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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Suicidal constantly

Topic: Suicidal constantly

  1. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    143 posts
    25 November 2021 in reply to Sophie_M

    Thank you again TheRising as i think you know me better than i do myself.

    That is scary and comforting.....

    So yeah I almost self-harmed last night again but I didn't WANT to do it.

    I felt I NEEDED to do it but luckily my mum was fantastic and calmed me down to think differently.

    My Dad came home drunk last night and abused mum so I stepped in and it led to an altercation.

    I despise abuse but I won't have my mum aggressively in my presence whether it's Dad's home or not.

    It's not happening. I have no regrets sticking up for my mum even if it took physical needs to maintain safety.

    Again, sorry to those I haven't replied to in depth yet but I feel good today.

    I have taken in every word I assure you.

    Tomorrow could be different.

    Chris

  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6157 posts
    25 November 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas
    Hey Chris,

    It's great to hear from you again,

    We're sorry to hear last night was so intense, how are feeling at the moment? Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you.

    We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

    Please check-in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.
     
  3. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    143 posts
    25 November 2021 in reply to Sophie_M

    Thank you Sophie and mod team.

    I know I am a complete * up in life now I've lost my daughter and job but I know people like me.

    I've put on lots of weight due to depression and I accept that's my fault.

    But I didn't ask for my daughter stolen off me and I still can't cope with it.

  4. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    143 posts
    25 November 2021 in reply to Sophie_M

    Yes all settled.

    Parents asleep so I can relax

  5. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    143 posts
    26 November 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi all.

    Just letting you know I am safe (maybe noone cares) as beyondblue helped me.

    Please if ever in my position call as they will help you.

    Chris

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Petal22
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Petal22 avatar
    1550 posts
    28 November 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris,

    Thanks for checking in with us.

    How are you feeling today?

    1 person found this helpful
  7. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2325 posts
    1 December 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris

    To be upstanding in defense of your mum is courageous. To imagine my own child, my son, doing this for me invokes great emotion in me, in relation to love and the connection we share. Sometimes it's so hard to be upstanding, especially when we have much to lose. With your dad, perhaps there's nothing to lose while being courageous. While highly confrontational, this situation revealed to you a part of your self you may have forgotten about: You are upstanding and outstanding in the face of great challenge.

    In mentioning how you've put on weight, it can pay to gain a different interpretation of the circumstances. You could say it wasn't a fault in you that led you to put the weight on, it could have instead involved a lack of energy (to maintain exercise), medication (chemical reasons), a lack of inspiration/motivation from the people around you in a time of need, emotional eating, the effects of depression and so on. So, it goes from fault to reason. To look to reason or look for reasons is what makes us reasonable (able to reason). Easier said than done at times but to focus on becoming more reasonable leads us to answers. On the other hand, to focus on finding faults in our self can lead us to believe, overall, 'I am faulty/broken'. There is a reason behind everything we do or experience, therefor it pays to become more reason-able. You become a detective in a way, always searching for clues.

    Being reason-able you could go from saying 'What's wrong with me? Why does my dad not love me? Why do I feel so disconnected from him? How is this my fault?' to being reasonable, finding the reason for feeling the disconnection. The truth could reveal itself as 'My father created the disconnection through his lack of interest in me because it didn't serve him to be interested'. All of a sudden, the reason is revealed as 'My father is self serving and this is not my fault'.

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    143 posts
    1 December 2021 in reply to therising

    Hi all.

    Yes I had another attempt and this time even Drs don't know how.

    My Dad laughed when I had the knife.

    Rang BeyondBlue and hospital etc.....

    I'm very thankful and I've read all posts so please understand if I haven't returned (especially therising....I'm sorry)

  9. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    143 posts
    1 December 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Mum and Dad know I'm suicidal.

    I've been upfront and said so.

    Both laughed at me and said I'm a disgrace.

    I encourage others to do so as you might get better support.

  10. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    143 posts
    2 December 2021 in reply to therising

    I'm so sorry I can't articulate a msg to you.

    Lots of tears (can barely type) but I have read your msgs to me

  11. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    143 posts
    2 December 2021 in reply to therising

    The nurse i must be a Cat. (the other one other nice)

    I'm running out of chances.

  12. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    143 posts
    2 December 2021 in reply to therising

    Just FYI

    I was told just a drunk so didn't deserve to be in hospital.

    The head Psychiatrist said exactly the opposite. (he was annoyed the nurse said that to me....I copped it but it hurt)

  13. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2325 posts
    2 December 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris

    Wish I was there beside you, I really do. If someone said to me 'If you could wish for anything today, what would it be?', this would be my wish, to be sitting beside you.

    I would spend part of the day reassuring you there is nothing wrong when it comes to feeling incredible sorrow for yourself (aka feeling sorry for yourself). I can't stand hearing people say to another 'Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop overthinking everything and just get on with life'. In my mind, they may as well be saying 'Suppress your sadness/your grief and move ahead without a plan'. It's kind of insane really. There's always a reason for our sorrow, why we're feeling so deeply and there's always a need for a plan when moving through our grief.

    Chris, I hope you realise how seriously depressing your parents are. It really is serious. I think it's so important to realise who in our life is most depressing or even slightly depressing on occasion. Even the slightly depressing people can pick away at our soul, sometimes without us even realising. Such people can leave you thinking 'What's wrong with me?'. At 51, it has only been in the last few years where I've come to realise my challenge is not to 'toughen up', it's to become more sensitive. Having worked hard on becoming more sensitive, I can more easily sense who's depressing, can sense who's an a-hole (spouting out nothing put poop), can sense who's inspiring, who's questionable, who's slightly insane, who's closed minded, who's open minded, who's a natural, who's also sensitive (a feeler) and so much more. Chris, do you think sane people would laugh at a person who's facing one of the darkest moments of their life? Do you think a sane person, under the circumstances, would say you don't deserve to be in hospital?

    Chris, looking back at my years in depression which are behind me, I can easily see the insanity that played out on so many levels and at times I can't help but question it. For example, I remember my darkest day, which landed me in hospital talking to a psych. There I was in emergency, in a room full of others, with some dude quizzing me about what led me there and what the plan ahead was. In my most personal moment ever, in my darkest time, I was questioned publicly. How insane is that? When perspective flips, you come to realise just how sane you are.

    No need to feel pressured to respond Chris. There's no pressure at all, whatsoever. Give yourself the freedom to respond only when you feel the need :)

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    143 posts
    2 December 2021 in reply to therising

    Thank you sincerely therising.

    I'm struggling but I know hospital isn't the answer for me right now.

    However I encourage all that are suicidal (like me) to reach out for help.

    Thank you again therising, I also wish you were next to me

  15. Centaured
    Centaured avatar
    266 posts
    4 December 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Just checking in to see how the rest of your week has been Chris. Keep reaching out, here, in person, on the phones, whatever it takes.

    Your life matters, and you are important.

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    143 posts
    6 December 2021 in reply to Centaured

    GDay mate.

    Did another attempt but I'm ok. Sort of bed ridden but thank you mate.

    You all ok?

  17. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    143 posts
    6 December 2021 in reply to Centaured

    Dad wants to divorce mum (my mum and I are close)

    Dad says my fault ruined their marriage.

    Been married near 50 years now its my fault

  18. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    143 posts
    6 December 2021 in reply to Centaured

    I'll be ok.

    You ok mate?

    Thank you for reaching out

  19. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    143 posts
    6 December 2021 in reply to therising

    My parents went for lunch and "drinks" and now my Mum (who I love) is ill and Dad blaming me for her life.

    No way.

    I'm standing by my my mum

  20. Centaured
    Centaured avatar
    266 posts
    6 December 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hey Chris

    I'm sorry you made another attempt. Have you had/do you need medical attention?

    You father sounds like he's trying to victimise you and blame you or anyone else for that matter. It's his problem and has nothing to do with you. I'm sorry this is happening.

    I wish I could help out mate. I'm coming to Hobart, if there wasn't anonymity I would take you out for coffee and be your mate and let you know you aren't alone.

    I'm ok I guess, don't worry bout me. Im/us are fine.

    1 person found this helpful
  21. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2325 posts
    6 December 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris

    How's your mum, given you dad's announcement of wanting to divorce? Is she kind of relieved or highly stressed or perhaps a bit of both?

    Can remember going to marriage counseling some years ago. One of the most impacting pieces of advice the counselor gave me is - Marriage is made up of 3 tiers. The bottom tier, the foundation, is you and your partner, the tier that came first. The middle involves your kids. The top is the overall family unit, a combination of the 2. The most significant one is the foundation one. Without a strong partnership established through a genuine sense of love (which withstands anything) and solid honest open communication which facilitates the evolution of the partnership, all 3 tiers are impacted. All 3 hold the potential to crumble. So, it doesn't necessarily matter what our kids do, what their challenges are (that test us as parents), if the foundation is solid, the marriage stays strong. Your dad can blame you for the divorce all he wants but this doesn't change the fact their marriage is not strong enough to withstand the challenges they face. While the challenges you give to your parents may be great, the question remains whether your dad is flexible in the way he evolves through them with your mum.

    I swear, I married someone so similar to my father. Both my father and my husband are rather inflexible people to various degrees. My father more so. How my mum tolerated being the only flexible parent, through her kids' significantly life changing challenges, while my father's mantra was largely 'Turn away from all stress', I do not know. She's rather amazing. By the way, they've been separated for just over 20 years. It tests a marriage when one partner tries to constantly re-adapt to life through various challenges and the other prefers things stay the same on their terms. It can actually be quite depressing at times. I say this from experience.

    As a mum, it's also my experience that your kids condition you into becoming flexible and open minded. From adapting to sleepless nights when they're infants, through to the administrative tasks associated with them going to school, through to the real life changing moments, both mum and child stay close and they bend and flex together through life's challenges and changes. The parent who remains on the sidelines, rigid in their own beliefs, will experience a sense of separateness and resentment. Of course, this is not the fault of the child.

    :)

    1 person found this helpful
  22. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    143 posts
    6 December 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    I just want to be safe.

    My parents house is amazing but I cope much better with people and support.

    I have no money issues which makes me more upset

  23. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    143 posts
    6 December 2021 in reply to Sophie_M
    CHVCHES - Miracle
  24. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    143 posts
    6 December 2021 in reply to therising
    Highly stressed TheRising as mum is a beautiful person
  25. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    143 posts
    6 December 2021 in reply to therising

    I'm so so the rising. (and Centaraund)

    I can't respond just yet ok.

  26. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    143 posts
    6 December 2021 in reply to therising

    Just to let you know TheRising dad was aggressive tonight to mum so yeah I stepped in.

    So yes I need to read your words many times but noone hurts my mum

  27. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    143 posts
    6 December 2021 in reply to therising
    Thank you The Rising.
  28. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2325 posts
    6 December 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas
    You're beautiful Chris. You're mum's lucky to have you :)
    1 person found this helpful
  29. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    143 posts
    6 December 2021 in reply to therising

    Thank you to all.

    Was a difficult night but I'm fighting on

  30. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    143 posts
    11 December 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    No need for anyone to respond.

    Unfortunately I spiralled (again) but this one was close. (too close)

    So been in hospital but out now.

    Only to find out my parents have decided to leave for Christmas to see others as "I've wasted enough of their time".

    So another Christmas by myself which led to my fist suicidal attempt and.........they do exactly the same.

    Seriously i rang my Psych from hospital and she was in sheer disbelief the complete and utter stupidity/lack of care.

    Bit again, no pressure for anyone to respond and I wish everyone the best.

    Chris

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