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Forums / Staying well / Be Yourself but who am I?

Topic: Be Yourself but who am I?

  1. quirkywords
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    17 July 2017

    I have often been told to just be myself but then I am encouraged to be softer, think less, eat less, worry less, relax more , exercise more, be more confident, less timid, less cautious, more adventurous,less selfish, stop being a people pleaser, be happier, be kinder , ask less questions and the list goes on.

    I find this confusing if I am to be myself why must I change?

    The other problem is who am I, which self should I be: the introvert, the extrovert, the cautious, the risk-taker, the overthinker, the fast talker, the quiet one, the indecisive one, the spontaneous one, the carefree one, the worried one, the selfish one, the altruistic one, and much more.

    Thse two words be yourself seem so easy for many people but not for me as it fills me with many questions.

    I will limit myself to two questions .

    Can you be yourself without changing?

    Is it possible to change/improve a part of yourself and still be yourself?

    Quirky

    6 people found this helpful
  2. Guest_3712
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    17 July 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Hey Quirky

    Having a break from forums but Just wanted to drop by and say good luck with your thread - lots of good questions hope u get lots of posts.

    Maybe go with what feels right for you -the old gut instinct ?

    Be kind to yourself

    Stressless

    4 people found this helpful
  3. Shelley anne
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    17 July 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky, your words sound a little bit like how I think.

    I am not sure who I am exactly, so how is it possible to be one self.

    I cannot answer your questions. But maybe this issue has something to do with our personality as well. I few things I have worked through in this support group I attend have made it a bit clearer. One was learning about the five different love languages and which one you mostly fit in. The other was the Myer Briggs test. You can do both of these online in a free quiz. The questions helped me to think about what I am like. My personality I guess. From my basic understanding ones personality does not really change. ( though there is exceptions,ie some mental illness)

    There was another lesson on temperaments, like whether you are in extravert or introvert. Whether you show parts of being a choleric, sanguine, peacemaker or Mmm I have forgotten the other one. This lesson was quite good as it showed which one you could identify with. But also when you are in the process of healing you may show many weaknesses in one particular group, plus you see your strengths as well.

    As you can see I am quite muddled up and everything I write is either long winded or what ever else.

    Anyway maybe you could just do one of this lessons or quizes just to sort of get a glimpse into who you are.

    Someone started a thread on here about the five love languages and a member called Blue started the myer Briggs one.

    You have an inquiring mind and it is great.

    Shell xx

    2 people found this helpful
  4. white knight
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    17 July 2017 in reply to Shelley anne

    Hi Quirky

    Great to see stressless and Sheel drop by, great people.

    The question you raise asks more questions about the people around you than from yourself.

    I saw today a boy anout 9yo running and scaring ducks at a park. His mother called him over and berated him saying "those birds have just as much right to a world of peace and happiness as you do, dont ever treat others like that again"!

    You have a right to act as you would naturally, but with consideration for other so you blend in for the sake of happiness all round.

    A quote : you are not in this world to live up to others expectations"

    Tony WK

    5 people found this helpful
  5. quirkywords
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    17 July 2017 in reply to Guest_3712

    Stressless

    Thanks for being my first person to reply to my first thread. That means a lot to me.

    I hope you can relax and pamper yourself on your break from the forums,

    My gut instinct changes due to my mood.

    Thanks again

    Quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  6. quirkywords
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    17 July 2017 in reply to Shelley anne

    Shelly Anne

    Thanks for your detailed reply. I have done Myer Briggs tests before and each time emd up with a different result depending wat mood I am in.

    I have heard of the 5 languages of love but have not read further on them.

    I enjoy reading your posts and find them interesting and thought provoking.

    Thanks again for your help.

    Quirky

    Tony thanks for your reply. I suppose sometimes I feel others expectations become mine and the line is blurred.

  7. james1
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    17 July 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Hello quirky

    I have the same issue because of my "identity diffusion" which basically means I don't have a consolidated sense of self, and I feel like I have to be one thing or another, not that both are part of me. E.g. I'm either a a thinker or I'm impulsive, I don't see myself as being a thinker who's impulsive some of the time, or an impulsive person who thinks sometimes.

    I don't know if you have the same symptoms, but if so, perhaps it's a matter of dealing in non-absolutes. That's what I'm trying to do anyway.

    So when people are saying "be yourself", they maybe don't understand that you feel like to be yourself, you have to be either the carefree one, or the fast talker or the overthinker, etc. For them, they are trying to say: just be you - the one that is all of those things combined.

    But that's hard if you don't know how.

    And when they say you need to be more x or less y, they're saying you're being overly x or not enough y. Perhaps again, that's because you are being one aspect of your personality, not the entire range of people that live inside of you.

    Just a thought anyway :/ I'm fumbling my own way around too!

    James

    2 people found this helpful
  8. quirkywords
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    17 July 2017 in reply to james1

    James 1

    Thanks for your informative reply. I really could relate to not dealing in absolutes. I will try to do this more often as I tend to look at things in generalisations.

    All the best

    Quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Quercus
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    17 July 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirkywords,

    That is an interesting idea for a thread, I'm glad you decided to make one after all 😊.

    Who am I? Such a bloody difficult question. I wrote on the forums once that I ask myself constantly... Am I doing this because I want to or because I have to? At heart I don't really know who I am or what I want.

    My head is a muddle most of the time. I know some things about myself but like you some things change with my mood. Some days I'm bubbly the next week I'm a hermit. Some days I'm patient. Others the rage overwhelms me.

    So I choose to focus on the things within my self that don't change and let everything else fluxuate.

    I know that regardless of my mood...

    I don't like seeing people hurt and helping others feels right.

    I need time alone to recharge and feel stable

    Family is vital to me.

    I need a place to call home. I feel lost without a physical place which is my home base.

    I am uncomfortable with physical contact.

    That's it. That's what I know of me. It doesn't sound like much but it helps when I feel chaotic and my mood changes to know that some things remain stable.

    Do you have anything like that Quirky?

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Shelley anne
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    17 July 2017 in reply to white knight

    I hope it was okay to laugh at what you called me Tony?? I mean no offence to you. I am pretty sure you were referring to me Shell as Sheel. I truly needed a laugh and a bit of lightness just now. Many thanks to you.

    Shell

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  11. Peppermintbach
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    17 July 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky,

    Accidentally stumbled upon your thread when I was checking out new posts. It's a happy accident :-)

    I think this is a very interesting thread, and judging by the varied responses, you have struck a chord with many people.

    Can you be yourself without changing?

    Um...I'm not sure if I have understood this question properly but I'll try adding my 2c anyway...

    I think this largely depends on what is being changed and your reason for the change. As Tony WK said- I'm paraphrasing- if it's a behavioural change that has to do with being considerate of other people (or animals) then I think that you can still "be yourself" in those instances. Apologies to Tony WK if I have misinterpreted your post.

    But I think if the change would require uprooting core aspects of yourself (and not only, say, behavioural changes) e.g. values, principles, beliefs, etc then it might be a different story.

    Is it possible to change/improve a part of yourself and still be yourself?

    Um...fence sitter in me says "yes" and "no." Again, my 2 cents is it depends on why you want to change/improve and how much that change would affect your sense of "self" as you previously knew.

    For example, if you wanted to change to (purely) please other people then maybe you're compromising core aspects of your personality in the process. But if you wanted to change because you felt like your actions were hurting others then I feel you can still be true to yourself in those situations.

    The other thing is that I think people evolve...most people don't just emotionally or intellectually stagnate at one point in their lives. To an extent, I think change is inevitable...whether you still feel like "you" after a series of changes will vary from individual to individual.

    Also, I agree with James' point about how people aren't extremes but we are on a spectrum. Say, just because one identifies as being "introverted" doesn't automatically mean that he/she won't have situations where he or she is the life of the party. Similarly, a person who identifies as "extraverted" can also have moments where he/she just wants to be alone. I like to think we all exist on spectrums of personality and human behaviour. Moreover, we aren't rooted at any one point on any given spectrum...there is room to move in my opinion :-)

    Anyway, that's it from me for now. I don't expect everyone to share the same views as me but I just wanted to chime in with my subjective take on it :-)

    Kind thoughts,

    Pepper

    2 people found this helpful
  12. quirkywords
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    17 July 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Quercus

    Thanks for replying. I appreciate that.

    I like your list, are those core values.

    I am writing these from the top of my head no editing.

    i never want to offend, hurt or doiscriminate against anyone.

    I always try to help others.

    I am honest.

    Iam messy.

    I Ike to collect things.

    I am passionate about destigmatising mental health illnesses.

    Thanks again

    Quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  13. quirkywords
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    17 July 2017 in reply to Peppermintbach

    Pepper thanks for your detailed reply. I put a post on Love yourself thread this morning about my thread.

    I appreciate your support.

    I agree people evolve over time in many ways.

    I think being a fence sitter can let you see both sides or you get splinters.

    Quirky

    2 people found this helpful
  14. Peppermintbach
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    17 July 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky,

    Thanks, in all honesty, I often see more than 2 sides...queen of grey here lol...but hey, if I can get a weird birds eye view then a few splinters is a small price to pay ;-)

    Pepper

  15. white knight
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    17 July 2017 in reply to Peppermintbach

    Hi Shell...small buttons on small phones.

    Quirky, congratulations in this thread, its already sparked interest. You are helping yourself AND other members.

    Seeking out "you" is a brave move. So IMO what does that involve? Speaking as a person that only found himself about 10 years ago and I'm 61.

    1. Drawing a line in the sand on what you disapprove of. Your line, nobody elses. Eg a noisy neighbour might be ok by you. A local asks you to join her in a complaint to council. If you feel such action isnt justified, stand by your beliefs. 2. Write down your likes and dislikes. Say you dislike traffic...counter it eg camping. Dislike frienfs that are bossy...counter action is working towards nicely limiting them from your life. 3. List your "likes". Hobbies, sports, activities. Focus more on such interests.

    Early last year my very depressed wife joined a line dancing group. She loves it. A couple of her friends commented "that's American" and "a waste of time". But she loves it and wont accept criticism.

    Reactions..most of our reactions are uniquely automatic to us. Yes we can all be frusyrating to others at times but at the end of the day too much criticism and constant requests not to say this or that wears you down to the point whereby your confidence is so low you wont have any idea who you are.

    This is why putting up the walls of defence are so important, that line in the sand that you draw telling others "I will answer you how I decide to answer, not give you the answer you crave. If you are not happy with my answers dont ask me the question." Or, "you might not like line dancing, thats your choice. Life is full of choices and opinions. My opinion is line dancing is great for me and I make it my choice"

    It is a pity such basic freedom of choice has to be a struggle for us. Why? Power struggles, manipulation, ownership of you, people thinking others only like what they like....which is a way of saying they are self centred.

    Your pursuit means your are restarting yourself. Insteadvof it being an ordeal see it as an exciting journey of discovery. To find the true you, your own needs, desires and feelings.

    There is only one Quirky and you're very very special.

    Tony WK

    3 people found this helpful
  16. Guest_128
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    17 July 2017 in reply to white knight

    Wow Quirky,

    well haven't you bought a bucket of worms to the party.

    that for me is the number one question?

    I have know fi idea.

    looking forward to what others like us say.

    Thanks

    Later

    1 person found this helpful
  17. quirkywords
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    18 July 2017 in reply to white knight

    Morning everyone and hello to those who have not commented but are thinking about it,

    All contributions are welcome. I like getting ideas from other people because as you can see I am often in a muddle at times.

    Tony, Thanks for your helpful comments and kind words.

    My problem is my likes and dislikes can change daily. My other choice for a thread was on indecision but I could not make my mind up which topic to choose. I do not have definite opinions. I might say I like walking but not when I am tired. I don't like loud music except when I sing.

    I am 60 next year and wonder if I will find 'me' find the authentic me or my voice. This does not worry me but it seems to be a pressure these days to have self knowledge and insight.

    We are all unique and special in our won way yet we are constantly being told to change and improve.

    Nine names

    Thanks for your comment. Is a bucket of worms a good or bad thing. I suppose at a fishing party they would be handy.

    I am also looking forward to other people's ideas and welcome all ideas no matter how short or long-within the character limit!

    This thread is an adventure for me. Join me.

    Quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  18. Quercus
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    18 July 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Morning Quirky,

    My thought for the day...

    What about considering your fluidity as a feature of who you are?

    It can be a huge positive...

    Adaptable. Flexible. Able to conside other points of view. Dynamic. Exciting.

    What do you think? There are pros and cons to all personalities. If you are indecisive does that have to be a negative thing?

  19. quirkywords
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    18 July 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Quercus, that is a great suggestion. I suppose indecision is seen as negative by others but I like the idea of seen it in positive others. Also in some situation indecision could be harmful but in others in could be helpful.

    Can you and others think of a personality trait you have that others may see as annoying, you can reframe in a different way.?

    Like Quercus writing that my indecisive nature could be seen as being flexible and adaptable.

    Quirky

  20. Guest_128
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    18 July 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    If I used all the worms in the bucket to catch fish, I would do very well indeed!

    If I used all the worms in the bucket to ask all the questions I ask myself who the heck is just me, the bucket would be empty and I still wouldn't know who is me!

    What part of me totally screwed up my marriage and family? FOR FIVE YEARS when there was nothing wrong except my Mental Health!

    Later

  21. white knight
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    18 July 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky

    I have my own saying

    "Indecision evaporates with expertise".

    I built my own caravan. It took over a year to design it. I asked hundreds of questions to builders, electricians and so forth. I was really indecisive. I finished it and we towed it around Oz. Now I'm going to build a larger one.

    I'm more confident now. One could say I'm showing an amount of expertise.

    People I've met on the road marvel at a van that looks professionally made. I am more confident now.

    Hope that helps.

    Tony WK

  22. quirkywords
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    18 July 2017 in reply to Guest_128

    Later, you intrigue me.I also ask lots of questions.

    Mental health is a huge issue and can affect many facets of our life. I sense you are looking fir answers and sometimes there aren't any or they may not be the answers we seek.

    I have messed up a lot of my life but now it try to focus on now and the future as I can't change my past. Of course I still feel guilty.

    Tony, I don't see your designing a caravan as being indecisive but it was a steep learning curve gathering the best information. I sometimes can't decide what to have for lunch , and other trivial things.

    I think you are very creative and clever to build your own caravan if you were indecisive you still would not have built it after ten years!!

    Quirky

  23. white knight
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    18 July 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Thankyou Quirky for you are jighlighting the fact that my indecision is actually minor and within the realms of common limits whereas yours is off the scale by comparison.

    I'm vvery intetested in your thread as I havent come across this. A form of OCD perhaps?

    Tony WK

  24. quirkywords
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    18 July 2017 in reply to white knight

    Tony. I am not sure if your are joking. I am not paralysed by my indecision just aware of it . I don't think I have any OCD characteristics .

    obviously my style of writing is confusing people.

    I will try hard to make things clearer.

    Quirky

  25. Croix
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    18 July 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Dear Quirky~

    I saw the title of your thread and thought - that's not for me, I only get confused and overwhelmed (and upset for some reason) if I look too deep at me to see what I am.

    Then I saw Quercus give a short simple list of things she was sure about, others did the same. That sounded like something I could try.

    I need there to be forgetfulness, love, fairness, kindness and the arts in the world. I'm sure those needs are part of who I am.

    I guess it's too general, but it's a start

    Thanks

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  26. quirkywords
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    18 July 2017 in reply to Croix

    Croix thanks for your reply.

    I am not good at titles so I find it hard to choose one.

    I did not mean it to be confusing but I guess I get confused about who I am.

    I too liked Quercus list.

    Thats what I like about posts is someone can see something your thread to make it simple for others. Thanks Quercus.

    Croix I could put all of your list on my list too.

    I am thinking after a week I would want to change my heading!!

    Quirky

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  27. Croix
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    18 July 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Dear Quirky~

    The heading is fine - it's me that gets confused:)

    Croix

  28. quirkywords
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    18 July 2017 in reply to Croix

    Croix thanks but I do tend to confuse people as I ramble a lot.

    I may want to change my heading as I get ideas from the great posts. This is a learning curve.

    People have said this too before I guess but your picture reminds me of The Lewis Carroll poem the Walrus and the carpenter.

    Quirky

  29. Guest_128
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    18 July 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    I'm confused,

    Are you guys married?

    Later

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  30. Croix
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    18 July 2017 in reply to Guest_128

    Dear Later~

    Yes, I am married (but not to Quirky).

    Quirky - the picture is indeed from Alice Though the looking Glass.

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful

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