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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / Asexuality/ace spectrum (tw? mentions of sex)

Topic: Asexuality/ace spectrum (tw? mentions of sex)

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. Piertotum_Locomotor
    Piertotum_Locomotor avatar
    129 posts
    1 May 2018

    Hi all,

    this post is likely going to be a bit of a ramble since my headspace is very messy right now. But essentially I have thought for a while that I am asexual but now after reading things on a forum for asexuals, I'm not really sure where on the spectrum I belong anymore, if at all. Maybe to some people labels don't matter much to them or they even prefer to not label themselves. But I've always found them reassuring since they make me feel less lost about myself.

    So for a years now I've always had an aversion to physical intimacy, even with someone I loved and was in a relationship with. Sometimes the aversion even goes to the level of repulsion. In fact that's the case most of the time. Occasionally I would get "in the mood" (usually just before I get my period) where I think my habits and desires (? For lack of a better word?) are quite "typical/normal". But afterwards when the moment passes I feel so disgusted with myself and hate myself so much more. Ive never been sexually attracted to anyone (I don't think so at least) which was why I thought I was asexual but lately I have been entertaining and seriously considering doing "it" for the first time, for various reasons. But when I think of the actual mechanics of doing it, I feel SO uncomfortable. But idk if that's out of fear/anxiety or if I'm actually sex repulsed.

    TL;DR I don't know what I identify as anymore. Kind of want to have sex for the first time but super scared I'm going to regret it big time after. I have no one I can talk about this with in real life since I don't know anyone who's on the ace spectrum.

    Can anyone who identifies as anything on the ace spectrum please enlighten me on how they feel about sex especially for their first time maybe? Or how to more definitively know that you're on th ace spectrum?

    1 person found this helpful
  2. CoffeeSnob
    CoffeeSnob avatar
    20 posts
    2 May 2018 in reply to Piertotum_Locomotor

    Hello! I only signed up today and was just about to search for 'asexuality' when I saw your post.

    I've known all my adult life that I have no interest in sex, but only started identifying as asexual last year. Actually, I think the correct term for me is biromantic - I still feel emotional and physical attraction (to both men and women), but not sexual attraction.

    I always felt there was something very wrong with me and avoided relationships at all cost. It's only very recently that I have been comfortable enough to talk about this with the people in my life.

    There is quite a bit online about asexuality, including some really good forums. I did a bit of "research" and I think that's probably helped me to understand a bit more about myself.

    Don't feel pressured to label yourself - this can be really complex. My only other advice is to do what you feel is right for you, not anybody else.

    I hope this helps.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Piertotum_Locomotor
    Piertotum_Locomotor avatar
    129 posts
    2 May 2018 in reply to CoffeeSnob

    Hi CoffeeSnob,

    I also identify as biromantic actually; what a coincidence. I don't really know what to even look up online because I'm just still so confused about myself? And the little amount of time I've spent reading up on asexuality makes me feel more out of place more than anything. But I don't really know what else I could be? I know you said labelling myself makes things more complex but I cannot stand not knowing where I stand with myself. Not having the label makes me so anxious and lost and does so much more harm than having one.

    I really appreciate your comment as I didn't think anyone would reply since I've always been under the impression that asexuals are a minority of a minority I guess? So thank you for replying.

    -PL xx

    2 people found this helpful
  4. pancake101
    pancake101 avatar
    4 posts
    2 May 2018 in reply to Piertotum_Locomotor

    Hey,

    I'm pretty new at the whole ace thing but at the moment I've been struggling to find an identity for myself too and I completely understand how frustrating it can be trying to find a label for yourself, especially when labels can give you a sense of self and identity.

    Lately, I've been entertaining the idea of being demi-sexual because I too can sometimes be repulsed by the idea of male "parts" even though I do enjoy being in emotional relationship with males, so I understand how confusing this all can be.

    As for you wanting to do "it" I don't think anyone can tell you whether you should do "it" or not because at the end of the day its your body and you are in control. My advice is if you are ever in a situation when you feel compelled to have sex, don't over think it and do what you feel naturally comfortable with, don't put yourself in a position where you feel you have to do something you don't feel comfortable with.

    And as for knowing whether you are definitely on the ace spectrum; like most situations with finding your sexuality there is no one right or wrong way of discovering yourself. What I have always found helpful is to just sit in a quiet room and have a completely honest talk with your self, ask things like: If your ideal partner, who is perfect in every way in your eyes, walked up to you would you want to do "it" with them? Be completely honest with yourself, don't try and push thoughts away, explore your mind for the answers that you were too afraid to face before.

    Anyways, I don't know much about this topic yet but I hope you found this somewhat helpful, even if this comment made you feel less alone. Remember that even if it takes a while everything will turn out fine and you will figure out your personal identity someday (hopefully soon!).

    Good luck

    2 people found this helpful
  5. CoffeeSnob
    CoffeeSnob avatar
    20 posts
    3 May 2018 in reply to Piertotum_Locomotor

    Hey PL,

    I completely understand your wanting to know where you stand, and you will. It may just take some time.

    This is really new to me too and I'm actually thrilled to be able to talk to you about it. Thank you for posting this.

  6. Piertotum_Locomotor
    Piertotum_Locomotor avatar
    129 posts
    3 May 2018 in reply to pancake101

    Hey pancake101,

    Yeah I decided that maybe right now isn't the right time yet to do "it" since the prospect of it ended up giving me so much anxiety that I had panic attacks and other horrible things happen. I think I do just need to not care so much about societal and personal pressure to have done it already by my age I guess.

    Thank you to you and @CoffeeSnob for replying since it did make me feel less alone for sure. Like honestly, you guys don't know how reassuring it is to talk to someone who gets it. So really thank you to both of you.

    -PL xx

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