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Topic: Help needed

  1. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    28 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    Evning U77.

    Yep, that does sound stressful. ru meaning. SHE's daughter sent you sms stating "mum doesn't have long left and you can't be with her, because you won't agree to our conditions."?

    because I'm just thinking outside the box here...

    If SHE really is on her death bed then we have a new position on the bargaining table...

    which is, SHE is going to die sometime, how long does U77 have to talk with her?

    So U77 might follow up on that question, because if SHE is forecasted to die in say 7 days due to ill health, then you may be able to waive discussions with parents and kids for 8 days just so you can comfort She over her dying days. That'd be a nice thing to do for a person in pallative care for example.

    So find out how long she has left to live and make your new position known to She.

    She is asking the ultimate question. If I am dying will you come to me?

    So you ask yourself that question and ask yourself how long you will believe her position about her lifespan.

    When I got the msg my grandfather was in pallative care, I was lucky enough to be home with plenty of spare time, so I jumped into the car and drove to see him within the hour. For last requests we might do much - and that is a known tactic, the last request of a dying person.

    And if She isn't really dying soon, then it is a manipulative act of fraud, report it to police!

    The manipulation of course being, I'm dying, come and do everything I say please!

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    28 July 2021 in reply to Here2Talk
    You've hit the nail on the head here 2 talk it was exactly like that.
  3. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    28 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77
    Hey U77, u just cracked the century mark on number of posts, the big 100! The crowd goes wild...
    1 person found this helpful
  4. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    28 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337
    Yes the daughter sent me that message, from what I understand a max of 5 months but it's only what my ex fiancé said to me a couple days ago. the thing is I don't know what to believe.
  5. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    28 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337
    The other thing is dng if I do go back will the DV start again
  6. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    28 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    Hi Unsure77. I am sorry I have to say this my friend. In my opinion based upon what I've read from u77 so far...

    The DV hasn't stopped at all! The DV is happening to you right now, during those sms's.

    Emotional manipulation is an act of DV even over sms/phone.

    So U77, if you go back the DV is likely to continue or even become more pronounced and persistent.

    I am sad for U77. Kind regards, and love dng.

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    28 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337
    She rang this morning sounded terrible could barley talk or breath. She the other day she said th dv was because I drove her into a depression that low she didn't know what she was doing
  8. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    28 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77
    She was reacting to my actions
  9. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    28 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    Morning U77.

    How ya going today mate?

    There are some interesting resources on 1800Respect around DV that could be useful in your situation.

    She may well have been depressed when saying somethings to you U77, that doesn't change your position on your important stuff though.

    kind regards, dng.

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    28 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    Unsure77 said:She rang this morning sounded terrible could barley talk or breath. She the other day she said th dv was because I drove her into a depression that low she didn't know what she was doing

    Hi U77. Ok, she sounds not good. I do note that you haven't shared with me, that I can recall, any indication that She accepts responsibility for Her own actions/inactions in part nor in whole.

     Maybe this is the way u2 relationship has been and she's just continuing on with that? Maybe it is unawareness of her own doings or lack of doings?

    Really makes it tough on you... but I'll take those ideas onboard -which leads me to think of compartmentalization. She doesn't need to know ur talking with parents/kids. If that knowledge is upsetting her, and her brain chemistry isn't permitting her to think/feel reasonably and fair, then I suppose the appropriate response is to not disclose your contacts with parents/kids.

    Unfortunately it will be very difficult to live like that I am Sure u are aware!

    another option is to become even harder, restating your positions in your negotiations.

     

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    28 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    Hi U77. Do you think Her reactions should affect your positions?

    dng

    1 person found this helpful
  12. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    28 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    Hi dng

    she is saying the DV is because of my actions lying to her it drove her into the depression and she didn't know what she was doing.

    i couldn't hide talking to parents and kids from her as she says I have two lives now, I had to choose her or them.

    anyway this morning got too much for me mentally. And emotionally for me dng being acused of lying, cheating because I didn't answer the phone last night when my dad had a heart attack and being told I don't want her I don't love her because I wanted to see my family. I have blocked her number.

    This has killed me emotionally to do this but I could feel myself going backwards into depression myself. I still love her so much it hurts and I feel sick but as much as I want things to change I realise and know they never will.

  13. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    28 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    Evning Unsure77.

    I hear you on all those points. Your emotions will likely settle over time we hope. Go back to your core values, give yourself peace and family time, pull that business back together. You got this.

    Sound about right? what type of business is it?

    dng.

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    28 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337
    It's a tree surgery business, I really don't want to let go of her dng but I have to
  15. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    28 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    How do u envisage this all going forward now?

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    29 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337
    I guess I need to stop contact and one day at a time
  17. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    29 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77
    U77. Well that's midnight-ish. What's happening on the Thursday the 29th?
  18. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    29 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337
    I have my first 2 jobs booked in for the first time in a month
  19. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    29 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    I will never stop thinking about her dng, all I wanted was a two way streetand I was told I don't have that right. I wouldn't be able to call anybody as she wanted to do 24/7 with me until she was comfortable if she ever became comfortable. My phone would be taken and checked continueslly.

    if was to give into her demands I would lose 2 very close friends I know that for sure they have told me this.

  20. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    29 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    Fair enough mate you are allowed to think about it all as much as you want. You are right to want a fair two way street and safety and friends. That's all reasonable stuff.

    Try to build a picture in your head of the future that looks good for you.

    What is the single best goal you can make about your business?
    What is the best goal you can make about friends/family?

    Post em up U77, im at the pc for a while.

    1 person found this helpful
  21. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    29 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    Well the business side would be to make the money to pay my taxes that I spent in attempts to make her happy, don't get me wrong she always asked, but I let her because I wanted her to be happy.

    as for family and friends to be able to see them and not think or talk about her, talk about what we might be doing on the weekend or having my kids stay over.

  22. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    29 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77
    Why am I questioning myself if I have made the right decision when I know it is?
  23. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    29 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    So, 2 jobs booked, are you all prepared to do those jobs?

    Ya might give anyone or all of your family/friends a call and arrange to hang out.

    Set dates, times make goals!

    1 person found this helpful
  24. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    29 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    Yeah I did 2 jobs today, spent last couple days getting machinery ready for today, will work tomorrow.

    is it because I feel so empty and lonely that I'm second guessing myself on my decision dng?

    Or is it because I feel guilty about leaving her in a time of need?

    i really do love her and miss her so much.

  25. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    29 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77
    Have a read up on Stockholm syndrome U77, you may find some answers in there. Look for ways forward & solutions too.
    1 person found this helpful
  26. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    29 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337
    Thanks dng, I did see that this may very we'll be the case.
  27. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    29 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    I have spoken with several survivors of DV and/or SV and there is this weird thing that crops up, sometimes they are both afraid to reach out to their closest healthy friends/family, and afraid to discard the old unhealthy situation.

    The fear is about connection - losing one connection, fearing to make/maintain new and healthier connections.

    So Connect!

    Connect everywhere you can that is healthy.

    1 person found this helpful
  28. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    29 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    One pathway of connecting is reconnecting with oneself - as a conscious practice.

    I suggest you do the 16 personalities process and then read up on what the site says about the personality you show them during the process/questions.

    I'm a infp mediator and my wife is a isjf defender. Note that personality may change over time, so take a snapshot of where you are!

    glhf, dng.

    1 person found this helpful
  29. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    29 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    Evening dng

    where do I find the 16 personalities site you are talking about

  30. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    29 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77
    google "16 personalities" and it should come up as a .com near the top of the list hopefully.
    1 person found this helpful

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