Hi Kara & Lilylane , glad Kara that you are recognising gd and hitting back .

I had to work on Monday as the deadname . Quite interesting reaction as am only Jo now . Will have to do that a bit I think out here ( Akubra country ) , not ideal but at present want to keep that work ? Had been stressing over telling my only customer ( nowdays ) about Jo ( I look very different now ) and did so yesterday when dropping of an invoice . He is very old school , all was good ! Great relief .

Lilylane , how long did voice training take ?

Take care and thank you for discussion , I hope I help to ! xx

Lol , Jo

Hi Lillylane, please keep me posted with how things go with your partner not only because it might help me but also because I want both of you to be happy.

Voice training has been a big thing that I have worried about and will be looking into this in greater detail as things develop with my transition.

Facial hair now that's a big thing I made contact with a wonderful beautician that I found who looks after a lot of LGBTIQA people and she has been wonderful very caring and sensitive to my transition, have a had a couple break downs when talking with her.

The direction we went with was electrolysis she told me its the best treatment as laser wouldn't work on my hair colour. I have been having weekly treatments now since I came out, its slow and can be very painful especially on the top lip but am very happy with the results so far. Full effect won't be achieved for most probably 12 months but will improve once I start HRT.

Still working very hard on my physical and mental health so I can be as prepared as I can be once my transition starts. I have lost 13kgs so far with 20kgs to go. Looking forward to my first counselling session next month to support my physical changes.

I have managed to get my wife to open up a bit and talk to me about my GD she's trying to understand the hell I have lived with for most of my life I have even talked to her about what happened on Monday which is progress.

One thing took me by surprise is that she said why didn't I do it 20 years ago and she couldn't understand why I would continue to suffer for so long. I tried to explain to her it was about other events in my life but she should understand why I didn't do the right thing by myself.

Trying to cope with the GD panic attack and hopefully not to frequent but Shine says there will be more to come.

I am meeting up with a women tomorrow after work who I met on line who is currently well into her transition just to talk somethings over face to face with some whose living what I am about the experience.

She also is being treated by Shine hopefully lots of information to share about her journey that might help me.

Take care will talk again soon.

Kara

Hi Jo hope that your well, sorry to hear about having use your dead name but I do understand that we all still need to earn an income and I guess even though we don't want to we need compromise a little bit to survive.

Voice training also a concern for me and will be looking into it soon.

People can surprise you sometimes with their reaction when you come out never really know.

Have had a few little wins with my wife as she is slowly starting to talk to me about my GD she gets it but doesn't really understand the pain and suffering and why I lived with it for so long. Still unsure about the future.

Am meeting up tomorrow after work with a woman who's transitioning through Shine so hopefully lots of new information.

Will talk again soon.

Kara

Hi Kara and Jo,

Voice training was over a few months, maybe about 4 sessions? We live in a regional town so my partner had to travel a couple of hours to go to the first appointment. Then the pandemic hit so they became phone appointments. The focus was on generating the sound from up in the nasal area (rather than down from the throat). It was actually quite amazing how quickly this made a difference to her voice.

It’s been an emotional day for me. My partner has stopped wearing her wedding ring because it is very obviously a ‘man’s ring’. So I have stopped wearing mine too.

She has suggested we get different rings that signify being in each other’s life. But not wedding rings. I think it’s a good idea.

Got a bit stressed over something at work today and I couldn’t stop the tears flowing. I feel a lot of pressure trying to work out what the right thing to do is, as a partner and a parent of small kids. It’s not always easy or clear-cut.

Good to hear you and your wife still keep up the communication.

Best wishes always,

Lillylane

Hi Kara, I meant to ask - how did it go meeting the woman who is transitioning through Shine?
Take care,
Lillylane

Hi Lilylane , taking off of rings hit me squarely in the heart ( big tears here ) . You and partner are very very brave . What a huge commitment you two have to each other . This is beautiful !!!

Thanks for info on voice training , my lovely doctor is seeing whats available out here that's not to expensive .

Lol to you both very brave people , hugs ( if and when required ). xxx

Jo

Hi Kara , how are you ? Do let us know ( if you want to ) how chat with trans lady went ? Hope you were comfortable with her so chat could pick its own course .

Lol and stay warm , take care ( hugs when required )

Jo x

Hi Jo hope that you are well. Unfortunately the visit didn't go ahead because on Wednesday night she let me that she couldn't as she was sick. I said we would try to reschedule again when she was better.

Today I met with two of the most amazing women you could ever hope to meet. I spent all afternoon with the founders of Kindred Spirits it's run by Gail & Lisette Claremont-Goulet. They took the time and trouble to talk to me about everything that I had experienced and what is in front of me. I walked away feeling very very happy indeed with all of the conversations we had. I am planning on catching up with them in a few weeks time so i can meet more of the people from their group.

Next Tuesday I am going to another support group venue called Diverse-City which Gail suggested that might be a better fit for me where I am right now.

Have also been able to open up some better communication with my sisters and wife after all of them met up recently to talk over the changes that are coming and what it means for them.

So lots of good news this week.

Take care

Kara

Hi lillylane hope you both are well.

Unfortunately the meeting never happened as she took ill on Wednesday and had to cancel, will try again when she is better.

It must have been tough dealing with the emotion about the wedding rings as I understand the meaning behind them.

I do also understand about beginning with new symbols of commitment and also it's the closure of the old life you had together and hopefully what is ahead but do see how the emotions would flow for you.

It must make the situation very complicated when you have small children in the picture I depending on their it will be very confusing for them.

Mine are all adults still wont be easy to deal but I do have 3 grandchildren which will be complicated as two of them are boys 12 & 9 my granddaughter is only 3 so less of a problem.

I don't have to worry these symbols as my wife and I had our wedding rings melted down and remade into a ring for daughter for her 21st birthday.

I think you are both very brave for what you have been through and are still together I am still hopeful for my relationships as I have managed to get the communication lines open with my wife and sisters.

Big hugs as this all I can offer from Adelaide.

If you check out the reply that I sent to Jo about what has happened today and what is happening next week you will see that I am slowly trying find my place in the community.

Will keep in contact when there is new information comes available.

Kara

Hi Jo,

Thanks for your lovely hugs and kindness! Very much appreciated.

Great to hear you have a good GP and hope there is a voice training option available that suits. Keep us posted how it goes xx

lillylane

hi Kara,

I’m just catching up with posts :)

Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot to be able to talk to others who understand the complexity of relationships.

I have my fingers crossed for you when it comes time to talk to your children and grandchildren. You’ve laid wonderful groundwork though having talked with your wife and sisters already and it sounds like there is progress there which I’m so happy to hear. You are doing amazing Kara.

It’s taken my partner and I a couple of years to get where we are in terms of peace and we still have disagreements and misunderstandings at times but we muddle through. We don’t really know what our future looks like but we are ok with that.

Our daughters are twins and were toddlers at the time my partner explained to them that she is actually a she. They were completely accepting and adapted well - little kids have such open hearts. One of them was a bit teary, but after being reassured that my partner was not going anywhere she realised she was not loosing anyone.

They are proud of having two mums. One of them told me they are ‘extra lucky’! They are aware that other families have a mum and dad, or a dad and dad or just a mum etc.

It’s great to hear you’ve made contact with support groups as well.

Big hugs!

Lillylane

Hi Kara , it is great to hear that you can have face to face with others and family ( so very important to not be alone )👍. Sadly lacking out here and one of the two most important things for us remote folk . The other being accurate up to date information on services available . Is on the net but well hidden in many instances .

The word closure hit me in the face !

Thank you Lilylane , your posts have helped me also as does Kara's 👍

Thank you all and happy day xx

Jo

Hi Jo and Lillylane I would like to say that even though we haven't met face to face I feel a very strong bond between us and I feel like we have been friends for a long time because of the love and caring we have shown for each other.

I do look forward to hearing from both of you all the time because of the support ,advice and genuine care for each other that we all have shared, even though our lives have take different paths those paths have crossed over many times.

I am definitely in a much better place than I was many many weeks ago and both of you have played a big in getting me to where I am today.

I do feel for Jo as it must be very difficult try access the help that is more available in the city and easier to access. I wish it could be much easier for you because it does worry me at times.

Lillylane I hope you have access to some support to help you through all of the challenges and changes that are still ahead for you and your partner. I again wish that I could provide face to face support for you even though we are opposite sides of the process I feel your pain as I see it in my own wife's face at different times.

I have been very fortunate recently that i have been give access to the wonderful people in our community who still amaze every time that I make contact with them, the love compassion and understanding that they keep showing to a complete stranger just blows me away.

I feel now with the support from both of you and the improvement between myself and my sisters and wife things will hopefully continue to improve. I also have the support of Shine, Kindred Spirits and Diverse-City from a professional point of view I feel stronger than before.

One of the challenges going forward with my wife will be establishing boundaries about what she will and won't accept from me. I am nowhere ready to present as female even within my home but it's just a few small things that I need to allow me to feel comfortable with myself. I want to able to do my nails for just when I am at home not to wear in public it just makes me feel good about myself when I am alone I will paint them but remove the polish before she comes home.

Please all stay safe and take care until next time.

Kara

Thank you Kara ( heartfelt ) , and Lilylane to . ( hugs any where needed ).

Jo&LD

Hi Jo and Lillylane hope both of you well.

Not a lot been happening for me what about you?

I did visit a new venue and met the owners on Tuesday night, it's a safe meeting place for our community to catch up at it's like a café / restaurant and entertainment venue.

A fantastic married couple run it felt very welcome and respected. They listened to my story and talked me through many different changes that I have ahead of me. They said once again that I am very brave as they said it's much harder to come out as transgender than it was for them to come out as gay.

They have offered to help me meet some of the transgender women who go so I can talk face to face women who have lived what I am about experience.

They invited me to attend a dinner tonight that is being held after LGBTI conference wanted to go but felt it was too soon and didn't wanted upset my wife as might have felt I am a banding her for new people from our community. So I passed but did really want to go as it was mainly going to transgender women in attendance.

28 days to go before my first appointment with Shine.

Talk soon

Kara

Hi Kara and Jo,

Kara, it’s great to hear about the venue you visited with such kind and welcoming owners. I really wish we had something like that for my partner in our area!!

She’s made some great transgender friends through Twitter, and they’ve been wonderful for advice during her transition. I’ve enjoyed meeting a couple of them who have visited in person.

It’s very sensitive and thoughtful of you thinking of your wife too, Kara. In time hopefully, as you both get to know what you need for support, there will be that understanding when it comes to attending meet ups etc

Hope you are going well too, Jo!

Lillylane xx

Hi Kara , that is all good news ! Lilylanes perspective is great to .

Sometimes the self and the journey can sort of engulf you . Your well grounded looking after your wife ❤ and family as you are!

I hope you find a few friends at the meeting place . Not sure why exactly but when I finally met trans lady and felt immediately comfortable that there was a change in everything ? Helps with confidence . Am finding confidence is a hard one !

Lol Kara & Lilylane Jo

Hi Jo and Lillylane, hope you both are doing okay.

My journey is going in a lot of different directions at the moment as I try to find my place in our community.

I am meeting with another group tomorrow afternoon who I have been told have a large group of transgender women in it so hopefully might get to meet some more people to talk with.

Had a bad day yesterday as my GD hit me hard and I needed to step away from my work for awhile to gather myself and stop crying. It was so disappointing because I hadn't broken down for weeks, which I suppose was a positive.

I reached out to my on line groups and once again was blown away by the amount of support, love & concern I received from people who I have never met or spoken to. Our community is something special as I have never come across so many wonderful people.

Every time something like this happens I fall more in love with our community.

The only other thing I was a bit disappointed about was the women who I was supposed to meet up with the other week who cancelled because of illness popped up in my Facebook feed with a updated image about a make over she had just had.

I thought that she looked very nice and just commented complementing how good she looked.

A few minutes later she replied and asked how I was doing which I replied great and also said again how nice she looked and it was good that she was feeling much better. I asked if she would still like to meet sometime to have a chat.

Well that was the end of the conversation and haven't heard from her since, I think that this didn't help my GD and most probably played on my mind Friday leading in my attack.

Jo I am also not a confidant person and struggle with new people until I get to know them, once I get to know people that I connect with they usually friends for life. Which is how I feel about you and Lillylane.

I am trying to find new friends as I have concerns about the high cost that my transition will cost me.

I had my eyebrows shaped for the first time today, exciting.

I had a piece of advice yesterday from someone who I respect and trust and she told me I will soon learn who my true friends are and I should treasure them as they will be my best allies. These friends may not be people I know now as I may find them during my journey. She also said that I had to be sure that this is what I truly want need to make my life whole. There will be huge sacrifices and gains as that I cannot envisage.

Looking forward to our next chat.

Kara

Hi Kara , things can be very intense at times and we cannot a lot of the time get the self to take a rest so we can breathe . I don't think it is selfish but just what is happening in our lives ( journey /true self ) is so huge .

Have a look at beginning page of this forum and open "questioning my sexuality " by IAMTHEONE . Towards the end of thread is several posts by " therising " in one they talk of the circle . It might ring some bells and help . In the TRC the second last post there by "Aaronsis" has a paragraph to me about the ( deadname ) and that relationship I have had with ( deadname ) . I have found that very helpful and others view of things teaches you to have a much wider field of perception . Sometimes I get stuck with one perception when there are usually many .

Hope that is a bit helpful , get rest!

Jo

Hi Jo and Lillylane, hope you are both well.

Had a great day yesterday I got a message from a transgender woman who's a part of one of my groups wanting to have a chat as she had seen a couple of my posts.

We got on the phone and just hit it off immediately and talked for 3 hours. Long story short we are planning on catching up this week for a face to face chat. She has also asked me to join her group with her friends so I can meet others and be apart of their group as she felt something special while we were talking and thought I would be a good fit for the group.

She gave me so much useful information about what lies ahead for me and all of the mental and physical changes to come. It was the first time anyone has taken the time to provide me this type of detailed information.

So it was a great way finish off a shitty week with work pressure and GD playing up on Friday.

Still counting down the days until first appointment with Shine next month.

That's all from me for now talk soon.

Kara

Good morning Jo & Lillylane.

I have made a very big decision this week I have decided that I will no longer be identifying as my old male self anymore. I will still need to present in public for awhile as my former male self but from now on I only identify as Kara to everyone I know in our community.

I have recently met a wonderful trans woman who reached out to me after reading some comments I posted in a group that I am a member of about needing to meet with other trans women.

She made contact with me and we spent 3 hours on the phone talking about everything that I have to look forward to as I transition, but she also explained in detail all of the difficulties I would face.

We now talk daily about all of the day to day conflicts that I am dealing with while wait for my first appointments to begin.

She runs a group that get together every month where she and other trans women meet up and talk about anything that they feel like, she wants me to be a part of her group.

This week she put me in contact with a beautiful cross dresser who helps trans women find their style by taking them shopping for clothes etc he is even helping me out with my first wig.

When we agreed to meet up he arranged for me to meet the most wonderful trans woman I have meet she is based in WA and does corporate training and seminars about diversity and inclusion in the work place.

The way she embraced me and spoke with me gave me so much joy we spent 6 hours together talking sharing experiences that were very personal. I was disappointed when we had to wrap things up because it was 10 o'clock and she had a seminar the next morning before flying back to WA. The best news is that she we have now become friends and will be keeping in contact as she regularly flies to Adelaide with work.

Unfortunately things aren't good at home I have just about come to the conclusion that there wont be a future of any kind because a few harsh words have been exchanged and I am being told that I am being selfish for making it all about my happiness and not caring about what it's doing to others that are affected.

You both have read all of my posts and know that's not true, every step of the way I have talked about nothing else but worrying how much it would hurt my family. I am over it I will be supportive helpful and still talk with her but not loosing any sleep over it as it's her choice I am trying as hard as I can to navigate through this but once again no support from family.

Kara

Hi Kara , still here with you . A very active emotional rollercoaster now . I get that , remember "as much good rest as possible " . This journey can be so very exhausting .

One strategy I developed , to survive my childhood and it has helped me so much and to survive , " the glass must always be half full " ( never let it be half empty . )

Another strategy from mid 40's to this day is " procrastination " ! If not sure put a decision off as long as possible . ( works very well for me ! Used to jump in boots and all before . Mostly better result if let the dust settle )

Our journeys differ in that I have had a solitary life with few close people in it . Much simpler in many ways I think . Was my lot rather than decision .

Take care , enjoy the ride and lots of rest , lol Jo&LD

Hi Kara and Jo,

Kara, it’s brilliant to hear about the trans woman you’ve met doing seminars and training in diversity and inclusion. Please, please ask her to come to Qld! :)

I actually have some news about my partner. She’s been very nervous about coming out to her boss. So she contacted the free confidential counselling service (her work provides).

When it comes time to meet with and tell the boss, the counsellor suggested that my partner bring the HR diversity officer with her to the meeting.

I think it’s a great idea and my partner feels less vulnerable about it now. She knows and trusts the diversity officer well.

I’m sorry Kara, to hear it’s been tense at home. It’s a lot of added stress and I wish family was easier to deal with.

Thanks Jo for your insight and wonderful caring advice!

love to you both,

Lillylane

Hi Jo and Lillylane, it's been a hell of the a week lots of highs and lows. Still think I came out in front for a change no matter what happened at home. I now will build a better support network from within the community I am now a part of. No judgement just support and love and heaps of compassion as all of the women I have brought into my life are fully transitioned or working towards it.

Lillylane I will ask Alyce what regions she works in as I know she does SA, WA & NT.

Lillylane I am so happy for both you and your partner that she has that level of support when she presents at work for the first time. I have the same level of fear and I don't know if Shine provide anything like that. I might have to reach out to my group and see what their advice is as all of them have full time jobs from many different fields.

Last night was very hurtful because my wife said things I never expected to hear from her, last night I felt like she hated me for everything I have done and that cuts deep.

She made me feel my life was worth nothing.

I have reflected on everything and I know that's not correct I can't make her come along, if she wants to she will.

I felt that last night any love that may have existed went out the window.

Sorry about this but this is now reality and I won't repeat what was said to painful hear it again.

Well only 21 sleeps to first appointment.

I know that your partner doesn't know me nor has she ever spoken to me but but please give her my best wishes for her new beginning.

Kara

Hi Kara , still with you . Sorry that you have the pain generated by discussion with your wife . Not sure about others journeys but for me when Jo was born that was happening and that's how it was . The alternative doesn't warrant thinking about .

For those near to you it would I guess be a shock ( as after so many years hiding ourselves we become experts at that ) and then to comprehend any of it must take so much energy and time . It takes an amazing human to understand trans ( Lilylane and a few others I know here ). I personally think we would be better off in many ways as a third gender .

Its hard to stop completely when asleep so watch that , as fatigue is not at all good . I am an expert at fatigue and it can be dangerous ! Please watch that one .

Lilylane , it would be huge revealing at work , your a legend for supporting your partner xxx to you both . I have pulled right back with work as am to anxious out there . ( pilot car contractor ) have only one customer now ( old school , Akubra country ) and told him a couple of weeks ago . Its all good but the anxiety building up to that was huge . I don't work in a group situation as such so was ok for me. .

Lol to all , Jo&LD

Hi Jo and Lillylane as I wrote earlier things aren't what foolishly hoped that they would be at home. I am getting over it as it seems now I am leading a separate life we still co-exists but we talk about family issue non transition related and get on okay at that level.

I now seem to have the freedom to explore new relationships within the community as I continue to reach out and find my new family as the old one seems to have once again drifted away, no ongoing contact as my family seems more interested in supporting my wife and not me. I can live with that as her mental and physical health need that support.

All I seem to need to do to keep the peace at home is not talk about my transition unless asked about it and in public don't present in anyway as female.

I have found ways around this as I need to feel female as I no longer identify as my old male self. When I get introduced within the community now it's always as Kara. I feel so much better since making this decision after being challenged by one of friends. Though I am conflicted because how I feel and and how I look are two very different thing and growing more uncomfortable everyday. I wear painted toenails and knickers and it helps me cope.

Lillylane this is a link regarding what we talked about the other day my friend doesn't look after QLD but it is a national programme. If the link gets removed we may need to find another way to get the information to you.

If this does get removed I have a new FACEBOOK page I created so that I make contact with new members of the community without my other friends knowing and I get the information to you that way or maybe through email.

hhtp://www.prideinclusionsprograms.com.au/

Sometime thing taken down because it's against the rules.

I will keep you all updated on things as they happen I am hopefully meeting some new friends this weekend for a lunch at one of the women's home which is good to feel that they can invite me someone they don't know and only based on other community members opinions that I am good person and that they would enjoy meeting me.

Kara

Hi Kara, thanks for the pride inclusion programs link. My partner passes on her appreciation.

lillylane

Hi Lillylane I have a real quick question after your partner came out which name did you use when speaking with her, this is before completion of her transition and presenting to others or just in public with you?

I am coming out tonight to my children and introducing myself as Kara a transgender woman, I have also told my wife but she wants to know what to call me, Kara or my old male name.

Any help would be appreciated.

Love Kara

HI lillylane, thank you for the information. Last night I came out to my adult children and it was a very emotional and tearful event.

I had very low expectations but my children absolutely amazed me with the love and support that they should me it was overwhelming.

My wife chose not to be there when I told them but she spoke with them while I was out of the house.

I did speak with one of my girlfriend's last afterwards and did discuss the name issue.

What I decided to do is for now as there are no outward physical changes I am still living with my male name as it's easier for them.

Once the physical changes become obvious that is when we talk about it again.

The only medication I am right now is T blockers.

Did you ever find any support groups for partners of transgender women, my wife is trying to find out if there any I have a couple of leads I am following from the community.

Once again it's a pity that we aren't closer so that my wife could talk with you as she is trying to support me but is struggling. At least we are having conversations about the future and my transition journey which is a positive.

Maybe with the children on board it might help her.

Kara