Ask if they're OK
Simply asking how someone is going is a great way to start the conversation. Explain the differences you’ve noticed and ask them if they’re OK.
Be genuine
Raise the topic in a way that feels comfortable to you. There’s no right or wrong way to say that you’re concerned. Just be genuine.
“Would you like to talk with me about what’s happened? I’m worried about you.”
Explain why you’re concerned
What have you noticed that’s worried you? Maybe their mood has changed, or they’ve been acting differently.
“You haven’t seemed yourself lately - is everything OK?”
“I’ve noticed that you’re not going out much with us at the moment, what’s going on?”
Be prepared to wait
They may not want to talk about their mental health yet. Don’t pressure them. By noticing and saying something, you’ve shown you care and are willing to have the conversation when they’re ready.
“OK, but you know you can talk to me if you ever need to.”
Focus instead on staying in touch and doing things together that might make them feel less alone. Look for opportunities to talk about it again later.
Suggest other people they might prefer to talk to, such as a friend who has experienced anxiety or depression, or a confidential helpline.
Listen to what they tell you
Encourage them to talk about what’s going on. Listen to how they feel, what they’re thinking and what they’re doing differently.
“Just take your time, there’s no rush. I know talking about this can be difficult.”
Be patient
Take time to try to understand their experience. Everyone’s experience is unique. Recognise and validate how they’re feeling.
“I can hear that the last few months have been really terrible for you. Please tell me more about it.”
Don’t give advice
It’s natural to want to solve the problem to make them feel better. However, the most helpful thing you can do is listen. It's important to give them space to talk and feel heard. Try to avoid making assumptions or offering solutions, advice or a diagnosis.
“How are you feeling about that? How’s that affecting you?”
Be comfortable with silence
A silence may make you feel uncomfortable at first but see it as a chance for you both to gather your thoughts. Help them to feel at ease and follow their lead.
“What’s that like for you?”
Don’t judge
Be non-judgmental if they share things that are hard to hear or you don’t understand. Together you can work out how to move forward.
“Can I just check that I have understood you correctly?”
