Crazy train said:

Hello Dr Kim, I am a 36 year old male and have developed a severe fixation, severe depression, I have a bad drug addiction (weed approx. over 100 cones a day)...

Hi there,

I am so glad you wrote in , but I fear you won’t like the answer as it's not easy . You are completely right when you say that you need help. You are smoking WAY TOO MUCH. Your brain is starting to not cope .. and I think you are at  risk of a psychotic episode. The voices may be the beginning of this.

I also note that you have suicidal thoughts and these can be very dangerous. Please make sure you have  a friend or family member with you, ring a suicide help line (https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/get-support-now) or go to an Emergency department if these thoughts are too overwhelming and you  are not safe.

I urge you to get help as quickly as possible in a supported drug rehab service. Ask your GP to guide you here. If you don't feel you can do this alone, ask a family member or friend to come with you. Print this response out and take it with you if it helps . Most inpatient programmes are 1-2 weeks but the recovery is actually much longer - meaning you have to work at it for 3, 6 or even 12 months as an outpatient to really make it effective.

OK . Next question I think you have is that you are concerned about the rehab and that it is going to be hard. Like will you get angry? Yeah! Probably , but if you think that you will be the first pissed off angry person in rehab, you are mistaken . Of course it will be hard but the staff have seen it all before and will help to guide you through it. Your life now sounds pretty awful, so I think it is worth putting in the effort of taking the risk of feeling angry and physically unwell for a couple of weeks in order to change it. The worst of the withdrawal is over relatively quickly 1-2 weeks .. however, lets be honest , the road to recovery where your brain doesn’t crave the old drug habit .. now that can take months! 

Old entrenched habits are hard to break but not impossible. Think about stopping smoking. It can takes months and months before the urge to light up stops flooding you. 

The good news is that medicine has come a long way in its understanding of addictions and doctors in the area can help to smooth things for you if you work in partnership with them and work really hard to stay on the programmes.

So, please please get yourself into a rehab programme as soon as you can. It isn’t fun , but it could be the beginning of a new start for you. I think you might have just taken your first step along the path to getting better just by posting here ! So good on you!
 

Just Sara said:

Hi Dr Kim;

Around 3 months ago I managed to finally stop anxiety/panic in its tracks, but this was replaced with depression. As I've said above, I've returned from hospital feeling confident and well.

Hi Sara

I am so pleased to hear that you are doing better after your admission to hospital. It is really heartening and inspiring to others to hear that you have “ stop anxiety in its tracks” after such a long battle . So good for you! It is not uncommon that depression lurks around alongside anxiety .. People can get depressed about the effects that anxiety has on their lives and people can get anxious about the effects that depression has on their lives . Also the neurochemical imbalance in the brain that causes them both is not that different .

There might be a number of reasons why your body is changing physically - the constant adrenaline/ cortisol, hormonal changes (I’m not sure of your age but I’m guessing you are at least in your 50’s and womens bodies definitely do change shape with hormonal changes of menopause ) , medications  or just ageing. Or sometimes we just have no idea.

In any case .. I would concentrate on wellbeing . It sounds as if you are doing pretty well in that arena . You are eating well and exercising and your total weight is not increasing . Your mental health is really great at the moment, so I would stand back and look holistically at the big picture and say that on the whole you are doing GREAT! If there is a shift in muscle / fat proportions … so be it. It may or may not have anything to do with whats happening in your mental health but I would just keep working on keeping fit - Keeping working on your cardiovascular fitness and muscle strength and eating healthy food most of the time and enjoying the peace of mind you have at the moment.

I hope this is reassuring and again I want to thank you for sharing your inspiring experience with us. Keep working at the depression with your health professionals … I hope that you have the same success with that as you have had with the anxiety . 
 

Thankyou Dr Kim for your response. I appreciate the encouragement and support. My thyroid's fine, so as you say, the change in my metabolism could be from a combination of causes. The same goes for treating this change too, there's many ways to support ongoing health, not just physical, but mentally too.

Sara

Hi,Dr Kim

What therapies that focus more on feelings and emotions?

I've tried CBT, CPT, ACT, mindfulness, etc with little to no success, in fact they often brought up more confusion and emotions then they dealt with. Telling myself to think a certain way or word things a certain way doesn't seem to change my emotions and therefore doesn't change the feelings of depression and anxiety.

I've had a quick read of EFT (emotion focussed therapy) on wikipedia and it seems like an option to discuss with my current psychologist (or use it as a basis in finding a new psych). What other options are there?

When I've discussed with my current psych what hasn't worked or why I feel the current approach isn't working, she seems to get exasperated and starts asking me 'well, what do YOU want to do?'. I've explained that I don't know what will work or even what might work, I've tried everything I can think of hence why I've come to a psych for further assistance. So I thought this time if I come in with some ideas it might help.

Hi Dr Kim,

I have recently been diagnosed with anxiety. My brother was killed in a car accident 10 months ago and my stepfather has stage 4 cancer. I carry a lot of stress in my life from my job, I'm studying at uni and I have 3 children. In the past I have been able to cope but in the last month I've hit a wall.

I've had an uncomfortable feeling in my throat for the last month which has caused issues with me eating. I've been to my GP multiple times, they've run blood tests, done an ultrasound on my thyroid and most recently have come back with that it's being caused by anxiety as all my test results are normal. Because of the uncomfortable feeling in my throat,it ranges from feeling like a lump at the top of my throat down to pressure around the base of throat where the little concave bit is. Anyway, because my throat feels uncomfortable, I can't eat. I have to psych myself up to it, I've never had issues with food before but now most days I'm surviving on toast and water. I'm concerned that the food that I eat will give me an allergic reaction despite having no allergies! I've lost about 5kg in the last month. My doctor has prescribed me some medication but I feel like I've failed myself by not being strong enough to cope with life so I can't take them.

I feel so trapped and held back by things and I feel like giving up. I have never had to fight with myself internally before. I know that my thoughts about food is irrational but even by knowing that, it doesn't change anything.

Anyway, I hope you can give me some advice that will help.

FringeDweller said:

Hi,Dr Kim

What therapies that focus more on feelings and emotions?

I can certainly understand your frustration.. however, studies have shown that there isn’t one particular mode of therapy that is better than any other. In fact, as long as the therapist is reputable and qualified, the thing that seems to be the most important factor is that you feel connected, supported and understood by them. 

So maybe, the thing to do is to continue to:
 
1. Work on your RELATIONSHIP with your therapist. Not in a creepy way!!  but I mean that you are honest with her about what you feel you have achieved / learnt / discovered in therapy and what symptoms still bother you. Work in partnership with her to help her to help you. You don't need to tell her what to do but it is great if you can give her feed back about how you feel. So you could give her an inventory of your emotional world and let her know how you are travelling inside. Then let her work out how to help you. Thats her job. 

Therapy is a long haul… it takes trust and a sense that the two of you can roll your sleeves up and tackle things together. Sometimes your combined work will bear fruit and sometimes it won’t, but at least you will have a partner and guide on your journey to feeling better . Hang in there and be honest but not directive.

2. Dont rely just on therapy to feel better. Therapy is one of 4 main areas that you need to work on in order to feel better from anxiety or depression . You also need to simultaneously be working on 

- lifestyle factors : Diet , exercise, sleep
- Mindfulness programmes
- good healthy daily routines
- Possible medications if your health professionals advise it.

I’m not saying that you shouldn't consider your options… and by all means explore things like group therapy or support groups or family therapy or even try another therapist ..however, bear in mind the first statement … Many large controlled studies have looked at the data and NOT found one type of therapy to be superior .. therapeutic success is in the relaionship you build.

Weazel said:

Hi Dr Kim,

I have recently been diagnosed with anxiety. My brother was killed in a car accident 10 months ago and my stepfather has stage 4 cancer. I carry a lot of stress in my life from my job, I'm studying at uni and I have 3 children. In the past I have been able to cope but in the last month I've hit a wall.

Hi and thank you for sharing your story with me. It reminds me again of the powerful connection between mind and body. It never ceases to amaze me how the body can help us to shine a light on things when our brains are being a bit slow to do it!

With you, I wonder if your inability to swallow is both literally and figuratively an inability to swallow…Both physically and emotionally .I think its hard to digest everything that has happened .

Its like both your mind and body have said “NO MORE!” I’m not swallowing ANY MORE! I’m full ! I am stressed to the max and I can’t take in anything else..

With everything that has happened in your life recently and everything that is on your plate day to day, it doesn't surprise me that you are feeling overwhelmed and have “hit a wall” . 

I think that the key to this is doing some work that allows you to unload some of the stress in your mind but also connect with your body and allow it to relax and “unblock”. I would start with a therapist, a great yoga / breathing / relaxation class and lots of Mindfulness . (I know you must be time poor with everything so maybe try the Headspace Mindfulness App in your smart phone ! )

Your GP did suggest medication . That might be necessary to allow you to relax enough to “ unblock” . If this is the case .. dont feel like a failure as it is a strong person who takes control and gets themselves back in shape whatever it takes! 

Anxiety isn’t rational which is why you can’t talk yourself out of it. You can “know” its irrational but still not be able to swallow. Please seek guidance for this as IT IS treatable. It is important to look after yourself so you can look after everyone around you too. 

Hi Dr Kim.

I have been previously diagnosed with obsessive compulsive personality disorder (OCPD) and clinical perfectionism. I struggle a great great deal with making decisions and often resort to copious and excessive amounts of research, deliberation and eventually avoid making a choice altogether. I seem to be extremely fearful of making the wrong choice, and this caused me to be paralysed and dysfunctional in so many areas of my life. I'm not confident that a generalist psychologist will know how to treat this. Unfortunately, when I use search engines like the Australian Psychological Society, there is no search parameter or filter for OCPD or clinical perfectionism. My questions to you are:-

1. How can I go about finding a therapist for these specific issues? Directories are so hit-or-miss....and this is compounded by the fact that I can't even narrow my search results by my presenting issue.

2. Can what I have be considered a specific phobia? This is an important question, because it determines whether I seek exposure treatment (which is typically effective for phobias)

Thanks in advance

Hi Dr Kim,

I am at high school age and I think I may have anxiety. Some symptoms I have include:

- having fits of hysterical crying, particularly at night or when I'm tired, and feeling hopeless or like I don't know what to do anymore.

- when thinking about a task I get a feeling of deep dread that makes me really stressed.

- Being very stressed multiple times a day.

- Noticing that during these 'fits' if you will, I recognise that I shouldn't be worrying, but continue with the fit

I was wondering if you could help me distinguish if I have anxiety, or whether I'm not coping with my stress very well.

Thanks,

Kate

hi Kate, I'm not sure whether Dr.Kim is working over this long week end, but can I suggest you google 'difference between stress and anxiety and depression', this maybe able to help you with your question or until Dr.Kim gets back. Geoff.

Hi Dr Kim

I am 56 , in a long term relationship and have suffered depression and anxiety my whole life. I have seen a psychologist for ever, fortnightly for past 6 years.

How do I respond, when in a 'conversation' with my partner, my depression is thrown back at me in anger?

It totally disarms me, I feel a gripping in my chest, I feel sadness.

I try to breathe through it, but I feel disarmed.

Thanks

Hello Dr Kim,

I've been feeling very down. I've no good friends whom cares enough to have time for me. People always say, "Let me know if you need me!" But then they go on with their lives and never really remember I exist. Why is it that I'm so unlucky..?! I'm always searching, hoping for that true friend who cares... but sadly there's no one! To top it up, It took me a long time to realise that my brother, sister and cousins have disowned me. All these years I've been away living overseas, I put it down to distance. However, from my end, Although being far, they've always in my thoughts and my love for them has never waned. But for nearly 2 years since coming home to live permanently, I realise my sister and brother never find time for me nor for my children. I feel that unlike me, They don't have any need to have time for my kids to be with their cousins. I wonder, Why do they dislike me so much? I know I've made mistakes, but shouldn't sisterly and brotherly love forgive us for our mistakes and try to find ways to maintain our family bond? Today too, something happened that confirmed that my Uncle, Aunt and cousins want nothing to do with me. All This upsets me so much and constantly feels my mind with sadness. Is this depression? That's why I searched online to see if anyone is experiencing this... However, part of me is in denial and of course we're financially strained, so I can't afford to go see a therapist/Psychologist. I think I need to do something for my own own family sake and for my own mental health. Is there some forum / centre I can seek help without the cost?

Hi Kate, we can't provide a diagnosis here on the forums. We would suggest having a good look through this section of our website, which has some really good general information about anxiety and what it is:

https://www.youthbeyondblue.com/understand-what%27s-going-on/anxiety

 

DesperateForChange said:

Hi Dr Kim.

I have been previously diagnosed with obsessive compulsive personality disorder (OCPD) and clinical perfectionism.

Hi,
 
I think your statement about struggling with decisions and procrastination is SO common in anxiety and especially when there is either perfectionism or low self esteem. Both of these conditions cause an intolerance for getting things wrong- a lack of self forgiveness or compassion at not getting things done “perfectly" or being judged as not good enough.

The anxiety voices can be so strong in ones head that they literally can cause you to be frozen with indecision - stuck on a starting line and unable to move forward. This is really tough and I guess we need strategies to work out how to recognise this frustrating process and go around it .

This is NOT an impossible ask for a trained therapist .. but it will take a lot of hard therapy work and maybe even medications if the thoughts are really intense and unresponsive.

I suggest you look at a few options and assume you have already asked your GP.  I’m not sure where you are geographically .. but have a look at this site . It allows you to put in your condition and your postcode. I checked the suggestions it gave me around my area and I recognised some of the names which was reassuring!

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/find-a-professional 

Also look at these guys for people in NSW or Vic 

http://www.anxietyaustralia.com.au/find-a-therapist/

If you are under 24 yrs old ,call a local Headspace centre for a recommendation.

You don't have a specific “phobia" I dont think. It seems more like bad anxiety and OCDPD to me as I have heard this story from so many anxiety sufferers as part of their mindset.

swimmer said:

Hi Dr Kim

I am 56 , in a long term relationship and have suffered depression and anxiety my whole life. I have seen a psychologist for ever, fortnightly for past 6 years.

Hi there,

I feel sad to hear that you feel so hurt by your partners comments about your history of depression. Depression is not something to blame someone for. It is not your fault. It is not a personality flaw. Yes, it is important to take responsibility to control it in the same way that someone with Diabetes needs to take responsibility to control their blood sugar, but I think that's different to blaming someone for having it. It is also sometimes important to acknowledge the struggle the person may have in that battle to keep the illness under control. 
 
There may be a number of reasons that your partner may do this …here are some of many possibilities..
 
They may be insecure themselves and feel that in order to maintain control of the conversation, its easier to put someone down. However, clearly its not a very kind way to make someone feel more in control, get a point across or feel a sense of power. 

Or it may be that your partner doesn’t know how much it hurts you?

Or it may be that the comments may alluding to your depression limiting the things they feel they can or can’t say and that makes them angry? 

Or maybe they are upset and angry at the depression, not at you .. at what it robs you of in your life and what it robs the both of you.. It can certainly affect partners and maybe instead of having an open honest conversation about this .. it is coming out in angry hurtful bursts.
 
I’m not sure , but I guess it would be worth discussing with your therapist and maybe even bringing your partner in to a session if that is appropriate to really look at it together. 
 
I also recommend talking with your therapist about looking at calming, breathing , soothing techniques for the actual episodes , so that when they are occurring , you have a way to not feel so affected , to avoid the “ gripping in your chest”.
 

Lizie said:

Hello Dr Kim,

I've been feeling very down. I've no good friends whom cares enough to have time for me. People always say, "Let me know if you need me!" But then they go on with their lives and never really remember I exist. 

I can certainly understand why you feel upset at the attitude of your family. We humans inherently prefer to be part of a “pack”. I guess in caveman times it was a survival technique , so its in our DNA somewhere. When the pack ostracises one, it feels very uncomfortable. 

Here are some thoughts :

1.You can’t make people like you or want to be with you, but you can work on being the most likeable version of you so that it makes it more likely that they will !  What I mean is that we don't have control over others , just ourselves… so work on that. Be great ! Be some one that others WANT to have in their lives, whether you are family or not. Hopefully your family will see who you are and trust that you are indeed someone that they want to be with and will start to reinvest time into. 

2. Find things that bring you joy- you are searching for a true friend , but I suggest that maybe you search for friendship via hobbies and interests . Join a mens shed ( if you are a guy!)  or a walking group or a sports team or a church group or a choir or a volunteer organisation or do something with your kids that interests them.  It doesn’t matter what it is , but getting out and finding YOUR thing and feeling happy and focused and interested means that the dependance on others to supply this happiness for you is reduced. 

3. You might like to talk with your GP about seeking therapy support via the ATAPS system . It can provide psychology support to those who need it but are finding it hard to access under the usual ways ( here’s some info on this programme - https://mhsa.aihw.gov.au/support/ataps/  )
 

Hi dr Kim,

first of all, thank you! Second of all, I have a long history of depression and anxiety. After hospitalisation several years ago I decided to be proactive and have since regularly been seeing a psychologist. Long story short (kind of) I feel I have out grown the help. We talk through issues, which helps and is great but I need to learn coping mechanisms and how to get through my episodes. My question is should I find another psychologist or would some other kind of medical professional be more suited? Thanks

MissBethM said:

Hi dr Kim,

first of all, thank you! Second of all, I have a long history of depression and anxiety. After hospitalisation several years ago I decided to be proactive and have since regularly been seeing a psychologist. Long story short (kind of) I feel I have out grown the help. 

Super great question! I wonder if you may have indeed just got what can from this wonderful therapist and may need “fresh eyes” on your situation . You clearly are not the person you were those years ago so maybe your needs now are different.  It may be that the sort of therapist that suits you now may also be quite different from the therapist you needed back then.

I would raise this with your current therapist and say something like you feel your journey with them may be coming to a close and you need a fresh start .. I dont think your therapist should feel threatened by this . I think you should both feel proud of the work you have done to get you to his point.

Part of being a strong person with good self esteem is being able to clearly identify your needs and state them without aggression or anger to another . So in doing this to your therapist you are modelling to them that you have “graduated” as a person in so many ways!

You should be proud of yourself and stand up for what YOU need. This is not about what works for your therapist or their feelings. This is about getting you to a place where you are your best self.
 
You may need someone who for example works in the Positive Psychology model .. who can help you to develop better ways to identify and strengthen positives in your life and cope with difficulties. You may need someone who is very CBT focused at the moment with very concrete ideas of how to manage things , or maybe you need a mindfulness programme , maybe even a group mindfulness programme.. there are many avenues to explore . 

Open yourself to many ideas and explore a few things before you decide what might help you on this next phase. 

You may even ask your current therapist that in the future, if you feel the time is right , would you be able to return? That way you are keeping your options open and it may not be so scary to make a change. 
 
In any event, I think it is great to talk openly with your psychologist about this … they may even have suggestions for the next “ phase “ of your journey! 
 

Hi everyone, thanks for all your questions. Dr Kim is going to be away for a couple of weeks, but will return to answer questions in this thread as usual from Monday 3 April. We'll be closing the thread off until then.

Hi Dr Kim

ive recently been put onto antipsychotic medications- dont think im allowed to name them on here.

but i was wondering is there any long term side effects associated with these?

the plan is to get off them when i can but i dont know when that will be so looking at long term effects

Hi Dr Kim,

I am currently studying Year 12 and am undergoing the research project. I am looking into To what extent does cardio (aerobic exercise- walking, jogging, cycling etc.) take effect on ones mental health.

I came across this online forum and thought it may be useful to post on here to seek any information you have or opinions on the topic. It will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you

Hi startingnew and Amber, unfortunately we can't assist with either of these questions - as mentioned at the start of this thread, Dr Kim is unable to answer questions to do with medications. These are best discussed offline with your health professional.  

Our community rules also state that the forums can't be used for research projects. There is plenty of information available online about the benefits of exercise for mental health, we would suggest starting with Google and going from there. 

Hi Dr Kim,

I'm 17 years old and I'm writing to ask about my mothers mental health. Over the past 10 or so years, her personality has changed completely. We have ignored it but recently it is becoming a bit too much for me to handle and I am worried that I will begin to resent her for the strain she has unknowingly put on my childhood. My mother is also profoundly deaf

I began to notice a change after the death of her mother in 2010, she wasn't particularly close with her mum but I think that may have set it off. She acts extremely childish and is very stubborn, she neglects me and favours my brother a lot. She has isolated herself from all of her friends and sits in front of the TV all day, she will not work even though my father has been begging her to get a job. She has no concept of social norms, will not leave the house on her own unless persuaded. She does not clean herself, wash her hair, brush her teeth etc. Every time she is asked to help with the chores she refuses or complains, then does a very mediocre job. She teases and taunts me trying to wind me up. She spends my fathers money as soon as she can, despise his desperate pleas for her not to. She says things that a 'normal' person would know not too as it is innaproriate. Her diet could potentionally lead to a life threatening illness if she continues eating the way she does. Talking to her is like talking to a brick wall, she doesn't seem to comprehend things.

I could go on forever, she spends all day sitting in the same spot watching day time television. Often forgets she is cooking and burns her food, or forgets she is running a bath. She forgets to pick me up. There is probably a lot more that I am forgetting. Although sometimes, very rarely, she becomes herself again but I have to watch what I say or do as I could easily set her off. I cherish those moments as I miss her, but at the moment I can't stand to be around her. She does not seem unhappy or depressed, maybe anxious in social situations, especially when communicating wit strangers, which I expect is linked to her hearing impairment

I am just really desperate to help her and selfishly, to help myself because I want her in my life, I want a 'normal' mother, or at least one I can talk to properly.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I appreciate it :)

Hi elbet,

I was just reading through some posts in the Dr Kim section and came across your post. You have come to a good place to find support.

I feel you are wise beyond your years and it is awesome that you are refusing to continue to put your head in the sand about things that are concerning you at present.

The most important thing is to look after yourself and your own well being. Have you got a good GP you could visit to discuss the issues that is concerning you at present.

You are going through some challenging concerns and i feel i am far from being an expert on this matter but have experienced finding help for someone who did not seek help when they needed it. Finding help for someone who is not well is not always an easy task and it could take a little time. Gaining support with your other family members could help you greatly. Talking to someone who is knowledgeable in mental health is a great asset as they could help you choose the best avenue to take with your situation.

Look after yourself and please be gentle on yourself because it is not easy to fix other people's issues without them wanting to do it themselves.

Gen [Hugs]

Hi there and thank you for your post. 

Firstly you are not being selfish for wanting a mum who functions normally in your life. One who you can look up to, who can support you, who can guide you, who can model appropriate adult behaviours. It is great that you are wanting her to come up to your level of behaviour instead of thinking that in order to have a relationship with her you need to “go down” to where she is i.e. underfuntioning. 

I have no idea why your mum is behaving in that way. There are many possibilities from unresolved  issues within her own family of origin ( which may be important here as it started after her mum’s passing) ,to personality styles or disorders, to mental health problems. I just don't know. 

What I have worked out over the years is that it is almost impossible to make someone change if they dont want to. If your mum was doing all those things and miserable about it and begging for you guys to help her change , then you have an “in”- something to work with.

However , if someone doesn’t think they have a problem, or else can see they have an issue but doesn’t want to change, then you are really kind of powerless to make them do anything.

So.. where does that leave you ?

I think it leaves you in grief - Grieving the mum that you thought you were going to have, grieving the relationship that you once had, grieving the vision of the family you thought you could have and enjoy. 

It’s sad but it seems that you might have to let that go and come to terms with the reality of a new family. That includes a brother and dad that hopefully you can build a good relationship with. But it also includes a mother that may never be kind, caring and supportive of you. And it's not your fault . It is because she is unwell in some way and cannot extend what she should to her child and partner.

So, I say this with much sadness , but I think the best course for you is to let go of the hope of fixing your mum and if you want her in your life, then lower your expectations. Do not expect the “normal" mum that you can talk to properly as that hope will just keep getting smashed and it hurts every time. When she is nice, see it as a rare  & pleasant surprise.

Save yourself emotionally. Its like when someone is drowning , you need to make sure you have a life vest on first before trying to go over to them , or else they will pull you under the waves. Get your life vest on… Get your education, develop your friendships, develop your hobbies and interests, develop your family relationships that are going to be rewarding. Be kind to yourself , be proud of yourself and be strong. 

When you are at your best my hope is that whatever behaviours your mum dishes up, you will be able to be compassionate to her, see it as “her stuff”, nothing to do with you and disengage without being hurt by it. 

I need advice on my son hes in deep depression and hes taking out his frustrations on his family, i dont know what to say or do?

Dear Dr Kim

I don't think you can help me with this, nor if I can explain it properly. I seem to have a problem with "over thinking, at times leaning towards these thoughts becoming a bit paranoid". When faced with a choice, a decision -I can't take any course of action, or make a choice as I weigh up "what might happen if" regarding both choices, imagining clearly in my mind possible bad negative scenarios, the dialogue that goes on, the scenes taking place - all imaginary. (but this could also be my "gut feelings or instinct" warning me it is the wrong choice couldn't it?)

I don't know when to trust my "gut feelings" as we are advised to do in so many books, self -help aids etc...."go with your deepest inner feelings". Yes I could do that! BUT.....how can I tell if it's my "innermost gut feelings" OR my paranoid over-thinking pushing me towards a decision?

As I turn both possible outcomes over and over in my mind my anxiety reaches top level - I can't function properly, I almost have a panic attack just going about my everyday business - like a mouse on a treadmill. I can't get off, my head spins, I don't want to get out of bed with another day of indecisiveness hanging over my head. If I make the "wrong" decision I will have to apologise to everyone for doing so, berate myself for yet again being an idiot -etc etc.

Any advice on how I can tell the difference?......thank you for taking the time to read this....Moonstruck

Hi Dr Kim,

I'm a 50 something y/o woman and have been depressed most of my life.

I'm fiercely independent and have just toughed it out for 40 years. I just can't do it anymore. I need to make some changes and simply don't know where to begin.

I've been on/off medication and in/out treatment numerous times with no real results. I'm disillusioned with the advice often given e.g. take care of yourself, eat well, exercise. What happens if your life style doesn't allow you to do so?

I'm a single parent of 2 young children, 1 with special needs. I receive no help/support from my ex husband of 10 years, in fact he only adds to our problems. I have no family/friends. I work full time and only manage to go backwards financially. I have no interests, no hobbies. I now also have significant health issues. The reality is I don't have the time or the money to address any of my issues and continue feeding my children.

For the first time in my life I'm scared. I no can no longer rely on decades ahead of me with unknown possibilities. There is no bright future ahead. I thought the last 1/2 a century was hard. I'm scared the next is going to be harder and I don't know what to do.

I have turned to this website in the hope of finding some practical suggestions, rather than some unrealistic advice.

Many thanks for your time.

hey dr kim,

will do my best to keep it short. I am needing some assistance.

If someone are to be feeling extremely depressed and as though nothing is worth it anymore, feels as though they can't get out of bed and constantly thinks about suicide but has not yet made plans for suicide as such and feel they are at high risk of harming themselves, are they able to admit themselves to the hospital ward? or how severe do they have to be to be able to admit themselves? Is this a good option?

thank you.

Ozzymon said:I need advice on my son hes in deep depression and hes taking out his frustrations on his family, i dont know what to say or do?

Hi - Your situation is all too common and I just a quick scan of the websites shows that most of them have a section devoted to this exact problem … so you are definitely not alone.

https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/getting-help/helping-someone-else

https://www.sane.org/families-carers/39-refusing-treatment

https://www.headspace.org.au/friends-and-family/

Maybe think of these three things-

1. Be compassionate- think he is doing his best even though he his best at this time is actually pretty poor- its all he has. This view may allow you to be as kind as you possibly can to him and trust that his behaviour is because he is unhappy , not because he is not nice or doesn’t like you etc.

2. Place boundaries - It is important that you are able to maintain a sense of wellbeing in your own home. Thus, I do feel it is ok to gently place boundaries around his behaviours if they are becoming unreasonable or distressing. Something like “ I understand what we do seems frustrating to you, and I am going to understand if you need to get up and walk away or go for a walk around the block to cool off, however its not ok to swear at us or call us names as a way of managing your frustrations . Can you try another way ? “ ( Say this when he is calm ..)

3. Keep offering help - Gently present a case that you feel he is not his “best self” .  That you are concerned that he isn’t as happy as he might be and that he may be losing time in his youth feeling sad when there are treatments for this kind of thing. When he feels ready, you would be happy to support him by taking him to a GP , or a Headspace centre .. or even make the appointments for him or just give him some on line services like eHeadspace or Beyond Blue help lines or forums as a start. Remind him that you are not angry with him  but you feel sad for him watching him go through it. Tell him you won’t abandon him and that you will help him in whatever way he feels might be the first step. That you will be proud of him whatever he tries.

I hope this helps. Remember to get support yourself if you need it. It may even be a powerful tool to get a family therapist to have “meetings” to discuss whats happening in your family and invite him to come along. If he comes, great!  If he doesn’t , then you guys can discuss how to manage a resistant family member. The message he will get though when you all are at that meeting is very powerful . That you all care so much and that you want to help, but also that his behaviours are hurting you all.