Hi Anne(withan-e)

Firstly I would like to commend you for sharing any part of your story, and for reaching out in those moments when you felt alone, you should be proud of yourself for that. From what I have read your situation has been extremely tough, I can't imagine the pain you must have been in physically after 13 surgeries. You are never alone there is a huge community of people with compassion and understanding who are more than happy to listen to any gripes you may have and share your burden, a problem shared is a problem halved and she was right, just talking about your problems gives you a better understanding of them and allows you to be open to new ideas of how to manage and solve anything you need help with. As for childhood trauma, there are a great team of people who have been studding this and have found that there is a correlation between childhood trauma and mental health and our ability to understand problems in adulthood without the fight or flight response taking over when not necessarily needed. As a child we learn how to respond to things and when brought up in a loving family with rules and structure we learn strategies how to respond to situations in a healthy way, but if we are brought up with trauma and no love we tend to respond to situations with fear and irrationality, and our fight or flight takes over every thought and action until we remove ourselves from that situation. There are things you can do to regain control of that response, 1; Start your day with making your bed when you get up, that is the first achievement for the day and the last thing at night when going to bed you are reminded that the day started well and regardless of what happened the rest of the day, tomorrow can start well too. 2; Forgive yourself for not having control over your childhood, that is not on you, you were a child that deserved to be looked after, don't allow that guilt to be apart of your future, that guilt is someone else's. 3; Don't ever think that you are not worthy of your care, you have to care for yourself before you can give to others, if you run your cup empty you have nothing left to give, that is why you have to take time to fill your cup with self-care. 4; Be proud of every little achievement no matter how small it's an achievement.

I hope you find a way to let your inner soul out into the world to be loved, you are worth it, be the love you need, give to yourself before others. I hope this has helped :)

Thank you Tim. I really appreciate your replies. I guess my problem is I head here when I’m low, defeated and thinking dark thoughts, so I’m not probably any where near my best or even decent self. I’m so sorry if I haven’t expressed my gratitude, as I do really appreciate the time effort and care you put into your posts.

Thanks Tora-Rose.
I really have trouble with feeling deserving of help. I feel like I should have it together and that my complaints are so minor.

And there is a part of me that knows I would never act on my thoughts... so they aren’t serious, they’re just attention seeking. it’s not ‘legitimate’...
But those thoughts are so frequent. My desire to punish myself is so strong. My thoughts that I wish i was out of pain never stop - I don’t wish myself not to be here, I just wish that I was not ‘like’ this (in pain, mentally weak/damaged, a burden)

Thanks Sophie M,

I have tried calling the help lines before but I just feel so stupid and like I am taking up the person’s time. Then I feel worse. I’m scared to call again.

I just hate this feeling. I’m so helpless to make it stop.

hey Anne,

Just wondering how you're going? If you're not up to sharing, that's ok. Thinking of you.

Thanks Jumpy.

I’m about the same. I’m still feeling pretty overwhelmed and helpless.
I am pretty scared about how I’m feeling on a day to day basis. And I’m really worried it won’t get any better.
I feel like I’m just watching everything slip away.

I'm sorry you feel like that, sounds like it's been tough. Just remember you are deserving of love and support and we are here for you xx

It's ok sometimes to worry, but please try not to let it consume you, you deserve so much more than that.

Also remember that if you begin to feel really unsure of how your feeling or scared about it, reaching out is always an option. I know you've said before you find it hard, but honestly, imagine if someone else came up to you and told you about how they were struggling (with similar things to you). You would validate them I'm sure :) and it's the same for you. Even if you don't think you deserve help, other people think and know you do.

Worrying that things won't get better means that you are trying hard, and even if you can't see the progress you're making for yourself, it's there I promise :) It comes slowly but surely. Hang in there ok :)

Take care xx

hi,

I am hopeful for you that things can get better.

well they have been been for me ... if slowly.

which is nether a good nor bad thing. Things may take time. It took me a while to get used to it. I would think things were getting better and then the goal moved. Today, I have different stories I can use to deal with that. I can share these if you want.

So if you are afraid things won't get better.... well that was me also.

Hope your day was ok.

Just my honest thoughts, please I don’t want anyone to be worried, but wondering about how I’m feeling.

I feel like I really want out. I’m so defeated and really feel like the world doesn’t need me.
But I also know I won’t do anything.

Does this mean that my feelings aren’t real, or maybe that I’m just attention seeking? That I’m not actually in trouble, more that I’m just being a sook?

I just feel it so strongly, but I won’t give in.

Thank you. I’m safe, I don’t want anyone to worry. I wouldn’t ever act on it like I said, it’s just taking so much energy feeling like this and questioning myself all the time.

I am so exhausted. The feelings and thoughts don’t stop. I just want it to stop and I feel like it’s the only way but I don’t want to not be here. I just don’t want to feel this way either.

it’s confusing and consuming. I hate being stuck here.

Hey, glad you're safe Anne,

I can empathise with your feelings and I'm sorry you're so exhausted. Sounds like lately it's been pretty draining lately and I just want you to know you're not on your own. We've got your back and we're here for you.

Take care of yourself xx hugs

Hi Anne. I'm glad you're safe.

We do worry, we're a supportive bunch here, but I see where you're coming from. I know how you feel, being exhausted and feeling what you described is common, you're not alone. We're listening and here for you. Take care, be safe.

Thanks for being here.
I’m reaching out for the listening ears as I’m feeling pretty shaky.

you’ve all seen I’m not doing the best lately. My psychologist has seen that too. It’s been pretty bumpy. And although I feel like I’m always stuffing it up, like I just can’t talk enough to help myself - I get so stuck or I zone out... the sessions, they are one more little thing I cling to, to know I’m still trying, that there’s still a chance I’ll pull myself out of this...

unfortunately she has to reschedule this week, I’m away the next, I can get to one week and then she’s away. I’m not angry or annoyed about the missed sessions or anything, it’s life and unavoidable. I am though really angry at myself for how I am reacting. I just feel like I’m falling, and I don’t know how far I’ll fall before it stops. I can’t sleep, I can’t concentrate, I just feel like I’m being completely unreasonable and childish. But I can’t convince myself I’ll be okay. It’s scary.

• You are welcome to get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service which is available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. 
• We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

i just want you know that I have been there were an appointment has to be rescheduled. You get yourself ready for an appointment and then find out it is not going to happen and then it on a waiting list or until the next session. In some ways I look forward to a session as its a way of working out a problem. So when it doesn't happen it is a real downer. And YES... I should be able to cope but....

You are not alone here.

Having some time off work for Easter has been good. I felt a little more on top of things and less tired, despite continued poor sleep. I felt like I was going to be okay for a bit there. Like I just needed some time to recharge...

But I’ve only been home a few days and already the overwhelm has hit me. I’m so upset with myself that I have fallen over so quickly. ...but it was like a brief glimpse of something better before I threw it all away again and got lost in the mess. I’m so angry with myself for my lack of fortitude.

and perhaps that glimpse of something better shows you a future to aim for?

Two things that happened to me recently have made things better for me. I will tell you one of these - being able to say thank-you without any negative remarks. There was something a lot bigger for me that is between my psychologist and myself but...

It has so far taken me a few years of seeing a psych, and chatting with others to get to this point.

I am not telling you this so you might think "it will take that long?!?". Rather we each overcome challenges in our time and for some, it might be a month, or 6 months, or longer. Perhaps other than the fact you would have been relaxing, what else was different about that time you felt better compared to "now"? Maybe there are some things that you could incorporate into your life from that relaxing time?

Just a thought.