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Topic: I can't cheer my partner up

12 posts, 0 answered
  1. Linnylane
    Linnylane  avatar
    3 posts
    11 December 2017

    Hi

    This is my first post as I'm lost as to what to do! my partner of 20years moved from the UK to Australia with me 3 years ago, he is younger than me and we don't have any children together, I have a daughter here and 3 granddaughters. We sold our house gave up decent jobs and gave the Australian government all our money for a Visa to live here, I love it, my partner doesn't, he is so miserable, hates his job, hates everything and everybody, he works long hours and starts very early in the morning so is in bed by 9pm. I feel miserable because he is miserable, I'm looking for another job for him, but I don't TV think that will change how he is, he misses his parents and friends. His mum has bipolar and other health issues, his grandma had mental health issues too so I'm wondering if this is the start of the same illness for him. I'm crying all the time and feel that I am getting depressed too, I've considered going back to the UK as a couple and starting again but we would have very little and I'm nearly 60, he doesn't want to go to the doctors, I'm feeling very low and just don't know what to do.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. demonblaster
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    11 December 2017 in reply to Linnylane
    Hi Linny welcome :)

    What a shame, you're loving it & partners not, makes it difficult doesn't it.
    If you were both new here it could be down to adjusting but 3 yrs is a decent amount of time isn't it.
    Understandable you feeling miserable too seeing him upset.

    Sounds like you're doing the right thing trying for another job for him because the hrs sound rough and if he hates it too.

    Have you noticed different behaviour within the 20 yrs together or is this new because of circumstances do you think.

    I know with Bipolar, have done a reasonable amount of research that if two parents have it the chances are higher for child to have it. Was over 60% with two parents & with one parent maybe 40 ish % + that was yrs ago in a brochure so could have changed now. Had a quicky looksy but couldn't see anything on net. This is a guide, don't remember exacts.

    Not sure about other MH issues but have heard of families with multiple MI's (mental Illness)

    A lot of people don't want to go to GP or seek help for various reasons, my thoughts are it could benefit you both & that it's putting strain on the relationship as you're experiencing, Linny do you think you could benefit seeing someone. Difficult for you to be supporting partner when you're coming down too.

    Hard situation for you, I hope you're able to come to some arrangement that suits you both.

    All Best :)
    1 person found this helpful
  3. geoff
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    13 December 2017 in reply to Linnylane
    hello Linnylane, and welcome all the way from the UK, and sorry that your expectations to move back to Aus. hasn't really benefited you.
    You have a long r/ship with your partner which is lovely but to hear that he is very unhappy concerns us.
    If you did move back to the UK then his mental health, ( if I allowed to call it
    that) there is no chance that he will improve, because feeling miserable doesn't disappear all of a sudden, and whether he is suffering from BP a doctor needs to diagnose him, and because he doesn't want to go, then I would be saying to him that you both need to have a checkup coming from the UK.
    You can go before this because it's affecting you, and now you are suffering from some sort of depression, I would tell the doctor about your partner, but I'm sure that when he sees them it could be obvious, but the doctor would look after you first of all, because at the moment you're not strong enough to handle this situation.
    We can't diagnose as we're not qualified, however if his mother has BP and his g/mother has mental issues, then he may also have it, so maybe getting another job may ease his problems but only temporary.
    I'm 62 and know what it feels like to be in your position and hope to hear back from you. Geoff. x
  4. demonblaster
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    13 December 2017 in reply to geoff

    Yeah thats right we cant diagnose

    Just to be clear i was answering not diagnosing ☺

  5. Linnylane
    Linnylane  avatar
    3 posts
    14 December 2017 in reply to geoff
    Thank you for your reply just writing things down and talking about it is helping me a little, but unfortunately things are getting worse, we just argue all the time, I'm crying constantly we are miserable, it's such a sad sorry state, I'm at a loss 😢 we can't speak to each other without arguing, we don't agree on anything and he is becoming a bit of a bully to me, he doesn't want to do much or go anywhere everything is too much trouble or he's too tired, now he's told me he's working on his days off so m on my own alot not much social life for either of us. I Havent a clue what we are going to do.
    1 person found this helpful
  6. JessF
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    14 December 2017

    Hello Linnylane, I was struck by the title of your post, 'I can't cheer my partner up'. This is a huge responsibility to take on, and I would argue, it is not your responsibility. Try as we might, we cannot make another person happy - they need to find that spark within themselves. I suspect the more you try and mother him, the further he will push away.

    Being in an environment where you don't want to be can be a big trigger for poor mental health. We can't control the behaviour of others, but we do have a choice in how we react to situations or behave ourselves.

    Moving halfway across the world is a big thing. It sounds like, partner aside, it has worked out well for you because you love life in Australia. What could you do to start building a life for yourself that is independent of your partner? Friendship networks, hobbies, interests, even time to yourself away from the home doing something you love. At the very least, this will provide you with the respite you need from his moods.

    2 people found this helpful
  7. demonblaster
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    15 December 2017 in reply to Linnylane

    Hi linny

    Glad you're getting some comfort writing here.

    It's sounding very stressful the situation you're in, good suggests from Jess doing some things for you personally.

    It sounds like its escalating, you said he's becoming a bully to you, do you feel safe?

    A visit to your GP could be of good help to you, they may be able to advise on an approach to this or be able to put you onto other help

    You do need to look after yourself as you said it's understandably starting to depress you too

    Could ring bb here to talk it through or email, chat online details bottom of page L) side in Red

    Call 1300 22 4636
    24 hours / 7 days a week

    best

  8. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8809 posts
    15 December 2017 in reply to Linnylane

    Hi Linnylane,

    Welcome to the community here. I am wondering if you noticed any sign of depression or issues with your husband before you left the UK?

    Making the decision to leave family and friends behind and to start all over again can be a huge thing to cope with. I am wondering if your husband is suffering from a type of loss and grief? (Only guessing here!)

    My husband and I moved house 5 years ago to a small country town. It can be difficult to make new friends and to feel like you belong and fit in.

    Depression can make people very grumpy. I know if I do not feel like I am in control of a situation I become snappy and angry! Maybe your husband has no idea how to make himself feel better right now.

    Maybe you could leave out pen and paper for him and ask him to consider/answer the following:

    - How am I feeling right now

    - How do I want to feel

    -How can I improve my life

    - What are my negative thoughts

    - How can I change them to positives

    Even if he just looks at these it might make him realise he does have choices.

    You also need to ensure you feel safe, can set boundaries against unwanted behaviour in a respectful way, and find ways to add enjoyment to your own life.

    Just a few thoughts, cheers from Dools

    2 people found this helpful
  9. chrissy1
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    172 posts
    15 December 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Hi DB

    l do hope u are well. I got that thread I was worried about (BigBlue ) I was so relieved, he went to hospital.

    i said I would let u know. I did ring Beyondblue they said there hands are tied and could not help me. Thanks for ur support.

    take care

    chrissy1

    d

    .

  10. demonblaster
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    7658 posts
    15 December 2017 in reply to chrissy1

    Thx Chrissy ok👍re Bigblue. Big relief hope he improves

    Thx letting me know ☺

  11. jeelypiece
    jeelypiece avatar
    1 posts
    27 December 2017 in reply to Linnylane

    Hi Linnylane

    I think I can slightly relate to your situation. I moved to Australia from the UK too when I was only 7. I remember me and my brother being so upset and angry at our parents for taking us away from our family and friends. This and allover homesickness led to our parents deciding it was a mistake and moving back to the UK after a year in Aus. It only took us 8 months to realise that maybe life in Australia was a better choice and would be most beneficial to us in terms of opportunity and quality of life, despite leaving behind everything we knew. Now I was only 7, i can imagine how hard it would be for an older person who has grown so comfortable to living in the UK.

    Have you both been back at all for family visits or holidays? My family and I have found that a yearly visit of 3 weeks back home allows us to overcome the homesickness and reassures us that Australia was a good decision for us. Maybe if your partner can visit more often he will begin to gain clarity on what he truly wants. I really hope it works out for both of you, life can be really difficult when you feel stuck between two places.

    All the best xx

    2 people found this helpful
  12. Linnylane
    Linnylane  avatar
    3 posts
    3 January 2018 in reply to jeelypiece
    thank you for your reply, things are bad, arguing, sadness, both want different things. Yes my partner went back to the UK in June 2016 for 4 weeks, he had a great time golfing, drinking and being with his friends, when he came back to oz he was depressed and sick, he had 2 weeks off work I'll!!! just don't know what to do anymore, feeling very sad and frustrated xx
    1 person found this helpful

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