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Topic: Rocket Science

  1. Girl_Anachronism
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    10 May 2014

    It feels like rocket science would be simpler than life at the moment. No song lyrics, no quotes, just melancholy for you all. 

    It feels like life is so hard. It has been a week since the separation from my husband. It feels like it has been two weeks, if not longer. Every day goes at different speeds, fast when I am anxious, or actually accomplishing things and then out of nowhere a great big wave of depression will come. It will hit me and i will stand there, unable to move. everything feels like pain. I'll go from cooing, if a little manic and shaking uncontrollably to crying.

    Why does it have to hurt so much, at the end of a relationship? I don't even want to be with him, I don't even want to go back to him. Yet it hurts and another part of me says I still love him. Just waking up this morning, thinking about what to do, reminds me of the things we use to do to fill our weekends. It reminds me that relationship, that time, is over. I won't be doing those things again, with that same feeling of creating something bigger than the two of us. 

    I guess I grieve not for him, but for what we had, what it could have been. When does it stop hurting? How can I get there now? I don't like existing right now, the pain comes in these inconsolable waves that paralyse me. 

    Seven years of my life. Gone. 

    GA

    "So tired of the straight line/ And everywhere you turn there's vultures and thieves at your back/ Don't make no difference/ Escaping one last time/ it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh/  This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees"

    Angel, Sarah Mclachlan

  2. Neil_1
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    10 May 2014 in reply to Girl_Anachronism

    Dear GA

    Thank you for providing this post - but I almost didn't click on it because knowing it was from you and the heading you provided, I was thinking, oh my goodness, GA will be providing words in here that I will have to google to find out what they mean.  :)  :)  Simply, you really do impress me absolutely no end.  I feel honoured to be posting to you.   I'm not being stupid here, I'm just being honest.

    GA, let me break this down - it's been just ONE week - 7 days.  The feelings that you're experiencing are totally expected.  7 days away, after experiencing and living 7 years.  Quite poignant really - but you know, I'm damn proud of you - your relationship/your marriage just was not working and you knew that.  You've up and done something that a hell of a lot of people would be sitting back and thinking, bloody hell, if only I had the guts to do that.  But you've done it.

    At the moment, GA, it's as raw as hell - and yes, you'll be having these thoughts and feelings of gee, at this time last week, or this time last year, we'd be doing xy and z.  That's human nature and only someone with no soul, no feeling at all would be absolutely ok right at this time.

    Yes, it is a grieving process, but can I please bring you to task on another thing you wrote.  You wrote, 7 years of your life - gone.  No no no - we live, we experience things and we live.  Your last 7 years of marriage was one chapter of your life.  And for sure, it probably wasn't the best thing that could have possibly happened, but at the same time, it wasn't something that was a waste.  No way - it is part of who you are.  Through that, you grew, you had birthday's, you experienced life to differing levels, but you still experienced.  Ok, so at the end, it didn't work out as you would have hoped - BUT it is something that you lived through and experienced.  But GA, a waste - oh no, it wasn't.  If you still doubt that, please please let me know and I'll try another avenue to approach - and yes, I'd love to know your thoughts on what I've written just in this last para alone.

    GA, the feelings you're having - yes, they're real and it is what happens at the end of relationships - major relationships - any relationship - but think back - think back to oh I don't know, when things started turning not so good.  Think back and what was it like - each day, each week for you.  This is the key part for you right now - yes, you're experiencing emotions and sadness, but what was the driving force for you to be where you are now? 

    GA, I'm sorry, I've probably rattled on too much tonight - but can I just say again, that I'm really proud of you for what you've done - massively proud.

    Please take care and I do look forward to hearing back from you.

    Kind regards

    Neil

     

     

  3. Jo3
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    10 May 2014 in reply to Girl_Anachronism

    Hi GA

    I just want to say that I agree with what Neil has written to you.

    You are brave and strong for you have done something that is so difficult for you at the moment but I am sure that things will work out okay for you in the near future.

    Sending you lots of hugs, positive happy thoughts and a big smile for you, just you GA my friend

    Take care

    Jo xx

  4. Girl_Anachronism
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    11 May 2014 in reply to Neil_1

    "And I have the sense to recognise/ That i don't know how to let you go/  Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul/ I'm ever swiftly moving trying to escape this desire/ The yearning to be near you/ I do what I have to do.."

    Do What You Have To Do, Sarah Mclachlan 

    Hi  Neil, 

    You know I was trying to remember why I named this post that. I think it was some obtuse train of thought jnvolving the childrens show on in the background and how hard it was not to just curl up. I can't even cry. I wish I could. 

    I wish time would go faster. I guess  love wouldn't be love without pain and betrayal, to paraphrase one of my favourite TED talks.  You don't get the highs without the lows. I have just had so many lows lately, I'm wondering where the light to my darkness went. It seems to have run out of batteries. 

    I think in the long run, I won't see these years as a waste. I guess at the end of it, they are the past and I can do nothing to change that it happened. It doesn't stop me wishing I could. Yes there were good parts of the relationship, yes I learned things, yes I grew as a person but I do regret not leaving a month ago. I knew then, I think that I had serious doubts about our relationship. I even almost broke up then. He just sucked me back in. Yes, it was an experience. The perfectionist in me says I shouldn't have taken so long to end it. I gave all I could to try and save it, and myself. 

    In the end there was no personal growth, no future, no trust left. If I had stayed with him, I wouldn't have been alive by the end of the year. This, as painful as it is on my own, is my best shot at beating this. And that is what drove me to do it, along with his behaviour towards me and others. I couldn't smile and go along with it anymore. Now he has turned on me, denying me bond when it was joint money whike at the same time saying that  payment for laser eye surgery years ago wasnt joint money. And demanding I clean the house to get the bond back. 

    Either it was joint money, all of it or none of it was. He can't have me pay debts and take all the profit. I am not going to clean the house for a bond I am not going to get. 

    You are right, its raw as hell right now. I wish I could just turn off the pain, for a little while. I wish random songs on the radio or completely unrelated comments would stop sending my emotions spiralling in the other direction.

    I know it wil get better. I know this is the right thing. I know this is what love is, the darker side of it. 

    But why does it have to hurt so damned much?

    GA

    " A glowing ember, burning hot, burning slow/  Deep within I'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you/I know I can't be with you/ I do what I have to do..."

  5. Girl_Anachronism
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    11 May 2014 in reply to Jo3

    Hi Jo, 

    Thank you, just thank you. You are able to think of me when you aren't in a good state yourself. I think it says miles about you. I guess if our partners and friends can't understand, than at least I can rely on people on here to.

    It may not stop the world from exploding, but at least I am watching it explode with someone else who can see the chaos.

    GA

  6. geoff
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    11 May 2014 in reply to Girl_Anachronism

    dear GA, so much happens while I'm asleep and can't join the conversation until the next day, never mind that's how I live I suppose.

    Can I say that everything will settle down, hard to believe I know, but the same happened with me, a new world, a new life. and a new beginning, that just seemed to drop on our door step, but you choose yours, and that takes courage, an enormous amount that had to be taken into account, and probably the best, and I say probably because there were other matters that may have needed to be sorted out, and they will be done, or forgotten about.

    The time will come when you will feel a total release from this previous relationship, as you say 'you should have done it a month ago', but now it's done, and that's good for you, so all your thoughts and decisions are all yours to make all by yourself, and I can tell you that this feeling is unbelievable, no one to argue with, so just relax and let your mind open up again. L Geoff. x

  7. Girl_Anachronism
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    11 May 2014 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff,

    Your unusual hours also mean that you can be online when alot of us are not and so it is not an entirely bad thing.  Just as the same as my night owl habits and time difference mean that I wake up later to those eastern states and go to bed later.

    I guess my proble  is compounded as I have never really lived on my own. I lived with my parents, my mother when they separated and then with my ex. While I had freedoms living with my mother, I never really knew what it was to come home and change what you were making for dinner because it was only you eating it and you felt like something different. I dont even know how to make a meal for one.

    So when it comes to times like this, people would reset to their habits when they were alone, a bachelor lifestyle. I don't have those habits. For all that I am an introvert and spend time away from other people, I don't know what it is like to live alone, with only myself to please. I don't know who I am, away from the trauma and pain of my past, away from other people.

    What if I don't like who I am?  What if I discover some awful truths about myself, alone?

    What if I am not the person I thought I was and can't stand to be alone? What if I am not as self sufficient as I think? I blame this period of needing support on mental illness, and think that deep down if I can just beat this, I can be alone and self sufficient and the strong person part of me thinks I am. What if I am wrong about that?

    There all these uncertainties, I don't know how to proceed with the future. What do I want to do with my life? Who do I want to be?

    My friend gave me the car keys yesterday and said if I needed to get out of the house, I could take the car and go. I froze, unxure of where or what to do. Could I physicalky leave the house? Yes. Could I drive? Yes. Did I knkw what I wanted to do out there? No. I walked around some local shops and it took  ean hohr to make a small decision on a purchase. A purchase that woukd only affect me, but it was just so hard to make that decision.  

    What am I? Who am I, when people turn away and the music stops? 

    GA

  8. Neil_1
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    11 May 2014 in reply to Girl_Anachronism

    The lovely GA wrote:

    "I dont even know how to make a meal for one."

    I say, don't.  Continue to make the meal for two - then put one in the fridge and you've got tomorrow night's dinner taken care of.  :)

    Neil

     

  9. geoff
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    12 May 2014 in reply to Girl_Anachronism

    dear GA, it was hard for to start with cooking for one, well actually it was two, because of my puppies and always made sure that they were fed first, funny that because I would cook a roast which was easy open up the oven and put it in, with potatoes peeled or not, pumpkin and so on the easier the better.

    When it was done I would look at Tessie and now Moo-Moo and ask them if I could just have a slice.

    I do exactly as what Neil has said, cook for at least a couple of nights, it's a different life style and for you a much better one, but occasionally your mind will return to the past several years, but what you have to understand is that you had to leave, and this was a great decision by you. L Geoff. x

  10. Girl_Anachronism
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    12 May 2014 in reply to geoff

    Hi guys, 

    Even if I was broke I would make sure my kitties get fed. If anything, I spoil them too much. One is developing a little pot belly. She is curled at my feet as I type. 

    I know it was the right decision. It just feels like there is a hole in my chest, and all the hugs from others won't fill it and every tear makes it sting all the worse. How do you fix the whole someone leaves in your life? Do you put something in its place, or do you build around it? 

    I'm just so sad and hurting right now. And I don't know how to fix it, I don't know how to make it feel better. 

    GA

    "How the hell does a broken heart get back together when its torn apart? Teach itself to start beating again..."

    Bluebird, Christina Perri

  11. Neil_1
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    12 May 2014 in reply to Girl_Anachronism

    Dear GA

    I was going to be flippant here and provide a comical response - well, it was going to make me smile - but I'm sensing that this isn't the time.

    So apart from that, I really don't have anything constructive to say in this post, which isn't good.  GA, can I just check - you are now living with a 'friend', yes??   Which is that you aren't alone at the moment, or are you?  And I'm really sorry if you've already said this, but I'm just wanting to confirm.

    I wish I had something positive for you - but at this time, it's really early days and the only thing I can think of to say is:  "Just remember back to the last few months and how it was for you".  The decision is right - it will just take time to get through this period.

    Please take care GA

    Neil

     

  12. Girl_Anachronism
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    12 May 2014 in reply to Neil_1

    Hi Neil,

    Yes I am living with a friend. Two friends really, since it is her and her husband. There are also kids around, which is either a good or bad thing depending on how my mood is, how strong a mask I can put up and what mood they are in.

    Doing the best I can, but is it ok if just go back under the doona and not come out for a week? The split is turning very nasty now, on hisenf. He cut off my phone instead of authorising in the right name so I could transfer it to mine. I guess at least this way I'll get a new number which I won't give to him. That's something right? 

    It's something. Good or bad I can't tell any more. I am just so tired. Can this be over already?

    Five hours sleep is not enough to deal with this.

    GA

  13. Bridge
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    13 May 2014 in reply to Girl_Anachronism

    hey GA

    just dropping you a line to let you know im still here, still reading, still cheering you on from the sidelines.

    neil- i loved your reply about cooking for three and putting it in the fridge.  SO true.

    GA, you need to take that advice.  Its very good.  (now im sounding like my bossy mother..)

    however, hang out under the doona for a bit first. and sit in the sunshine if there is any and you feel like it.

    its not been long.  give yourself some space to adapt.

    hang in there!

    Bridge

  14. Girl_Anachronism
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    14 May 2014 in reply to Bridge

    Hi Bridge, 

    Today seemed to be better. I had a marathon ten hours sleep, a miracle for an insomniac like me and woke up hyper. I also woke up with a cat sprawled across my lap so I didn't move for two hours simply because she was too cute to disturb. Eventually my bladder took higher priority. 

    But I say hyper because I woke up with a natural, buzz or high. My head freaked out for a bit, because I haven't felt this for months, if not longer. I think it was happiness but I am not entirely sure. I don't remember when I woke with this feeling last. 

    I am definitely better without him. I will beat this. Or die trying right? Either way the brain chemistry lottery rolled some good numbers and so I capitalised on it, get a new phone number which He doesn't have and caught up on the phone with my mum and via text with my sister. We are catching up tomorrow to go shopping and dye my hair. 

    I dressed for once, completely free of black today. My friends said that I looked brighter, happier today and that they hadn't seen me dress this way, nor in a skirt for years. Thinking back its true. In the relationship, there as always that little bit of me that held back, that went conservative, that closed the shutters because of fear of what he might think. Relationships shouldn't be like that. 

    I also might be getting my new bedding this week. They have the designs I picked out at a local store. 

    You know I almost didn't post about it today, but the good days, rare as they are should be documented as well as the bad. 

    Today was a good day.

    GA

    "I woke up this morning, made a pot of coffee/ I went out on the stairs to sit in the sun/  I haven't been myself, I know I haven't been much fun/  But I woke up this morning and the air tastes different.."

    Ride This Feeling, Kate Miller-Heike

  15. Guest_3712
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    14 May 2014 in reply to Girl_Anachronism

    Hi GA.

    don't ask why just enjoy

    and as always

    Be kind to yourself

    (   shopping and hairdresser a great  start )

    Stressless

  16. Jo3
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    14 May 2014 in reply to Girl_Anachronism

    Hey GA

    I am smiling while reading your post.  You sound like you are in a much better place at the moment.  Shopping and getting your hair coloured - that's a good start.  Go for something different, different style and colour.

    I am happy for you, I think this is the new GA we will see on here. Hope you have another great day today.

    And it starts with baby steps, little steps and you will see the sun shine on you, oh I am happy for you GA.

    Enjoy your day today

    Thinking of you

    Jo xx

  17. Girl_Anachronism
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    14 May 2014 in reply to Jo3

    Today is so not a good day. 

    No hair colour, can't afford it. No shopping. I'm just a leech on other people. He took everything of value in the divorce, physically. He also took my dignity, my hope, my dreams, my pride. I have nothing left. 

     I must be a terrible person to have deserved him. I am a terrible person. 

    Yesterdays happiness was just a fleeting dream. Why do I bother to try? Why do I do anything?

    GA

  18. Girl_Anachronism
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    15 May 2014 in reply to Girl_Anachronism

    Psych appointment today. Harrowing but useful. Good day, then comhome to find one of my cats missing. I would give anything right now to make sure she is ok, and comes home. I have sent the word out on fb and will call local vets and cat shelters tomorrow. Food and clothes that smell like me just outside the house so she might not get lost, but we have only been here two weeks. 

    Just why life? I don't need these obstacles, I don't need to lose something else I love, one of the two family members that kept me going when nothing else did, and folowed me through the divorce.

    I just want my Sydney back. You can take everything else, but don't take my kitties.Please don't take them.

    GA

  19. Jo3
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    15 May 2014 in reply to Girl_Anachronism
    H
  20. Jo3
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    15 May 2014 in reply to Girl_Anachronism

    Hi GA

    Oh you poor thing, I hope and pray your Sydney comes back asap.  I am sending you some positiveness goodness that your beautiful cat comes back.

    GA you are NOT a terrible person, don't believe that for one minute.  You are a beautiful, intelligent, caring, strong person. I know right now you don't see this but from where you started on here you have grown so much and I can see so many changes in you.

    Sending you a big hug, praying for Sydney to come back

    Take care

    Jo xx

  21. Guest_3712
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    16 May 2014 in reply to Girl_Anachronism

    Hey GA,

    I am so sorry my friend that your kitty is missing.

    please keep the faith she will come back.

    you are not a terrible person - far from it. you are amazing in your compassion for others and I would thin that anyone that has you in their life would be very lucky indeed.

    your husband has not taken everything from you , your spirit and very essence of your soul may be a little bruised but not broken GA, you will rise through this.

    Take care

    Be kind to yourself

    Stressless

  22. Bridge
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    16 May 2014 in reply to Guest_3712

    AHHHHHH!  CATS!!!!!!!

    they always bugger off at the ABSOLUTE wrong moment.

    Im sure she will come back , she will be off exporing the new neighbourhood. However, you will have a terrible time worrying about her and thinking of all sorts of awful things that will have befallen her up until the exact moment she sticks her head around the door and says 'hey whats for tea?  this neighbourhood's ok after all!", as if nothing much has happened. CATS!

    my old cat did this to me in a very similar situation to yours.  he was ancient and slept on my bed all the time, going to have his tea was his big trip of the day.  one day he disappeared and I was beside myself.  he turned up late that night, totally notchelant.  I squeezed him so tight I thought I might pop a rib.  awful terrible cat who I am SO pleased to see!

    I hope by the time you read this said kitty has reappeared, safe and well.

     if not make sure you let all the shelters in the area (and even a bit outside it) know.  My current cat turned up 6 weeks after id lost her.   the local shelter who just happened to read through their list of lost cats for the last 2 months and gave me a ring (id given up).  glad they did.  shes asleep on the heater as I type. I love her to bits.

    however I am hijacking your thread with my cat stories.

    you had a good day a few days ago.

    this is a good thing. 

    and it sounds to me like your reinventing yourself a little too- new things, changing stuff like the way you dress etc.  that's good.  I think everyone needs to from time to time.

    good days wont happen everyday ( at least not for a while) but it will happen more and more often I think.  that seems to be how these things work.  I think its a very good sign, and the fact it didn't last more than a day, well, 6 hours of good day is better than 2 hours . and one good day in months of bad is better than none.

    just keep going.  I think its a pretty big step myself.  it' s a good change.

    you can do this!  just keep going..

    bridge

     

  23. ProfessorDepressor
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    16 May 2014
    Hi... Ive just started reading The Road Less Travelled, and there are a lot of confronting truths...or so it seems in there. You may know it or have read it but it explains why people act the way they do...including ourselves. It has helped me understand why my relationships haven't worked, and why life is such a challenge. It has given me some strength to face the world today. Maybe it could help you understand your loss and reaction to it.
  24. white knight
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    16 May 2014 in reply to Guest_3712

    Dear GA,

    I was married 11 years with two daughters then 7 and 4 and my dog.  I had no option but to leave through being emotionally abused by my then wife.  One week prior to leaving I was for the only time in my life- suicidal.

    I then had a 10 year defacto relationship, a lady I loved dearly but she had big issues with my daughters, the eldest that had come to live with us in particular. She was also a closet drinker (of course I had driven her to drink!). So I had to terminate the relationship even though I loved her.

    Neither of those breakups were easy.  The first one I ended up in a 3 metre caravan in a caravan park.  3 months of crying, barely able to work as my emotions took over and grieving for my lost full time fatherhood. Once I dropped of my girls to their mother and did the usual- walk 4 metres onto her land to pat my old dog. She told me I could no longer pat the dog. - heartbreaking and cruel.

    Then I found a block of land, spent every spare moment there ready to build my new home (by myself) and sharing that progress with my girls every second weekend. I found direction!   I also overcame all obstacles that were thrown at me- child support for example. My ex wife even told child support, on completion of the home I built with my own bare hands, that she deserved more money as "he has a brand new house".  I overcame those obstacles because I had that direction.....I had plans and nobody was going to kill them!!

    The second seraration I rented a house around the corner for 12 months and because of the first experience I knew that until I found a new direction I would continue to miss my lady more and more.  I again found a block of land. Had a garage erected and a firm to build my new cottage. Frankly I amde myself too busy to grieve. "Idle minds and doomed"

    Now that cottage is 5 years old. I married again 3 years ago to a close friend of 25 years. She was my ex brother in laws ex wife. I'd match made them 20 years earlier. She was also my daughters favourite auntie. I'm happy. But the memories of those emotional times post separation haunts me today.  It is soooo traumatic and soo potentially destructive.

    There seems a process......grief for your loss, emptiness, dealing with good memories etc. Often we forget how bad it really was with that person.  Then the second phase is what I call the "limbo" phase.  This is when nothing occurs, no progress no regress....nothing. Then the forward stage.  Its when you start a plan, a new beginning.  This could come in so many forms....as I had with buying land for my future. It could be a new man in your life, new friends, a cruise, a soul searching plan...anything that involves forward direction.

    These phases have various time scales and that depends on the individual so let them happen.  Some know I'm a poet. Usually its sad poetry but many are also positive as well as sad.  If one was to compare the poetry immediately post separation to 4 months down the track it is completely different.  Such is the depth of grief.

    Please dont allow the grief period to engulf you.  I too felt they were 11 years and 10 years "down the drain".  But once you finally break free of the "limbo" stage and move forward those years become experiences that make you wiser with clarity, calmer with greater knowledge and freedom with all the benefits....like meeting a partner you really do deserve.

    Cyber hug

  25. Neil_1
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    16 May 2014 in reply to Girl_Anachronism

    Hey there GA

    I’m so with the others on this – your husband may have taken physical things from you – but he has not taken your spirit, your soul, who you are – you’re still there and as mentioned before, it’s a huge thing to go through and something like this isn’t gotten over in one week – it’ll take time.

     I just don’t know what to say about Sydney, only to say that I hope she comes back – or is already back. 

    And you were so right in your earlier post – you just didn’t need something like this right now.

    Am thinking of you GA

    Kind regards

    Neil

  26. Girl_Anachronism
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    16 May 2014 in reply to white knight

    Thanks guys. 

    Still no sign of Sydney. She is skittish and spooks easily, so I am worried if she is even ok. In a strange way I am terrified to leave the house in caseshe comes back and I am not here. It helps that moving beyond my doona is far too much effort right now. 

    Mayflower,  my other kitty refuses to go anywhere without me. For a normally stand offish cat, I can tell she knows something is wrong. She also keeps checking Sydneys old spots and meowing at me when she isn't there. She knows something is wrong, something is missing. 

    I tell her, in a wbisper that I know, I miss her too. I hope she'll come home soon. I find myself staring at the back door, trying to will Sydney into reappearing.

    I had a phone call today from my OT. Some administrative things. I wasnt until she asked that I realised I hadnt eaten since breakfast yesterday. It took me a good five minutes to remember that I havent showered since two days ago. I am still in my pjs, bed hair and all. What an attractive mess I must be. 

    I was meant to go out with a friend tonight but I can't fathom getting out of bed let alone leaving the house and putting on a mask. I can't take more money from another friend, eeven if she wants to spend time with me. 

    My friend is in the house. I am safe. I just can barely string a thought together, let alone speak out loud. This post has taken more time to type than I'd like to admit.

    GA

  27. Girl_Anachronism
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Girl_Anachronism avatar
    899 posts
    16 May 2014 in reply to Girl_Anachronism

    Achievement unlocked: Had a shower.  

  28. Neil_1
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    Neil_1 avatar
    4232 posts
    16 May 2014 in reply to Girl_Anachronism

    Way to go GA.

    Two other things to put on your agenda please.

    a)   please please have something to eat - you can't not fuel your body - you need to eat so you'll have energy to 'wait for Sydney' and also to undertake item two on my agenda;

    b)  this is basically plagiarising Bridge's post - in that to let the local shelters know about this skittish little kitty of yours.

    And I have my fingers crossed to receive a post from you to say that Sydney is back.

    Kind regards

    Neil

     

  29. Jo3
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Jo3 avatar
    2269 posts
    16 May 2014 in reply to Girl_Anachronism

    Hey GA

    well done on getting up to have a shower. And like Neil suggested pls pls eat something, you need to refuel your body.

    GA, I really hope Sdyney comes back or is back by the time you read this.

    Take care

    Jo xx

  30. Jo3
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Jo3 avatar
    2269 posts
    17 May 2014 in reply to Jo3

    Hi GA

    Any news on Sydney? I was just thinking of you and wanted to say hi.

    Take care,

    Jo

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