My friend finally came over and fixed my light bulb and put together my fan for me. He was only over for an hour but was very apologetic about taking so long; he was dealing with a lot of family issues but obviously I didn't know about that because he wasn't communicating to me before hand. I've had another 2 fillings done by the dental clinic and have a cleaning to be done by them. ThenI need a further 4 fillings done at a private clinic and my crown which will cost $1000. And despite me needing all of this work done. There is no follow up appointments at the dental clinic it's complete b.s because I obviously am going to need a watchful eye on my teeth and don't have the money plus have medical conditions and medications that give me dry mouth and contribute to ongoing issues. .. but nope. I'm back in the private system and she said... oh make sure that you get a professional clean every 6 months... like I'm deliberately not looking after myself. I'm angry with myself and my body for letting me down. I have every intention of doing things like sorting all the clothes strewn across the floor.. and cleaning my apartment but all I managed today was to get up have breaky etc walk to the dental clinic and then walk to Australia post who of course didn't deliver my parcel... which doesn't fit in my backpack.. so I use a plastic bag to walk a kilometer or so home... then jump into the shower in an attempt to get my body temperature down. I looked like a tomato at this stage... fall into bed and sleep.. wake up about 3 hours later, binge eat and drink. Making myself feel ill. And bloat up. There's nothing worthwhile on tv.. so I'll probably listen to music until I don't feel ill. Then go to sleep. So it feels like a waste of a day. My place is the worst it's been. Yet I can't get any help. And so I'm stuck with it. I was struggling with the heat, the humidity and a body that's not working properly. I feel like my bodies general conditioning has deteriorated so much. And I want to do more and I can't and I'm so frustrated and angry and no one has a clue how much I'm struggling and there's no way out of the struggle.

Hey Monkey, thanks for your kind words. I'm sick of struggling with my health - it's been since I was a teenager. I'm in my 40s now. And have been adding vertigo to the list.. which isn't fun at all.

Plus I'm still struggling with the finances. So Christmas isn't going to be exciting unfortunately. I can barely afford to keep my head above water. I just want life to be easier and it never gets any easier. I'm so tired of struggling with everything and no support. I know what I want from life. And it never happens. .. so I don't know why I'm trying to make it happen.

I'm sick of struggling and sick of life

Hey Bbydoll, my struggles are different to yours. But I feel the same as you... I am sick of struggling and sick of life.

Just wondering what it is that you want out of your life?

The dream you have of travelling sounds real good. I would love to do that as well. Going to Canada sounds especially nice. Do you have an adventurous spirit then? It sounds like you do. I have one.

Troubling circumstances in life often feel like a storm to me. I sort of feel tossed around and they can feel so so overwhelming and heavy. And it's a challenge to see anything good in life. I think I need to look better at the good things, things that are lovely, things that are beautiful etc. Do you ever do that at all? Cause it is not easy when swamped with all this heavy stuff. And sometimes challenging when you are dealing with physical pain.

Cherry blossoms sound pretty, I am not sure what they look like. But will find out

Cherry blossoms are beautiful and leave a trail of blossoms on the ground. Not surprisingly it's a busy time in Japan when they come out! I love the food as well.

Hard times make me feel like I'm suffocating - especially at the moment and I feel invisible in dealing with this alone. I'm finding it very difficult not to want hurt myself at the moment... even without the crappy year that everyone seems to have had!

I see what you mean by the Cherry blossom trees. I just had a look at a few. They are absolutely beautiful. There was a line of them all pretty and pink. Wonder if they grow in Australia well? Can you speak Japanese at all?

And can you visit with your brother and sister in law via zoom or something similar? And your with your mum at all?

The suffocating feeling you mentioned does sound like a bit like the heaviness and stormy thing that has been happening to me. Though today and yesterday was a little calmer.

What is the autoimmune illness you experience? You may have mentioned before though.

Is the swelling in your feet and legs, does putting your feet up help. I use to work as an enrolled nurse so I am remembering when patients had swollen feet and legs, we helped them raise there legs up into a foot stool. Also they wore these white stocking things to help with there circulation.

I better go as the dishes need to be washed up.

How are you today Bbydoll?

I wanted to let you know you popped into my thoughts as I was singing a song a few minutes ago. The song I was singing was an incredibly encouraging one. And I found myself being happier

It was like some of the gloom and the heaviness and overwhelming feelings I had been experiencing left me.

Parts of the words in this song were about singing. And sing loud in the midst of the storm (storm often being difficult, sad, awful, heavy circumstances in life)

So yeah anyway I really want to encourage you to find a song that is a happy one, one that has words of encouragement of some kind in it. And simply sing it aloud with everything within you. If you can left your hands in the air, I reakon do it. Or even dance if you can.

Maybe it all sounds weird. But it did help me just now. And you did pop into my thoughts, so I was thinking I should tell you.

Shelley

Thank you Sophie and Shelley. I'm lying down at the moment did some cleaning this morning and cooked myself a lovely lunch (with leftovers for dinner). I was going to try and have a nap but the vertigo is playing up, so that's put a stop to it. I will be catching up with my brother and his family next month some time when they're well again. I have a background illness of chronic fatigue syndrome and Crohns disease (multiple operations including the removal of colon/appendix). I now also have been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, sjgroens and something else which I have gone blank on. Plus chronic pain syndrome. My kidney function hasn't been working properly for 18months and I'm overdue to see my kidney doctor; my GP is concerned that I may have permanent kidney damage. My dad was on dialysis before he passed (but not from that). And every time I see the kidney doctor, I have a small panic attack as I worry that I might end up there myself. I already put my feet up when I sit down at home. And have propped up my feet in bed... and being a frequent flyer at the local hospital I've known to do that. Plus I have neuropathic pain in my feet, so they're often sore anyways. The bloated feeling is in my feet/ankles and stomach. I'm fairly certain that I've gained more weight from binge eating. Which helps nothing! One of the problems with having crohns and so many surgeries is that I can't tell why I'm so bloated in my stomach.. it's probably a combination of the surgeries and Crohns disease; I did ask my gastroenterologist about it but he had no answers - I'm one of his more complicated cases.... as with everything it seems.

Shelley, thank you for thinking of me. Music is a big passion of mine. So I can relate. It's usually what I listen to, even when I'm unwell/in a lot of pain, I can switch on my headphones and shut out everything else. I don't speak Japanese. I don't know if they're the same, but I know in Tasmania they have cherry trees there. I visited a friend of mine about 9 years ago. And I saw a few random cherry trees along the front of a few houses. They also have a cherry farm, which you can visit that produces cherry flavoured lollies, ice cream and all sorts of things. As well as giving some information on how they all started in photos and information in their foyer.

I wish I could have some relief from my pain. Which unfortunately is made worse from actually doing errands = no quality of life for anyone.

I've been really struggling. Trying to stay offline to save money because I'm being screwed over by the phone company. But I can't access this site on free wifi at the local shopping center. I want to change my life for the better. But it's seemingly impossible when everything is against me all the damn time! My mum has been unwell and although she's in care now - they're looking at boosting the support she's getting. Her health is declining because she's sitting in her room mourning the loss of another man she befriended who has unfortunately passed away. It's been 12 months since ive seen her. And my brother has seen her a couple more times.

I really want and need this year to be better... but I fear I'm in for another bumpy year and I can't take much more hardships.

Thanks for your responses but with respect to you both. I've had health issues all my life. I'm almost 44. I've tried everything I can to keep my head above water but every time I try and focus on something to do to keep me occupied my health has failed me. I've tried over the years different things to study to take me down a potential path of employment at the end of it in various different fields but haven't even completed the courses because of my health. Yes I don't need a carer but I also don't have a car and can't drive. My health and fatigue are a range of auto immune illnesses that have put me through multiple stays hospitalizations and surgeries etc. The last time I tried studying online at a local campus pre admission course to potentially get me into a degree, a 20 minute train ride away! I completed the 2nd week of it. After missing the 1st week with a flu (precovid). I ended up in hospital with a suspected pulmonary edema (blood clot in my heart). They found one in my leg as well. I was immediately started on blood thinners for 3 months which is standard treatment for such matters. It threw out my menstrual cycle and I bleed heavily for 3 straight months. So I had to stop said course as I was often bed bound. I also needed a double blood and a double iron transfusion and of course went back to hospital for this! And subsequently also found antibodies to my blood making it that much harder when I need further bloods. That is just one example I can give you plenty more of them!!

I've found out that most people in my life don't want to hear about my constant health problems 2 thongs happen. I either get sympathy from them which I don't need. Or they change the subject. Yes. People have it worse than me. I understand that. But I am struggling with this. It is why I put this post up. Because I am sick and tired of BEING sick and tired... with everything in my life. It's an ongoing issue with out any end in sight except death

Oh Bbydoll gosh my heart goes out to you. I wish I could help you.

I think I may be understanding a bit more. Reason being it is very challenging to focus on much else when you are feeling constant physical pain. All you want is the pain to end to feel better. And indeed you just get plain feel sick of it. Sick of being in the condition you are in. I have had a painful mouth and gums for over a month now. And I am so so very sick of it. Even to the point of wanting to punch out. Hit a punching bag or something.

Now you have been going through your own painful time for perhaps years and years. Me only 1 month or so. You must have grown in patience and endurance. I really take my hat of to you enduring all this for so very long.

The reason I was talking about the cherry blossoms (which you are indeed right, it's a very beautiful tree) is because it's good to try and focus on things that are lovely and beautiful. Focus on anything that helps you smile.

Did you say you sang or like music? Personally I will listen to music and sing, only to good songs though, not ones that stir up sad or bad emotions though. It's just not worth it. Even with my mouth hurting as it is I have been singing this particular encouraging song. Often with tears.

I really desire to help you somehow. Feeling pain sometimes just speaks so loud and yeah it is challenging to focus on other things.

Maybe just step by step, itty bitty ones you could just notice things around you that brings some kind of happy emotions. Even a picture of a cherry blossom tree. You like those. Can you plant one at your place. I know you said they grow in Tasmania. Or maybe they cost to much.

And do you have happy memories from childhood at all? Any with your mum. Sometimes I will try and focus on those in my life. Maybe it will help you as well.

Shelll, I just listen to the music. Pretty sure my neighbours would complain if I sang as I'm in an apartment. As for cherry blossoms , I checked online but am sure that the weather is too warm where I live unfortunately. Childhood was ok. I still got sick quite a bit. But my teens I got worse and struggled with everything from then on.. including have a father almost going into jail because of abuse. Mum wasn't much better then either. Mum liked us better as kids because she'd play boardgames. But now she doesn't even want to leave her room. I'm seeing her in a few hours. But I'm exhausted. I haven't slept as I put in an order online and forgot I'm going out later in the week. I'm so pathetic.

Sophie - that link doesn't work on my phone. It's probably because it's a very old model. But I was being honest death is real the end to the struggles.. I'm not dealing with pain then or any other torments. Sleeping is the other thing. But I either oversleep and physically can't get up. Or toss and turn all night. Either way. I'm always running on empty. Even if I'm not anemic!!!!!

I don't feel proud. I don't feel like I've achieved anything and at this stage I'm probably not likely to either. Every year I try and achieve something. I set out and fail and repeat. Even without covid and the limitations it's putting on people.

It makes no difference. I spoke to someone I see at the shops regularly. We chat about various things. I told her that I needed to change things for the better. And she started saying that it's all in the mind etc.. not so much as positive thinking but shifting your thinking and I wish it was that simple. But it's not... not when you ache constantly. And are so tired that your body makes mistakes and you can't think of what it is you want to say.. she just doesn't understand this. I come across as relatively normal because I have learnt to put up a mask.. but if I'm in extra pain then it's written all over my face.