Online forums

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please complete your profile

Complete your profile

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community.

Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / Going forward, uncertain.

Topic: Going forward, uncertain.

9 posts, 0 answered
  1. Justaguy007
    Justaguy007 avatar
    3 posts
    15 May 2020

    So being a 49 year old male, always known I was gay but never wanted to accept it and fought hard to deny it. Married for 25 years to the most beautiful person in the world and have 3 incredible children who are well grown up, and am extremely proud of. Could not give my everything to my wife from a love point of view, even though I love her and always will. Over the years became more and more distant and eventually, 6 months ago, brought it out. And we had both known for 25 years and both wanted to deny it. So moved out staying alone, feel awkward around family and just simply don’t want to see or talk to anyone. It’s weird and hurts at times. Work keeps me sane and completely immerse myself in work and love it. Don’t want anyone else to know and only a very few do.

    So my question is, does this ever get better, how can I stop hurting the ones I love, and what is best for the family , for them?

    1 person found this helpful
  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    7867 posts
    15 May 2020 in reply to Justaguy007

    Hi, welcome

    what is best for your family is for you to be content within yourself and happy, although they might not know it. The reason they might not know it is if hypothetically your mental health too a downturn. Then it might hit home.

    Flooding your life with work sounds great- but alas, it is a blanket covering your problem of not being accepted by others nor content with life. The fear of stigma, rejection must be high.

    Have you stopped to consider your own wonder? Read that again. YOU are wonderful! You are a human being and unique, that deserves happiness. Being gay does not mean the end of life- in fact it can be the beginning.

    google-

    beyondblue topic you are still a jigsaw piece

    Maharaji Prem Rawat youtube the perfect instrument

    (and many other videos he has)

    beyondblue topic the best praise you’ll ever get

    please reply anytime

    TonyWK

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Only I know
    Only I know avatar
    210 posts
    18 May 2020 in reply to Justaguy007

    Hey there Justaguy007, welcome.

    So my story is pretty much same as yours, I'm 49 married 20 years to the most wonderful woman who I love dearly, 2 kids (teens) and always knew I was gay, but just kept it hidden, never seeking the company of other guys.

    Eventually depression set in, to the point I almost did something stupid.

    I then came out; 2 years ago now, and living on my own.

    I'm fortunate, I'm still very good friends with my (ex) wife. We are still a big part of each others lives, and not just for the kids, we are still there for each other. Is this the same for you and yours?

    You need to realise that you are living your life and you cannot change the past. I guess you were like me, riddled with guilt for being part of her life, shame etc etc.

    To answer your question, yes it does get better. Surround yourself with friends that care, even if they are new friends. There are plenty of social groups for LGBT (and i'm not talking about hookup apps etc). I think getting out amongst new friends will help you with the awkwardness, you needn't feel this way. There is nothing wrong with you.

    It took me a while to feel comfortable, but I ended up coming out to all the people that I cared about, and found that no-one cared that I was gay. In fact, they were all supportive, and congratulated me on having the courage to be true to myself.

    As TonyWK says, you are wonderful, a unique human being that deserves happiness. You've done your best for your loved ones, now is the time to take care of yourself.

    Keep chatting, you've come to a great source of support here on the BB forums.

    all the best

    Daz

    3 people found this helpful
  4. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    7867 posts
    18 May 2020 in reply to Only I know

    Daz

    Wonderful apt reply

    Im glad you’re here- giving such insight and clarity

    TonyWK

    2 people found this helpful
  5. Justaguy007
    Justaguy007 avatar
    3 posts
    18 May 2020 in reply to Only I know

    Hi Daz,

    Really appreciate your reply, and situation seems exactly the same.
    Am absolutely supportive to the family and wife, am living alone for past 3 months.

    Guilt is probably the biggest part and makes it feel hard when I see them, as well I feel uncomfortable - probably because what I have done/caused . Still want to be them for them. Want better for the wife, she says she just wants me, yet I can’t give her everything she wants.

    guess it is just to give the time to feel more comfortable with myself. The videos Tony sent were great.

    kind regards

    3 people found this helpful
  6. Only I know
    Only I know avatar
    210 posts
    18 May 2020 in reply to Justaguy007

    Hi J,

    In the early days, I went to see a Psychologist. Whilst this isn't for everybody (I thought it wouldn't be me) I was very grateful that I did. The Psych was gay, and was able to put things into perspective for me.

    Yep, guilt is the No.1 thing I felt too. You're right, it is hard, and uncomfortable, but I can assure you that it gets better. If you both still love each other, then what you have had for 25+ years can and will see you both through this. It does not mean the end of your relationship, just a shift in the dynamics.

    I still cry at the memory of coming out to her, and what her words were "I can't stop loving you" she told me. She knew that for the previous few months that I had teetered on the edge. As hard as it is for her, she will know how big a thing for you it was to finally come out.

    Have you told your kids? and the rest of your family? When I told my folks I was terrified. I've always been very close to them, but they seemed to display homophobic tendencies. In the end, though they aren't entirely comfortable knowing that I am gay (and I haven't tested their resolve by introducing someone to them), they accepted it openly. My father was really upset when he thought how hard it must have been for me to hold this in my entire life, and was angry with himself for not creating an environment where I could have told them when I was a boy. The 1980's, when we should be expressing ourselves, weren't exactly the time where society made it easy. You truly had to be courageous.

    It'll be made all the harder at the moment with being in lockdown. Harder to get out and speak to people. I would suggest that you keep communicating with your wife and family. But I also think that you need to reconsider "blaming" yourself (you haven't done/caused anything). I was doing that too, but when I came to accept that there is no fault, it is just what is.

    You have loved, and you still love them. You are still there for them. You are now on the correct path, one to a better (correct) version of yourself. I doubt that any of your family would want anything of or for you, than for you to be happy and healthy.

    It's different for everybody, I've chatted to guys here that have embraced the new them and been out on heaps of dates. For me, although "Out" and okay publicly accepting it, I haven't ventured down the dating path. Why? I don't know.

    So, you are not alone. If you have friends you are comfortable talking to, then I'd suggest doing just that.

    cheers Daz

    3 people found this helpful
  7. Justaguy007
    Justaguy007 avatar
    3 posts
    18 May 2020 in reply to Only I know

    Thanks again Daz,

    Yes I did tell the kids and they were brilliant. I did see a few psychs and moved on quickly when they suggested that I was that way inclined, the last psych I did stay with him for 5 sessions, flippin expensive, but good. It did feel like he was telling me stuff I already knew and that’s when I started thinking that I should not fight this anymore and work with it. That’s when I then became silent with all and as you say is a guilt feeling more than anything else, as well as feeling embarrassed. Did tell my parents and my parent in-laws as well as brother in laws and sister, did it all on a one to one basis and face to face - had to travel for some overseas to just make sure I did it face to face. That was all tough. What is good is that I see the support they all give my wife and are behind her and support her. There have been a lot of painful words from my dad and wife, which I deserve and guess is how they best express themselves, however those words have sat deep and are difficult to erase, guess that’s part of the guilt game again. None of the family can believe it , saying we were the perfect family. Only 2 of my good friends know and they have been very surprisingly supportive.

    I do still remain immersed in my work, which I love and is a pretty high profile leadership role in an iconic Australian company, and that make each day exciting, but also keeps me away from dealing with what I should be dealing with. Feeling am becoming more distant. Like my wife says to me how come you are so good at fixing organisations, driving change and being loved as a leader and all you work with but you can’t fix your family who are now all broken. My wife and me have never had a fight in our lives, and I have supported them as best I could, yet could not give that extra piece that they needed of me.

    I do really appreciate your input, have 1 mate I chat to on a daily basis and yes he is also gay but very far away.

    as you say time will heal and am just wanting the time to go quicker at this point.

    2 people found this helpful
  8. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    7867 posts
    19 May 2020 in reply to Justaguy007

    Hi again

    Re: “Like my wife says to me how come you are so good at fixing organisations, driving change and being loved as a leader and all you work with but you can’t fix your family who are now all broken”

    Bit like when “we can land s guy on the moon yet can’t cure the common cold”

    Blame is non productive- acceptance and empathy is.

    google

    beyondblue topic acceptance, is this our biggest challenge?

    beyondblue topic the frog and the scorpion

    TonyWK

    2 people found this helpful
  9. Only I know
    Only I know avatar
    210 posts
    22 May 2020 in reply to Justaguy007

    Hey there Justaguy007, apologies for not replying sooner, this working from home can be a little tough at times, and very busy! Sorry to hear that you are getting some harsh words. It is hard to hear.

    "painful words from my dad and wife, which I deserve"- I understand what you mean however the "I deserve" is completely wrong. You could argue for the case of your wife, there will be the hurt she is feeling, along with the confusion. My wife felt that way too. I guess for me, the fact that I had been going through some major depression prior to coming out, she'd seen my health decline to the point that I didn't eat for 9 days. With time, and perhaps some counselling of her own, this hopefully would improve - after all, you had a lot of loving years together.

    I encouraged my wife to also seek a counsellor, which she did. It took her a little bit of time, but seems to now be ok. She no longer talks to me about the way she feels about it, but I know that there is much love still. When we see each other we still hug and kiss. She has a lot of good friends who she also talks to.

    It's disappointing that your Dad says the painful words, I know that he is of a generation that find it hard to find acceptance, but your health and well-being should be more important. What would he have preferred? Staying as you were was not an option. You may well have ended down the same road that I had.

    Someone here on BB once said to me, when I worried about what my kids would say; "They'd prefer a gay dad to a dead one". Perhaps your dad needs to think of this.

    It's great that you can immerse yourself in your work, but you also need to spend a bit of time on yourself. Are you doing any exercise? Physical activity? This is extremely important for not only your physical health but your mental health. I joined a bootcamp, made some very good new friends and buried myself in this. At first I was going to 8/9 sessions a week, lost a bucket load of weight and started to come out of the dark mire that I had been in. I still go 6 / 7 times a week and really enjoy the activity along with the banter.

    Yes the psych is very expensive, if you didn't already know, you can go and see your GP and ask for a mental health care plan. You can then get your psych bills 1/2 paid by Medicare. You may now be at peace with who you are, however having this person to talk to can really help, as you would already realise.

    Hope things start to improve soon. Have a great weekend. Daz

    2 people found this helpful

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up