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Forums / Staying well / Talking to your inner critic, can it be tamed?

Topic: Talking to your inner critic, can it be tamed?

  1. quirkywords
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    21 December 2017

    Do you have an inner critic ? Have you ever tried to talk to your inner critic. This is what happened when I tried. In my Be yourself thread people asked about how I interviewed my inner critic. So here it is.

    This is adapted from a writing exercise to interview your inner critic about one's writing. As my inner critic has an opinion all aspects of my life I decided to broaden the scope of the interview.

    Me: I welcome (well I don't really) this opportunity to find out why you always need to have an opinion that is always negative about me and my life.

    IC: I thought this was going to be a friendly interchange of ideas but there you go with your anger and hostile remarks. I do not see myself as negative but as helping you, because you do need help.

    I am here to help you why can't you see that?

    Me: So when I am trying to sleep and you tell me about all my mistakes, embarrassing moments, how does that help me?

    IC: I thought while you are in bed you would have time to consider some of your past behaviours. This I feel will only help you to improve.

    Me: If you are so helpful why do I feel so worthless, so sad, so ignorant when you are around? Do you really know how low I can feel when you are constantly telling me all my faults?

    IC: You make yourself feel that way- I am merely pointing out the truth. It is not my problem that you are so weak.

    Me: Maybe this was a bad idea you are never going to listen to me or understand me.

    IC: Have you ever thought that maybe you shouldn't listen to me if I upset you so much.

    Me How can I ignore you when you are so loud at times.

    IC: See this is what I mean you are so weak. You have the power to ignore me, to silence me but all you do is whinge and complain.

    Me: I am ending this interview. Enough is enough.

    What would you say to your inner critic and what do you want to hear from your inner critic? Maybe you can have a go at interviewing your inner critic.

    Quirky


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  2. Quercus
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    21 December 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Far Out Quirky... I LOVE it. What a great idea.

    Talking to myself appeals (anyone who has read my lists and letters to self will know that).

    I wonder what my inner critic would say? I'm not sure if it would be very nice reading. Maybe I'll try on my thread later (going swimming now).

    Thanks for explaining this. When you said this technique was for writing does that mean creative writing? I wonder if anyone else has techniques like this they have altered or found that challenge unhelpful thinking?

    ❤Nat

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  3. Ggrand
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    21 December 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Quirky, Quercus,

    Thank you, as Quercus said..Far out.

    You really came up with a good mindfulness thread.

    It will be a challenge, but interesting as well.

    I will try this but not just yet, I don't want to ask questions that my inner critic would be to critical of.

    Writing to myself will be new to me, I can try and see how I go. I might like doing it.

    GG.

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  4. Quercus
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    22 December 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi Quirky and GGrand 😊

    Well GGrand I can officially say if you are worried about a harsh response by your internal critic maybe write it offline first.

    I had the same feeling of hesitation. Thank Goodness. It is not pleasant to read in the slightest. I think I will put it on my thread though (with a trigger warning). Worst case scenario it is offensive.

    But it was really facinating for me too. Once I started writing the debate just flowed. You should try it GGrand. I think Quirky is really onto a winner here.

    Would love to know how you (and any others reading) went and if it helped you?

    Thanks again Quirky. This really helped me today.

    ❤ Nat

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  5. quirkywords
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    22 December 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Welcome to my thread,

    I am looking forward to sharing ideas on ow to tame the inner critic, the one who tries to undermine you , who doubts your decisions, who can even spoil the good times.

    Quercus, thanks it was your question that sparked this thread. I am thinking as I wrote my interview a while ago it would be an ongoing conversation but I was surprised how angry I was rather than submissive.

    I think other ideas to help tame the inner critic would be very welcome. As I said this is to share ideas. I am interested in any thoughts that come from your interview with your critic.

    Thanks again for your support and comment.

    GG, How wonderful of you to reply on my new thread. How are you? You make a good point you have to be prepared for a chat with your inner critic. I think a letter to yourself is a good start and see what happens. Thanks again.

    The interview is just one idea. You make like just to ask questions but not answer them, you just want a chat with your inner critic, or you may want to write a list of things you like and don't like about your inner critic.

    I look forward to any ideas and comments . You may have turned your inner critic into a friend? How did you do that?

    Quirky

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  6. Doolhof
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    22 December 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky,

    Thanks so much for sharing this writing and commentary with your inner critic. My goodness, what you have written has been a bit of an eye opener to me at just how easily we take in everything our inner critic or our mind in general tells us.

    I do sometimes write stuff out, using this "inner critic format" will certainly add to my understanding myself. I just need to make time to do the writing!

    Cheers to you from Dools

    And Hi to Everyone reading this thread!

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  7. quirkywords
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    22 December 2017 in reply to Doolhof

    Hello everyone'

    Mrs Dool.

    Thanks for your comments. It interesting for me to see what others read in my writing. I found a lot in Nat's interview with her inner critic and it helped me too.

    I think even being aware of your inner critic can give one insight and the ability to challenge the thoughts without having to write it down.

    Sometimes as I write a comment I need to fight my critic saying what I am writing does not make sense and I should hit delete.

    Thanks everyone for reading and I look forward to reading more suggestions and comments.

    Quirky

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  8. Quercus
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    22 December 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky and everyone else who has written or is reading.

    Quirky thanks for commenting on my interview. It was a very interesting thing to try. What did I learn from it?

    • I am my own worst enemy
    • My critic is a catastrophiser
    • My critic hates me.
    • I am my critic. The critic responses were what I feel on a bad day. A representation of my low self esteem.
    • Criticisms and worry are just thoughts. They have no real power unless I choose to give it.
    • ❤ nat.
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  9. quirkywords
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    22 December 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi to everyone ,

    Nat, I was going to do a list what I learnt from your interview so some may overlap with yours

    *Your critic is a mean bully

    * You give yourself such a hard time

    " You realise you have power over your critic and so your thoughts.

    I think that is a great lesson to learn that we give our inner critic power so we can choose not to.To me that is easier said than done.

    In my interview my critic tells me I have the power to ignore it but I get mad and end it.So I know what to do but I chose to ignore the truth. Any ideas?

    Quirky

  10. quirkywords
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    24 December 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Hello everyone

    I am not sure if anyone can relate to this. Whenever I seem to be feeling ok and dare I say enjoying myself, my inner critic whispers that maybe things are not as I see them. If I am not vigilant I start listening to the critic and before I know it I am doubting myself.

    I wonder how you ignore your critic and don't let it spoil your day.

    Quirky

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  11. randomx
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    24 December 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi one an all.

    l have many inner critics in a sense , l dunno , l always seem to be correcting an adjusting , l really really hate it. if you were talking to me though you'd probably like me because l'm down to earth and pretty grounded , can't resist a joke, just myself, and the astute person seems to recognize l'm also a deep thinker.

    But no one would realize how really , unsure l am about myself or anything these days. how much questioning l do with myself and how much adjusting l do, and how l see most things that are really going on with people , in their heads and thinking and the way they are or act and every molecule of the way they treat me.

    People think you don't see them , some know l see them , l see it in their faces an reactions and caution, but some are clueless, like my sisters , totally clueless running off their mouths an talking over you , they don't even know,

    pEOPle seem to have such a wide spectrum of views and perceptions with me, some will show instant respect , they see things in me, yet some like family l've known all my life see nothing. some don't know you can see the whole picture,not just some tunnel vision view of whatever went on or was said.

    lots and lotsss of things l question about myself especially with people. but nearly every day with my daughter too , my past , my ex w , life , all sorts of you nameee it things. done this did l do that why didd theysay this l should've have done that or said this or l wish l could go back and correct that, or what a mess l've made of my lifeit seems now.

    So yeah , lots of inner critics, l wish l could just live and be happy and be myself on auto pilot. But l've got a bit of a personality that l have to watch and be careful off , so it seems.

    So don't feel bad about your inner critic, l notice even with older people ike my arents before we lost them , they becoming unsure of things , themsleves, even my dad, strongest man l ever knew , yet even he was becoming like that.

    someimes l just want that battle to be ended.

    do you ever feel like that ?

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  12. quirkywords
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    24 December 2017 in reply to randomx

    randomx

    Welcome to my thread and thanks for your thoughtful comment.

    I can relate to most of what you say. I had never thought of having more than one inner crtic, just one powerful one who undermines me.

    Also as I get older I know I am doubting myself more and more. Even ten years ago I had confidence to travel, now I worry about traveling a few hours and staying overnight.

    I get tired of arguing with my critic. That's why I started this thread to get some ideas to tame it.

    I find like you, always second guessing, to be very tiring.

    Thanks again you have given me a lot to think about.

    Quirky

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  13. CMF
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    24 December 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Great thread, will read through properly when i get a chance.

    cmf x

  14. quirkywords
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    26 December 2017 in reply to CMF

    Hello to everyone,

    Thanks CMF.

    I wonder how everyone coped with yesterday.

    Was your inner critic quiet ot did it start questioning things you said or did?

    Or did you decide to ignore your critic?

    Last night I had a friend and her partner over for dinner as it was her birthday and we do this every year. After they had left, my critic started to question things I said and felt I was judgmental and patronising.(yes I know imagine my critic saying that!!)

    . I have no idea idea why I do this but I am aware I do it.

    Can anyone relate or have any ideas how to quiten that voice.

    Quirky

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  15. CMF
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    26 December 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi all,

    my inner critic always pulls me up when I start to feel happy and on top of things. I mean, happiness and good times can't last can they? Everything comes to an end doesn't it?

    my inner critic comes from low self esteem, worrying others think of me and from being a are how I am or how I sound around others. I gues when you've been told that if you do such and such people think your dumb. If you wear such and such people think you look stupid. Being around manipulative and controlling people creates this thought pattern because they have you doing things and accepting things out of beliefs that are not correct.

    my inner critic did pop up yesterday. Did I sound bad when I said something? Was my fruit platter ok or did it look crappy? Is everyone still looking at me thinking I'm stupid Cos I'm single mum, I can't make anything work.

    cmf

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  16. CMF
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    26 December 2017 in reply to quirkywords
    Forgot to add. My critic comes out when I care too much what others think.
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  17. Elizabeth CP
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    26 December 2017 in reply to CMF
    Everyone has an inner critic. We need to be able to assess what we are doing o we can improve or avoid acting badly. Problem is when that inner critic becomes a negative mean critic. I remember one teacher who was very belittling. Nothing I did was good enough. Even when I did something right I was accused of plagiarizing as I couldn't possibly have wrote it myself. The result was I gave up in that class as I knew I was hopeless. Too often the inner critic is like that teacher; a VERY harsh critic. I mentioned in another thread that we should try to develop what I call a kind critic. The kind critic is the other inner voice which points out what we did right or reminds us why we did something. For example 'I've never done that before so I did well for a first attempt & I'm sure I can improve with practise. ' or Doing XXXX is really hard for me so I did well to get as far as I did.' My thought are the more we consciously develop this kind critic which is realistic & accepts how difficult things are & also acknowledges the positives & encourages us to keep trying when things are hard eventually that kind critic can drown out the mean harsh crtic.
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  18. randomx
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    26 December 2017 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    Hell yeah. Had more arguments with myself yesterday than the whole year. How stupids that, of all days.

    Why was l alone l need a women in , my life, sshouldl drive 3hours down to family, l don't want to , to hell with that, lhate christmas, nowmy daughter will be here and it's just me, l feel guilty not having a partner and other people around for her, why don't l invite people, because l'maguy and women are better at setting that stuff up , l'm hopeless at it, wth happened to the year, l'm depressed, l miss my gf so much , l've stuffed and wasted the whole year , on and on and on. Can the neighbours see l've got no visitors, l don't even want visitors, what's wrong with me. l miss my gf, she'll be alone too is she ok, is she thinking about me, and more on and on and on. Thank God l'm not still married or l'd be enduring the day with the in laws , that's one good thing.

    whycouldn't l just wake up and enjou being a slob until my daughetr comes after lucnch.

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  19. quirkywords
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    26 December 2017 in reply to CMF

    hello to all

    Thanks for reading and the great posts.

    CMF, Thanks for your thoughts. As I wrote earlier. my inner critic also picks on me when I am doing ok.

    I think the inner critic does pick on our vulnerabilities our low self esteem and our tendency to worry what others think of us.

    Elizabeth, Thanks so much for telling us about the kind critic. I read what you wrote before and it appealed to me but as I may have said then to me a critic is not kind. A kind person is an encouraging person. the word critic even with kind in front of it makes me think of a two face critic sometimes kind sometimes mean. That is just me. I do like the idea of listening more to the kinder me, unfortunately I need much practice to coax her form hiding.

    Randomx thanks for replying and revealing your inner critic. I hope in then end you enjoyed time with your daughter. The thing is we know we are undermining ourselves but we still do.

    Quirky

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  20. Moonstruck
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    26 December 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Quirky...it was quite a coincidence the first time you mentioned our "inner critic". I think it was on your other thread..because that VERY DAY I had gotten a book from the library and the first Practice in it was about "answering our inner critic".

    It was put so clearly...something like "would you talk to your best friend or to a little child that way?"...."You don't fit in, you never get it right, you overstepped the mark there, they probably think you're stupid now, you can't wear that, you look awful in it, you really stuffed up that didn't you, " and on and on it plays like a relentless loud radio in our head. Why do we let it get away with this dreadful treatment of us? Surely its time we started answering it back!

    the book suggested writing down the next horrible thing the inner critic said and then writing an answer in reply, sort of "sticking up for ourselves" or letting the "gentle critic" speak on our behalf, challenging all the harsh words the cruel one was telling us. I gave it a try. I was surprised at how well I defended myself and shut the cruel critic up!!.... It still comes back of course, it doesn't give up easily.

    I am obviously still very much a work in progress. ( I thought we became wiser as we got "old") luv Moon S xx

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  21. Elizabeth CP
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    26 December 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky, Change the name to kind encourager if you like. I deliberately mentioned 'developing' the kind éncourager because most of us here need one but it will take time & effort. That rotten harsh critic has had control for too long & won't stop without a fight.

    May we all start on the path of developing the kind encourager even if we start by commenting to ourselves once or twice a day how well we managed something that was hard or whatever positive comment we can make to encourage ourselves.

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  22. quirkywords
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    26 December 2017 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    Thanks Elizabeth. It is a great suggestion.

    I will have to learn how to encourage myself as I find that hard because it is so easy yo belittle and undermine myself.

    I suppose one has to learn to turn around the critical language.

    Thanks again you have given us some great ideas to use.

    Quirky

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  23. Quercus
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    26 December 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky (and everyone else who has replied),

    Why does our bully of a critic never be silent hey? Yesterday mine was on a rampage. As soon as the day begun she was in fighting form bringing me right down. I focused on two things. One was to try and be present. The other was to remind myself I was in a safe place with people who don't expect me to be anything but myself.

    An example. The big family breakfast. Aunts and uncles and cousins and their kids. So busy and overwhelming. I escaped to the kitchen to wash dishes. Family tried to make conversation and I couldn't organise any thoughts. I sounded awkward and disjointed. The critic had a field day within. I felt more and more panicked.

    So I started speaking up. I'm sorry I can't seem to focus today but I am trying. The gentle smiles and understanding and reassurance gave my inner critic nowhere to go. They don't care that you're weird was my reply.

    You say the wrong thing... so what? You're frazzled over nothing... so what? Your conversation is awkward... oh well it happens. And the good part... I started to feel better about myself. It didn't change that I was muddled. But it did mean I could just let the critical thoughts pop into my brain and then just let them go.Yes I am human and have faults... and that is ok (everyone else does too).

    I find praising myself just gives the critic more ammunition. It's easier just to say ok you have an opinion. fair enough. Doesn't mean I have to listen to it.

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  24. quirkywords
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    26 December 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Quercus,

    Once again thanks for your insightful analysis into your inner critic's mind and how to manage it.

    I agree that I find 'praising myself just gives my inner critic more ammunition' so that's why I like encouragement rather than praise. I like your plan to say to your critic, ok you have an opinion fair enough but it doesn't mean I have to listen to it. I am witnessing you getting stronger everyday.

    So you can just accept your inner critic but don't take any notice of it or you can have a king critic that encourages you and becomes louder than the inner critic or you may have something else that works for you.

    Quirky

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  25. quirkywords
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    27 December 2017 in reply to Quercus

    How is everyone's inner critic today.

    I am trying to get the kind encourager to stand up to and drown out inner critic. The emphasis on the word trying!!

    How are others going?Any thoughts or questions ?

    Quirky

  26. Quercus
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    27 December 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky,

    Just wondering does it help you when you share your critic vs self debate? When you read my debate and said my critic was a bully it really helped. Having a third party opinion was useful to me.

    Can we help? What is your critic doing to bring you down today?

    Mine is feeding my catastophic thoughts. You feel strong but you're not... Just wait...the slump will come soon. That sort of thing. Having a third party just now (psychiatrist) reassuring me was helpful.

    I hope you can let the critic have an opinion and just shrug it off and move on.

    ❤ Nat

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  27. quirkywords
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    28 December 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Everyone

    Thanks Nat, I started this but was not going to share. it is not dramatic maybe a tad ordinary but that's me nothing flashy!

    This is the first meeting of my inner critic(IC) and the Kind One(KO) and ME near the end.
    IC: I have no idea why we are meeting, you know she never listens to you, as you are you soft.
    She listens to me because she respects me.
    KO: She is scared of you because you are bully. She does listen to me and I am becoming louder.
    IC: rubbish she knows I am right, that she is shy she is scared, she knows I tell the truth. None of this babying here and telling she is doing well and trying hard when it is so clear she does not try hard enough or that her best is just not good enough.
    KO.Who are you to decide what is right for her. You are so negative, so destructive and are only happy when she feels defeated.
    IC: What rubbish. I am right because I know best. I have known her all her life, you are new on the scenes. You know nothing.
    KO: If you know what is best why has she asked me along to help over ride your comments?
    IC: She is confused because you are here, she was fine before you came along.
    ME: Wait a minute all this arguing is hurting my head. Why can’t you both work together to help me.
    IC: I don’t need anyone’s help I have been looking after you ok for years.
    ME: No, you have been putting me down and upsetting me.
    KO: You must listen to my voice and ignore the critic. As long as you acknowledge the critic , I can’t help you.
    IC: If you listen to the Kind One you will have a permanent headache and be confused.
    ME: I will try to listen to the positive and drown out the critic.
    KO: Great that is a great start . I am proud of you

    So any insights or ideas from anyone would be greatly appreciated.

    I feel I am too polite to my critic. I was taught to be polite. So I feel if I ignore my critic that is being rude so I keep listening.

    Quirky

  28. Moonstruck
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    28 December 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    BIG "TICK V.G"........if you know what that means.... VERY GOOD. A-PLUS!! love Moon S xx

  29. Elizabeth CP
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    28 December 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    I wonder if adding some evidence or facts could help. For example IC says your useless you can't do XXX KO replies -- I've never done it before, or I've never been taught how to do it or whatever the fact is Then KO says You can't expect to be perfect first time At least I'm trying & I'm learning As I keep trying I will improve. Hey even Einstein failed at school but he didn't give up.

    Or IC states you are worthless no one likes you You made a complete fool of yourself there. KO says Yes you did make a mistake there but Everyone makes mistakes and my kids love me & I am good at listening to people when they are feeling down & always treat everyone with respect. I don't have to be the life of the party to be worthwhile

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  30. quirkywords
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    28 December 2017 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    Thanks Elizabeth,

    It is funny how I won't challenge the bad things I think about myself but if I will challenge positive things that other say. I have some work to do.

    Elizabeth is great to have your inisght because I often cant see things clearly so I appreciate your time and effort.

    I think we when we generalise saying things Like I am hopeless, useless a failure, it is hard to argue but as you show if we break it down into, I have not done this before, I couldn't do this but I could that etc. it becomes more manageable.

    Quirky

    2 people found this helpful

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