just a brief description about me- im in year 12, 17 years old and a pakistani female. ive lived in australia for nearly my whole life.
i just joined this in hopes that it would make me a tad bit better, especially since i get very nervous when i talk face to face about my problems. ive been having issues with prioritising myself over others and whenever i feel like i care too much about the other person, i end up getting too hurt way quickly. whenever i tell this to my mum she always tells me to keep my chin up high and focus on myself but no matter how much i try i cant.
ive been too involved within meeting societies expectations, that i feel that i have caused my friends and family to further develop more expectations to do well in my relationship with them and in studies (when it comes to parents). i try to do well at school, but i end up disappointing myself and my family with scores averaging 50-60% considering the fact that they are doctors and engineers.
i guess i also feel pressured in this way to do well because of my family history of such good professions, and if i were to do terrible and get a bad atar, i would be a misfit which would cause a lot of gossip between my family friends (eg "look at her, her parents kept telling us she was going to do engineering but look how she embarrased them, what a shame etc"). it just feels so wrong for me to do the subjects that im doing now because in the back of my head, all im thinking about is what people will think and that im only doing these vce subjects for the people around me, not myself. i dont feel ANY happiness or hope about the future when i study. i feel nothing. numb.
sometimes i would just freeze up, stare at my work and cry because i didnt want to do this. im doing this to make my parents happy.
dont get me wrong- i love them i really do. but it hurts knowing that its too late to tell them how i feel about this since im already in year 12.
i guess in the end, whatever happens, happens. i just want them to understand that my wellbeing is more important than an atar which will only matter for 2 years.
ok- this kind of helped me to articulate what im feeling right now and i hope you guys understand where im coming from, i hope it wasnt too confusing. if it was hard to understand, its totally fine, at least i found a way to share my problems.
thanks. all love.