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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Tell us your thoughts - What's kept or keeping you here?

Topic: Tell us your thoughts - What's kept or keeping you here?

  1. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    6176 posts
    1 June 2019 in reply to Saree_p

    Hi Saree,

    Being honest and vulnerable in this space is the one thing you are allowed to do or be here. You don't have to apologise.

    What keeps you here?

    Perhaps connections? Someone who you feel that you can share those deepest and darkest secrets with so that bit by bit they don't grab hold of you as much as the previous time, or last day, month, or year? In my very first session with my psychologist she pinned me as suicidal. She suggested I install an app called 'virtual hope box' onto my phone. It has been a big help for me. In some of my worst moments the tools on that app helped me. Of course there is also a safety plan, and numbers if that app does not help.

    So here is a small thought or challenge for why you/I am here... to come out the other side, and be able to recognise the beauty in a flower, and/or see my daughter get married. Things that are on a list of reasons to live.

    Tim

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    670 posts
    1 June 2019 in reply to smallwolf
    Thanks Tim,

    I will try it.

    Unfortunately I don't have anyone I can let in. The battle has been probably 12 years, this last year I have sunk very low - mostly exhaustion n PTSD driven, but yeah. I did get admitted to hospital after a severe PTSD episode (apparently) but I could not cope, let alone talk. I got out as quick as possible, but part of that processes was everyone finding out I was not coping. However, one short week later it's all forgotten, and back to me helping everyone else.

    Family only ever want from me, they are not who I can turn to. And with leaving a DV long term relationship, the world is quite lonely.

    I have tried seeing a psychologist, unfortunately for me I am the worst patient. I've a degree in psychology, so know the techniques etc and have generally exhausted all options. I have been trying to line up trauma counselling, but I live in a fairly remote place which lacks trained health practitioners.

    Part of the issue is I can't see the point to getting counselling anymore, and the act of being vulnerable is terrifying. Sorry.

    What had kept me here:

    - the fight, the desire to prove people wrong, the desire to help others

    - my education

    - hope if I could find a way out for me I could help others

    - I guess that things happened for a purpose.

    - the pursuit of knowledge

    I just am not sure anymore. All this has gone.

    Sorry, I hope some of that made sense, brain not thinking very well
    2 people found this helpful
  3. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    6176 posts
    1 June 2019 in reply to Saree_p

    Hi Saree,

    Something you said reminded me (smiled) of Brene Brown (BB), who commented about seeing a therapist. You said...

    I have tried seeing a psychologist, unfortunately for me I am the worst patient.

    BB has a PhD is social work, and she said something similar after a spiritual awakening (breakdown). And some of the that you said relating to what keeps you here are similar to mine. I hope you hang around, because I would like to chat with you more about these thing and more, as you sound like a fascinating and interesting person. I will need to find your story elsewhere on the forum unless you wanted to continue here.

    Tim

    2 people found this helpful
  4. Guest_8790
    Guest_8790 avatar
    141 posts
    1 June 2019 in reply to Doolhof
    no I did not stay on hospital. as soon as police took handcuffs and restraints from.my body I wiggled out of bed got meds and took off. I ha e got centrelink medical certificate giving me three months off looking for a job and from.stupid job provider. I will do volunteer work I hope till I have to do job search again. I don't want to be a burden on society . I have some pride left.

    trust has gone.but who cares anymore

    rusty
  5. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    670 posts
    1 June 2019 in reply to smallwolf

    Hi Tim,

    I started a thread a few days ago - that's probably easiest as it diverts from the topic on this one.

    think I called it really struggling - creative I know.

  6. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    1 June 2019 in reply to Guest_8790

    Hi Rusty,

    Hopefully you can find some worthwhile volunteer work to do. There are so many options.

    I've recently started volunteering in a home for the elderly and enjoy trying to make a difference in some people's lives.

    One guy walks around a lot inside the home. I invited him to sit and join me and the other volunteers while we had our lunch. I asked him questions and he answered them. The others said they had never known him to sit and talk before. I wonder if anyone had invited him to join them before?

    My point is, volunteering can offer a person so much plus sometimes we just have to wait for the right person to come along who is willing to give us some time and understanding.

    Wishing you well rusty!

    Cheers from Dools

    1 person found this helpful
  7. MsPurple
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    1 June 2019 in reply to Doolhof

    Hi everyone

    Rusty: I do understand your loss of trust. I had a psychiatrist when I was 12ish. I told him something. He told my then step mum, dad and mum what I had said. It was obvious it was about my step mum, she knew it and so did everyone there. After that all trust was lost with him and the system. I know it wasn't breaking confidentiality because I was underage and it is different then, and he didn't understand what he had done. My step mum continued to tread me worse emotionally. I am glad dad divorced her, but I do feel guilty because my half sister also grew up in a broken home. Anyways I get part of the lack of trust. I have really well established boundaries with my current psychologist. She knows why I lost trust with mental health confidentiality. She knows why she can't break it. I guess you need to try find someone that understands that boundary. Maybe see if you can get a referral to someone knew, someone you can trust. It can take time to build it (usually takes me 3-4 sessions, even know I still struggle with aspects of shame).

    I know I am here because I never want my family to think, 'what could I have done to prevent this'. I never want them to think that. plus I always wonder what I could achieve if continue life. I do have goals I want to achieve. That hope keeps me here.

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Guest_8790
    Guest_8790 avatar
    141 posts
    2 June 2019 in reply to MsPurple
    in reply to me purple

    I am lucky that my psych who I only have two more sessions with has been good. I guess I was disappointed hospital advised my gp about being sent there against my will plus humiliated at police handcuffing me and being physically restrained. I am never going to let anyone know what I did or do again. hence will keep silent.

    such is life.

    I will move on and forget.

    rusty
  9. Guest_8790
    Guest_8790 avatar
    141 posts
    3 June 2019 in reply to MsPurple
    I don't have any goals in life. family dead except brother who we don't have any communication his wife sees to that. brother is spineless or just doesn't care unless money is concerned so to me all family dead. I have just stopped talking to ex husband so on my own so ready to leave this world. never going to get help again when I feel time is right I will go quietly without anyone knowing. am ok at moment as have pets to care for as they are better than people......

    rusty
  10. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    4 June 2019 in reply to Guest_8790

    Hi Rusty,

    Can you find a way to break out of your deep depression or to accept it and find a way to move on, one step at a time.

    I know it is hard, I am doing battle with myself all the time at present.

    Each day I try to think of things I can do to help me through each hour. If something doesn't work I try something else.

    I understand you are really struggling right now, it does help if you can do just one thig. Go for a walk. Draw a picture. Write a poem. Listen to some music. Go to the shops even if you don't buy anything.

    Many people with families are not happy. Sometimes we need to find that inner peace and contentment...says me who searches for it daily lately it seems!

    Rusty, I hope you can find a way to move on.

    Cheers from Dools

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Guest_8790
    Guest_8790 avatar
    141 posts
    4 June 2019 in reply to Doolhof
    I have decided to forget whats happened and start fresh. blocking it out with other mindless tasks will.help. I don't need help any more so will go and find something useful to do.

    rusty and over
  12. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    5 June 2019 in reply to Guest_8790

    Hi Rusty,

    Wishing you well. The forum is always here if you want to connect.

    Regards from Dools

  13. Michael T
    Michael T avatar
    18 posts
    6 June 2019

    Hi All

    the only thing that keeps me here is my children.

    Im suffering serious health issues mentally and physically. I've attempted self harm and have been hospitalised. It was on purpose but looked like an accident. I look back and think I wish I hadn't done it but my other side wished I had gone through with it.

    I have held secrets within my life which have been very dark I live a life of a lie and this gets me so depressed. I didn't want to be this way but was born with these thoughts. I've lived an unhappy life for most of it. The only reason I'm still here is for my children. As I'm a divorced father I try my best to be a good father.

    Not sure what I've done in life to feel this way but I'm not dealing with this life at all. This system and society is always against me and nothing in my life goes positive. I'm sorry to sound like a bore and selfish but just expressing the way I feel.

    2 people found this helpful
  14. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3233 posts
    8 June 2019 in reply to Michael T
    Geoffs home improvement thread , now l need a smiley face to stick there.
    1 person found this helpful
  15. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3233 posts
    8 June 2019 in reply to Michael T

    Hi Michael. Your not sounding like a bore either mate , even the divorce and trying to be a dad now is a huge huge thing l still work like hell at and worry for , even after 6 years.

    And l'm sorry if things seem against you God knows l know that struggle too.

    l hope your getting through . All the best , rx

    2 people found this helpful
  16. Davinci
    Davinci  avatar
    2 posts
    8 June 2019 in reply to Michael T

    Hi Michael T 😊

    First, this is a place of openness and understanding. No matter how dark a thought or the secrets you possess, with in this page is the chance to be completely honest without judgement or bias. Mate, your not a bore your just perceiving that you are. See, perception can be very positive or completely negative for your health. For example, Depression isn't some evil that needs to be expelled from the mind or some disease that needs to be palliated by drugs; it might be an embodiment or philosophical pessimism, a natural reaction to one's social surroundings and current situation. Imagine if the term were defined non-judgemental , even positively:"Depression, in most of its manifestations, is the healthy suspicion that 1) there may not be an aim or point to existence, and/or 2) that the life people have actually created for themselves in the 'structure of society,' is not one worth participating in anymore. The objective should not be to kill this suspicion, but to tame it and work with it."Such a definition would naturally be shunned by professionals and experts everywhere, declared at once to be irresponsible and inaccurate. The statement above, however, humanizes the depressed state and rightly sees the question about life's meaning as possibly the most important a person can ask, and a negative answer is as plausible as any naively affirmative one. "In most of its manifestations" allows for the fact that some depressions may necessitate immediate pharmaceutical intervention; high risk of suicide may be the one case in which an intervention is justified, overriding the putative autonomy of the support of the patient but only to cease all other treatment due to the nature of the current situation. See I’m a bore too:) Michael your a fellow Australian so please understand your perception of yourself is one that many share. Political personalities are full of dark secrets and bad decisions that affect millions. Yours will only affect those around you. So Confront your secrets, share your thoughts and try your hardest to accept the pain; it is only then you open the gate to heal. Don’t be ashamed to be hurt or vulnerable. You are human!. Learn from this experience your currently having. fight and disarm it, prevent it from harming your kids mentally and emotionally in the future. Yes the system is flawed, but if you can see that, share how its flawed, tell a friend your thoughts and secrets or a pet. Stop hiding and start fighting!

    1 person found this helpful
  17. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    8 June 2019 in reply to randomx

    Hi Everyone,

    I'd like to just try to encourage everyone who is having a rough time of life.

    The roller coaster ride is not always pleasant and the plummeting bits can feel horrendous.

    Some where, some how, some time I hope you all find some pleasure in life, some purpose, some meaning, some hope.

    The journey can be horrid. Have a look around you and see what is nice, even if it is watching the clouds, a butterfly, listening to a bird. They are all precious moments of something good in life.

    Acknowledging everyone's battles!

    Cheers from Dools

    5 people found this helpful
  18. Ggrand
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    Ggrand avatar
    9817 posts
    8 June 2019 in reply to Doolhof

    Dearest Mrs Dools...

    Thank you for your encouraging post..Your words have helped me to see that everything the clouds, wind, all are constantly moving changing shape, from dark gloomy clouds to beautiful white puffy bright clouds...Like the clouds we are also moving from darkness to light...Yes things change for us every second of the day...Depression, unhealthy thoughts do and will eventually change to light bright happy thoughts....

    You are a huge inspiration to me and so many more people here..💜.l

    Love and Big hugs Mrs Dools and everyone who needs them...

    Grandy....

    2 people found this helpful
  19. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    8 June 2019 in reply to Ggrand

    Dear Grandy,

    You are most welcome, I'm pleased my words have resonated with you and may help to make a difference in your life, even if it is in a small way.

    Recently a friend shared some words with me and they really helped me through a rough patch.

    Today we celebrated the 21st birthday of my husband's nephew, a couple of days after our last baby died 21 years ago. I decided not to share that with anyone today so we could all celebrate the nephew.

    Part of me wanted to run away, part of me told me that was just silly. So I stayed and made the most of the time we had together.

    Sometimes I need to count my blessings, see what I do have and be thankful that I am still here!

    Cheers to you from Mrs. Dools

    2 people found this helpful
  20. Bel27
    Bel27 avatar
    1 posts
    9 June 2019
    I am in a place where I do not want to live any more. My children and my mum are the only things keeping me here. No one knows the depth of my pain because I'm afraid they will freak out. I imagine my pain ending but just beginning for my children and I can't do it. I don't know how to keep going. I don't know what to do.
    2 people found this helpful
  21. Ggrand
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    9 June 2019 in reply to Bel27

    Hello Bel27..

    Welcome to the forums..

    Im really sorry your struggling so hard with your mh...I am so pleased that you have a loving mum and beautiful children to keep you here and you do not want to cause them the devastating hurt and pain of you not being here...

    Bel, It is so very hard for us to confide in our loved ones..I’m wondering if you have spoken to your go about your feelings and what your going through, s/he should be able to help you..it’s just so hard to do it ourselves please hun..can you consider reaching out to your gp...it’s so important that you try as hard as you can to do that for yourself and your family...

    Bel..Youve landed in a thread that although is very helpful to so many....it’s much better to start your own thread so you can get a lot of much deserved support for yourself...

    I’m wondering I’d you feel able to start your own thread so many people can talk to you and support you as much as they can...me as well...if you go back to home page..then join discussion..you’ll see “All threads”..if you press onto that then press Welcome and orientation..you’ll see the words “new threads”..if you press on that..give your new thread a title then..then you can talk as much or little as you feel to..then others will pop in to help support you....

    I hope I haven’t made it too hard for you to start your own thread...

    I’ll keep an eye out for your new thread and come in to support you..or if you like you can pop back in here and let us know what you named your thread...

    Kind thoughts and some caring 🤗...(if you like hugs)..

    Grandy..

    2 people found this helpful
  22. Azzdog
    Azzdog avatar
    433 posts
    19 June 2019

    Hi everyone,

    I saw this thread the other day and I thought I would contribute as to what is keeping me here today.

    I heard this quote a few years ago and, even though it is short and simple, it has stuck with me ever since.

    "The future is unwritten".

    I don't know what the future holds for me. I currently trying to influence it today by working hard to get my masters done and to build a social life. So there are times where it looks like there is hope for me in the future.

    However, I do have my moments where I get very downhearted. Being almost 25 and having never been in a relationship in a relationship crazed world makes me feel incredibly depressed and pessimistic about the future. Also my self loathing and inability to feel properly secure in the friendships I have makes it seem like those friendships might fall apart at any time or day. It can be really hard to enjoy life at times.

    But how do I know that everything will fall apart in the future? I am no fortune teller and the skills I have learnt over the past few years have helped me understand my thought patterns and how to manage it better. There is no reason why things could potentially get better as long as I keep building myself up and focus on today.

    "The future is unwritten".

    1 person found this helpful
  23. blondguy
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    blondguy avatar
    11362 posts
    19 June 2019 in reply to Azzdog

    Hey everyone and Romantic

    Hi Azzdog...

    You mentioned "There is no reason why things could potentially get better as long as I keep building myself up and focus on today"

    This is brilliant and thankyou Azz :-)

    you rock Azz....

    my kind thoughts always

    Paul

    1 person found this helpful
  24. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    670 posts
    24 June 2019

    Thank you to everyone,

    When the dark place is overwhelming, the thing that keeps me here of late has been reading through everyone else's posts. There is solace in the fact we are never truly alone, no matter how alone we feel.

    Thank you all, you are all an inspiration.

    Biggest Hugs,

    Saree

    2 people found this helpful
  25. blondguy
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    11362 posts
    25 June 2019 in reply to Saree_p

    Hi Saree

    What a heartfelt and kind post.....

    If I may say that people like you keep the forums alive...You are a gentle soul and thankyou so much for being a part of the Beyond Blue forum family

    Bear Hugs

    my kindest always

    Paul

    1 person found this helpful
  26. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
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    Sophie_M avatar
    6606 posts
    11 July 2019 in reply to Pineapple99
    Hi Pineapple99, it's good to see you back again reaching out for some support when you need it.  It can be tough when someone or something that has been a big part of our lives for so long is no longer there.  It can be hard to find meaning again.  What other things can you think of that are keeping you here?  It can even be something small, like your desire to reach out and be heard on the forums and in this thread.  We're here to sit with you until the pain eases a little.

    If you'd prefer to talk more about the situation with your ex-partner, you're welcome to update the community on what's happening in your support thread here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/suicidal-thoughts-and-self-harm/remember-to-choose-a-clear-title#qsv9OnHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

    We would also urge you to get in touch with the Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 on to talk with a professional counsellor there about a safety plan.  We're also sending you a private email.
    1 person found this helpful
  27. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    12 July 2019 in reply to Azathoth

    Hi Azathoth,

    I can feel your extreme emotional pain in the few words you have written. I have been in that place and know how horrid it is and how difficult it is to feel like there are any solutions or help available.

    Please use the phone support services of Beyond Blue, Life Line and the Suicide Call Back service. I have used all 3 in the same day when I have felt so desperately mentally unwell.

    People do care Azathoth. You don't need to go through what you are suffering alone.

    Is there one thing in life that you can do to help you feel a little better?

    Thinking of you and so hoping you reach out here or on the support lines for help.

    Kindest regards and concern from Dools

    1 person found this helpful
  28. Billyc
    Billyc  avatar
    220 posts
    12 July 2019 in reply to Saree_p

    Hi Saree

    you remind me Of a mantra I go by

    ”you are not alone, everyone is feeling alone with you”.

    very best

    2 people found this helpful
  29. Busymum
    Busymum avatar
    36 posts
    12 July 2019

    My children...…

    I often describe my depression as wanting to watch everyone else's life but not participate and be invisible so people just leave me alone.

    My children keep me here. I want to see them happy and grown up.

    1 person found this helpful
  30. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    13 July 2019 in reply to Doolhof

    Hi Everyone,

    I was told recently that if there is even one small reason for still being here, then keep that one idea in your mind and try to help it grow and expand to other things.

    To all of you who are struggling right now to work out your purpose and meaning in life, I want to offer you acknowledgement of the struggle you feel.

    Our minds can run with the negative. We need to find ways to stop that chatter and change it, slowly, ever so slowly some days so it becomes bearable, then agreeable to consider life is worth it.

    Cheers from Dools

    3 people found this helpful

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