Online forums

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please complete your profile

Complete your profile

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community.

Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

Join the online community Community rules

Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / When to tell you’re wife you’r gay 🤨

Topic: When to tell you’re wife you’r gay 🤨

24 posts, 0 answered
  1. Happy Man
    Happy Man avatar
    10 posts
    17 December 2017

    Just been reading these posts and thought, why not!

    I am so in love with the mother of my children, she is my best friend and a wonderful Mum/wife/friend.

    I need to tell her I am gay. Over the past 2+ years I have been struggerling with my sexuality most of the time and since I was a teenager. I have been with guys before I got married in the younger days, met the lady of my dreams and married/kids/dog etc.

    How did anyone tell the wife? I have an amazing family who will support me and my wife but how did you tell?

    I want to find the easiest way to break someone’s heart......

    thanks for listening👍🏼

    2 people found this helpful
  2. Juliet_84
    Juliet_84 avatar
    206 posts
    17 December 2017 in reply to Happy Man

    Hi Happy Man,

    I'm going to go out on a limb and say that there probably isn't a right time per se, although maybe not around Christmas or any major anniversaries etc might be best to avoid? Other than that, I think that you just need to sit down with her and be as open and honest as you have been with us and tell her. She will most likely feel a range of emotions and may question whether your entire marriage has been a lie, so it's important that you explain that you had some feelings when you were younger, but fell in love with her etc, and have loved the life you've made. But you also owe it to yourself to not die with this big question mark over your head. I hope that in time she will come to see that, but it may take her a little time to work through, just try and be patient and understanding in that time.

    3 people found this helpful
  3. Happy Man
    Happy Man avatar
    10 posts
    17 December 2017 in reply to Juliet_84
    Thank you
  4. Just Sara
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Just Sara avatar
    3258 posts
    20 December 2017 in reply to Happy Man

    Hey there Happy Man and welcome to our caring community;

    You seem really happy within this union except for sexual connections. Do you identify as gay or bi? (Re 'woman of your dreams' comment) I identify as Bi, been married, divorced and now single.

    You seem to have made the decision which is quite an accomplishment; congratulations. Telling your wife is mostly about your sexuality, but it's also about her response.

    There's no perfect way to break someone's heart. Nice environment, food and beverages to last what might end up a very long conversation, (no alcohol!) and a comfortable spot without other people would be respectful.

    The words though are your main concern yes? IMO, keep it simple. "There's something I need to tell you...I'm gay." That's it in a nutshell ok; the rest is about her. Let her ask questions or make comments. Keep answers short and direct. She'll spot a lie in a heartbeat. Support her if she cries and listen with your tongue between your teeth if you have to.

    If there's anger, assist her to let the rage out and stay completely balanced with the sole intent of helping her get thru it. Validate her words with short responses such as; "I know..." or "Yes, I can see what you're saying." Take cutting words with humility...it's all about her. Don't justify anything, just keep her talking.

    Please don't make the mistake of saying it breaks your heart at this time as the energy will be turned away from her. Leave that until she's ready to hear it. (Unless she asks what you feel. Again, make it short and sensitive, then turn it back to how she feels)

    If you end up at a stage where there's an opportunity to make plans, put it off! Emotions will cause future plans to be based on panic and what-if's. That's another conversation to have at home over a coffee.

    My point is, go thru each stage together. You both have issues personally and relevant ones together re care giving of your kids, living arrangements and financial stability.

    I wish you luck Man, both of you.

    Gentle and kind all the way...hope is eternal.

    Sez

    4 people found this helpful
  5. Happy Man
    Happy Man avatar
    10 posts
    23 December 2017 in reply to Just Sara

    Wow! Thanks Sez. Your words have given me some comfort.

    i am excited about the future but also still concerned.

    Its taken a while to get to This stage.

    cheers

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Just Sara
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Just Sara avatar
    3258 posts
    24 December 2017 in reply to Happy Man

    Hi again H Man;

    I'm so glad you've found value in my words. Your excitement is good to read of too. It's going to be quite a road ahead, so all of your positive energy will surely come in handy.

    I hope giving your wife plenty of room to be who she needs to be without guilt or judgement has given you a sense of relief; her response isn't about you. We sometimes forget this and take it on our shoulders to fix; but we can't. All you can do is be gentle, kind and not try to be her therapist or social worker.

    And please don't fall into her need to nurture you. This will complicate things and tug at both your emotions. Stay focused on the prize.. living your truth with humility and integrity while being a caring Dad and ex husband.

    I hope all ends up working out for everyone involved hun. Please let us know how you go or if you need support. Merry Xmas and a Happy and Prosperous New Year.

    Sez

  7. Happy Man
    Happy Man avatar
    10 posts
    24 December 2017 in reply to Just Sara

    Hey Sez,

    Just to clarfy I haven’t told my wife yet, I have been trying to find a “ the right day” to tell with her. I have choose a date which has absolutely no meaning to anyone, just to me.

    I am sad as this will be our last Xmas as we all know it, I am pretty confident next Xmas will be also great but different and exciting in many ways i.e happy dad 😎 I just wanted to say thanks for your kind words again.

    I shall report back in the new year. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Sez 🎅🎅

    1 person found this helpful
  8. PanitaPc
    PanitaPc avatar
    1 posts
    4 January 2018

    My ex had was married for 10 years, two kids... he told his wife and I met him just 8 months afterwards. I met his ex-wife and kids... I had a really good relationship with all of them. We broke up but in the end I actually had a better relationship with the kids and the ex-wife than with him.

    Another really good friend is in a very similar situation. His partner of 4 years was married for 13 years and has 3 daughters.

    I have met several gay men in their late 30s and early 40s that are divorced with kids. Most of them have good relationships with their children and their wives. Some of them had traumatic breakups, others were relatively painless. Still they have overcomed the struggle and they live a new life

    I would say there is no good time or the right time. It is always a bad time to bring those news and it will always break her heart in one way or another. So you just have to find a slightly less cumbersome time and the courage to tell her.

    This will sound coldhearted but make sure you have a plan before you say anything.
    - Save some cash in case you get kicked out of the house or she can't stand being with you in the short term (not something you want to happen but it is totally understandable if it happens, she might need some space after hearing the news)
    - Save some leave from work as well you may need some days off
    - If divorcing is the next step... what are you willing to give up when it comes to custody and material things.

    A lot of people have given you good advice on how to listen and how to treat your wife with respect.

    3 people found this helpful
  9. C4
    C4 avatar
    101 posts
    17 January 2018 in reply to Happy Man
    Hi I came out to my wife 8 months ago after 15 years marriage it was the hardest thing to do and the worst day of my life knowing that those two words meant the end of the marriage and she would be hurt. It’s still a struggle of acceptance for me but one day at a time and it will eventually be ok. Just look at it as a new chapter in your autobiography of life. I wish you all the best for your new life.
    4 people found this helpful
  10. Scotty2013
    Scotty2013 avatar
    102 posts
    20 January 2018

    Hi Happy Man

    There are many men (and women) like you who have taken the heartbreaking decision to end a long, heterosexual relationship in order to feel true to their ‘real’ selves, even later in life.
    Maybe the biggest thing you've had to do and it would feel very overwhelming no doubt , but please don’t give up hope of a truer, happier life.
    I would wish the same for your wife and that in the end you can both cherish the love and friendship you have shared. Even if you’re under separate roofs. Goodluck.


    5 people found this helpful
  11. Happy Man
    Happy Man avatar
    10 posts
    26 January 2018

    Hi Sez, so it happened last night. Biggest challenge of my life. I have broken her heart. I have been up all night and she took it badly. I didn’t want her to fall and hurt herself so I just sat being abused. I have just left the house at her request because the site of me makes her want to vomit.

    Anyone reading this, don’t underestimate the challenge but already the rewards! I have had family contact me offering bed/ I have had no one bad reaction other than my wife. She is angry and I know this. I am lucky enough I can jump on a plane to just remove myself until she is ready.

    Thanks again for all your support, I read over these last night before I spoke

     

    happy man

    2 people found this helpful
  12. Jersie82
    Jersie82 avatar
    1 posts
    27 January 2018 in reply to Happy Man

    Hi Happy Man

    I came to the forum for the exact same advise. I want you to know I think you're incredibly courageous and im so happy that you have already found support at a time where you probably most need it too.

    This has been such an overwhelming battle for me the past (decade really) but few months more so. I've been talking to a guy who has been through a similar journey and has offered to "mentor" me through this.

    The guilt I am feeling is so huge! Am I selfish? Am I wrong? Have I just wasted a great portion of her life?

    Good luck to you. I hope your journey from here is amazing. Please, if you're willing, keep us informed.

    3 people found this helpful
  13. Happy Man
    Happy Man avatar
    10 posts
    27 January 2018

    Hi guys, just an update. My wife and I spoke last night about for about 10 mins, no yelling no shouting. I just let her have the mic and she spoke about her feelings and the future etc. I said to her one day at a time. Before I left I had told her that my phone would be on and she could call anytime if she needed it. She thanked me for answering the phone last night and we agreed communication even as hard as it is must be maintained. She told me she still loved me and I told her I still love her. She wished me good night before hanging up.

    communication communication

    we have been a team for 17 yrs and we will always be a team just not in the old way. She raised $$, and as I said my family ( including her) will never need for anything.

    Have a great weekend 😎

    Happy Man

    4 people found this helpful
  14. C4
    C4 avatar
    101 posts
    27 January 2018 in reply to Happy Man
    Hi mate I did the same thing 9 months ago so I know what your going through and I teared up reading it as it brought back that night for me and it will be sad for a while and my wife now forgives me but there is still that guilt inside but not as much you will move forward at a day at a time I’m still getting used to it and learning to accept myself your wife will move on given time and maybe it was a white lie to her but you suffered longer I wish you well and good luck mate 👍
    4 people found this helpful
  15. Happy Man
    Happy Man avatar
    10 posts
    29 January 2018

    Weekend update- Wow! What an emotional roller coaster. My wife caught me balling my eyes out in my shed this afternoon, I just need some space and my shed is my shed, she walk past looked said nothing. I jumped up went and got the pool toys out and got the pool ready for arvo fun. Standing at the filter I turned around to find my wife next to me, she said she didn’t mean to add stress to the situation and she knows it’s tough for me. She walked away. Later tonight I was in the study doing some work she came in behind me and pulled the chair out and asked for a hug. We held each other for a min and she cried and we held each really tight. She left the room and I collapsed in emotion, how could this lady came and hug the man who ripped her heart apart a Few nights a go. My son walked in and asked me why I was crying and I said I was just sad/happy. He looked at me and said “it’s good to cry dad, I feel better too”.

    Another day done, one day at a time 👍🏼

    4 people found this helpful
  16. C4
    C4 avatar
    101 posts
    29 January 2018 in reply to Happy Man
    Hi I was reading this post and I brought back all the feelings that I went through and still are going through. She may still be hurting but she still managed to give you a hug. It’s a big step considering your lives have been turned upside down. In time you will get over the guilt and shame and she will eventually forgive you but it’s one day at a time 👍
    1 person found this helpful
  17. Just Sara
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Just Sara avatar
    3258 posts
    29 January 2018 in reply to Happy Man

    Hi HM;

    I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you; been in a bit of a slump. It's great to see you're over the first obstacle even though it was distressing for both of you. It's also wonderful you're now communicating from a reality perspective instead of just emotionally.

    I'm so proud of you for letting her speak her mind. As angry and disconnected as she was, it took real love, guts and empathy to allow her that space. Congrat's..

    17 yrs of love doesn't disappear overnight. It seems your humility and integrity has paid off. The support you're receiving from family's amazing and yes, a reward for being true to yourself. I'm so glad you have this in your life.

    Your son sounds just as beautiful as you; what a wonderful expression of empathy. How proud you must be of him.

    No doubt there'll be more tears, but you now have that frightening disclosure behind you once and for all. Thankyou for keeping in touch and look forward to hearing more.

    'Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth'

    Take a knee happy man; give thanks for small mercies.

    Warm thoughts;

    Sez (hug)

    1 person found this helpful
  18. Happy Man
    Happy Man avatar
    10 posts
    16 April 2018
    It’s been a while, and a bloody long journey. I accept who I am but how do I forgive myself. Talking with my wife yesterday, she has out what I told her behind her and she has told me I need to give myself a break. She’s can see how much this is affecting me and has said until I forgive myself, I won’t move forward. ??
    3 people found this helpful
  19. Just Sara
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Just Sara avatar
    3258 posts
    16 April 2018 in reply to Happy Man

    Hey Happy Man; great to see you back.

    Ah yes, guilt! Part of the process before moving on.

    Guilt - a feeling of responsibility or remorse for a wrong doing; whether real or imagined.

    Hmm..wrong doing. What is it you've done wrong? Because the way I see it, you've done everything right! You were sensitive to your wife's needs when telling her your truth. You've been patient and caring towards others and been accepting and grateful for their understanding. You've owned your truth and were brave enough to risk losing people for it, but you haven't.

    So is it fear of the unknown? Maybe you're scared and have been thinking about going back to the way things were, then realising you can't because your truth's out there and can't be un-said. Everything's different; choices are different.

    Please ponder these thoughts ok. Because maybe it isn't guilt at all, maybe it's remorse because you're scared of moving forward and having to start over again.

    Take care hun;

    Sez x

    1 person found this helpful
  20. C4
    C4 avatar
    101 posts
    19 April 2018 in reply to Happy Man
    Hi mate I agree with you I’ve accepted myself finally but I feel the guilt too maybe it’s not what I’ve done to my wife but guilt about me being gay . I know there’s nothing wrong with it but sometimes I think why me . My wife has moved on she’s got a new man and moved in with him and sometimes I think it’s a knife to my heart . I have to think of me now as you will too and forgiving yourself self is the first step to healing the soul. For me it’s still a process but I’m getting there and I’ll come out the other end as will you . Someone said once if you can’t handle me at my worst then you don’t deserve me at my best and it’s true. All the best my friend you’ll be ok 👍
    2 people found this helpful
  21. Only I know
    Only I know avatar
    154 posts
    19 April 2018 in reply to Happy Man

    Hey HM,

    I've just joined this forum for the same reasons. I've been married 20 years (anniversary yesterday). There hasn't been many day's that I don't feel the guilt. With a teenage son and 10yo daughter. I'm 47.

    I think you are extremely brave, and hope that one day I can do the same. My wife is awesome, and I know loves me to death, as I do her. I sort of wish that she didn't, so it would be easier. I guess that my life has been very similar to yours, except for the fact that I have never actually been with another guy in anyway, pre marriage or ever. She in fact, is the only person I've ever been with.

    No one knows that I'm gay. Not a single sole. It hurts badly to have the feelings and I hate that I do, but I know they are part of me and can't change it. It's been so bad these last couple of weeks that I haven't eaten and lost 9kg. I'm going through all the Dr tests etc to find out why, but I know why. It's the big crappy bundle of feelings and emotions.

    You are inspiring though, and I hope that one day I can be as courageous as you. I just can't bear the thought of my wife being hurt so badly. I love her in every way that a husband could, except that one private one.

    I truly hope everything goes well for you, and hope you keep posting as I will be reading with a great deal of interest.

    cheers

    3 people found this helpful
  22. Happy Man
    Happy Man avatar
    10 posts
    20 April 2018
    Thanks C4 & Only I know, we all have our own challengers and please know, I am with you in support. It took me ages to get this stage, one day at a time.

    I have been through some crap in my life but this has to be the hardest thing ever. Acceptance of the situation has been done, I am really comfortable with who I am now, I smile again😊. A mentor…. Can’t say I like this idea as this just brings another person into the fold ( my wife/soul mate is the person I owe time to right now, but understand not everyone has this option. Do what works for you. Trust your gut!

    Guilt is a huge issue at the moment for me. I blame myself for this entire situation, I blame myself for potential wasting 17 yrs of my wife’s life. I blame myself for her 8 kgs weight loss (she does thank for me for this btw..lol) A lot of what’s/if’s. A lot of laughing/crying in our house at the moment. The past 3 months has been hell, but I have learnt more about myself and my strengths and weaknesses. I don’t talk by nature but my wife has pushed and pushed me to talk, nothing is off the radar, we sit and talk about the most stupid things and feelings.

    I am not out and about, close family and friends know and have not stopped treating me any different. My in-laws have struggled and to this day don’t talk to me, but that’s their choice.

    Our kids don’t know the full extent, GP advise they are too young to comprehend. We are ok with this. After the initial struggle our family life has returned to routine which was my wife’s wish, we are a busy family. She has said I have all the space I need to process this situation, I just need to keep communicating with her.

    Some days are hard, some days are harder but one thing keeps me on track…. Being a Happy Man! Have a great weekend😊
    5 people found this helpful
  23. Only I know
    Only I know avatar
    154 posts
    20 April 2018 in reply to Happy Man

    thank you HM.

    It's funny, even though I don't know who you are, I can feel and understand every word you write as if I did. Your wife sounds awfully a lot like mine, so very understanding and loving. I am glad that you are working through the things. You are right, you need to focus on you, your wife and kids.

    I hope that you can continue to post your thoughts and feelings on here, I don't know if it still helps you to talk to this community or not, but whether or not you want it to, you sometimes become an inspiration to others.

    But you can't worry about that, as said you must focus on you!

    Sorry about your in-laws, hopefully they'll eventually be ok, at least to be civil. I guess it is understandable as they are 1. from a different generation that just don't understand these feelings, and 2. their # 1 is your wife and want to protect her.

    Are you kids really young? like around 10? Mine are 10 and 16, and it one of the biggest worries I have. It is one of the biggest blocks to doing anything.

    And aren't friends great? that is really exciting that they have understood and don't treat you any differently.

    I haven't started my own thread yet, but might give it some thought over the weekend (that way it can be all about me! LOL)

    I have taken a lot out of what you have said, so again thank you for sharing your most private thoughts, feelings and experiences so far.

    You have a great weekend too! and keep being a Happy Man!

    4 people found this helpful
  24. C4
    C4 avatar
    101 posts
    25 April 2018 in reply to Happy Man
    Hi there and thanks for the reply I came back from Thailand two weeks ago where I explored my sexuality and even though the experience was good I thought it would fix my issues. Now I’m back I still feel uncomfortable in my own skin and I’m not sure why . I get emotional still at being gay and what I lost but it when I think of the future my anxiety gets worse . Maybe its me worrying about a relationship with a man or being rejected or being labeled something I thought I wasn’t and for some reason being gay scares me . I know there’s nothing wrong with it but I find it hard to move forward and I don’t know why. It is like two steps forward one step back . I just wish it was easy to just accept it and in time I will but it’s hard at the moment. I wish you all the best mate 😊
    1 person found this helpful

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


All done! You should’ve received a confirmation email, so please check when you’re finished here and click the link in the email. If you can’t see it, we might be in your junk mail.

Subscribe failed. Please try later or contact us.