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Topic: Needing Advice

25 posts, 0 answered
  1. WaterFront
    WaterFront avatar
    103 posts
    23 April 2021

    Hi,

    My breakup happened almost a year ago. It was sudden, unexpected and not initiated by me. I was in shock for about four months and then fairly depressed for a good five months. I have been struggling with the feelings that come with being rejected. There was a bit of back and forth - mostly respectful and civilised - from both of us. I have processed all of this and while still sad about my loss, I was feeling a bit better. I haven’t talked to anyone about the situation or about how I have been feeling and can’t actually.

    Then she recently started texting me, my birthday and so on. She is trying to be kind I think as she knows how badly I was affected and there is no chance of a reconciliation as she left me for someone else who she is still happily with. I don’t want that either. We had been friends for many years before we became involved.

    My problem is that her texts are upsetting me for days afterwards and I’m trying to decide whether to ‘block’ her, and if I do, whether I should tell her that’s what I’m doing and why I’m doing it.

    I would really like some advice on what to do about this.

  2. Willow Jude
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Willow Jude avatar
    31 posts
    23 April 2021 in reply to WaterFront

    Hi WaterFront, and welcome to the forums

    While I don't have experience with this kind of situation personally, I thought I could offer some insight into what I would do. If you would really like to keep communication open with your ex-partner, is there something you can do to help you cope better with the texts? I know you said you couldn't talk to someone about it, but a professional may be able to help if you're comfortable with that, or you might be able to do some work yourself on identifying why you're feeling the way you are and how to manage it. If you think it's better to not have that communication with your ex-partner (which is a totally fine decision to make - you need to look out for yourself), I would explain how you're feeling to them and let them know that you'd prefer to not to have any contact for the time being. Hopefully they'd understand and would no longer reach out, but if they don't you can block them. At least if you explain, it prevents them wondering why it's happened, or creating their own reason which could damage how they think of you. It also allows there to be the opportunity for you to remain cordial in the future if you reach a point where you would be comfortable with that.

    Wishing you all the best with this, and feel free to keep us updated.

    -WJ

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    10955 posts
    23 April 2021 in reply to WaterFront

    Dear WaterFront~

    I'd like to join Willow Jude in welcoming you here to the Forum. When you are unsure about things then coming here can be a very good idea.

    I'm afraid there is no timescale on the grief that comes about when a relationship ends, particularly if it was unexpected and your faith has been broken. The hurt can continue for a long time, and reminders in the way of texts or other contact can simply re-open the feelings.

    I'd agree with Willow Jude on both points, first asking you ex to stop - explaining why may well be enough. She may have felt that enough time has passed for you to be "over it" and a normal friendship as before could be resumed. If that does not work then I guess blocking is the next answer.

    This is of course only half the problem, the other half is for you to resume a normal social life not dominated by the past - more quickly, something that will be good for you.

    To reach that state I'd suggest starting by looking at a very good website - it does have councilors if you felt like using them, otherwise just see what tools and explanations are available there.

    https://griefline.org.au/resources/relationship-loss/

    Please let us know how you go

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  4. WaterFront
    WaterFront avatar
    103 posts
    24 April 2021 in reply to Croix

    Dear Willow Jade and Croix,

    Thank you so much for your advice. It has helped greatly and made me shift my thinking. Calmed me down I guess.

    I think the texts upset me because they open up the wounds. The rejection and loss, the idea that she is with someone else, that she stopped loving me. They make me ruminate and I go over everything in my mind. When we are not communicating, it's more low-level and sitting in the background and I can more easily (though not totally) distract myself. Work helps with that.

    I'm not a social person, not a 'talker', very private, so I find councillors/talking to professionals/resuming social life suggestions really difficult to consider or follow through on. I will check out the suggested website though. Thank you.

    'Blocking' is rather drastic, I know. I have decided not to 'block' or suggest 'no contact' for the moment after thinking about what you have both suggested and giving it some more of my own thought. I'm just going to let it lie for a bit and if she does text, try not to get consumed by it. If I do get consumed, I'll reconsider.

    I'm very sure we will never go back to being the friends we were before we got involved in a relationship, trust is gone. Not just the breakup but also some of her actions and comments afterwards. I suppose I'm still hanging on to the possibility even if it is by a thread though I know ultimately I couldn't or wouldn't accept her friendship again even if it was offered.

    Just talking about it here has made me feel a bit better - getting it said and being heard.

    Thank you.

  5. geoff
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    geoff avatar
    16254 posts
    24 April 2021 in reply to WaterFront

    Hello WaterFront, welcome also to the site.

    Whether she feels sightly sorry that this breakup has happened, it has, and she's with someone else, but the possibility of not being together again, and if you don't text her for her birthday, then she will wake up and know that you don't want to be texted by her anymore and there may be other occasions that you once enjoyed when together, that no communication between either of you has happened.

    This again will indicate to her not to contact you, she can't necessarily have a partner and still contact her last one, especially in these circumstances is not appropriate.

    If you do have the courage to see a counsellor, then perhaps write down the main points on some paper, then you can hand this over to them, this helps you to overcome being nervous.

    Good Luck.

    Geoff.

    2 people found this helpful
  6. WaterFront
    WaterFront avatar
    103 posts
    24 April 2021 in reply to geoff
    Hi Geoff,

    It was kind of complicated.

    We were friends for 15 years and then exclusively more than friends for a further 5 years. 20 years is a long time to be really close to someone. We never lived together. I think now that in her mind we were ‘friends with benefits’ and in mine we were ‘in a relationship’. A classic case of lack of communication - I wish she had told me this sooner as then maybe I would not have gotten so invested.

    When I think about all of this now, I think I was who she was with while she was waiting for a ‘real’ person/relationship. When she told me via phone that she had met someone else, she couldn’t understand why this might be difficult for me and just expected me to go back to being her friend. Literally instantly. So, not only do I feel rejected, I also feel invalidated. This somehow makes it worse.

    Honestly, I think she is emotionally obtuse and just doesn’t get it. Anyway, I am feeling a bit better today and resolving to move forward from this. I will continue to not contact her (I’ve managed nine weeks so far) and respond politely when/if she contacts me. You are right, she will get the message. Even though the idea of never talking to her again makes me feel very sad, I know it is for the best - I’ve just got to put in the time/work to get over it.

    Thank you for listening.

    WaterFront.
    1 person found this helpful
  7. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    10955 posts
    24 April 2021 in reply to WaterFront

    Dear Waterfront

    I do not think it was a case of miss-communication, I suspect it was more the case of two completely different types of people. For her 'friends with benefits' might be an acceptable and normal way to behave, without any deep commitment undertaken or implied.

    For you however the 'benefits' had a lot more meaning and as a result it was heart-breaking when you found that all along your love and affection was not returned to the same degree, you were a shallower part of her life.

    I'm not saying this as a criticism of anyone, there is room in the world for all people, its just unfortunate such instances will inevitably occur.

    While I would have to agree if you feel blocking is going too far then you are the person on the spot and the best judge of your reactions, however I would suggest thinking about it, after all each new contact does cause you considerable grief and most possibley puts off your entering more fully into social life.

    Trust of this sort once broken highlights the differences between you and even if you go back together you might well always have a feeling things could go wrong again - not a good path to wholehearted commitment.

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  8. WaterFront
    WaterFront avatar
    103 posts
    25 April 2021 in reply to Croix

    Thank you Croix,

    Since I have not spoken to anybody about this situation I'm in, I'm sure I have become fixed in my thinking. It has been very helpful to me to look at it from other people's perspectives. Seeing it from different angles which is helping me to understand what has happened.

    I had a bit of an emotional spiral today but managed to pull myself out of it. I have found the 'serenity prayer' really effective - what I can control and what I can't control and knowing the difference. I expect the 'ups and downs' will continue for a while yet.

    It has helped me a lot to just be able to talk about it here and get some support.

    WaterFront.

  9. geoff
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    geoff avatar
    16254 posts
    25 April 2021 in reply to WaterFront

    Hello WaterFront, thanks for getting back to us.

    Losing a friend after 20 years is definitely a long time and I certainly, understand your disappointment, unfortunately, friendship's can change over the years and we can never predict what will happen tomorrow or how someone is feeling, and all of a sudden what you think may or may not happen can be totally off guard, that's something we didn't want to happen.

    The connection between the two of you will slowly disappear as she develops relationships, whether it's with this current person or another one as she attaches herself to them, this will help you to be able to move on with your own life.

    Geoff.

    2 people found this helpful
  10. Croix
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    Croix avatar
    10955 posts
    25 April 2021 in reply to WaterFront

    Dear WaterFront~

    I'm glad we have been able to give you some perspective other than your own. Trying to cope in isolation is very hard, and one can easily make assumptions and be locked into a way of thinking.

    The Serenity Prayer contains a lot of wisdom, as on other unrelated occasions does the Desiderata, both of which I have on my kitchen wall.

    Of curse there will be ups and downs, however if you can bring yourself to be more active socially, and as new events take place in you life, those downs will be less as other things occupy your mind.

    Understanding and reacting to that prayer reveals you have wisdom and your grief shows you loving nature, golden assets another will treasure.

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Guest_3256
    Guest_3256 avatar
    324 posts
    4 May 2021 in reply to WaterFront

    Hi buddy.

    I just want you to that you are not alone and your situation is very common, actually, more common than not. As long as you feel safe and okay, know that you do not have to respond at all and it's totally fine for you to block and ignore her. There is a catch - from what you have stated about your ex, it is not healthy in any way or form to do what she had done and people who cannot keep one relationship consistent usually have difficulties with their behaviors i.e. personality illness. So just tread lightly, take it slowly, you do not need to even respond to her if she makes you feel uncomfortable - there's someone else out there that belongs in your life, if she did, she wouldn't have done the dash.

    1 person found this helpful
  12. WaterFront
    WaterFront avatar
    103 posts
    5 May 2021 in reply to Guest_3256
    Hi Jsua,

    Thank you for checking in on me and for offering your take on my situation. I’m really beginning to understand that this is not an uncommon situation. Sadly.

    I have come to realise that her affection for me was more superficial than my own and to deal with the knowledge that she was just able to walk away easily and quickly. I’m trying to cope with that and just processing.

    I’m only just getting used to her not being in my life anymore (after a whole year) as we used to talk and text multiple times every single day when we were not able to see each other. It’s difficult to get used to her absence.

    I find myself continually thinking about what happened, what was said and done by her and I’m trying to find ways to block it out and reset my thoughts. Honestly, it is like a ‘loop’ that goes round and round in my head. When I’m at work I can distract myself but not so much during downtime.

    Any suggestions for distraction techniques, changing my mindset would be appreciated beyond ‘getting out more’ which I find difficult. I have found talking on this forum and reading other people’s stories, and the advice given, very helpful.

    WaterFront.
  13. Croix
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    Croix avatar
    10955 posts
    5 May 2021 in reply to WaterFront

    Dear WaterFront~

    It is very hard to get out of the mindset that centers on this person, I've no real alternatives to what I said before except that when my mind is locked in a loop I find the following free smartphone app highly effective in breaking the chain of thoughts and leaving me calmer.

    It's called Smiling Mind, and while it tales a little practice works surprisingly well. There are all sorts of exercises catering to different sorts of people and also children.

    https://www.smilingmind.com.au/

    I have found one that keeps on reminding me to focus - I have a very short attention span:).

    Even the 2 minute demo is good.

    Hope this helps

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  14. WaterFront
    WaterFront avatar
    103 posts
    2 June 2021

    Hi,

    Here I am again needing support and hoping for some words of encouragement. I had been doing really well. Kind of. Keeping busy at least. I took on board the advice this wonderful community was kind enough to offer. I have also been reading the threads of others and have found that helpful.

    I realised that I actually did not have to respond if it was making me upset. I have been responding (We share a small business together that she runs - so the limited communication we have had has been about that) though I haven't responded immediately - taken my time with it. I have also gone 103 days without initiating any contact - I figure I'm over it when I stop counting.

    Last night, we had a short text conversation for the first time not about business - nothing upsetting really but I suppose an 'I've moved on' tone from her -and again I have been upset all day thinking about it. I know it's over.

    I guess I'm just sad and wanted to express my sadness somewhere.

    Thanks for listening.

    WaterFront

  15. Guest_3256
    Guest_3256 avatar
    324 posts
    2 June 2021 in reply to WaterFront

    Hi Buddy.

    Reading over your posts, sounds like you have been really focusing on you which is fantastic. Know that your feelings and thoughts are not real, especially when we feel this way or a loss of a relationship. My best advise - be happy as much as you can and let her see your glow.

    Keep doing you my friend, you are better than you realize and you do sound like a beautiful soul.

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    10955 posts
    2 June 2021 in reply to WaterFront

    Dear WaterFront~

    I guess it is a pity the two of you do have to communicate about business, which in the past may have given you hopes things could go back to how they were.

    Now you have said "I know it's over" and that is indeed sad, and that talk would have made you feel the loss.

    I'm not sure what is best, counting those days (which shows I beleive it is still too large a part of you life) and keep things to a minimum or being sad and have casual conversions to see if after a while that sadness lessens.

    What do you think?

    You have had good advice here, to try to live a bigger life again, both keeping yourself physically healthy with exercise, nutrition and so on, but just as importantly broadening your horizons with a full social life and doing things that you can get absorbed in and enjoy - even look forward to.

    It gets better

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  17. WaterFront
    WaterFront avatar
    103 posts
    2 June 2021

    Hi Jsua and Croix,

    Thank you for stepping in and providing support. Your observations have made me feel more settled in my mind. Just what I needed in this moment.

    WaterFront

  18. geoff
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    16254 posts
    3 June 2021 in reply to WaterFront

    Hello WaterFront, maybe this small business together could be keeping some type of anticipation going, so are you able to either buy or sell out, this may help resolve the problem.

    Just remember you need to look after yourself.

    Geoff.

  19. WaterFront
    WaterFront avatar
    103 posts
    3 June 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff,

    You are exactly right. Part of me wants the small contact the business brings while at the same time it unsettles me and causes me to yearn.

    It's about me 'letting go' of someone who is already gone and the longer I delay that, the longer it is going to take to feel better.

    My head knows that, I'm just trying to get my heart on board. Not wanting to admit to myself that it's final I suppose and delaying taking the final step of leaving the business and fully disconnecting even though she has disconnected from me.

    Talking the whole thing through here, instead of being in my own head, has helped me.

    I know it gets better. I'm better now than I was say 6 months ago, or a year ago and I know this 'getting over it' will continue. Just wish it would hurry up and get there - I'm mostly doing what I can to help it get there.

    Thank you for your advice, Geoff.

    WaterFront

  20. jtjt_4862
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    jtjt_4862 avatar
    349 posts
    3 June 2021 in reply to WaterFront

    Hi WaterFront,

    Reading your post and seeing how you're progressing and better yourself, I'm really happy for you! Keep it up my friend, you're a fantastic person, and you deserve better (and if you start to realize this sooner yourself, it will help you tremendously). Fill your days with things that you love to do, find new challenges to do and work on accomplishing those challenges, make new friends or reconnect with the ones that you couldn't when you were with her. Life only gets better from here on, regardless of whether you're with or without her. I believe in you, stay strong and enjoy life!

    Jt

  21. WaterFront
    WaterFront avatar
    103 posts
    3 June 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Hi Jt,

    When I read your reply post, I literally felt 'lifted up'. Your words raised me up and made me feel positivity. I am going to carry them around with me in my head and heart for a while now.

    I'll do the same with the kind and encouraging comments from Jsua, Croix and Geoff over the last day when I have re-reached out for support.

    I am very grateful. Thank you.

    WaterFront

  22. geoff
    Life Member
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    16254 posts
    4 June 2021 in reply to WaterFront

    Hello WaterFront, all you want is to feel better, whatever that may mean to you, but each day something happens that can make you see a little bit further, days or part of your day is different to how it was a while ago, you may laugh at what you were unable to, especially when all those around were laughing like crazy, now you're able to join them.

    We must remember that love can be mixed up with pain and grief and that losing someone we once loved is not easy but it can change in many different ways as a relationship seems to go in opposite directions, not necessarily on purpose, but definitely can change for many unknown reasons.

    What this means is that you are strong enough to develop your own ideas and to rekindle is not an option, you will find your own ability to move past this.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  23. WaterFront
    WaterFront avatar
    103 posts
    26 January 2022 in reply to geoff

    Hi All,

    I posted on another thread though I don't think anyone saw it so I decided to revive my own thread. Truthfully, I don't really want to come back to this thread and go over it all again but over the last couple of days I have been struggling with my feelings.

    I have been given really good advice here about ways to move on, looking after myself, finding new interests, finding ways to give kindness to others rather than looking for love from someone who no longer does, 'Blocking' her. It's been 20 months now. I have followed all of this advice and have been finding myself starting to feel better and I guess recovering though I still find it very difficult to think about.

    Then she contacted me a couple of days ago saying that she had been waiting for 20 months for me to come back (as a friend) and I said I wish I could but I can’t. She wanted to know if I wanted to come to her wedding to which I said no. It was a fairly emotionally exhausting three hour text conversation that I tried to leave once because I was getting upset. I told her it takes different people different amounts of time to get over things.

    She just doesn’t get it. Doesn’t understand why I’m feeling hurt. Then she got assertive about the business we share and she runs, that she wants to take ownership of. I have been totally 'hands off' on the business this whole time. I provided her with two alternatives that I thought were fairer and would give her the result she wanted and I have been waiting for her to get back to me.

    Just when I was starting to feel a bit better (relatively) and was more able to sit with it and accept the way things are, back she pops and unsettles me again - and leaves me hanging - which is her habit.

    I’ve spent the last few days feeling awful and having the whole thing swirling around in my head again. I did nothing for two days except get out of bed and get dressed. Like a giant leap backwards. I have been journalling like crazy just to get the thoughts out of my head and that has helped. I go back to work in a couple of days and I'm hoping throwing myself into that will distract me further.

    I'm just feeling sad about it all and wanted to express that somewhere. Thank you for listening. It helps. I suppose I just want someone to say 'Yeah, that sucks' like an acknowledgment of my feelings.

    WF

  24. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
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    jtjt_4862 avatar
    349 posts
    27 January 2022 in reply to WaterFront

    Hi WaterFront,

    It's okay to be taking steps backwards. Sometimes we're met with regression, and we tend to see that as ourselves failing to our old ways. But it's still growth and a learning lesson for us, so we can pick ourselves up again and keep moving forward.

    It's certainly a tough spot for you to be in since you're both still connected through the business that you both have been running together. Until you're completely out of that joined business with her, you may have to deal with her again about the business, which sucks. Not all relationships can end with a mutually beneficial agreement, and as you said, everyone recovers from a heartbreak at a different rate. Some may never be able to heal thru fully, but we learn to adapt and live thru our lives with scars. You've been doing great with adapting while bearing the scars from someone who once meant the world to you, but it really sucks knowing that a great person like you will have to continue on living life with those scars :(. I'm sorry to hear that...

    Keep going with what you feel is best for yourself. I hope she will consider the alternatives that you've proposed to her about the business. Though it might not be a bad idea if she takes complete ownership of the business, which ensures that you will never have to hear from her again. But I'm not sure what your income situation is like, and whether you are in a position to completely let go of the business.

    We're here for you if you'd like to chat more :)

    Jt

    1 person found this helpful
  25. WaterFront
    WaterFront avatar
    103 posts
    27 January 2022 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Thank you Jt. It really helps having your words of support and encouragement.

    The journalling has been my best friend over the last couple of days as I can write down all my thoughts and feelings and then not send them and not communicate with her.

    Moving forward again, though I think you are right about the scars for me. Time will tell.

    WF

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