l'm having doubts.

lt's still the Sydney thing. Thing is she's looking at places and talking about houses and talking how much she loves it there. Her kids right there and especially atm for them both and l know , of course.

l've thought a lot about it since her case finished and in all honesty. l do not wanna live there it's just not what l had in mind and l've been thinking of what l want 5yrs now after this house. And that couldn't be more opposite to Sydney , let alone going back to money and stress paying for it, l've been planning on quitting work , l want to as early as l can, and that's all sorted l'm just waiting on selling this place and that'll be that. So not only don't l wanna live in Sydney anyway , and that my daughters here in Vic, Sydney would blow everything l had planned out of the water and l'd be back to working just to pay for it. Couldn't even buy a house there that'd be just to rent and l've been checking rents even the basic is dearer pw than what my house payment here is p/mth.

Considering how far it is and how much work and the expense , hotels and all too , it's basically been 13 mths apart from 2 quick ones , should l even open that can of worms again ? Bc l do wanna go live in Sydney..

rx

Amazing doing posts in forums.

Bc l "don't" wanna live in Sydney- anyone else have that problem? Although l'm dyslexic so l suppose most probably never do it but how many times does one word totally change a meaning, and l do it in just about anything l write anywhere.

Anyway , just in continuation , we've decided l'll still go up and we'll see later from there.

Says she's not totally closed to not living there but l dunno, l might be riddled with guilt forever dragging her away if l did.

Back to we'll see.

rx

Hi rx,

I type wrong word all the time too.

It's a huge move. I wouldn't want to live there either lol. Make the visit, you both deserve that, then see what happens, how you feel.

Cmf

Hi cm.

Do ya yeah , l have the knack of excelling on key words in the middle of key sentences that somehow turn it into the opposite every time damn it.

Anyway yep, good idea.

rx. 00

Back home, slept most of the day. Sort of a shame sort of not that l couldn't stay longer.She's doing tafe right now though and had 4 days straight studying coming so once she went back accommodation was too damn expensive to waste waiting around doing nothing. Don't think l'll just wing it next time though ahhhh, might pay to line some stuff up before l get there.

Anyway , things kinda didn't go too good unfortunately either. My trip up was really nice but Sydney traffic roads tunnels just bloody everywhere and fees were pretty rough on me haha.My gps wouldn't work either, got lost all over and l'll probably have about a grand in fines coming in the mail too. Luckily they seem like pretty patient drivers though and put up with me all over the place haha. Thankfully when l finally did find gf's place her gps worked and she did a great job getting us outa there, thank the Gods.

The us wellllll, we kinda had a fight, it wasn't much but we were especially me so tired l just didn't deal with it too well, once l'm tired that's it l don't do bs well. Anywayyyy, it was still beautiful to be together again and we had some really special time. l didn't know what to expect tbh the way she's been carrying on12mths but she was just her old self and so were we, it's all still there and as if the last 12mths apart and everything else didn't even happen.

Lots of talking to and as beautiful as that was unfortunately though , what to do with this now ? We're even considering long distance , or if she got a place of her own later on that'd take care of huge expenses and accommodation hassles visiting. My brothers been long distance with his gf 25yrs. Only 4hrs drive apart though is helluva lot different to a Great Ocean rd to Sydney apart though. And l'd have a lot of trouble just sitting round up there too wks on end bc apart from the us factor, l'd have nothing else going on there or interest in anything else soooo. Long term it's not much of a solution , not forgetting the distance itslef on top of it.

rx

Lots of thoughts obviously, and gf is closer than ever and talking marriage again and calling up with plans and ideas.

She doesn't even mind the idea of us being part time if l stayed down in Vic and we just visited. Says having love is the most important thing even if your not together all the time. And l agree, it is , what is more important in life , yet that which alludes many of us right through our lives, so yeah , it is very very important . Says we'll figure something out it might take a few more yrs but whatever. A few more yrs ????

Trouble is in all honesty, l don't wanna be up in Sydney every few mths for yrs basically twiddling my thumbs on the side apart from us being together at the time for however long each time, or traveling there and back every 5mins. l'd enjoy the her coming down here part of it bc l'd still be in my world and life , and of which she has been a big part of herself here anyway all through too.But with her nerves these days, that won't be very often at all it'd mostly be me and Sydney.

lt's feeling like decision time again.

Sure is.

It's one thing to do long distance but to have to spend time somewhere you don't enjoy is not good. Bit like M & I. I can deal with only seeing him on weekends, having to share that time with sis is just not on.

Cmf

Yeah , it sure is .

l don't even know how to begin with this one now considering, but all l can say is a few days is a long time in the head of gf sometimes andddd, we've had another fight, about the other fight. But it's not really the fight itself, again that was really nothing much, like the other one. it's about the way she changes and things she says when she gets angry. lt's something she's always done since we first met and a trait l despise tbh. Goes from full on lovie dovey to suddenly throwing this or that around, or things yrs old that weren't even anything at the time let alone yrs later but whatever they were had been done and dusted yrs anyway until- Get her angry and apparently not after all. Not to mention new things you've never even heard of just for good measure, that were apparently perfect just a few day ago too.

l am not impressed let me tell ya.

Yeah, bringing up stuff that's done & dusted means it's clearly not done & dusted for her.

Unfortunately not a good train. You really need to consider everything here. The distance, location, moods, arguments, character.

You need to consider if all this will make you happy long term.

It's been one of my trust things with her from day one and unfortunately no matter how lovey dovey , it still comes out when she's in a shyt and for me all goods fly out the window then and just seem fake.

Wrong choice of words really, done and dusted, more like happened once and has been great the other 50times. You know what, l told her once she was passive aggressive and uses it as a form of manipulation and when she cracks it again next , l still think the same. Some people have this tick and a real knack with this stuff and twisting knowing they'll grate you up a bit. l'm afraid she def' has it too and it's more just that than anything bc most of the time the stuff isn't even logical.

l really hoped she'd stabilize in time now with her situation finally off her shoulders l mean she must feel 1 kg now as compared to 500 before butttt,

rx

Wellll , at least some nice today.

lt turns out stuff she'd said the other day and it's happened others too , was just put wrong in English.

Her English is pretty good these days but she does still put/express some things with the wrong words or in the wrong way. Reminds me of trying to do a reply here and getting that one word at that one time wrong and changing the whole post.

lt's not gonna solve much but whatever we do l'm really bloody pleased that she didn't mean what she'd said in that way,nonetheless.

Oh lol.

Yeah, we know how one wrong word can change the whole context. Glad you sorted that out.

You could just take things slow. Her stuff just finished. Maybe let her settle before any big decisions.

Yeah it's been a weird thing right through. l use to think she'd had this really below the belt passive aggression type streak. lt's strange though and tbh lm still not sure bc l've only discovered some of this wrongly put stuff sometimes12mths later and often just accidentally. Bc as her English gets better she'll say something opposite and l'll say but you said this or that last time now your saying this , and we'll figure it out,

So yeah , your spot on cm and a big hug for that too. She's still pretty pressured and with a lot of other worries now. Even today she has 4appointments all over Sydney, enough to send anyone off.

Came out with something else last night to btw. Said baby this Sydney stuff is crazy no way l can afford any of this l won't even be able to eat well, l bloody agree. Especially considering we can live at mine for pretty well nothing and do whatever we want, forget that.

So yeah , l might just take your advice for awhile first of all, bit more time.

rx

Sounds like she may come to realise the Sydney option is not ideal.

Give it time. Let the dust settle. You may get a nice surprise.

Yeah , bit of a reality check tonight though unfortunately .

Her tafe course doesn't finish until dec even though if she wanted to she could transfer that to Vic anyway. But although she complains and says things, at the end of the day it still doesn't really seem to be fazing her intentions of staying up there though nonetheless sooooo, not feeling too confident tbh.

And l'm not waiting till dec' for her bloody tafe course up there either. Just tonight she said , after all that , we'll see what happens after l've finished tafe, in bloody Dec. Oh, sure why not l'll just sit around for another 12mths.

Not only but despite prices and complaining she's still full steam ahead on looking for a place and all these other plans she's been talking about soooo, hmmmm.This was all just coming out in our call tonight you see.She's still hoping l'll sway in the end and move up there.

rx

Very weird feelings , not sure what's going on.

A few days ago a new job has come up over the border that l may be going to pick up and it's only about 400k from Sydney. There's very good money in this one so it's well worth the trip and where l'd pick the job up from is also a very easy run and there'd be no hurry or pressure. Sooooo, we're thinking l could go up to Sydney again from there first , stay a bit and then pick it up on the way through coming home later. And as we eventuality ended up finding a really easy to get to and nice place to stay last time in the end, l could just go straight back to that one this time so there'd be no hassles of driving all over the damn place l had last time. And it's pretty well be a free trip and stay bc of the job l'll be picking up way back.

So why does it all feel weird.? Tbh , things didn't go too well last time and we had that fight. That was sort of over nothing much really but with all the hassles and stress l wound up having up there that trip , l dunno , things just didn't go well. Add in all her Sydney stuff, things have kinda been a little weird since and l've been wondering if there's any future in it, she has to l think although we haven't really said much about it. It's all just in the too hard basket atm for us both , l know.

l'll add more later , don't really know how to describe it right now but the idea's feeling weird , why ?

rx

Yeah,,,,usually the obvious isn't it. l mean we were just back to us it was like we'd never been apart but there was stuff none the less, and she and her son are in a terrible place atm with Ukraine too. l'd feel guilty rocking up at a time like this tbh but she wants to get on with things, it was in the background last trip though she wasn't herself at all. lt wasn't really us as such though.

So that's huge but her Sydney thing too l mean, where can it go anyway you know. That might budge yet but it's not sounding like it, l dunno.We've just been so sad to though bc the last one was over so fast.

She freaks me out the way her tuning with me is even stronger than ever though yet we've been apart so long. There's lots of things but last night for example she says baby,,,something you wanna tell me? Well l didn't mention the new job or maybe another trip yet and then she just says , tell me l wanna know. l said it might be a bad time she says no it might even help. Soooo, told her about it but not really about the job itself. Next minute she says it's a very good deal baby, you know, you should grab it, and you get a free trip up to me too. Well l didn't mention the deal yet either but yeah it is it's a really good deal well worth it. Then she says you can check it on the way through sign the stuff pick it up going back. Ummm, fun police, l was just about to tell ya all that. Then she says oh, l'm really sorry about such and such to baby, - something that happened a few days ago only thing is bc of her worries atm, l didn't even tell her about that either. Had a funny one a few wks back, l got a new mattress, hadn't told her about that either at the time it was gonna be a surprise suddenly that night she starts telling me how she feels l'll really sleep well tonight at last , [ hadn't been sleeping the few wks before you see}- but wth, you got a camera in my head or something girl. So l tell her about the mattress, she says ahhhh, that's what it was. She means her feeling.

Funny really. My daughters got a bad habit of finishing my sentence even if it's something completely out of nowhere she knew nothing about. But my gf tells me what's going on before l even get to tell her myself , l dunno which one is more fun police haha.

rx

Whether the next trip back up or not happens as yet , still not sure. lt's just been an idea atm bc of that job l could also grab.

l've been sampling not working this yr so far, bc l've been wanting to stop. l always wanted to retire early but with MH last few yrs it's sort of been looking like it's just best l do if l could. But funny, l reckon it's like people were saying in my other thread about all that , l've actually felt worse not working, most people in that thread said the same. Anyway, l still had one job in the yard from later last yr that still hadn't been picked up yet mainly because l just couldn't be bothered dealing with the customers but anyway it left today and so l'm free to go grab that other one now and drop up to sydney again to if we decide. Haven't done any business for 6mths, really weird day but it's done.

lt didn't go well last trip up there, lt was my fault. l'm not good when l;m tired so if l do go l'll have to make damn sure l organize and don't get in the shyt like l did last trip and end up like that again.

Anyway , underneath it's for us both a one more try thing tbh. Bc she still has her Sydney thing and all new stuff going on now that her cases are done and she's free to restart rebuild life here, you could imagine.And we're a part of it too of course if we're actually gonna be.lt's a little confusing though bc on the other hand there is the Sydney thing which l know l don't want so where would it leave us anyway,l dunno , l just wanna see her again though none the less right now.

We've been talking all night though and actually some of that kept floating in and out too and she's realizing just how damn expensive it'll be and how could she even manage and sorta flowing in and out of maybe even coming back down to mine instead. But l didn't push any of that she's got enough going own l don't wanna push it and besides , if she was considering it l want it to come from her not my pushing or maybe she resents it later. But among it was depending and for me too , how things went if l do go back up this time.

Hard to even think about such huge things when you haven't even been together 13mths first of all. So anyway atm ,we're thinking l probably will go back up and maybe we just see from there first of all. l feel like we just need to make a damn decision about us , allt his time l mean we need to know what we're doing, us. Or not .

rx

Do you think you could tell her this? Tell her that it can't keep dragging on like this? Tell her you can't live in Sydney?

I understand she still has things to sort out but how much longer can you wait?

Maybe a good face to face chat is needed, lay it all out, weigh it all up.

Yeah , she knows l don't wanna move up there now and we've been talking about everything. Shame last trip though bc we also made a boo boo with her tafe hrs that wk and with everything else we just didn't get enough time together.

Anyway this trip there'll be more time and l'll know where to go to so l'll be fresher to hopefully and we can just have some nice time together first of all.l suppose later on l'll be back home again though and yeah, we'll def' have to figure out what we're doing from there.

She says even if we couldn't work out a living situation long distance is still better than breaking up at least we still have ea other but l couldn't keep doing that long distance. lt's not only too far but l want more of a real life together.

Been trying to put my finger on why this next trip is feeling so weird, l mean there is the obvious , but l hope that's not what is is.

Tbh though , it is feeling like a bit of a lost cause with her Sydney thing. We felt strange too , our old selves but different , we did need more time to find out feet though it'd been so long it went soooo fast.

Even if she'd consider moving back down to mine, l'd have such doubt and guilt though, like dragging her away from her new gd and son.

She has such serious new stuff going on now too to do with Ukraine l can't go into here, l feel so selfish even thinking about us though this stuff is so big. But l need to think about us, and myself. l dunno , seems although of course none of that is her fault but 3yrs, there's been something all through, and now that , maybe it just never ends for her.

l don't even know how she could even handle another visit right now tbh, even though she insists she can't wait.

lt's only this new job really even though we'd love to see ea other asap, but being able to make another Sydney trip out of it . Doubt l'd be getting up there again so soon if not for this job and l wouldn't be taking this job, too far, if not for Sydney haha.

Suppose l could just do it , th with it, see what happens. Well as long as she stays up to it.

Hmm , that's probably as gooda plan as any.

rx

Hmmmm...maybe this job came to you at this time for a reason, because you need to see each other, sort through things.

It must be kinda nice to reconnect. Am I right?

Go with the flow, see what happens. You sound very open minded about it all, no unrealistic expectations. That's a good thing.

Cmf

Well that could be true actually , l haven't had a job come up up that way for 4 -5yrs, general direction yeah but not like this one as far as Sydney goes.

Haaa, kinda nice ahh, would be kinda the understatement of human kind tbh yep, you bet. But l think l'm agreeing with ya, th with it, with this job and all, just do it , l like it haha.

Besides , there has to be a damn decision, or a solution , and so we just need to be together again first of all.

Yep. You don't have unrealistic expectations which is good.

Take the job, make the trip. It's come to you for a reason.

What if it is a slow reconnection? I think you said you don't wanna do long distance. What if you start long distance...see where it goes? Not sure it's a great Idea, just throwing things out there.

Haaa, funny you should say those things.

She says yesterday and we need to find my ring. But but but ummm, call me weird baby but ahh, l'd kinda like to be actually living with my wife, yaknow! She says oh we will we can work that out later, we can do long distance until then. Funny , she said much the same last trip actually , if you don't wanna live up here we can just visit , we can still be married, we can visit forever if we want ahhhhh ,, wellll. She can't handle flying bc of a nervous system thing and l sure as hell don't wanna still be driving up and back when l'm 80.

Mind you , if she just lived up or down the coast from me l could drive that all day long forever.

rx

Might sound crazy but we've survived over 3yrs and through all her crap and also being apart 13mths through all that too well, apart from two very quick visits. l mean we somehow keep on keeping on and this kind of courage means a lot to me in a woman, on top of all the things l love about her l mean.

l have thought about just why don't we , myself, to hell with it. l just know though that as a woman and a mum, and now a gm, it'll only get harder for her to leave her family up there and less and less likely. And another yr will turn into two, then 5, then never.

rx

l'm doing things totally different this trip no days of crazy driving round Sydney wearing me out this time either so l'm hoping l'll be a lot fresher. Can stay longer to bc she's of tafe for awhile now. Won't be that long though but longer than last time.

Really hoping we can just reach something. l'm really feeling and worried about time and things just going on forever to still nowhere. l dunno, l'd much rather be in a frame of mind where l was just relaxing and letting cards fall where they may in life , but l just feel this time dragging on in circles. We were suppose to be free to start life properly when her cases were done , not this for yrs on end next, after all that.