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Forums / Staying well / Be Yourself but who am I?

Topic: Be Yourself but who am I?

  1. GoodWitch
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    6 September 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    I guess you're right Quirky it doesn't necessarily always work that bullies will leave you alone if you project confidence. I guess I've found that I've become known as someone who speaks her mind these last few years and for me it's stopped people who used to criticise in the past from doing it. Only one person's experience though.

    I agree I hate the term 'toughen up' or 'suck it up' etc. It shifts the responsibility for the mean words from the person saying them to the person receiving them, which is not right. There's nothing wrong with being sensitive, if anything I think we need more of that in this world right now. GW

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  2. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    6 September 2018 in reply to GoodWitch

    Help everyone and welcome to first timers,

    GW

    It is a balance that I never get in between being sensitive and taking responsibility for ones actions. yes I agree more sensitive people are needed and less I insensitive people.

    Tell me what behaviour makes you feel less like yourself.

    what makes you feel uncomfortable and what can you to make you feel more like yourself?

    Hope that isn’t too confusing. .

    Quirky

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  3. Moonstruck
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    7 September 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Quirky.. I wasn't sure you mean "my own behaviour" or "other people's" (?)....an answer to the second question of what makes me feel uncomfortable......is having visitors (even friends or people I like and get along with) at my place, especially having them for a meal, or even coffee...unless they are really really well known and familiar to me..i.e. family or partner..

    I feel very very uncomfortable, thinking they are watching my every move, evaluating my housework attempts,...sort of like they are "invading my personal space"... so I guess "playing hostess" to a visitor, does not feel like "me" at all.....very very uncomfortable......(that was probably too confusing...sorry).

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  4. quirkywords
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    8 September 2018 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hello all

    Moon, sorry that my questions are confusing. I meant how other people's behaviour can really upset and affect us and make it hard for us to be ourselves.

    I can relate to what you wrote. I am not a relaxed hostess and so don't usually invite people over but if they turn up, I am ok, because I feel they will have lowered expectations since they arrived unexpectedly.

    Thanks Moon

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  5. Elizabeth CP
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    10 September 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Quirky asked Tell me what behaviour makes you feel less like yourself.

    If I feel pressured into doing things to fit in with other people's needs/wants I struggle to be myself. This either leads to me overreacting & going the opposite way or I give in. Either way doesn't feel right.

    When I consciously think' I want to ............' or I would like to .........' This then leads me to make choices to achieve whatever I want. For example I want our family to remain close & to support each other. Sometimes my children ask me to babysit when it isn't convenient. By thinking about how helping my children fits with my own goals it feels like i'm being myself rather than just fitting in with others.

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  6. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    11 September 2018 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    Hello all,

    Elizabeth, thanks for your reply to my question .

    I like how you explained the following.

    “By thinking about how helping my children fits with my own goals it feels like i'm being myself rather than just fitting in with others.”

    It is hard when we feel pressured to do things especially out of our comfort zone , and then do them grudgingly. I think sometimes it is right do say no if it goes against our values and principles but if we can think as you do that it fits I. With our own goals as as well as the person as,ing is, that makes it a more pleasurable experience.Rather than doing something and resenting it all the time.

    Quirky

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  7. Elizabeth CP
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    11 September 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Thanks Quirky, Sometimes thinking about my own values helps make difficult decisions. For example while I value helping others sometimes it is more helpful to let them learn rather than me helping. For example one DIL is really bad with money but I avoid helping financially except in real emergencies & with very strict guidelines because otherwise i'm just enabling her to continue in making the same mistakes. Saying no can be difficult & make me unpopular but by thinking why I'm saying no helps me be consistent with my values & helps manage the guilt.

    I'm still learning where to draw the line to fit in with others & to consider my own needs.

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  8. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    11 September 2018 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    Hello all,

    I think many of us are also “learning where to draw the line to fit in with others & to consider our own needs.”

    I wonder how other people balance helping others with addressing ones own needs.

    Quirky

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  9. Elizabeth CP
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    11 September 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Some time ago I discussed this with my psych as it had become a serious issue for me. The strategy wew came up with which has helped is;

    When feeling pressured to do something for someone else I ask for time to think. I do this by saying I'll check my diary or let me check with my husband. I use whatever excuse feels right at the time to give me time to think. I can then think through the options & likely result of agreeing or disagreeing prior to making my decision. I then let the person know what I've decided.

    By giving myself time to think without the other person trying to pressure me or explain what they need & why I'm able to think more clearly & making better choices.

    Once I've chosen if I start feeling guilty I remind myself why I said no or if I start feeling stressed about doing the task I can remind myself why I agreed. It can still be hard but it has helped me.

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  10. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    12 September 2018 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    Hello everyone

    Thanks Elizabeth, that process makes a lot of sense and I will try it.

    I still find whatever I do or try to stop feeling guilty rarely works but I keep trying.

    I like the idea of taking time to think as I often say yes then worry and regret saying yes.

    I find it hard saying no even after a long time of thinking about it. I think being aware of my weaknesses at least will help me with the strategy.

    What do others think of Elizabths plan?

    Quirky

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  11. demonblaster
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    12 September 2018 in reply to quirkywords
    Hi Quirky and everyone

    Elizabeth one of my many is to learn to control over impulsiveness in most areas.
    Saying yes to things comes automatically then I think later hymm. Saying I'll think about it is good. It's a hard one to control. I think a great deal of us have impulsiveness in everyday life. I feel there's less people think before they talk on anything really in regard to how someone may feel with a comment that to them may not bother them and how often we hear or think oops shouldn't have said that and then many don't care of course which is another issue.

    Lovely Quirky " I find it hard saying no even after a long time of thinking about it. I think being aware of my weaknesses at least will help me with the strategy."

    Same and true being aware can help no end.

    Quirky I started but deleted the reply to your friend that I'm putting a lot of thought into. It's going to end up a huge post so I might do it at mine and let you know when I do if that's ok. Not sure when.

    Hope you're doing well and thanks for your good thought provoking threads and again how you go about it :)

    Take care everyone, and hold in there, it's becoming clearer to me as time moves on we can get on top of this. There really is hope and there are ways to get through.
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  12. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    12 September 2018 in reply to demonblaster

    Hello everyone.

    DB thanks for your kind words and thoughtful post.

    When I was high I would be totally impulsive now I tend to over plan but sometimes say things before thinking through.

    Quirky

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  13. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    22 September 2018 in reply to demonblaster

    Hello to everyone wondering how to be themselves in a world of so much conflicting advice.

    Why do some peole feel so comfortable with who,they are? what is their secret?

    Why some people doubt and question every move they make and every thought they think?

    Why are some people hurt by others comments while others let negative words fall off them and just remain on the ground?

    Is it just confidence?

    What does everyone think?

    Quirky

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  14. Moonstruck
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    10 November 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Hey there Quirky......looking back thru some threads I found this one of yours that you don't seem to have used for quite a while....does this mean you know who you are at last? (your title asks "but who am I?")......so I assume you have found out!!! Let us in on your verdict , oh woman of mystery.....who are you?.......take care xx

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  15. quirkywords
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    10 November 2018 in reply to Moonstruck

    hello everyone reading

    Moon,

    if I have written two posts in a row and no one replies for weeks I figure maybe the thread has expired!

    thanks for giving it life again.

    I think I go through phases of wondering whom I am but always questioning it.

    Are we all a mystery to ourselves in some way?

    Quirky

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  16. Moonstruck
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    11 November 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Yes I know what you mean. well, here are my thoughts on your subject....I think you know exactly who you are..you are the only one who does, the only one who has the key to open the private secret "you" that is Quirky. And you get to decide which facet of "you" you reveal to each person in your life.

    I'm not a mystery to myself....I maybe to others, some may think they "know me" but it's only the "me" I choose to let them see ..and how much. Its not being false, it's not putting on an act, or being insincere...it's just that we are multi-faceted.

    at the end of the day (funny old phrase isn't it..that one?)....I know, and YOU know...exactly who "you are".

    3 people found this helpful
  17. Quercus
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    11 November 2018 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hi Quirky and Moon,

    Quirky even if you wrote 4 posts with no reply if there is a "like" please know I am reading but words aren't happening for me.

    I like reading your thoughts and questions. I feel like it helps me on the same journey.

    Your new thread is a facinating concept too. I appreciate you.

    2 people found this helpful
  18. quirkywords
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    11 November 2018 in reply to Quercus

    Nat Moon and everyone,

    you Nat are a gem, thanks for your kind words.

    moon I am not as sure about things as you seem to be, I hav Elias’s of self doubt and I keep changing . I think having bipolar makes me question who I am, the extrovert or the I for ert of course I am a mixture of both.

    When someone calls me mean or nasty but I know I am not, this does make me wonder why other people see me as being mean.

    who do you stop others negative feedback affecting you and who you are?

    I may have asked this before but it is so important to keep searching for an answer.

    Quirky

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  19. Moonstruck
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    12 November 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Dear Quirky...you see, I don't have bi polar, so can't relate to how that affects you "knowing who you are" but I can certainly understand and accept that this would bring its own difficulties in knowing "who you are".

    Yes I know I have answered your last question before, and makes me sound like little golden-haired Pollyanna..(boringggggg) .but re negative feedback from others, or hurtful criticism....I honestly have to say I don't get much of this sort of thing at all...if..at all.

    The people in my closest circle of interaction are supportive, loving and friendly....otherwise they wouldn't be in my close circle of interaction in the first place....(family members excepted of course)....I get much more positive feedback than negative....all the negative stuff comes from ME and my stupid Anxiety......

    hey, I just had a thought....what if you just "stop searching"? the answers may magically appear to you when you least expect them.. love Moon S x

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  20. quirkywords
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    12 November 2018 in reply to Moonstruck

    Moon you are such a sweetie.

    I have this thread but I am content. I am not every day like an explorer searching for myself , I am interested in who I am and how I change.

    I appreciate your support.

    Quirky

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  21. Quercus
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    13 November 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky,

    How do you stop negative feedback overwhelming you?

    Good question.

    Usually I try let it go and just keep trying and doing whatever it is that I am doing in the way I do. That was new. It took wanting to end my life for me to decide that only I get to choose whose feedback matters to me at that moment.

    Even people I care about don't automatically have their view accepted.

    I've chosen to have no contact with my only sister.

    Hubby has been critical a lot lately and I told him I'm sorry but I'm doing what I can and if it isn't good enough, if I'm not good enough, nothing is forcing him to stay.

    Once I was endlessly desperate for external validation and constantly hurting and never good enough. It led me to constantly allow people to hurt me and take take take.

    I'm done with it.

    But my Achilles heel (apart from myself/critic) is accumulated negative feedback. I'm drowning in it at the moment everywhere I turn.

    So I'm isolating myself somewhat.

    Whoever called you mean Quirky tell them to go shove it because they're full of it.

    Thank you Quirky.

    ❤ Nat

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  22. quirkywords
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    13 November 2018 in reply to Quercus

    Hello everyone trying to find themselves or who know who they are,

    Nat, thanks for your thoughts. I was pleased you have decided to not let negative feedback get to you, and not allowing people to hurt you and take take take,

    Then I read that you are drowning in accumulated negative feedback and that made me sad but I can relate to that.

    I can work on present negative feedback where once it would upset me. I had an official person at an airport make me feel so stupid as I went the wrong way and he went on and on about all the signs that were there and announcements . I took a deep breath and thought he does not know me, I made a mistake , and moved on. I was pleased I did not cry.

    I find the accumulated negative feedback from people I care about is the hardest.

    thanks Nat.

    Do people find that negative feedback from the past affects them more when they are grieving, feeling low and vulnerable or can it be a trigger from something totally unrelated to the feedback.?

    Quirky

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  23. quirkywords
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    23 November 2018 in reply to Quercus

    Hello to everyone whether you are reading this for the first time or the umpteenth time.

    Be yourself, I still keep wondering what that means and how I can achieve it when I live in a world where we are constantly told, advised and requested to change.

    As I have written before my biggest challenge is negative feedback from others , and I keep working on this so it does not feed my inner critic.

    I know people reading this will think why can’t Quirky be herself, I have no trouble being myself.

    If you feel like that please share your advice with me and if you have trouble being yourself share your struggles.

    Quirky

    2 people found this helpful
  24. Quercus
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    24 November 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky,

    I was wondering about this very topic. Do people truly want us to change or is our low self esteem colouring how we see the world?

    Today I found myself noticing I am a performer. Chameleon. When my self esteem is at a low I change to suit the people around me. People pleasing? Appeasing? Doormat? Conflict avoidance? Wanting to blend in with the furniture? I don't know why I do it.

    But I found myself wondering are the needs I'm trying to meet real? Do people actually want me to be different? Or is it my self esteem making me believe I am not good enough?

    Sorry this is a rambling, mind wandering thought process that probably makes no sense.

    Do you ever feel like this too?

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  25. quirkywords
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    24 November 2018 in reply to Quercus

    Hello everyone,

    What you have written so clearly Quercus that makes a lot of sense to me and I am sure others. I am all a people,pleaser and I feel if someone comments on something about me they don’t like I try to change it.

    i am not sure if I do it when my self esteem is low or I develop self doubt and and low self esteem from people telling me how I should change.

    it can be something quite superficial . A friend once said to me that I shouldn’t let my children tell me what to do and in her next breath commented that I was wearing a top and a skirt that didn’t match ( nowadays that is considered quite trendy!) and that I should not wear that combination. Now I laugh at this but at the time I felt very foolish.

    I felt ok before she commented as I wear what feels comfortable and I was down to my last clean top.

    So for me I do respond to people’s comments but the ones that really hurt are when people in my family say it is not all about me. Meaning I am selfish and don’t think of others , which is far fromthe truth.

    i have gone out on a tangent now but you have made an interesting point . I think confident people seem to laugh off when people give them unwanted feedback. I would like to know how to do that.

    Quirky

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  26. quirkywords
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    3 December 2018 in reply to Quercus

    Hello everyone

    Is it December already. I wonder do people feel under pressure at this time of year and find it hard to be themselves because there is a lot of socialising and there seems to be an expectation will change old habits in new year?

    What do you think ?

    Quirky

    2 people found this helpful
  27. Elizabeth CP
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    4 December 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    I wonder if part of our problem is the expectation today to 'Be yourself" as if there is this one person we have to discover & being anything else means we're a failure!!

    The reality is that we are each a mixture of different people. For example I'm shy amongst people I don't know well but not with family. I'm really nervous on waterslides or other places I feel out of control but but put me on top of a high mountain looking down at the view I'm confident I suspect most of us are similar in that we have things we are confident in & other areas we're not.

    I think one thing we need to learn (At least I do) is how to deal with other peoples comments. We have a few choices.

    1. Take the comment as a suggestion . If it feels right then follow the suggestion but own it as your own choice to follow the idea. For example Years ago I was struggling to decide what to do career wise. While speaking with my mum she made a suggestion & gave her reasons. As soon as she spoke it felt right. The more I thought about the suggestions the better I felt about it. My mum may have made the suggestion but I chose to follow it & am glad I did.
    2. Other times I have had suggestions made but felt it wasn't right for me. By assuming the person was trying to help but didn't have all the information about my unique situation I was able to keep the suggestion in perspective rather than feeling pressured
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  28. quirkywords
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    11 December 2018 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    Waves to new posters and everyone reading ,

    Elizabeth,

    Thanks for your post. I really agree with this sentence of yours.

    "I wonder if part of our problem is the expectation today to 'Be yourself" as if there is this one person we have to discover & being anything else means we're a failure!! "

    I think I find people keep telling me to be myself then tell me how to change to fir their values.

    Thanks again you have given me much to think about.

    Quirky

    3 people found this helpful
  29. Doolhof
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    11 December 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky, Elizabeth and All,

    "Being Ourselves" is an interesting concept. I am sure many of us take on different personas and attributes depending on where we are and who we are with.

    I'm sure some people may not even realise how much they change in different circumstances.

    One thing with mental health issues, sometimes "the whole world" gets to see the person I am when it hits hard so it seems!

    Some days I have no idea who I should be, so I guess that gives me the opportunity to be whom ever I desire to be on that day! Ha. Ha.

    Cheers all from Dools

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  30. quirkywords
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    11 December 2018 in reply to Doolhof

    Hi everyone ,

    Mrs Dools thanks for your post it makes a lot of sense.

    People who see me when I am quiet think I am always quiet, people who see me wen I talk, think I talk all the time.

    Maybe we all have multiple parts of the whole.

    Quirky

    4 people found this helpful

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