Hello Sunflower, I'm sorry your thread has been missed but this can happen when the site is busy and threads may get pushed onto another page are overlooked.

Why you don't know the reason for his arrest must be very traumatic for you and you might not be able to find out until he faces court, so are you able to take someone with you because this is where you will need support if that's possible.

How you are thinking has no shame at all, at the moment you actually don't know what he's been up to and whether you could trust him ever again or believe what he has to say.

Please be careful and be sure to take care of yourself, that's important to know that you're not responsible for what he has done, even though how you are feeling.

Let us know what's happening if that's what you want to do.

Take care.

Geoff.

Thank you for your words. I believe my son may have committed one of the most abhorrent crimes, a crime that brings out the worst responses in people. The first time I sincerely believed him when he told me he was innocent. I couldn’t reconcile the man I knew with what was being alleged and I guess I wanted to believe him because the alternative was unbearable. He has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.
I’m tired. Tired of giving to him and getting lies and stress in return. He is almost 40 and has nothing to show for his life. I have wondered if jail is a choice because when he is in there he doesn’t have to make decisions. He gets told what to do, when to do it and how to do it.

Hello Sunflower, it must be very disconcerting not to know what excuse or the reason why he's been arrested, so please brace yourself for the worse possible outcome, that way you won't be too shocked, and I say this with the greatest respect because if he is lying it's not going to be sustainable for your own health, so it's what you are to believe or your own instincts that will put you in an awkward position.

What he says will be to try and be an honest confession and not what he's been charged with, and only the truth you will know when he's actually in court.

Love has an enormous way of keeping us tied to the people who upset us, but loyalty is completely different and can be confusing as it involves the trust to believe him or not and whether you allow him to take control.

I'm really sorry and if you can, please keep in touch with us.

Geoff.

Hello Sunflower, I feel so sorry for you and Tony, and to lose any relationship with our kids is certainly not what we would have expected when you announce your pregnancy, you as well as everyone couldn't be happier for you, but it's impossible to know what's going to happen in 20 years time because all our aim was to provide for them, but as soon as they mature, they take their own path, a direction we may never agree with.

Sometimes these situations are easy to overcome, but other times they break our heart and are often very difficult to cope with and certainly a great shock to our system, so once this affects you either mentally and/or physically it's time to get the help you require because the questions you ask yourself aren't going to be answered honestly with an open mind.

When you do have the chance to see him, you wish and definitely want to believe what he says, but rely on your instincts because your health is so important and you will know how you will need to handle this situation, have trust in your own opinion.

Take care.

Geoff.

Hello Sunflower, it's an awkward situation for you now, not knowing whether or not to believe what has actually happened, and why, then what are your next moves, and leaves you in a quandary as what you are going to do now and in fours time.

The unfortunate point is that he knows he did it but doesn’t remember as he had been drinking and taken drugs (prescription), is something you have to unravel, but in all fairness, you won't know the truth until it goes to court and trying to make 'assumptions' is something you should try not to do, (that's why I don't like using that word).

When I used to wake up during the night thinking about what I need to do or should have done but didn't, I have to stop thinking that way, simply because nothing can be done until tomorrow, I'm only causing unnecessary worry for myself.

I hope you can feel a little better.

Take care.

Geoff.

Hello Sunflower, I know of your concern and very sorry for you and realise that what has just happened creates another enormous problem you have to try and cope with, one you had only wished it wasn't something else to contend with.

It's good you've told the hospital this isn't the first time he had tried, they are then in a position to handle this with extreme care, knowing that he still has to face court and will keep a close watch on him, that's why it wouldn't be appropriate for him to live with you, first, he has to see if he has been sentenced to any gaol time, where he will need to be monitored about his safety.

I can't say or tell you what to do, but if he lived with you, the entire situation for you would put you in a state worst off than what you are now, it would be unwise, simply because you aren't sure what he will want or what may happen, that's certainly not good for your own health.

The court will be informed of his current situation, let them decide what's best to do for your son, at the moment you can't do anything, I'm sad to say, but please can you get back to us.

Take care.

Geoff.

Hi again, thanks for the update.

Let's look at this in terms of cutting him out of your life. I'll use my own situation although quite different but effectively I've lost a child.

She's now 28yo. My second of two daughters, my eldest I'm close to. Their mother I left when the girls were7 and 4 yo. So bad was her narcissistic behaviour I made an attempt on my life. Saved myself and left her one week later. I continued to see the children for weekends. My eldest came to live with me at 12yo. My youngest at 14yo rang me and said chilling words "I dont want to see you anymore". I questioned her a lot to find out the reason but no reason came just silence- mirroring her mothers actions. In fact she was a copy of her mother but I tried to treat her as an individual.

My daughter would then about every 2 years come into my life then 2 weeks later leave it- just like that! It was as if she was digging for information on my, my success and sometimes she wanted money of which she never got.

Two years ago we were travelling around on a caravan trip and again she contacted me (always on facebook so she could block me at her will and wouldnt give me her address nor phone number). We talked great for 10 days then- gone again. Again I was hurt, as my second wife had listened in on the calls she told me I'd done nothing wrong, that it was a game she played. My wife was actually her favourite auntie by marriage most of her childhood and knew her and her mother very well. So I asked myself- "how long will I be playing this game? its been going on for 12 years...when do I stop it forever?"

So I did. I blocked her from facebook and decided not to communicate at all. I also decided that if she found my new address and she approached, I'd invite her in for a talk but I would be very firm and distant. The reason I'd talk with her is for my benefit that I could live with myself better not turning her away.

How does this relate to you? Well, you need to, under the circumstances, preserve yourself, your own life and do what you can manage- whatever that might be.

I've had the comments from others- "but she's your daughter". That doesnt give her immunity. She does not have my interest at heart 1%. She has no interest in my love I give her nor my efforts in other ways. I also paid $15,000 over and above child support to give her a brand new smile with jaw operations.

It's angels like my youngest daughter that I can do without.

I hope that helps. I hope you smile again

TonyWK

Hello again Sunflower, this is a very distressing time for you.

You have a lot of stress dealing with not only your son's actions but also the financial fallout.

It's ALL new and you've been "blindsided" by it all, I think?
You mentioned "the last time" but not sure what you're referring to.

It's all crumbling down on you atm and there's only so much you can process right now.

For one, you don't have to make any huge decisions about whether you'll walk away or not.. you can or you don't have to.
That decision doesn't have to be made right now.

If you ARE staying "in it" just for tomorrow.
You can get a big Scrapbook and put the immediate things in the front of it.
The "soon" things in the middle.
And the "to deal with later" things at the end. (This would include your worries about son rebuilding his life.... that's a later thing).

This may help you compartmentalise what you feel you NEED to do now.
And what can be put off.

I really encourage you to phone 1800RESPECT.
Those awful questions you're asking yourself and blaming yourself about, need to be aired with a professional who can help you feel better, is possible.

Not only are you dealing with your OWN trauma at the shocking news of all of this (and the ways you're finding out!) but you're trying to deal with what son is going through also.
A double whammy.
Possibly more.

I cannot fathom your experiences right now, I'm so sorry this has happened and that son has brought this all upon you too.

Please take some time each day to care for yourself in a nurturing way.

Many Blessings
Love EM

Hi Tony, I hear you. My sons father was very manipulative and he is no longer in either of our lives. My son has borderline personality disorder but he knows the difference between right and wrong. I supported him the first time round because I believed his innocence. I don’t anymore and as hard as it is to reconcile the person that I thought I knew with what he has done I hav3 realised the truth. I’ll just take one day at a time for the moment.

Hi Sunflower

Sorry for making you repeat that, I saw it in your initial post afterwards, but couldn't edit my post, so I'm sorry.

No one would want to believe their own child has committed a crime.

I can see you're beginning to accept that you son has been lying to you for his own reasons.
Seldom would a person guilty of a crime admit they did it anyway.

It really is a case of your son knowing right and wrong as you said.
He's an adult and has made multiple decisions that led him to where he is now.

It's really all on him and it's not a fair thing that you are also burdened with any of it.

I Hope you can find some peace and in some ways detach from the responsibility of his decisions.

I wish you peace
Love EM

Hello Sunflower, can I agree with Tony, 'You're getting a good solid perspective', and although it's a very difficult position for you to be in, you can never be sure exactly what happened and won't be told by him, only the court details will inform you.

You are being so brave but take your time, you don't have to rush this and believe what you're told in the court hearings because you may find it so difficult to believe what your son has to say, especially if there's proof from circumstantial evidence then getting rid of his belongings will help you be able to move forward.

We know it's not pleasant but all you need are family, friends who love you and you can definitely trust.

Have a good Easter and lease let us know how you're feeling and/or getting on.

Take care.

Geoff.