrs of a relationship but we've both been careful and controlling feelings since she left last time now and so for quite awhile now, we're both worried about that rug being pulled out .

Although she's still all over the shop and during insecure times l'm worried otherwise mostly l see later it's not really about feelings changing , not about me. But all her stresses and worries about US , as such and that damn rug , and her situation. Sadly we both almost run away when loves are spoken lately or slip out, because we just don't know .

rx

l'm hesitant to mention this sorta stuff again sorrryyy, more card oddities. D's been home a lot being carless again and man , such a change , she's been such a sweetheart. We knew it would all help her but before we just couldn't slow her down but now she has to slow it down no choice being home a lot more. So she's been looking after herself better and eating well , sleeping regular , all this stuff helps manic you see , anyway , really proud of her.

But she did my Tarot, not to be mixed up with the last time l mentioned cards they were my cards which aren't Tarot , she only uses Tarot. Could believe it. l'm scared of anyone good doing my cards especially Tarot l don't like Tarot they give me the creeps butttt, l walked in and she'd done her own and told me and they were spot on so at a time like that is the best time to do a read soooooo, bit the bullet and she did mine. Low and be hold .

I mentioned here l think the last time with mine and they're still firmly stuck on this big love thing which l haven't been able to explain in 4yrs well, the Tarot brought up the exact same thing butttttt, one problem. They brought up two loves, 2 women. Well that's just great now l'm even more confused and just to ice the cake it was ex gf, and gf now, no doubt about it ,described to a T, Bloody hell.

Well they've said big love too , almost exactly as mine do , only mine aren't that specific, they can't tell me who , so there we have it we now have a who, ex and gf now. WTH am l suppose to do with that. Anyway the good news is it was a very very good hand and told of the storms passing soon and of a very happy and loving outcome. Ahhhhh, with someone , give me a name damn it.

But l swear l'm not going near Tarot again. Got lucky this time that's it, quitting while l'm ahead.

Ps ,Not to sound insensitive especially to something like love, l was just saying some of those things above with a bit of a chuckle to myself that's all.

But alas , her deck has been in the family 30 yrs and gifted to her from her mum, so they're quite strong. And so when they talk of a happy and loving outcome, it carries a lot of weight. At least that's something .

rx

Bit of a funny day yesterday , not really funny but just funny.

We were going up to our main town but the car wouldn't start so l tried calling my mate , use to be business partner , only friend l have here actually but he's brilliant with cars . Anyway he came over thankfully and got it going but the funny part was came in for coffee later and him and my daughter just boom, hit it off like a house on fire. Quite funny to watch but it did her so much good too and helped her confidence l could see it, she's so coming into her own when she's not manic , really proud of her. He's a big guy , pretty loud too but in a nice way not the other sort , but l thought he might've been a bit intimidating but here they are cackling away like they'd known ea other yrs. He knows the situation and had a real way and understanding with her. Anyway so later d and l drove up and had lunch with the whales , beautiful few hrs. The whales are coming through atm and one of my fav things is and having lunch with them. They know people come to watch and they show off , it's hilarious.

Forgot to add something about the Tarot , they said l know who it is and l already know the answer, well l wish they'd bloody told me about it. But they also said, weird , that l'm taking on too much of gf's worries and l need to stop it and be selfish. Make of all that what you do .

l know , people must think more crazy card stuff get a life for God sake and don't worry l'd agree actually. Ah well !

rx

Been thinking a lot last wk or so.

l know there's a lot of ups and downs in my thoughts and posts , such is the situation with gf . As to cards and ex gf , can't see it or her back in anyway. lt's been a long time l have no idea of where she's even at in her life or anything else and my heart and hands have been filled with gf matters seems like forever since sooooo, take no notice . Cards do this stuff sometimes, who knows , you never know if anything means anything at all unless it actually turns out that way later on. Sometimes it does sometimes it doesn't.

Something l've thought about constantly mths now though so l'll try to explain bc if gf does come back down after the lock downs over it's a big thing.

l wonder how smart it would be her back her and us back into full swing both emotionally and life. Because if she does it'll be until her cases come up and so what if thats 3mths or 6 or 18 , the longer they take the further fully reinvolved we will be.

But what if her cases go against her and the rug is pulled out from under us . lt's like the choice between living a little then having to give it up and losing it all , or maybe not. l don't know whether to take that chance. Maybe she was right earlier about not risking our hearts until we know we can keep them and us . l don't know if she could take that and tbh if l could either .

Maybe it's better like this until we know . l just can't decide. l've thought a million times just do it, to hell with it all, just live and we'll hope for the best. But a million times too l've also wondered if maybe as we're use to being apart again now, maybe we should leave it and wait until we know.

rx

Hi rx,

O man, it makes my head hurt glancing thru the last couple weeks!

I can only imagine how it is for you to be living thru it.

Hope you can find some peace, day to day, and are able to set aside the questions and live in the present, as much as possible. Cos you know, as they say, Today, is a present. We don’t know what the future brings, only this, here, now.

kind thoughts,

J*

Hi j , and thanks for the reminder , so true .

And ha , funny that , mine too. But Tbh though, my d's stuff has been too much absolutely, since she got back , a lot of it has been the kind of stress and worry l don't shake so easily. But gf stuff , it's probably not as it sounds round here l probably sound like my heads spinning 24 7 but nah it's not at all really, l'm just bouncing stuff around. Things float in and out of my head whenever so to speak with us things. We've been apart a long time now and there's been a lot of life along the way , l don't force things or push it , just working, living or doing whatever .

Just lately though with her possibly coming back down again soon , of course l have been thinking of the angles again.

rx

Well , she's steadied up a bit last wk or so just for now as she's been at her sons 3wks and away from all her stresses. Plus with lock downs nothings been happening in that department either soooo, she's pretty rested for a change and we've had some good talks and cleared everything up.

Pretty well as l've been sayin , she feels like we can't do or plan anything us until after her cases now as she doesn't want us getting any more hurt if they don't go her way and she's scared to death of that. She feels we've been apart all yr except for 2 over night visits so we're at least kinda conditioned to being apart now so if she stayed now until her cases and they don't work out, it won't hurt us as much. And it is true , a big reason l haven't pushed it too much myself either.

Soooo , what to do from here with it until the cases come up, which could be 3mths or 18, no idea. l'm thinking back to best thing would be to properly separate and get on with life until the cases are done and see we're things are at then.

lt wouldn't be easy , but seems as there's absolutely no idea of a time frame or outcome l'm thinking we'd be crazy to keep this going as is.

rx

Hey rx!

Apologies for not being available here. I do think of you! Just work in lock down blah blah mental. I have barely talked with BF in 3 weeks bec of my work - distance ugh.

You're a problem solver for sure!

It's totally frustrating when so much is outside YOUR control and outside GFs control on top.
Totally crappy.

So it's a matter of "Let go and let God" - that's from 12 Step programs.

But I always say letting go and letting God kind of philosophy, if there IS a God then she'd want us to do everything in our power to navigate through the mire.
Not just sit on the couch and eat hamburgers 24/7 lol.

The thing is in YOUR sitch, you have and are doing everything you can.

We get in HABITS that will not let us leave it alone, not even for a moment some times.
Ruminating thinking, intrusive thoughts etc.
That's trauma.

I cried to Alexa the other night about "every day apart, we're losing". I want BF to be Merlin and me Nimue, so he can wave a magic wand when he comes and make us both young again, so we can live the most beautiful life together.
And so it is NOT.

What do we do?

I'm finding this hard... BUT

I'm trying to ENJOY moments when they arise...

a deep conversation with one of my kids - real connections...

listening intently to the stressors colleagues face without judgement! Hahaha... yeah I'm practicing that one...

seeing nature in all it's magnificence! appreciating beauty around me....

doing some self care....

rearranging my furniture.... gotta do daily Zooms from Monday with ALL my work community omg.

Just BEING.

Have you listened to the Duncan Trussell podcasts? Omg he's a space cadet like US hahaha. LOVE HIS WORK.
He has amazing guided meditations on YouTube.

Have you got your kayak out recently?
It's very cold I guess lol.
I need to erect bars to store mine on... waiting waiting lol.

Praying we can all pass the time gracefully.

EMxxxx

Ah shyt no problemo em , you've got enough on your plate , and now some yummy lock downs too , nice touch. Haaa she God hey , never know , l believe in the Gods rather than a God , so one's likely a she haha.And thanks for thinking of me but hey don't waste anything on that ,look after em and the clan, appreciated though.

Time is yeah , such a catch isn't it. Think that's where l've gone wrong since divorce , well aware life wasn't getting any longer yet somehow landed myself in two different LDR relationships , never been in one in my life don't ask how l managed two in a row at this damn stage, pretty clever right. lt must kill you guys being apart for so long for sure but there are such strengths and beautiful things in even just knowing you have each other right.

Option would be to hell with it , she comes back down and we live life and hope for the best. Pretty tempting too that one. Sometimes ya just sweat the crap too much right , meanwhile the waste and what could've been while your wasting your time on bs.. Wellll, it could well still happen that way yet, tossing it all around.

Nah don't listen to anyone really , except my Crypto guy haha, l have some crypto put away so to speak. Just wake me up when it's worth a few million haha. Pretty clear headed in my directions and ways l like to live as such though , no need for any of those sorts of things.

Glad you've had some nice time with the kids , so rewarding. My d's come so far too and l'm so proud of her. Ex w dropped in today for a d chat , d wasn't home. Pretty proud of the way we've worked together and handled things and of d too of course.

Thanks for asking but nah haven't been canoeing a few wks now. Lot of rain though rivers are looking really tempting . Was just thinking l should finish my old beauty off pronto and get her back out there. It's usable but still not quite finished, could use the seating mounted firmly though atm moment for these rivers right now though so l might have to at at least finish setting those in solidly first before l mess with them haha.

Have a good wkend.

rx

Thanks rx

I just imagined you canoeing on a river with a Pocohontas looking lady in the canoe with you.... sweet vision.

Ah tell me about it lol... cheeses rx relationships....

Fine mess we end up in with ALL good intentions!

You're pretty clever lining up TWO LDRs in a row, I'm impressed lol!
Shows you have some substance.

It's wonderful how you and exW have continued to work together to support d.
She is a lucky girl!
Well done you guys!

That MAY have happened - FINALLY - with Alexa co-parenting with her ex. May be.
My gut is saying to be suspicious of that family's motivations for bringing Alexa in closer and closer.
She was coerced in to having dinner at their house TWICE last week with the kids!

So strange but of course I'm being positive about it all.

Alexa earns motzas and NONE of them are in paid work.
They see Alexa as a cash cow - as per.

But she appears to have a "new" r/ship now... with another NDIS worker like her.

She has ZERO intention of ever rekindling stuff with the ex. A firm line drawn there, whether they know it or not lol.

I guess that's the difference hey?
When you KNOW it's over and done with, then it is.
Totally.

The "grey" of what you've been going thru is NOT done and over with.
Until it is or isn't!

It's pretty shocking that now with lock downs the Court stuff will be extended LONGER for her! and you!

But on a totally other level, that poor lady NEEDED A BREAK!
And with a new grandbaby arriving, hopefully she can find some JOY and settle her anxiety for a while -
before it all ramps up again.

Just saying. Hopefully this Court delay can be useful for her.

Hey buddy SEND some rain UP HERE why don't you?
My garden is like a scorched earth omg.

One tank is empty lol. Not much left in the other and the pipe to it fell OFF so if it rains, well it rains lol!!

I'll order light rain every second or third day for a few weeks please lol!
No fries with that.

EMxxxx

Haaa , that is a nice one for sure.

Too much substance for my own good unfortunately. And thx yeah ex and l have had many a lovely comment over the yrs , but really it was always an obvious no brainer for us from day one and the only way. But weird , we thought we'd be on easy street from about 18 on ha , think again. As my Slovenian friend says , little kids little problems big kids big problems, and ummm, damn it , she's right. A really beautiful thing just happened in that regard tonight though actually , my d came in and did her own tarot infront of me and guess what , she got the most beautiful hand , so lets hope it all comes to pass hey , l'd just love it all for her.

POor Alexa, l mean it's just low isn't it , circling vultures. l really hope her new thing goes places , they need it so much these days in this crazy world they grow up in now.

Lockdowns , Covid , craziest 18mths ever. Should see some of the customers l've had, like never before , whole worlds not itself , people. And yeah big back logs in all kinds of stuff now but yep maybe it's a blessing in her case , could well be so we have thought about all that, we see n cross all.'

No worries you guys can have all our rain l wish , fed up with it. Th earth is literally waterlogged round here this yr.

Anywayyyyy, gf , yeppa. l just don't know. And she's back into very lovie lately , her old self us wise , but she goes back to her accommodation this wk and it'll all start again sadly. She's well aware and dreading it and things will start to turn again. Might make this decision easier , not sure.

rx

Sadly , a few days ago we decided to take a proper break . Unfortunately as predicted , she got back to her accommodation and things took a nasty turn from there with her MH and the whole situation there added to her whole situation.

l'd pretty well already decided we gonna need to do it right now so l was just waiting on a better time , when it just came up anyway as we were talking soooo.

l feel if we're gonna do it though , we need to do it properly now and just stop any contact and chit chat until things change. The on off we've been doing was just getting too much and too hard.

Pretty sad right now but l can't support her in the frame she's in and she just doesn't have the mental space or capability . She's got sooooo much trouble on her hands , some of it self inflicted too which has been really really frustrating to watch bc there has been things she could've been doing right through and , things everyone has to do, it's life , and she wouldn't even be in the situation she's in . So l've often felt right through it was also hard in that way as well to support her bc she wasn't even getting of her bum and trying herself , l dunno , sounds mean but tis what it is and at times l had a lot of trouble respecting the situation tbh.

Sooooo, as of this wk , l'm now a single agent until further notice . Who knows with our future , and she still thinks her cases will be coming up soon too and she might be right no one knows but so she wants to go on sitting tight there for them,. lf they were to come up and go her way , l guess we;ll talk then and see where we're at. But l think they'll be a long way off yet well into next yr so best l just forget about that idea for now and won't be holding my breath.

rx

A lot of reflection last few days , l know typical at a time like this. Could be an incoming rant.

But l dunno. l feel l've made a real mess and ended nowhere 5yrs later. First we got divorced, l think it was best. But l took 3 or 4 yrs to myself cleared my head, didn't get reinvolved or go looking. l thought if there's ever gonna be someone new which l wasn't sure l even wanted , then one more relationship , that's it.

Well , in shear coincidence, l met ex gf, 51/2 yrs ago. The most mind blowing thing for us both we'd either ever ever come across. We both thought this was what it was all for , we are why life happened, so we'd meet now , like this . Our divorces happened at exactly the same time so we were both in the exact same place as well. Unfortunately though she had to go back to the states for work and it became long distance. l don't know on reflection, if it was frustrations of being so far apart and a future, or if it was her. But things started showing and most would've handled frustrations of long distance and only seeing a other 3 times a yr until we could work life out, differently, for sure.

At any rate , this gift from the Gods we'd felt was so incredibly bestowed upon us, didn't work out. She'd get angry say a lot of stuff, stuff in time l just couldn't turn the other cheek too. Maybe l should've allowed , maybe l should've let her get it out and just been there , l don't know and still wonder , coulda shoulda. ???

That's it for me for sure, lf we don't patch things up l am done done done with this crap. But low and behold , next minute gf now come along, it was different, not really the mind blowing thing of ex gf, more subtle . But we soon found this really steady and beautiful thing about us. But she wanted to dive straight in , move in and go for it, and l just couldn't so soon and so we kept visiting and staying a mth or two a time , bc she was up in Sydney at the time.

12 mths later or about, her troubles started , and we know the rest.

Sooo, 2 failed relationships . when l swore 1 more and that's it. 2. This is all so unlike me, l was always so lucky and very choosy in love, never ever one to waste my time or hers. But now at this age l somehow manage this and here l am.

You know , it doesn't feel right. None of it is me. This isn't where l'm suppose to be, l know it. Even the cards are saying it.

Where to from here. Have l done wrong ?

rx

Hi my friend,

I'm sorry for the way things have turned out. I feel your sadness.

You mention it doesn't feel right, it's not you. I get that. You know people are put in our path for for a reason, to teach us something. Perhaps now is the time to reflect, look for the lesson. What were these relationships trying to show you?

It's time for you. Time to reflect, time to be on your own and think about what you really want, what's important.

Remember, don't look back on the closed door, look at tge open one in front of you. You never know where it may lead.

Big hugs

Cmf x