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Topic: Time to go

  1. Rod32
    Rod32 avatar
    18 posts
    11 November 2021
    I've read a lot of the posts, now I know I'm a pathetic looser. Loneliness after wife left, all friends were joint and now I have no contact from them. I have a 20yo son who is my world, my daughter 18 loves me however she is very much like her mother. Lost my two children from my previous marriage, son murdered 2016 and daughter died 2013 wife left 2019. I have tried to cope for my children's sake but now they are older an in relationship I'm not really needed now.  Rambling a bit now sorry, really had mostly a good life but the hurt and pain to much now, hard type through tears.
  2. Sophie_M
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    6133 posts
    11 November 2021 in reply to Rod32
    Hey Rod,

    We are so glad that you've reached out tonight. It sounds like you have been through so much stress in your life and we can see why you would be experiencing so much pain and grief. Please know that there a good times ahead and from your post it sounds like your children love you and would really want you to stay. We've sent you a private message to check in with you and would really appreciate it if you could get back to us there. 
     
    We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

    Please remember that if at any point you become an immediate danger to yourself, this is an emergency and you should contact 000 (triple zero).
  3. missep123
    Community Champion
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    873 posts
    11 November 2021 in reply to Rod32

    Rod32,

    I hear your pain, please know that it sounds like you are an amazing and caring parent. It sounds like you have so much pain on your shoulders. I wish I knew exactly what to say but I really wanted to post and show support, please know that you are not alone and please reach out here and if you are comfortable to call the counsellors that Sophie has mentioned above.

    We are here for you please feel free to continue reaching out and please call 000 (triple zero) if you become an immediate danger to yourself

    we care about you

  4. Yorke/Yorke
    blueVoices member
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    Yorke/Yorke avatar
    27 posts
    11 November 2021 in reply to Rod32

    I also do not have the answers, but wanted to show some support. You sound like you've faced some immense challenging over the last 10 years with your wife and children. You've also shown such care hanging in there for your children and their wellbeing.

    It sounds like you care deeply about your son which is reciprocated, which is a special connection to have. I'm sure your son wants to see you continue on to share experiences together.

    We care and are here to listen

  5. Mishmo
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    50 posts
    11 November 2021 in reply to Rod32

    Oh no, what posts made you feel that way? You are most definitely not that.

    My heart breaks for all the loss you have had to suffer through. I hear you have much love and care in you and you have tried to keep yourself together and strong for everyone else around you for so long? ..and now its all beginning to come to a head, all at once? That is never easy to deal with for anyone.

    Cry all you need, let it all out. Feel free to ramble away without judgement here.

    We are all suffering from something. We try our best to be supportive and great listeners. Well I most definitely do and try.

    Feel free to reach out anytime. My names Renee. Lovely to make your acquaintance Rod. Sending hugs and tissues.

    1 person found this helpful
  6. geoff
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    11 November 2021 in reply to Rod32

    Hello Rod, I am truly so sorry for all of this loss in your life, words are so difficult to convey but you certainly have all the support you need and understand that now your wife has left you, it would be difficult for your friends to know who they should converse with, because if a couple talks with your wife, you may feel as though they favour her, but not necessarily, it may just be because that situation suddenly eventuated, but I do understand how you are feeling.

    Once our children are in their own relationship or married we naturally believe that they will be able to cope with any problems themselves, however, as I've learnt, this isn't true, they still need their parent/s for advice and to help them out financially no matter how old they become.

    We want you to know that as what has been said, we are here for you to talk to us.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

  7. Rod32
    Rod32 avatar
    18 posts
    12 November 2021 in reply to Mishmo

    Thanks Renee your words help, you sound so compassionate and a beautiful person, wish I had met someone like you in my life.

     

  8. Rod32
    Rod32 avatar
    18 posts
    12 November 2021 in reply to geoff

    Thanks for trying to help, It's so hard not having a woman by my side, lost my wife,lover and what I thought was my best friend, just don't understand what I did wrong, I am older than my ex, I think she just found someone younger.

    I can't discuss this with my son for fear that it would alienate him from his mother, he resents her leaving now. I just can't hurt him, when I'm gone he will need his mum.

  9. Mishmo
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    12 November 2021 in reply to Rod32

    Well here I am... u have met me now. I am a real person by the way :) Pls dont give up just yet.

    How are you feeling today? Hows your emotional rollercoaster? I today am not the best, very low and internal emotions are frustrating me (maybe time to take a nap and hope they calm, yes i know they most likely wont, but i must stay hopeful)

    It is so hard to suffer these things we are suffering through... let alone trying to parent also. I only have one son, who is 12. Without him I think I would be exactly the same as you are feeling. I have never been married. Only been used by men and discarded for better. I know I have my issues mentally, but never good enough I guess. Its hard. My son is fatherless (also been discarded). So he only has me, so I have to try keep strong on my own.

    Even in a place like Melbourne, millions of people, i still feel alone.

  10. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6133 posts
    12 November 2021 in reply to Rod32
    Hi Rod32,

    Thank you for updating us here on your thread. We're sorry you're going through such a difficult time and not feeling like you have someone there to talk it over with.

    We're reaching out to you privately, but just so you know, our kind counsellors are here for you to talk to anytime if you'd like to give them a call on 1300 22 4636, or you can reach them via online chat, here.

    Thanks again for sharing here, it shows such bravery and can be the first step towards feeling better. 

    Kind regards,

    Sophie M
  11. Rod32
    Rod32 avatar
    18 posts
    12 November 2021 in reply to Mishmo
    I am with you, looking after your child alone would be so difficult without support, your child's father! I can't comprehend abandoning your own child. It helps talking to a woman who has been subjected to similar as me. Guess both genders can inflict pain, do you get the opportunity to get out and meet someone decent, open your heart and learn to trust, all men are not creeps.
  12. Mishmo
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    12 November 2021 in reply to Rod32

    Yeah its definitly not my loss without him in our lives. And I have tried many times to reach out but nothing. He knows, but wont accept it. When my son was about 10 I found out I was the "other woman" and his fiance/wife was posting the celebration of their 15 year anniversary. Which made me realise their relationship was obviously not over as he told me at the time. So anyways, my family have been there for me where possible. So I consider myself not completely alone. But it is hard, being both parental responsibilities at once.

    Nah I have given up looking or seeking anyone. If it comes it comes, otherwise I am use to doing it alone by now. I see others going through divorces and separations and kids in the middle etc, people not being faithful, marriage meaning little if anything really to most. Yeah I have become very closed off to it all really and very scared to ever love again in the fear of being hurt or left again (or pregnant and alone again). Ok sorry, now im rambling.

    Well I am a good listener of you feel like venting ... anytime :)

  13. missep123
    Community Champion
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    873 posts
    12 November 2021 in reply to Rod32

    Hi Rod32,

    I hope that you are feeling comforted reading everyone's posts, as you can see we truly care about you!

    How are you feeling today?

  14. Rod32
    Rod32 avatar
    18 posts
    13 November 2021 in reply to Mishmo

    I have also reached out,twice, one email and one text and stated she could return if she felt she had made a mistake with no questions asked but to no avail, completely ghosted and now I realise how pathetic I seemed, can't sleep or eat, dropped 12 kg, just can't get her out of my head with another man.

    I don't know if he's a decent person to her or that she is safe. Not having anyone talk to except anonymous people here. I know a lot of people here are definitely struggling more than me.

    My pain is very real to me, it's just getting worse every day now, really can't see the point in trying, I shouldn't have woken this morning, stuffed it up.

  15. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
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    6133 posts
    13 November 2021 in reply to Rod32
    Hi Rod32, 

    Aw, we can hear how much pain you're in right now, and how heartbroken you are feeling. It sounds like you have experienced a lot of loss. We are really sorry to hear this, but we are glad that you feel comfortable expressing your emotions on this forum. Hopefully, posting here brings you at least some comfort. 

    How long ago did your wife leave? It can take people quite some time to heal from heartbreak, so try to be kind and accepting of yourself throughout the process, as opposed to belittling yourself (e.g., calling yourself pathetic). I know this is easier said than done, but it might be worth giving it a try. 

    If you haven't already, we would encourage you to try to engage with a mental health professional as it sounds like you are dealing with some pretty heavy thoughts and feelings. You don't have to go through this alone, and many people find professional support helpful when they are feeling this way. 

    Please do not hesitate to contact out support service. Our counsellors are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport They can talk through these feelings with you and offer support, advice and referrals. 

    If things become too distressing and overwhelming for you, and if your thoughts of suicide increase, please remember that there are always crisis support services available such as at Lifeline (13 11 14), Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), or emergency services (000 – Triple zero) if you find yourself to be in immediate danger.

    Feel free to continue to post here as you see fit. We are around to listen and offer support. 
  16. Mishmo
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    13 November 2021 in reply to Rod32

    Oh my heart breaks for you. Loss is never easy at the best of times. And please dont minimise your pain in thinking other have it worse. Because pain is relevant to the person. Pain is pain for all who experience it.

    What you have done in msging her is not at all pathetic. It is who you are and how you feel in the moment. Never pathetic. What tou have done is poured your heart out and thats a great quality to have. Sadly many take advantage of such qualities. But again, u are NOT pathetic.

    Yes I too have those days like, Doh, why did I wake up for?! ...and then promptly tell the world to shoosh and go back to sleep (when possible ofcourse).

    But the saying it will get worse before it gets better is very true to grief and loss. To be able to get a better handle on the emotions we must first experience them fully and learn how to better handle these emotions. So the next time we experience it (which we hope doesnt happen) its an easier and smoother journey back to happy/contentment.

    Yes its hard being mostly anonymous here for some and good for others. But have you tried reaching out to a local community support group? Like I have just done so myself to try help people more focused in my community, in turn to help me grow also (my psychologist recommended I give it a go) The one I have found is currently doing it through zoom. Where you can be as open or quiet as you wish. But be more face to face with people if that would help you more. This may be helpful?! A thought anyway.

    But if you can not cope today, take it easy, do something you would normally find enjoyable. Smile in a mirror at yourself, this helps our brain. Or cry and cry till you cant no more. Whatever helps you endure another day. You are doing amazing Rod.

    Here always... vent, cry, ramble away anytime!!

    Hugs and tissues, from me to you.

  17. Rod32
    Rod32 avatar
    18 posts
    13 November 2021 in reply to Mishmo

    Renee, I am grateful for your comments, in so much pain yourself and taking the time to help me.

    I seems the people here are the best human beings I have come across in,I don't know how long, it appears that trying to help others "ironic" that we are perhaps helping ourselves, I know while talking to you I seem to have a moment of clarity, it unfortunately doesn't last.

    Last night was so bad and I hoped not to wake again. No such luck,it's after midnight writing this to you and I feel a little bit more settled and I intend to see tomorrow at the moment. Please let me know how you are now,let it all out warts and all you may possibly find it cathartic. Renee you have my love and respect and I look forward to hearing from you again

    Cheers

    Rod

  18. geoff
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    13 November 2021 in reply to Rod32

    Hello Rod, this 'moment of clarity' tends to expand its time, because in her new relationship you don't know how they are fitting in together, and whether or not they are arguing about more problems that you and she didn't prove to be any problem.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

  19. Mishmo
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    13 November 2021 in reply to Rod32

    Morning Rod,

    Thats so good to hear, that moment of clarity is progress. Yes it may only be a moment in time, a smidge of your day, but its growth in the right direction. Once we have these moments of clarity, positive thoughts, we then slowly learn to look back on these moment in our lower moments to help pull us out of the darkness enough to fight yet, another day. (If that makes sense)

    Yes my psychologist knows how much helping others helps me, hence shes suggested I spend more of my time/days in helping others where I can. Finding those who do need me in their lives. Rather then focusing on those who do not need or want me. Is why I found a support group to try out and see how I go. Be my first ever tomorrow night, very anxious but I will tackle it head on nerves, nausea and all. It must be done lol. Yes over the years I have become a hard head in my mission to better health for myself. Learning to push through the negative thoughts and feelings and hopefully come out the other side better for it. Yes sometimes I do not succeed ("fail" as some call it) and end up feeling worse, but it helps me learn... to be stubborn enough to try again haha (or sometimes take some me time first, regroup before trying again) Because WE ARE WORTH IT. No matter what that inner depressive voice is telling us. Its such a negative nancy at times... party pooper.

    I have this negative perspective of always have to seeing where I was and where I could of been, or where I should be etc (with my life and emotions). So am learning to enjoy the rugged journey and finding my "new" perspective. One such thing I do try more often is stepping outside my box and looking in (seeing myself and my emotions as if I was helping someone else, cause I always treat others much nicer then I do myself) This is sometimes the only way I do see that being not ok, is ok and I am doing amazing. Focusing on those glimpses of times of clarity as we spoke of earlier.

    Ok I feel Im rambling, sorry. Hope it somewhat makes sense. I do tend to send myself down a never ending spiral of ... unknown and words and ... then be like, what was I talking about?! Hahaha. My brain tends to wonder off into lalaland at times. Maybe my way of being cathartic?! Who knows... Anywhoo...

    (oops ran out of characters... to the next post we go hehe)

    .....to be continued!

    1 person found this helpful
  20. Mishmo
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    13 November 2021 in reply to Rod32

    ....being continued (Please see previous post first)

    I am so glad you have had enough clarity in one day to help get you to this next day. Thats WINNING in my books for sure. We only need to take life a day at a time and sometimes, just hour by hour. I sometimes find myself doing mindless gaming, art, nature watching or tv watching to make them hours past faster. What do you tend to do to help the feelings past faster? Whats something in your life you really love doing? Something 'for you'! ...Oh or a coffee and child free time is so good. I was taught to try push myself to do things I would normally really enjoy, even if in the moment I am hating every second, to help retrain the depressive thoughts. Which some days is everything. But also remember, if today all you did was survive, thats amazing too.

    I hope you wake even a smidge better today, and if not, thats okay too... I am just glad you woke. Yes I care very much. If I can ask of one thing?... pretty please keep waking each day...

    Hugs and tissues, from Me to YOU

    1 person found this helpful
  21. Rod32
    Rod32 avatar
    18 posts
    14 November 2021 in reply to Mishmo

    Really shit day, wife told my son about new boyfriend. Daughter has been keeping info from me, she outright lied about knowing, this has hurt me so much.

    Just finished rewriting my will. I didn't think I could hurt more, tears,hands shaking, don't know why I'm even writing

  22. Sophie_M
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    6133 posts
    14 November 2021 in reply to Rod32
    Dear Rod32, 

    We are so sorry to hear about this. You sound incredibly devastated and hurt right now. 

    Please know that, if you'd like some professional support tonight, counsellors from our support service are available 24/7 by phone (1300 22 4636) and available 3pm-12am AEST by webchat on our website (www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport). You don't have to go through this alone, or without professional support. 
  23. Mishmo
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    14 November 2021 in reply to Rod32

    Oh Rod, wishing I could give you a real hug and comfort. It hurts me so much that you are hurting so much. I think you're writing cause you don't really want this pain and you care? I hope so.

    Please, Please, Please call 000 (triple zero) if you are feeling suicidal. It's one very irreversible split second choice. You deserve happy, not this heart breaking sadness. *BIG HUGS*

    Being lied to and mistreated is never unacceptable in my books. Maybe they weren't doing this on purpose? Maybe keeping it to themselves was their way of trying to protect you from more heartache? But not many things hurt more then our loved ones keeping stuff from us or lying to us. Im so so sorry Rod.

    You are an amazing person who has achieved so much, and suffered so much. I can completely relate... i feel my life has been much more downers then as many uppers... one heart break after another. Everyone always leaves me in the end. I guess I am too much for anyone. Anyways, I am now feeling so worried for you and so very upset I cant help or fix the situation.

    Just please call 000 (triple zero) if you start having those feelings.

    Now I need hugs and tissues :'(

    1 person found this helpful
  24. Chris 21
    Chris 21 avatar
    7 posts
    14 November 2021 in reply to Rod32
    Don’t give up Rod, I’m in same boat my wife left me after 27 years… now alone, no friends , no family stuck in mental health ward in hospital… like you I feel hopeless pain worse everyday …. I found this site and it’s warming to know there are others like us … online, but I’m real and will talk to you brother, I like you have no one so whine to each other, and your not worthless , your a decent guy remember that.
    1 person found this helpful
  25. Rod32
    Rod32 avatar
    18 posts
    14 November 2021 in reply to Sophie_M

    Hello Sophie, I'm torn between what I want to do and what I should do, I had to go for a drive tonight to clear my head, but I didn't realise how this would affect my son who is my world.

    He and his long-time girlfriend are incredible in their support, but seeing how this situation has affected him is very unfair, they are far too young to witness my grief.

    I just don't know what I'm supposed to do to alleviate his pain. Actually I do, but just can't seem to act as if I'm ok.

    I thought of going away but that would hurt him, every idea I have is just so stupid, it's like the rational part of my brain ceased functioning.

  26. Rod32
    Rod32 avatar
    18 posts
    14 November 2021 in reply to Chris 21

    You sound like me alright, don't know how you were admitted to hospital hopefully voluntarily. I just have no idea what to say, if I knew you I would visit and spend some time just chatting. Does the hospital have volunteers that you can talk to, if not we can chat while I'm here. I thought Nam gave me all the bad night sweats.

    I helped a few guys with ptsd some years ago, I do know and understand and although I managed to stay on top of things then can't seem to manage now.

    Hang in there.

  27. Guest_342
    Guest_342 avatar
    186 posts
    14 November 2021 in reply to Rod32

    Hello Rod,

    I'm feeling a bit down in the dumps this weekend/week. Mind you, it's nothing even close to what you have described as your current experience - and my heart goes out to you. But I do have ebbs and flows with my anxiety and negative thoughts. At the moment it's a little bit more of a rut than normal because I'm making a big life decision at the moment and it might be really successful or not happen for me at all. I also feel resentment for some loved ones in my life, which I want to post to this forum at some stage when my blood is at more of a simmer than a boil. I'm doing my best to just ride that wave and hoping it'll flatten out soon.

    One thing I wanted to ask you is whether you have sought advice from a compassionate GP with specialisation in mental health issues? The reason I ask is that, it seems you might need just that little bit of help to take the real sting out of what you're feeling, even if just initially to help guide you through to a mindset where you feel contentment in your life.
    WhenI was in a really dark place about 7 or 8 years ago, I looked for a GP that I could connect with on an ongoing basis with regards to my mental health struggles. The lady I see has now known me for that length of time and she is so compassionate. She has seen me at my very worst, in tears in her office unable to go to work. And, as is more often the case now (I visit her about twice a year now), she's seen me at my best talking about how I'm enjoying work and have moved to a new home. I feel so comfortable saying absolutely anything to her. Back then, try as I might, I couldn't work through my symptoms and my feelings unaided. They consumed my every day, my every minute. But now, even though I have my low points - like at the present moment - I feel I generally have the tools to work through it. I'll always be that way inclined but I feel it's manageable.

    Do you feel like you would be comfortable to talk to a doctor? In the meantime, I do hope you feel able to call 000 as Mishmo has suggested if you feel you are at a tipping point, or perhaps one of the services Sophie has referred to. Also, there is always someone on these forums interested in connecting.

    Warm hugs.

  28. Rod32
    Rod32 avatar
    18 posts
    15 November 2021 in reply to Guest_342

    The GPs are so busy and and don't understand,can't understand, when I returned from Nam I broke off and refused any help from vet affairs, never regretted that, what I did and saw in the name of our country, well I just never wanted to relive, I was strong then.

  29. Rod32
    Rod32 avatar
    18 posts
    15 November 2021 in reply to Chris 21

    Hi Chris, It was suggested that I try a dating site to find a companion to talk to as a distraction, I looked and they all seem like scams or hookup sites, I'm not looking for that so I gave it a miss, though I appreciated the suggestion. My son wants to take me out with his girlfriend but I won't interfere with his young life.

  30. Mishmo
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    15 November 2021 in reply to Rod32

    Hi Rod,

    How are you today? I am so glad you made it through the horrific pain of yet another day. How is your son? I am sure he would love taking his old man with him hehe... shows how proud and supportive of you he is. You never know just where that right person will come from.

    Am hoping I haven't said something wrong, if so, I am so sorry. Pls forgive me.

    But sending hugs from me to you. Todays been a hard one for me... glad its over... faught my hardest, shall now go to bed and cry myself to sleep. Refreshing the tear ducts... YAY *face palm*

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