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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / Being forced to hide being trans on my Birthday.

Topic: Being forced to hide being trans on my Birthday.

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. DireVi
    DireVi avatar
    3 posts
    22 November 2020

    This is so messed up. A little while ago I finally came out to my family as trans, but some of my family are putting their own feelings above my own. My dad and my aunt have teamed up and are telling me to not tell my mum because they don't want my mum to "stress them out". My mum may be transphobic, but there is genuinely no excuse for this behaviour. The fact that they could think it's okay to make the choice for someone else about whether they come out or not is infuriating me.

    Today my aunt, dad and mum are coming to my house for a mini birthday gathering. Due to their abhorrent request, I now will have to deal with misgendering, deadnaming, and dysphoria all day. I am not in any way mentally prepared for this, and I suspect that they will thoroughly enjoy not having to respect me based on how they have acted after I came out to them.

    Them doing this has forced me to have another birthday where I have to pretend to be someone else. This is truly unforgivable behaviour in my eyes.

    2 people found this helpful
  2. eight
    eight avatar
    295 posts
    22 November 2020 in reply to DireVi

    happy birthday direVi

    if we lived in a world where everyone had good intentions i'd approach the "parent tells child that just came out to keep quiet to the much more -phobic parent" as worried relatives who care about your welfare but that really only works if you're a minor who lives with or is otherwise dependent on that parent. the "don't stress them out" all but confirms its because they don't want to rock the boat, and it's far more easier to not use your real name and pronouns its too hard!

    hard agree on how that's unforgivable behaviour. if you're able after all this to face your parents and aunt again you'd need to make some strong ultimatums on they can't decide for you who and what's right to be out to anymore or if they try this horrific stuff again they're out, because i can't help but think this is very much a slippery slope that who you are is something that can be easily pushed aside to sastify some small-minded family that can' accept their kid is trans. i'm so sorry, mate. i hope you could try to do something for yourself where you don't have to mask like that

    2 people found this helpful
  3. Fede
    Fede avatar
    2 posts
    23 November 2020 in reply to eight

    Hi DireVi, I hope you are ok and, Happy Birthday! I'm gay and I've been through a few quite challenging situations in my life and I hope that what I´ve learnt so far might be of help to you.

    I've always found it helpful to establish some basic and fundamental truths because sometimes people around us make us feel unsure about things that we KNOW that is set on STONE. These truths change from person to person, but they should be solid to you. These questions might help you determine what you believe in:

    - let's say you are blond for the sake of the example, you should ask yourself, would my mum still love me if I was born brunette (note that being blond and brunette are things that everybody understands that we have no control over)? Being trans is no different than being brunette, which should be regarded as a universal truth. Born this way or not, that's who you are (LGBTQI 101 so far, and the base from where you should start approaching these questions from).

    -let's say that your mum doesn't love you just because you were born a brunette, the next 2 obvious questions are:

    - should I blame her for that? The answer is: the jury is still out on that one, and it really depends on the culture and the family. In my case, I decided that I wouldn't blame my dad if he didn't accept me, just because I know his upbringing was very different than mine, but on the other hand, I was like F it, it's 2020 (in my case it was 2016), if he hasn't developed at least some understanding and acceptance, then it's on him.

    - Even though she is my mum, should I still love her and try to make this relationship work? (I mean, those 2 things are very hard to achieve if they don't love you back) Here again, the answer depends on your relationship and your situation. Ironically enough, my dad was super accepting, but we had other differences that were pushing me into depression. In the end, I started to question the "unbreakable" bond between a parent and a daughter/son, and it led me to the realization of the following truth: you should always ask yourself whether a non-joyful (therefore non-meaningful) life is worth the "comfort" and the "security" of not coming out but still preserving this "relationship" (is it a relationship if they don't know who you are?).

    I hope I don't come across too hi-strong, and I hope it's clear and helpful. These are not answers, but questions that might lead you to the answers you are looking for. You will get there, hang on tight!

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