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Forums / Relationship and family issues / Still in love with my ex who suffers from depression

Topic: Still in love with my ex who suffers from depression

16 posts, 0 answered
  1. bubbles85
    bubbles85 avatar
    20 posts
    26 July 2020

    My (f35) boyfriend (m29) ended our 8 month relationship about 2 months ago due to his depression. He was in a dark place and said he needed to work through it on his own. He had told me during the relationship about the fact he suffered from depression, but felt he wasn't strong enough to tell me his whole history with it. I never pushed and let him reveal things slowly as he felt comfortable.

    Everything in the relationship seemed to fall apart in only a 2 week span from the time I could see he was struggling to when he ended things.

    Over the last couple of months we still have been speaking sporadically and we work for the same company so I do still see him daily even if we do not speak.

    I've been really struggling with the break up as I am still in love with him. The time and space has done nothing to dull these feelings. We fell hard and fast into the relationship, it was my first major relationship and his first since the first time he was in a serious depressive state.

    I know he is in treatment and seems to have his good days and bad from what I can see when I see him around work.

    I really want to tell him about how I feel but I am terrified of being rejected again. I feel like I am currently in limbo because I don't want to be putting any pressure on him while he is still unwell, but my feelings for him are still so strong. I'm looking for advise on how to navigate this.

  2. AYRC
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    AYRC avatar
    8 posts
    26 July 2020 in reply to bubbles85

    Hi bubbles85

    I'm so sorry you've been feeling this way. It must be quite confusing to navigate. I can understand you would feel scared about how things turn out if you navigate it one way or another. Thanks for opening up about it here! Hopefully some of us can give some good advice.

    Personally, I think that mental health is definitely something that affects a relationship and it's always best to be honest about it. He probably ended the relationship because he does actually feel the need to have some space to work on himself. That could also be because he feels that to be good for you, he needs to work on himself first. It's definitely a difficult situation to be in when things are so uncertain but I feel that you should give it some time. Ultimately of course, it's your decision.

    Perhaps after a bit of space, you could open up and talk to him honestly about how you feel. I know it must be a bit daunting not knowing how he'll respond, but let him know what you told us on the forums in terms of the fact that you still have feelings for him and you want to support him but you are finding it difficult and don't want to put pressure on him. Hopefully things work out ok for you, but let us know!

  3. bubbles85
    bubbles85 avatar
    20 posts
    26 July 2020 in reply to bubbles85
    Further to my above comment about the relationship falling apart in 2 weeks, i do really mean 2 weeks. We have one mutual friend who knows about his depression and she told me that she had told him only a month before he ended things that he was the best she had ever seen him and he agreed with her. So this latest depression came on suddenly.
  4. Tay100
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Tay100 avatar
    647 posts
    26 July 2020 in reply to bubbles85

    Hi bubbles85

    Welcome to the forums, we understand posting in times like this can be hard, and we recognise that.

    I'm sorry to hear of your relationship breakdown- whilst many people go through this, dealing with the reality of it can be overwhelming and emotions can be high.

    It sounds this person needed some space just to deal with things they were going through themselves- but this can, of course, have an impact on you and that's valid. Perhaps this is an opportunity for you to focus on yourself too. How can you nurture yourself, and grow to be a better person? You can still be there for this person and still provide yourself compassion- it's tricky, but it's important and can be done. What has the relationship taught you? How can you grow and become more self-aware in light of what has happened? How can you practise self-compassion and self-love? Seeking out professional help can be a great way to facilitate this too.

    Sending kindness,

    Tay100

  5. bubbles85
    bubbles85 avatar
    20 posts
    1 August 2020

    Thanks for the replies. We haven't spoken yet, but I have asked him that we do speak when he is having a good day and he has agreed to this. It does put the ball in his court, but I didn't want to spring anything on him and it gives me time to know exactly what I want to say.

  6. Tay100
    Champion Alumni
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    Tay100 avatar
    647 posts
    2 August 2020 in reply to bubbles85
    That sounds like a positive and productive move on your behalf. You are right- it puts the ball in his court. In the time, you can think about what you want to get across, yes, as well as focus on yourself. Engage in some self-care and nourish yourself emotionally. What might this look like for you?
  7. bubbles85
    bubbles85 avatar
    20 posts
    2 August 2020 in reply to Tay100
    I thankfully live in a state where we aren't too restricted due to COVID-19 so I am back doing things I love. Catching up with friends, going to watch the footy. Walking really helps clear my mind too
  8. bubbles85
    bubbles85 avatar
    20 posts
    19 August 2020 in reply to Tay100

    So we spoke and it did not go well. He is still completly closed off and I'm just heartbroken

    I have spoken over the last couple of months to a couple of therapists but I just felt the first one didn't tell me anything I didn't already know, and the second I just felt worse after than I did before. I suppose just talking to someone could help though

  9. bubbles85
    bubbles85 avatar
    20 posts
    19 August 2020 in reply to bubbles85
    And the hard part is, even as I was leaving I'm hoping that our conversation hasn't caused him and distress even though I was
  10. Tay100
    Champion Alumni
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    647 posts
    21 August 2020 in reply to bubbles85

    Hi bubbles85

    I'm sorry to hear the conversation didn't go as well as you'd hoped- that can happen and it does suck. Whatever distress he feels because of the conversation, only he can deal with his feelings- the best thing you can do is look after you. That's what you can control. So, it's good that you have persisted with therapists- because you are right, talking to someone, especially a professional, can help. Sometimes you just have to find the right one and that can take time for a number of reasons. I encourage you to keep doing this and the other self-care things you mentioned. Walking is so underrated and has a host of benefits, so continue that. Thankfully, you've said covid isn't impacting your home to much, that's lovely to hear.

    Keep us updated,

    Tay100

  11. bubbles85
    bubbles85 avatar
    20 posts
    24 December 2020 in reply to bubbles85
    So I'm still struggling with how I feel about my ex. We have limited contact, but everytime I think I'm starting to feel somewhat normal, we have a slight, meaningless interaction at work and all my feelings come flooding back. I've heard through third parties he is still really struggling with his mental health so I know I can't speak to him and need to move on from our relationship but it's just so hard when I still have to see him. We have been split up almost as long as we were together, but my feelings haven't dissipated.

    Any tips? I've tried to keep my distance but it's hard with the configuration of the office. I still physically see him even if we don't interact. And I know he notices me too. Leaving my job really is the last option as I really enjoy what I do and there is limited places to move to that would allow me to do the same type of role
  12. Tay100
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Tay100 avatar
    647 posts
    26 December 2020 in reply to bubbles85

    Hi bubbles85

    It can be really hard when a fair chunk of time has passed, and your feelings haven't dissolved as much as you'd like. Being together at work doesn't help with moving on either, as you say. Even though you have been broken up for a while, try to not put to much pressure on yourself to feel 'a certain way' by now. Healing, authentic healing, often happens in its own time, especially with things like this, and we are in circumstances where we have to see them. Try affirmations of self-compassion when you have an interaction with him, and repeat these phrases and those feelings resurface. Acknowledge what you feel and don't try and suppress it. Distract yourself with enjoyable elements of your work, so you associate work with positive distraction, and not with being around him.

    Let us know how that goes,

    Tay100

  13. bubbles85
    bubbles85 avatar
    20 posts
    19 March 2021 in reply to Tay100
    It has been 8 months since we split and I'm still struggling with my feelings. And I don't want to feel this way anymore, I want to move on but still everytime we interact the feelings are still there. We had started messaging but can barely make eye contact when we actually see each other. I can't talk to him as I can't handle the rejection again. I need to move on but it's hard
  14. Guest_3256
    Guest_3256 avatar
    324 posts
    19 March 2021 in reply to bubbles85

    Hi bubbles85.

    I can resinate with you on this as I was recently in your position, actually more so an ongoing 2 year push/pull or otherwise known as the carrot chasing the stick. I am not sure exactly the full brunt of your situation, however, if you have already tried to communicate your support/desires/needs and he still is not doing anything about his [depression], then I would best understand that this is more about him then it is about you.

    I want to let you know that this is a common situation in unhealthy people. I do not believe in unhealthy relationships. It's an unhealthy person that unbalances the dynamics of a relationship. Let's peal back the complex stuff.

    When there is what I like to call an unbalanced relationship (use an analogy if you'd like), it is mostly caused by one person who is having difficulties with accepting themselves as a person or in simple terms, do not value themselves.

    Now, the golden rule is, if one does not value themselves, then they do not value others, if because of this, they cannot commit to themselves so therefore they cannot commit to others. They both tie in with each other.

    I want you to know that you have the courage to make the best and most appropriate and healthiest decision for yourself and only you can do that. If you cut this person off, don't beat yourself over it because you have shown that you are a compassionate and beautiful person and for also reaching out for advise. That is something that a healthy person values - support from others.

    Keep your chin up and smile.

  15. bubbles85
    bubbles85 avatar
    20 posts
    23 March 2021 in reply to Guest_3256

    Thanks for your reply. I'm trying to have the courage to choose me, but every time I do something I worry about his reaction. Even when I know what I'm doing is what is healthy for me.

    This is my first breakup where i was genuinely in love with the guy and in love when it ended. I just thought by now I'd be doing better than i am
  16. Guest_3256
    Guest_3256 avatar
    324 posts
    6 April 2021 in reply to bubbles85

    Hey bubbles85.

    I believe that you are worried about his reaction because you love him which is totally normal and healthy and because you might be walking on egg shells. I personally wouldn't sweat on it to much.

    As long as you have provided that level of support, then let them reach out to you. I personally want a partner who can look after themselves and to know that they were able to make work on their issues.

    Wait for them to reach out, water on a ducks back, do you and when you are not thinking of them, they will reach out - what I call having faith.

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