I just wanted the plane to fall out of the sky, just, in any way, shape, or form.
So I was on a flight and I was looking out the window.
I was just at a complete loss with everything.
Like I just, I just honestly had not the drive to continue to go on.
At least then I would have felt personally that it wasn't my fault.
That's a really horrible thing to say because there are other people on the plane as well.
But just in that moment, in my head, that's how I felt.
Like I just wanted, I just wanted it to end.
You feel very worthless. Each year comes around where you hope to have made more gains in your life. And another year passes by and you're still in the same situation. It's quite depressing.
And that afternoon I could have gone two ways. I could have gone straight to the bar, which was something that I wanted to do. But I actually been thinking about making a phone call to someone like Beyond Blue for quite a while because the thought of calling someone by phone, to me, sounded less intimidating than seeing someone face to face to tell them the extent of what I was feeling, because in the past, I'd never gone to that full extent of really how black things were. Because I was afraid that something was gonna happen.
The worst thing that I was afraid of was being locked up.
There's immense guilt and shame that you feel with having depression because it's, you keep telling yourself you need to snap out of this. This is ridiculous. There are people that are in far worse situations than what you are in life.
And that's the part that makes you think you're a fully grown, man, stop being weak, get on with it, and that's when the whole stigma around man up, toughen up, take a teaspoon of concrete.
Growing up, there was a bit of a, like a culture about playing footy, there was a lot of alcohol involved, and when those sorts of things came out, had to keep your feelings and emotions and any sort of sadness that you were probably feeling you could, you needed to keep sort of bottled up.
It's just not that simple. More than anything in the world you want this black cloud lifted off your shoulders, more than anything in the world.
No one ever chooses depression. One thing that I've found with depression and anxiety is, is that you can choose to do something about it.
I went and saw a GP, the GP was amazing. He's either been through this before or he obviously knows a hell of a lot about it. But I got a referral to a psychiatrist who I'm still seeing to this day, which has been really, the psychiatry has really helped.
That initial conversation that I had that time on the phone with Beyond Blue, I just felt so much better straight away. I just felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders
with a 10-minute conversation.
Seeing my wife and sitting down and talking about it and crying, but kind of crying happy.
'Cause it felt like it got past this huge, like huge chasm of fear, because I'd kept it to myself for so many years that I was having those type of thoughts. And I'd not shared it with anyone. But when you start talking to someone about it, there's an immediate sense of relief. And then through those conversations, then you start to feel that bit of connection again with people, human connection, which I find very important.
They were in shock, my mates, but 100% supportive. Once you start talking to someone,
and there's safety, there's trust, that is the starting point. By making the choice to talk to someone about how you're feeling will make things feel so much better straight away.
Trust me, there is light at the end of the tunnel. There's hope.
I know that the way that you feel, it comes with such shame and guilt and grief.
People will understand and people will be willing to help.