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Topic: Even at 60

20 posts, 0 answered
  1. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    21 November 2021

    Hello to all the courageous out there

    At this next stage in my life, I had hoped to have gain wisdom and life skills in order to help deal and push forward in the positive. However, I find myself sorely lacking in life's skills when dealing with people and coping with loneliness. For me, I find that I am still unable to make new friends or if I do, hold onto them. I find that I am always the one who initiates the phone call or organises the get togethers. Yet if I don't make the first move, then the only thing I hear are crickets. My phone may as well be switched off. My children call only when they need something and I get to see my Grandchild once every two or so months, even though he lives 10 minutes away.

    I do not for one minute play the victim as I take responsibility for my actions, however, I can't shake the feeling that perhaps I am not so likeable after all, even though when I do call, the caller is genuinely happy to hear from or meet with me. My self doubts run deep and I've had many years to cultivate those negative self worth feelings.

    My age appears to be a barrier in making new friends, as most my age either have their circle of friends or just don't push past the cordial greetings and light banter. I am lonely. I feel worthless, no longer needed, after a lifetime of raising a family and helping others. It's as if I am now invisible in societies eyes and of no value, even though I hold a life's time worth of knowledge and education.

    I can empathise with the lonely, yet I am unable to push past this wall of self doubt and futile feelings. I acknowledge I am depressed, but I fight each and everyday to the point of despair. Indifference is now plaguing me as a defence mechanism. I love to laugh, live, I walk with a smile on my face, I engage and accept. I am good people, yet what's wrong with me?

  2. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3368 posts
    21 November 2021 in reply to Missing user

    Hi there Blank Page and welcome!

    I don't know if you're a guy or gal but I'm in my sixties and yes finding new friends is really hard!

    I haven't got long to write now but will be back later but I want to welcome you to BB.

    Can you give me any ideas about your interests and hobbies and if you live in a city or regional area?

    I am in a regional town and have found doing music has offered me a great connection. There are courses for our age group at the library from time to time.

    If you can let us know what kind of things you like to do? What about volunteering?

    I agree we can feel on the scrap heap if we let this happen, you have to fight against it!

    Looking forward to hearing a bit about you?

    🙂🎶

    1 person found this helpful
  3. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    quirkywords avatar
    13039 posts
    21 November 2021 in reply to Missing user

    Blank lagr

    I too welcome you and thanks for your post.

    Hanna has written a welcoming and supportive post with ideas.

    I am also in my 60s and in 20 months in this new town I have found it hard to make friends.

    I started volunteering at a charity shop and have met friendly people but only seem when I volunteer there not outside shop.

    It is hard I went to a public speaking group but was not contacted again.

    I keep trying and a t our age it can take longer. One person who has been in town about as me time has me seems friendly.
    You are not alone and we are listening.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    21 November 2021 in reply to Hanna3

    Hi Hanna3

    Thank you for your kind reply. Are you a musician? Music or rhythm is a talent I do not possess, so I admire your skill set. I am a Grandmother, mother of two adults. I am grateful for allot of things, however, (there always appears to be a however. :)) ) I lack confidence in making friends.

    I have replaced boredom on some occasions with studies, volunteering and activities.

    Volunteering in most cases, escalated from only a few hours per week, to four or five days in the week. Demand and shortages saw me rise to those occasions much to my detriment.

    I enjoy a good book, horse riding, driving, socialising etc.

    Its hard for me, as I feel invisible, my voice doesn't carry and I am pretty much a good but quiet person, who for me, has outlived her usefulness. I do hold a great deal of empathy towards others and listen to those who speak to me. I am scared to open my mouth for fear of screwing things up. Pathetic really for someone my age.

    Once again I appreciate you taking the time to recognise and address me. Cheers

  5. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    21 November 2021 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi quirkywords

    Thank you for listening and your supportive reply. I hope that you are successful soon with your endeavours and that I admire your courage and conviction.

    Having dealt with empty nest syndrome and various unexpected changes in my life, I now find those friends of past have followed natures course (in some cases) and moved on in their lives, leaving a gap in mine. I have tried local bowlo's, clubs etc., but everyone has their circle of friends and when I approach or initiate the response is polite but disinterested. I do hate sitting alone, as I am alone and very lonely.

    I wish you the best and hoping happiness is found in your new surrounds.

    Thank you and take care

  6. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3368 posts
    21 November 2021 in reply to Missing user

    Hi Blank page,

    It is really hard at this age, as you've said, people already have their social groups and cliques.

    I moved here just before covid, so that's made it extra hard! A friend put me onto music which is quite big here and I'm learning a couple of instruments and finding the people nice.

    Mostly I think you have to start with aquantences - I use the library a lot and so I have good chats with a few of the staff there whenever I go.

    I also go to outdoor cafes and people often start chatting, and I walk my dog and that is a good way to meet other dog owners.

    You could try a book club. There is a migrant support group here and I did meet some nice women through that although I don't see them often.

    It helps to remember you only need a couple of good friends. I think you just have to keep getting out there, it's trial and error really...

    I find now I've been here a couple of years I rely quite heavily on the casual aquaintences I've made. You just have to go slowly at this stage. It was easy to make friends when I was working.

    It sounds like you've been doing all the right things and it's just plain hard at this stage!

    What about church, here the women meet for coffee each week. Can you see if anything is on at your local library? What about a U3a course, these run locally in most areas and now the Covid restrictions are easing they should be back on next year and heaps of people do them to make friends. You could Google your area and take a look at what's available.

    Meantime people here are very helpful and supportive.

    I don't know if any of this helps...I know how hard it is!

    🙂🎶☕🍰🌧️🐕

  7. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3368 posts
    21 November 2021 in reply to Hanna3
    Sorry. Acquaintances! Bad spelling oops! 😊
  8. Petal22
    Community Champion
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    Petal22 avatar
    1545 posts
    21 November 2021 in reply to Missing user

    Hi Blank page,

    Wellcome to our forums!

    Im sorry you are feeling this way.

    What do you like to do?

    Is there something new that you want to learn?

    Its never to late to learn new things….. in doing so you may just find your people……

  9. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    21 November 2021 in reply to Petal22

    Cheers Peta22

    I appreciate your reply.

    I do enjoy experiencing and learning new things.

    That will be one of my goals when I overcome my despondency and fear of further rejection. ( I will get there in the end).

    Cheers

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    21 November 2021 in reply to Hanna3
    It's humbling to receive genuine kindness, especially from strangers. For me, it all helps and appreciated. I feel a little glimmer of hope. Thank you.
  11. Ggrand
    Community Champion
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    Ggrand avatar
    9359 posts
    21 November 2021 in reply to Missing user

    Hello Blank page...

    I am sorry for your feelings of loneliness, it’s a very familiar emotion for me...

    I moved into a small village rural NSW..been her now for 7 years and have made one close friend and a neighbour who blows hot and cold...

    I lost my husband 8 years ago and with him being very controlling...I had to learn many life skills and to be honest still learning...😁..

    My children and grandchildren are over 380 kilometres from me, with both my sons and partners working I don’t get to see them or my grandchildren very much...Its been over 2 years since I have seen them..It hurts...hurts a lot being so far away...but I’ve no choice, not financial enough to move...

    I joined these forums a very broken person..the support and care I received from the community members and at times from the BB staff has been life saving for me...I really do hope that you continue to talk here and that by doing so...you don’t feel so alone..

    My kind thoughts dear Blank page with my care..

    Grandy..

    1 person found this helpful
  12. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    21 November 2021 in reply to Ggrand

    Thank you Grandy

    You come across as strong and the carrier of wisdom. I am sorry for your loss and that of your family. At the same token, wonderfully enlightened to hear you've grow towards betterment. Champion.

    I too hope to continue my path to self betterment. As is, I am feeling like an worthless jalopy and ready for the scrap heap. In some ways I can relate to your situation. I've experienced a hard childhood along with a marriage that saw me demoralised. I have only ever been made to feel unworthy.

    Having been taught no social skills, my life was learnt at 16 when I left home. My children are grown and I was taught to never burden others with my troubles. In short, I am now left lonely and a heart that aches for acceptance. I miss my family dearly and I feel, appreciate and understand your hurt very much so. Big hug...

    It has been encouraging to participate on this forum. That I am not a burden or stupid to want to reach out for help.

    Good luck with your endeavours and I wish you all the best.

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3368 posts
    21 November 2021 in reply to Missing user

    Blank page,

    I think try joining a book club if you read, and I'd really recommend a U3a class in the new year. That stands for University of the Third Age and they are group classes run all over Australia for mature age people. They are quite cheap and do everything from gentle exercise to history or current affairs or card games or French language.

    If you google U3a and whatever area you live in you should be able to find them.

    I'm sorry you're feeling lonely. I have a thread called Anyone spent days alone with nobody to talk to. You're welcome to join me there, it's fairly quiet at the moment but you've already met Grandy here and she chats with me there as well as several other ladies.

    These forums can be a great source of support and friendship!

    🙂💞🐕🎶🌻🌹

  14. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    quirkywords avatar
    13039 posts
    22 November 2021 in reply to Missing user

    Blank page

    Yes these forums are full of caring courageous people who will listen.

    I think many people will relate to your posts and your feeling of feeling isolated and lonely.

    Many more people read posts than answer them so your posts are helping people not feel so alone as they can connect to your words.

    I feel there are so many people who feel lonely at our age but also don’t want to burden others.
    Hana’s suggestion about a book club sounds helpful snd I think there are online groups too.

    I love books too and I used to have a bookshop.

    I think this is a. Important discussion.
    I appreciate your feed back.

  15. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3368 posts
    22 November 2021 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi quirky

    I think older women do unfortunately tend to form tight cliques and are very unwelcoming to anyone new. I think it's actually due to feeling insecure and scared of anyone they don't know.

    It makes it very hard for anyone who is lonely and in need of friends!

    I think the best strategy is to go where other people who are alone go, and share a common interest.

    That's why I recommend U3a classes as so many women have told me they have joined them to meet people.

    It's a shame we women aren't more welcoming.

    People here on BB do offer online company and support. It's a real help.

    🙂🐕💌

  16. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    quirkywords avatar
    13039 posts
    22 November 2021 in reply to Hanna3

    Blank page,

    I think over my life I have moved a bit and so have had to make friends which I find hard.
    I agree about life skills.

    I thought that wisdom comes with age but I am not so sure now but maybe I am not old enough yet!,

    Hana , I am not sure if it is just older women who form tight cliques. I have found with covid people in general seem reluctant to meet new people.
    I agree about joining a group with a common interest is a good idea.

  17. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3368 posts
    22 November 2021 in reply to Hanna3

    U3a classes are usually one or two hours a week and they always have a break for a cuppa so people get a chance to talk.

    I've wanted to do them here but they've been off due to covid but in the new year hopefully they will start up again.

    Another idea is aqua aerobics at a swim centre!

    Blank page, what about helping with riding for the disabled?

    I'm putting out some random thoughts! 😊☕🍰

  18. Ggrand
    Community Champion
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    Ggrand avatar
    9359 posts
    22 November 2021 in reply to Missing user

    Hello Dear Blank page,

    People, especially the ones that are supposed to nurture us with love and kindness and help us to grow into confident young adults , who instead put us down all the time, makes us want to escape that situation ..which I did..and then only to marry at 18 to a narcissist man, I thought I was free from the abuse of my childhood, only to find I was in a worse situation then before....If my husband didn’t pass away..I would no doubt still be in my controlling and abuse marriage.

    Having all my life being what I call a “slave” to my parents then my husbands every whim...made me into someone that didn’t have an identity, who was scared of people, not trusting no one and well...I suppose I could say I felt like a 3 yr.. abandoned child in an adults body.

    One shopping trip I broke down in the shop...taken to hospital..I had my first encounter with a mh nurse, a psychologist and psychiatrist....and they all started me toward the right way to wellness....It took quite a few years but now I can shop on my own without any support worker, and I volunteered a few ago with a charity shop...I’m still volunteering their...Which has helped me to learn to trust people and interact with them....It has been a long hard road, but so very much worth it.

    Yes right now you might feel like a worthless jalopy ready for the scrap heap...but in fact your not...your rebuilding your confidence, learning life skills, learning to trust again...Like that jalopy lovely Blank page..you can turn it into a Rolls Royce...with a bit of help from professionals...if you want to go that way...Maybe when you feel up to it chat to your GP....no pressure at all....We will always be here for you with our love and care...you’re a member of this wonderful BB family, never alone.

    What are your thoughts on volunteering a day or two a week?...also your local council or library might run a few different courses on things your passionate about...craft, knitting, computer skills, etc. Maybe sweet lady it’s something that when you feel strong enough to ring them to find out what they have to offer.

    Life on our own is hard Lovely Blank page...I have a lot of faith in you... you are a survivor of a demoralising marriage....You are strong, you are worthy, you are beautiful and you can learn to live and have a beautiful life...Just like your beautiful soul...One thing that mean people can do is hurt us...but they cannot take a way our beliefs.

    My care and hugs precious Blank page.

    Grandy..

  19. Petal22
    Community Champion
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    Petal22 avatar
    1545 posts
    22 November 2021 in reply to Missing user

    Yes you will get there 😊

    Have you ever tried meditation?

    I credit meditation for getting me over the line with the severe anxiety OCD condition I had.

    It taught me that I’m not my thoughts but the watcher of my thoughts.

  20. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    22 November 2021 in reply to Missing user

    I wish to express my deepest regards to all those who took the time to reply with such generosity of soul and richness of advice.

    I am humbled and grateful.

    As expressed in replies I read, I can relate to some and is comforted to know that it is of no shame to seek help when required.

    I used COVID lockdown as an excuse to justify my loneliness. That due to restrictions I have an excuse as to why I am alone and lonely. It helped alleviate my shame and guilt of not being able to make friends or why no one cared enough to call or check in on me. So I took on renovation tasks around the house and it kept me occupied and somewhat satisfied. When restrictions were lifted, my excuse was exposed and realisation had struck hard, that I can now move about freely, yet where do I go? Who wants me? Who called to go out? Where's my social life?

    For me it's shameful and upsetting. That here I am, someone who has survived abuse, mistrust, betrayal, made to feel I didn't belong or inferior that I had to prove I myself worthy etc. Demoralising, humiliating blows not only to my self esteem, but to my very core of Being.

    The past is the past and most I have come to terms with, however, the emotional and physical scars are still there and I am in some ways paralysed or reminded in times of doubt or uncertainty. I falter as I have no one to bounce ideas off or can talk to. That is up until now. :))

    I still have a boiling pot of emotions, swirling at the base of my throat and hurting my heart, but I am determined to move forward, even if it's an inch at a time.

    I wish all those who have fought their own battles and are still fighting the good fight, the very best in life. That you continue to grow in peace, love and acceptance of oneself and find with joy and contentment what you are seeking.

    Blessings to all

    Blank page (hoping to fill this page with a fruitful future.)

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