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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

Topic: Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

  1. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    smallwolf avatar
    6176 posts
    7 March 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)
    And that is also ok. We each have our own ways of using the forums or how they fit our needs. For some venting is what they do and happy with that. Others tell their whole story. I guess my hope is that you might get something from my replies.

    Tim
    1 person found this helpful
  2. Tora-Rose
    Tora-Rose avatar
    1 posts
    7 March 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)

    Hi Anne(withan-e)

    Firstly I would like to commend you for sharing any part of your story, and for reaching out in those moments when you felt alone, you should be proud of yourself for that. From what I have read your situation has been extremely tough, I can't imagine the pain you must have been in physically after 13 surgeries. You are never alone there is a huge community of people with compassion and understanding who are more than happy to listen to any gripes you may have and share your burden, a problem shared is a problem halved and she was right, just talking about your problems gives you a better understanding of them and allows you to be open to new ideas of how to manage and solve anything you need help with. As for childhood trauma, there are a great team of people who have been studding this and have found that there is a correlation between childhood trauma and mental health and our ability to understand problems in adulthood without the fight or flight response taking over when not necessarily needed. As a child we learn how to respond to things and when brought up in a loving family with rules and structure we learn strategies how to respond to situations in a healthy way, but if we are brought up with trauma and no love we tend to respond to situations with fear and irrationality, and our fight or flight takes over every thought and action until we remove ourselves from that situation. There are things you can do to regain control of that response, 1; Start your day with making your bed when you get up, that is the first achievement for the day and the last thing at night when going to bed you are reminded that the day started well and regardless of what happened the rest of the day, tomorrow can start well too. 2; Forgive yourself for not having control over your childhood, that is not on you, you were a child that deserved to be looked after, don't allow that guilt to be apart of your future, that guilt is someone else's. 3; Don't ever think that you are not worthy of your care, you have to care for yourself before you can give to others, if you run your cup empty you have nothing left to give, that is why you have to take time to fill your cup with self-care. 4; Be proud of every little achievement no matter how small it's an achievement.

    I hope you find a way to let your inner soul out into the world to be loved, you are worth it, be the love you need, give to yourself before others. I hope this has helped :)

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Anne(withan-e)
    Anne(withan-e)  avatar
    92 posts
    9 March 2021 in reply to smallwolf

    Thank you Tim. I really appreciate your replies. I guess my problem is I head here when I’m low, defeated and thinking dark thoughts, so I’m not probably any where near my best or even decent self. I’m so sorry if I haven’t expressed my gratitude, as I do really appreciate the time effort and care you put into your posts.

  4. Anne(withan-e)
    Anne(withan-e)  avatar
    92 posts
    9 March 2021 in reply to Tora-Rose

    Thanks Tora-Rose.
    I really have trouble with feeling deserving of help. I feel like I should have it together and that my complaints are so minor.

    And there is a part of me that knows I would never act on my thoughts... so they aren’t serious, they’re just attention seeking. it’s not ‘legitimate’...
    But those thoughts are so frequent. My desire to punish myself is so strong. My thoughts that I wish i was out of pain never stop - I don’t wish myself not to be here, I just wish that I was not ‘like’ this (in pain, mentally weak/damaged, a burden)

  5. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6605 posts
    9 March 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)
    Hey Anne(withan-e),

    Thanks for reaching out to your friends on the forums and keeping the community updated on how you've been going. We're really sorry to hear that you're struggling with feeling deserving of help, and feeling the desire to punish yourself. Please know that you are strong and important- and we're all here to help you through this. You never have to go through this on your own, and there's always somewhere to turn to during overwhelming moments like these.

    We'd really encourage you to reach out to the kind counsellors at our Beyond Blue Support Service (1300 22 4636), or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14), or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). They're here for you 24/7, as often as you need whenever things are feeling difficult to cope with.

    Please feel free to keep updating us on how you're feeling whenever you feel ready, and we hope that you reach out for some extra support tonight if you need. You are deserving and worthy of support, and we all want to help you through this difficult time.
    1 person found this helpful
  6. Anne(withan-e)
    Anne(withan-e)  avatar
    92 posts
    9 March 2021 in reply to Sophie_M

    Thanks Sophie M,

    I have tried calling the help lines before but I just feel so stupid and like I am taking up the person’s time. Then I feel worse. I’m scared to call again.

    I just hate this feeling. I’m so helpless to make it stop.

  7. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6605 posts
    9 March 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)
    Hey Anne(withan-e),

    Please know that these services are designed for you to reach out to during times like these, in no way are you taking up anyone's time. Sometimes it can be really grounding to be able to talk these feelings out loud with a counsellor, who can help in offering support and advice to help ease the intense and ovewhelming feelings. However, we can hear that you are feeling a bit worried and hesitant to call- do you think you might feel more comfortable trying online chat instead? We think it might be really helpful to reach out to our friends at Suicide Call Back Service who offer 24/7 online chat at https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/phone-and-online-counselling/
  8. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    6176 posts
    10 March 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)
    I understand what you are saying. And thank you for letting me know.

    I respond because I want to. I know what it is like to not have anyone to talk to, or to get the response you are looking for. And when I respond I try to give ideas that have worked for me. Or offer suggestions or ask questions for further discussion? And at the end of the day it is about connection and we are on this journey together.

    And you are deserving of help if that is what you need or want.

    PS. I was listening to a podcast today which was triggering. Something which happened years ago. It is not related to what started my journey here but explains part of me. As I am deserving, so are you.
    1 person found this helpful
  9. Anne(withan-e)
    Anne(withan-e)  avatar
    92 posts
    15 March 2021
    I am non stop self sabotaging and damaging. It’s so stupid I know I’m doing it I know the consequences and I do it anyway. I don’t know why I don’t just stop?????
  10. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6605 posts
    15 March 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)
    Hi Anne(withan-e),

    We can hear it's been a really tough time for you for a while now and it can be really exhausting when each day becomes a struggle. We hope that you can try to be gentle with yourself at this time, and that you are still accessing ongoing mental health support to help you work through these feelings. 

    It sounds like you are quite hard on yourself - it's important to remember that you've been through a lot and just getting by day-to-day can be a job well done in these tough times. You might be interested in our page “When your inner critic is giving you a tough time”

    It's good to see that you've made some connections in the community. We hope that this is of some comfort to you. You mentioned in your first post that you have many hopes, wishes, desires - if you'd like to and you're comfortable, we're sure the community would be interested in hearing about what these are.

    Please feel free to keep us updated here anytime.

     
    1 person found this helpful
  11. jumpy jellyfish :-]
    jumpy jellyfish :-] avatar
    272 posts
    21 March 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)

    hey Anne,

    Just wondering how you're going? If you're not up to sharing, that's ok. Thinking of you.

    1 person found this helpful
  12. Anne(withan-e)
    Anne(withan-e)  avatar
    92 posts
    22 March 2021 in reply to jumpy jellyfish :-]

    Thanks Jumpy.

    I’m about the same. I’m still feeling pretty overwhelmed and helpless.
    I am pretty scared about how I’m feeling on a day to day basis. And I’m really worried it won’t get any better.
    I feel like I’m just watching everything slip away.

  13. jumpy jellyfish :-]
    jumpy jellyfish :-] avatar
    272 posts
    22 March 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)

    I'm sorry you feel like that, sounds like it's been tough. Just remember you are deserving of love and support and we are here for you xx

    It's ok sometimes to worry, but please try not to let it consume you, you deserve so much more than that.

    Also remember that if you begin to feel really unsure of how your feeling or scared about it, reaching out is always an option. I know you've said before you find it hard, but honestly, imagine if someone else came up to you and told you about how they were struggling (with similar things to you). You would validate them I'm sure :) and it's the same for you. Even if you don't think you deserve help, other people think and know you do.

    Worrying that things won't get better means that you are trying hard, and even if you can't see the progress you're making for yourself, it's there I promise :) It comes slowly but surely. Hang in there ok :)

    Take care xx

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6605 posts
    22 March 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)
    Hey Anne(withan-e),

    We're so sorry to hear that you're feeling helpless. It sounds like it's been a really difficult period for you. We hope that these forums are of some comfort to you in this tough time.

    You've previously mentioned that your friends are a helpful distraction. Is there a friend you can call tonight to chat with you?

    Alternatively, please do remember that the counsellors at Lifeline are available for moments like this. Lifeline is a national charity providing all Australians experiencing emotional distress with access to 24/7 support on 13 11 14, or chat with them online 7pm-midnight AEDT - https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/

    Thanks for keeping us updated Anne. We hope you can find some comfort tonight.
    1 person found this helpful
  15. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    6176 posts
    22 March 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)

    hi,

    I am hopeful for you that things can get better.

    well they have been been for me ... if slowly.

    which is nether a good nor bad thing. Things may take time. It took me a while to get used to it. I would think things were getting better and then the goal moved. Today, I have different stories I can use to deal with that. I can share these if you want.

    So if you are afraid things won't get better.... well that was me also.

    Hope your day was ok.

    2 people found this helpful
  16. Anne(withan-e)
    Anne(withan-e)  avatar
    92 posts
    23 March 2021
    Thanks Jumpy. It’s so hard to see that I’m getting anywhere, but it’s nice that you’re trying to help me see.
  17. Anne(withan-e)
    Anne(withan-e)  avatar
    92 posts
    23 March 2021 in reply to Sophie_M
    Thanks Sophie, it is super difficult. I’m really grateful that I didn’t feel as alone from the replies here that night.
    I have had a really hard few days, all things outside my control but really deeply challenging my ability to cope.

    chatting to friends has certainly helped as a distraction.
  18. Anne(withan-e)
    Anne(withan-e)  avatar
    92 posts
    23 March 2021 in reply to smallwolf
    Thanks time for being both sympathetic to my fear yet hopeful for me.
    I’m glad to hear you’re feeling like you have strategies that are helping. Xx
  19. jumpy jellyfish :-]
    jumpy jellyfish :-] avatar
    272 posts
    24 March 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)
    that's ok, im sorry you've been going through such a rough patch but glad you've been able to talk to friends as a distraction. you are so strong xx
    1 person found this helpful
  20. Anne(withan-e)
    Anne(withan-e)  avatar
    92 posts
    25 March 2021

    Just my honest thoughts, please I don’t want anyone to be worried, but wondering about how I’m feeling.

    I feel like I really want out. I’m so defeated and really feel like the world doesn’t need me.
    But I also know I won’t do anything.

    Does this mean that my feelings aren’t real, or maybe that I’m just attention seeking? That I’m not actually in trouble, more that I’m just being a sook?

    I just feel it so strongly, but I won’t give in.

  21. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6605 posts
    25 March 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)
    Hi Anne(withan-e),

    Were sorry to hear that you are struggling so much and that you think the world doesn't need you.  I can assure you that you matter and that your loved ones will miss you greatly if you were not around.  We do not think that you are seeking attention or being a sook.  We recognise that this is a genuine question and that you are asking earnestly. 

    Please contact Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) if you are feeling overwhelmed.  They are there to support you and it is their pleasure to do so.

    You can also contact Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

    You are not alone and these services are here to support you.  You mean a lot to this community.  


     
    1 person found this helpful
  22. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    25 March 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)
    Hey Anne, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, are you safe? The world does need you, it's a blessing with you in it. You're not attention seeking or being a sook, it's ok not to be ok.
    1 person found this helpful
  23. Anne(withan-e)
    Anne(withan-e)  avatar
    92 posts
    26 March 2021

    Thank you. I’m safe, I don’t want anyone to worry. I wouldn’t ever act on it like I said, it’s just taking so much energy feeling like this and questioning myself all the time.

    I am so exhausted. The feelings and thoughts don’t stop. I just want it to stop and I feel like it’s the only way but I don’t want to not be here. I just don’t want to feel this way either.

    it’s confusing and consuming. I hate being stuck here.

    1 person found this helpful
  24. jumpy jellyfish :-]
    jumpy jellyfish :-] avatar
    272 posts
    26 March 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)

    Hey, glad you're safe Anne,

    I can empathise with your feelings and I'm sorry you're so exhausted. Sounds like lately it's been pretty draining lately and I just want you to know you're not on your own. We've got your back and we're here for you.

    Take care of yourself xx hugs

    1 person found this helpful
  25. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    26 March 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)

    Hi Anne. I'm glad you're safe.

    We do worry, we're a supportive bunch here, but I see where you're coming from. I know how you feel, being exhausted and feeling what you described is common, you're not alone. We're listening and here for you. Take care, be safe.

    1 person found this helpful
  26. Anne(withan-e)
    Anne(withan-e)  avatar
    92 posts
    28 March 2021

    Thanks for being here.
    I’m reaching out for the listening ears as I’m feeling pretty shaky.

    you’ve all seen I’m not doing the best lately. My psychologist has seen that too. It’s been pretty bumpy. And although I feel like I’m always stuffing it up, like I just can’t talk enough to help myself - I get so stuck or I zone out... the sessions, they are one more little thing I cling to, to know I’m still trying, that there’s still a chance I’ll pull myself out of this...

    unfortunately she has to reschedule this week, I’m away the next, I can get to one week and then she’s away. I’m not angry or annoyed about the missed sessions or anything, it’s life and unavoidable. I am though really angry at myself for how I am reacting. I just feel like I’m falling, and I don’t know how far I’ll fall before it stops. I can’t sleep, I can’t concentrate, I just feel like I’m being completely unreasonable and childish. But I can’t convince myself I’ll be okay. It’s scary.


  27. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6605 posts
    28 March 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)
    Hi Anne(withan-e), 

    We're sorry to hear that you're shaky and feeling scared. It is okay to be upset about the cancelled appointment and that you will not see your psychologist for another two weeks. You're right, it is life, and these things are unavoidable, but you're still allowed to be upset or shaken by them. Try not to beat yourself up about this; be kind to yourself. 

    Remember there are multiple, free support/counselling options to help get you through the next few weeks:
    • You are welcome to get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service which is available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport
    • We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
    Please also continue to come to our forums for peer support. You arent alone in feeling this way; we are here for you. 
    1 person found this helpful
  28. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    6176 posts
    29 March 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)

    i just want you know that I have been there were an appointment has to be rescheduled. You get yourself ready for an appointment and then find out it is not going to happen and then it on a waiting list or until the next session. In some ways I look forward to a session as its a way of working out a problem. So when it doesn't happen it is a real downer. And YES... I should be able to cope but....

    You are not alone here.

    1 person found this helpful
  29. Anne(withan-e)
    Anne(withan-e)  avatar
    92 posts
    13 April 2021

    Having some time off work for Easter has been good. I felt a little more on top of things and less tired, despite continued poor sleep. I felt like I was going to be okay for a bit there. Like I just needed some time to recharge...

    But I’ve only been home a few days and already the overwhelm has hit me. I’m so upset with myself that I have fallen over so quickly. ...but it was like a brief glimpse of something better before I threw it all away again and got lost in the mess. I’m so angry with myself for my lack of fortitude.

  30. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    6176 posts
    15 April 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)

    and perhaps that glimpse of something better shows you a future to aim for?

    Two things that happened to me recently have made things better for me. I will tell you one of these - being able to say thank-you without any negative remarks. There was something a lot bigger for me that is between my psychologist and myself but...

    It has so far taken me a few years of seeing a psych, and chatting with others to get to this point.

    I am not telling you this so you might think "it will take that long?!?". Rather we each overcome challenges in our time and for some, it might be a month, or 6 months, or longer. Perhaps other than the fact you would have been relaxing, what else was different about that time you felt better compared to "now"? Maybe there are some things that you could incorporate into your life from that relaxing time?

    Just a thought.

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